November, 1999

Church Bulletins The Pledge of Allegiance Billboards
Dear IRS: Ancient Religious Tradition Quickies
Life Before The Computer

Future Physician

Heavenly Orientation
Take Me Home Communication My Son
Just Another Bad Day The Right Equipment Plain English
A Sad Day Union House Sleeping
Run Hilliary Run Student Loan The Cowboy
Hard Cash From The Mouths of Babes My Mommy
One Look
Hold Still Communication Skills Calling Support
Serious Operation The Pious and the Atheist Family Gift
Illusions Mechanical Problems



Tuesday, November 30, 1999

Mechanical Problems

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Chicago to New York, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take a half hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional hour. But don't worry . . . we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another hour. But don't worry . . . we still have one engine left."

A young woman passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"


An elderly  woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

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Monday, November 29, 1999

Family Gift

Guido heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.
So, on his 21st birthday, Guido and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.
When Guido and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Guido stepped off of the side of the boat . . . and nearly drowned.
Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home.
When Guido arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"
The feeble old grandmother took Guido by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January . . . you were born in July, dear."

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Sunday, November 28, 1999

Serious Operation

After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma. Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her husband Ralph came into the Intensive Care Unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news.

"We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm afraid," the doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice.

Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said, "But doctor, she's so young. She's only 45."

"37," came the weak reply from Lena.

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Saturday, November 27, 1999

The Pious and the Atheist

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

Suddenly, a great voice was heard from above ...

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Friday, November 26, 1999

Calling Support

Support: Hello, and thank you for calling the Psychic Friends Computer Support Network! How can I help you?

Customer: Hi, I tried to open up a file, but the computer says "Cannot open A:\report.doc"

Support: Ah, this file is stored on a floppy disk, isn't it?

Customer: Wow! How could you know that?

Support: I know many, many things. For instance, this file of yours, it is some sort of report that you are working on, right? In Microsoft Word?

Customer: Unbelievable! You really are psychic! Well, how can I open this file?

Support: I see a . . . I see a . . . I see a message. It is an error message. It says, "This file is corrupted, click here for more details."

Customer: Well?

Support: Do it! You must click.

Customer: Do what?

Support: Say "Click"!!!

Customer: Click!

Support: No, double click! Double click!

Customer: Click Click! Click Click!!!

Support: Now I see another message. "In the future, do not save your only copy to a floppy disk. Save a copy on your hard drive". Ah, the vision is gone. Thank you for calling. If you stay on the line an operator will speak with you about sending your disk in for a file recovery. It is only $45 plus shipping.

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Thursday, November 25, 1999

Hold Still

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" The husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Communication Skills

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, where as women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
He said, "What?"

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Wednesday, November 24, 1999

One Look

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her Doctor.
The Doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey, Look, I'm a Veterinarian ... "I don't need to ask my patients these kinds of questions, I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The Doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if THAT doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."

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Tuesday, November 23, 1999

Dead or Alive

A bus of politicians is driving by a farm where a man lives alone. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The man comes out and finding the politicians, buries them.

The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The man answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

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Monday, November 22, 1999


Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch and many others. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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Sunday, November 21, 1999

My Mommy

Two little boys were arguing.
"My father is better than your father!"
"No he's not!"
"My brother is better than your brother!"
"No he's not!"
"My mother is better than your mother!"
The second boy paused. "Well I guess you've got me there. My father says the same thing."

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Saturday, November 20, 1999

Hard Cash

Dentist: "Try to relax-I'll pull your aching tooth in five minutes."
Patient: "How much will this cost?"
Dentist: "It'll be $100."
Patient: "That much for just five minutes work?"
Dentist: "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly."

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Friday, November 19, 1999

From The Mouths of Babes

When my daughter Kelli was 3, she and my son Cody would say their nightly prayers together. As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend, and every animal current and past. For several weeks after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say "And all girls".
As this soon became part of her nightly routine to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?".
Her response: "Because we always finish our prayers by saying All Men!"

