Tuesday, November 30, 1999
Fifteen minutes into the flight from
Chicago to New York, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines
has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take a half hour longer than
scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the
flight will take an additional hour. But don't worry . . . we can fly just fine on two
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will
be delayed another hour. But don't worry . . . we still have one engine left."
A young woman passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose
one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
An elderly woman decided to
have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a
diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure
he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the
Monday, November 29, 1999
Guido heard a rumor that his father,
grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.
So, on his 21st birthday, Guido and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If
they did it, I can too!" he insisted.
When Guido and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When the
got to the middle of the lake, Guido stepped off of the side of the boat . . . and nearly
Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home.
When Guido arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation.
"Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father
The feeble old grandmother took Guido by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained,
"That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January
. . . you were born in July, dear."
Sunday, November 28, 1999
After a long and serious operation,
Lena ended up in a coma. Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it.
When her husband Ralph came into the Intensive Care Unit to see her, the doctors gave him
the bad news.
"We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm afraid," the doctor told Ralph
in a quiet somber voice.
Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said, "But doctor, she's so
young. She's only 45."
"37," came the weak reply from Lena.
Saturday, November 27, 1999
Pious and the Atheist
A very religious man lived right next
door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on
his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.
However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and
his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and
his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn't give him the time
of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh
God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my
every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays,
seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is
Suddenly, a great voice was heard
from above ...
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
Friday, November 26, 1999
Support: Hello, and thank you for
calling the Psychic Friends Computer Support Network! How can I help you?
Customer: Hi, I tried to open up a file, but the computer says "Cannot open
Support: Ah, this file is stored on a floppy disk, isn't it?
Customer: Wow! How could you know that?
Support: I know many, many things. For instance, this file of yours, it is some sort of
report that you are working on, right? In Microsoft Word?
Customer: Unbelievable! You really are psychic! Well, how can I open this file?
Support: I see a . . . I see a . . . I see a message. It is an error message. It says,
"This file is corrupted, click here for more details."
Support: Do it! You must click.
Customer: Do what?
Support: Say "Click"!!!
Support: No, double click! Double click!
Customer: Click Click! Click Click!!!
Support: Now I see another message. "In the future, do not save your only copy to a
floppy disk. Save a copy on your hard drive". Ah, the vision is gone. Thank you for
calling. If you stay on the line an operator will speak with you about sending your disk
in for a file recovery. It is only $45 plus shipping.
Thursday, November 25, 1999
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said,
"stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she
dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a
"What's this, honey?" The husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one
for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a
while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at
the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
A husband, proving to his wife that
women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average
only 15,000 words a day, where as women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many
words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
He said, "What?"
Wednesday, November 24, 1999
A Veterinarian was feeling ill and
went to see her Doctor.
The Doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been
occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey, Look, I'm a Veterinarian ... "I
don't need to ask my patients these kinds of questions, I can tell what's wrong just by
looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The Doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription,
handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if THAT doesn't work, we'll
have to have you put to sleep."
Tuesday, November 23, 1999
Dead or Alive
A bus of politicians is driving by a
farm where a man lives alone. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses
control and crashes into the ditch. The man comes out and finding the politicians, buries
The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the man. "So you buried all the
politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"
The man answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."
Monday, November 22, 1999
DOUGHBOY - DEAD AT 71
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The
Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from
repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out,
including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker the Hostess
Twinkies, Captain Crunch and many others. The graveside was piled high with flours as
longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who
"never knew how much he was kneaded."
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Doughboy is
survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The
funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Sunday, November 21, 1999
Two little boys were arguing.
"My father is better than your father!"
"No he's not!"
"My brother is better than your brother!"
"No he's not!"
"My mother is better than your mother!"
The second boy paused. "Well I guess you've got me there. My father says the same
Saturday, November 20, 1999
Dentist: "Try to relax-I'll pull
your aching tooth in five minutes."
Patient: "How much will this cost?"
Dentist: "It'll be $100."
Patient: "That much for just five minutes work?"
Dentist: "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly."
Friday, November 19, 1999
The Mouths of Babes
When my daughter Kelli was 3, she and
my son Cody would say their nightly prayers together. As most children do, we have to
bless every family member, every friend, and every animal current and past. For several
weeks after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say "And all girls".
As this soon became part of her nightly routine to include this at the end, my curiosity
got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all
Her response: "Because we always finish our prayers by saying All Men!"
Thursday, November 18, 1999
A student comes back to the dorm and
finds his roommate near tears. "What's the matter pal?" he asked.
His roommate says, "I wrote home for my parents to send money so that I could buy a
"So I guess they said no?" the student asked.
"No, they sent me the laptop," the roommate moaned.
