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November 8 - 14, 1997

Friday, November 14, 1997

The Parrot

While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing in Wyoming the housekeeper was tasked with looking after their pet parrot. They hadn't been gone for more than a couple of days when the parrot was found dead in the bottom of it's cage.
The housekeeper set out to find a replacement bird and visited nearly every pet store in Washington. After several hours of looking, she came across an exact duplicate of the bird. As she purchased the parrot, the shop ownercautioned her that the bird had previously be owned by a Madam and had lived for several years in a house of ill-repute.
The housekeeper replied that no one would ever know and took the bird back to the White House.
The morning after the Clintons return to the White House, Chelsea walked through the room and the bird said, "Too young."
A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded with, "Too old."
That afternoon the President entered the room and the bird said, "HI BILL!"

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Thursday, November 13, 1997

Cough Medicine

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

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Wednesday, November 12, 1997

You're One of Us

A Rabbi walks into a bar to use the restroom. He walks up to the bartender, and asks "Can I please use the restroom?" The place was hoppin' with music, and dancin', till they saw the Rabbi.
The bartender says "I really don't think you should."
The Rabbi again, asks, "Can I please use the restroom?"
"Well," the bartender says to the Rabbi, "I really don't think you should, you see, there is a statue of a beautiful naked lady, and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
The Rabbi responded with, "Nonsense a man of my stature will not be bothered by that statue!" Well, the bartender showed the Rabbi the door at the top of the stairs.
The Rabbi proceeded to the restroom, and after a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hoppin with music and dancin again! He went to the bartender and said "Sir, I don't understand, when I came in here, the place was hoppin with music and dancin, then the place became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and the place is hoppin again."
The bartender says, "Well, now you're one of us, can I get you a drink?"
The Rabbi says, "I still don't understand." The bartender told him, "You see, every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, can I get you a drink?"

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Tuesday, November 11, 1997

New CEO

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

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Monday, November 10, 1997

The Worm that Turned

A young boy was making his usual weekend visit to his grandparents, and was out in the garden with his grandfather whilst grandmother was in the kitchen, doing granny stuff. The boy noticed the end of a worm amongst the grass. Taking hold of the worm, he gently eased it out of its hole.
"Well done my boy," said grandfather "but if you can get it back into the hole, I'll buy you that new water pistol you saw this morning."
After a few moments thought, the boy ran into the house and returned a few moments later with granny's hair spray. He sprayed the worm, waited a couple of minutes, then shoved the now rigid worm straight back into its hole.
The following weekend the boy arrived at his grandparents home, and was met by his grandfather: "Well son, here's the water pistol I promised you. And, by the way, here's a new bicycle from your grandmother."

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Sunday, November 9, 1997

Bungee Jumping in Mexico

Eke and Zeb decided to build a bungee jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, to make a little money. After they got it set up, they noticed the crowds gather, but nobody bought tickets....
Zeke tells Zeb, "Maybe we should demonstrate it, so they'll get the idea." After Zeb is strapped in he jumps, falling almost all they way to the ground before springing back.
As Zeb came back up, Zeke noticed that his clothes were all torn and
wondered what this is was all about. Zeb went down again, bouncing as jumping this way does, and this time when he came back, up Zeke noticed that Zeb was bleeding. Zeke thought, "Wow...what's going on here? Is the cord too short? Is he touching ground?
Zeb went back down for a third time, and this time when he sprung back up, Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body.
"Huh?" Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"
Zeb groaned out in obvious pain, "I don't know... but what's a pinata?

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Saturday, November 8, 1997

Air Flight Anecdotes

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no M'am, what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?"
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"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assiting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."
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About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the Captain taxies what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

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