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Thursday, November 18, 1999

Student Loan

A student comes back to the dorm and finds his roommate near tears. "What's the matter pal?" he asked.
His roommate says, "I wrote home for my parents to send money so that I could buy a laptop."
"So I guess they said no?" the student asked.
"No, they sent me the laptop," the roommate moaned.

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Wednesday, November 17, 1999

The Cowboy

After they had finished making love, the cowboy was telling the lady who'd picked him up about his days on the range.
"It's the only life for me. In fact, I wanna die with my boots on."
As they both heard a car pull in the driveway, she said, "Well...you better get 'em on, Slick. That's my husband, the Sheriff."

Run Hilliary Run

It was recently reported that "Run Hillary Run!" bumper stickers are very popular in New York. Democrats put them on their rear bumpers - Republicans put them on the front!

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Tuesday, November 16, 1999

Union House

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry it isn't," she said.
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he inquired.
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," the Madame replied.
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued throughout the night until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," said the Madame.
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, ... gesturing to an unattractive old woman in the corner, "... but Bertha here has seniority!"

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Monday, November 15, 1999


A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

A Sad Day

Two friends meet in the street. One looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
"That's not bad."
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."
"I'd like that."
"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."
"The how come you look so glum?"
"This week - nothing!"

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Sunday, November 14, 1999

Plain English

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

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Saturday, November 13, 1999

Just Another Bad Day

A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot. As he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system. "Will the gentleman on the ladies tee please move back to the men's tee."

He looked up and then resumed addressing the ball again. The voice again- "Will the Man on the Red tees move back to the White Tees!!"

He looked back at the starter's shack and said, "Will the man on the p.a. shut up so that the man on the ladies' tee can hit his second shot."

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Friday, November 12, 1999

The Right Equipment

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ...but you have all the equipment ..."

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Thursday, November 11, 1999


A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

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Wednesday, November 10, 1999

My Son

My son is now attending Kindergarten. The teacher asked little David if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack."

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Tuesday, November 9, 1999

Take Me Home

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."

Future Physician

On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still my heart, thought the physician, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take you order?"

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Monday, November 8, 1999

Life Before The Computer

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flue!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

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Sunday, November 7, 1999

Heavenly Orientation

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!"

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Saturday, November 6, 1999


Advertisement for a Sewer and Septic Repair Company:
"We're the #1 solution for your #2 problem"

Sign seen in a hairdresser's station:
"I'm a beautician, not a magician."

"I Finally Got My Head Together,
Now My Body Is Falling Apart."

How does a man show he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What do you get when you cross a Kangaroo with and Elephant?
Holes all over Australia!

Sure the earlybird gets the worm,
but the 2nd rat gets the cheese.


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Friday, November 5, 1999

Ancient Religious Tradition

Every time a new Pope is elected, there's a whole lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well there's one tradition that very few people know about.
Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope.
The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.
The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected. John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.
"My brother," the Holy Father whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"
The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history."
The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret."
The Chief Rabbi agreed.
Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it.
They both gasped with shock.
It was the check for the Last Supper.

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Thursday, November 4, 1999

Dear IRS:

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1998 and discovered that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).
This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.
Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

A satisfied taxpayer

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Wednesday, November 3, 1999

The Pledge of Allegiance

Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny, he noticed Johnny's hand over the right cheek of his buttocks."
Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."
Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."

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Tuesday, November 2, 1999


Some new billboards are getting deserved attention in Dallas, the newspaper listed all of them.  Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God

C'mon over and bring the kids. -God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God

We need to talk. -God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.   -God

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.  -God

I love you and you and you and you and... -God

Will the road you're on get you to my place?  -God

Follow me. -God

Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God

My way is the highway. -God

Need directions? -God

You think it's hot here? -God

Have you read my #1 best seller?  There will be a test. -God

Do you have any idea where you're going? -God

And my personal favorite...
Don't make me come down there. -God

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Monday, November 1, 1999

Church Bulletins

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Taylors. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Tonight's sermon- "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved... the financial secretary gave a grief report.

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting:
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals".

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