Wednesday, November 17, 1999
After they had finished making love,
the cowboy was telling the lady who'd picked him up about his days on the range.
"It's the only life for me. In fact, I wanna die with my boots on."
As they both heard a car pull in the driveway, she said, "Well...you better get 'em
on, Slick. That's my husband, the Sheriff."
It was recently reported that
"Run Hillary Run!" bumper stickers are very popular in New York. Democrats put
them on their rear bumpers - Republicans put them on the front!
Tuesday, November 16, 1999
A dedicated shop steward was at a
convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the
first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry it isn't," she said.
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he inquired.
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," the Madame replied.
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search
of a more equitable shop. His search continued throughout the night until finally he
reached a brothel where the Madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," said the Madame.
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a
stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, ... gesturing to an unattractive old
woman in the corner, "... but Bertha here has seniority!"
Monday, November 15, 1999
A minister dies and is waiting in
line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt,
leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to
admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this
silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He
stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and
wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets
a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached,
people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
A Sad Day
Two friends meet in the street. One
looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come
you look like the whole world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me
forty thousand dollars."
"That's not bad."
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the
bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."
"I'd like that."
"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a
"The how come you look so glum?"
"This week - nothing!"
Sunday, November 14, 1999
The man told his doctor that he
wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination
was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is
wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my
Saturday, November 13, 1999
Another Bad Day
A golfer was addressing his ball,
getting ready to shoot. As he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system.
"Will the gentleman on the ladies tee please move back to the men's tee."
He looked up and then resumed addressing the ball again. The voice again- "Will the
Man on the Red tees move back to the White Tees!!"
He looked back at the starter's shack and said, "Will the man on the p.a. shut up so
that the man on the ladies' tee can hit his second shot."
Friday, November 12, 1999
A couple went on vacation to a
fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife
preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and
decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar
with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning,
Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ...but you have all the equipment ..."
Thursday, November 11, 1999
A man spoke frantically into the
phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
Wednesday, November 10, 1999
My son is now attending Kindergarten.
The teacher asked little David if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after
Tuesday, November 9, 1999
Take Me Home
A police car pulls up in front of
grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that
this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30
years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I
wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."
On the way to preschool, the doctor
had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began
playing with it. Be still my heart, thought the physician, my daughter wants to follow in
my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I
take you order?"
Monday, November 8, 1999
Before The Computer
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flue!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
Sunday, November 7, 1999
After dying in a car crash, three
friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: "When you
are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to
hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of
the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school
teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look,
Saturday, November 6, 1999
Advertisement for a Sewer and
Septic Repair Company:
"We're the #1 solution for your #2 problem"
Sign seen in a hairdresser's
"I'm a beautician, not a magician."
"I Finally Got My Head Together,
Now My Body Is Falling Apart."
How does a man show he is planning
for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do you get when you cross a Kangaroo with and Elephant?
Holes all over Australia!
Sure the earlybird gets the worm,
but the 2nd rat gets the cheese.
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE
Friday, November 5, 1999
Every time a new Pope is elected,
there's a whole lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance
with tradition. Well there's one tradition that very few people know about.
Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown
into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet
cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope.
The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.
The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the
next Pope is elected. John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were
unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they
came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence,
he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he
called him back.
"My brother," the Holy Father whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics
are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the
representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"
The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin
of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history."
The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine
together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the
The Chief Rabbi agreed.
Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment
envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded
sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened
They both gasped with shock.
It was the check for the Last Supper.
Thursday, November 4, 1999
There was a man who computed his
taxes for 1998 and discovered that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included
Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article
from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying
$171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).
This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply
it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.
Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See
attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again
A satisfied taxpayer
Wednesday, November 3, 1999
Pledge of Allegiance
Johnny was at his first day of
school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and
instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked
around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the
flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny, he noticed Johnny's hand over the right cheek
of his buttocks."
Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."
Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked,
"Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and
says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."
Tuesday, November 2, 1999
Some new billboards are getting
deserved attention in Dallas, the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a list of all
variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black
background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.
Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God
C'mon over and bring the kids. -God
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God
We need to talk. -God
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God
I love you and you and you and you and... -God
Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God
Follow me. -God
Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God
My way is the highway. -God
Need directions? -God
You think it's hot here? -God
Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God
Do you have any idea where you're going? -God
And my personal favorite...
Don't make me come down there. -God
Monday, November 1, 1999
The third verse of Blessed Assurance
will be sung without musical accomplishment.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be
used to cripple children.
The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not
worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Taylors. Bring your own hot dogs and
guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care
much about you.
The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Tonight's sermon- "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved... the financial secretary gave a grief
Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is
also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire
Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch.
Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting:
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes