November 8 - 14,
Friday, November 14, 1997
While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were
vacationing in Wyoming the housekeeper was tasked with looking after their pet
parrot. They hadn't been gone for more than a couple of days when the parrot was
found dead in the bottom of it's cage.
The housekeeper set out to find a
replacement bird and visited nearly every pet store in Washington. After several
hours of looking, she came across an exact duplicate of the bird. As she
purchased the parrot, the shop ownercautioned her that the bird had previously
be owned by a Madam and had lived for several years in a house of
The housekeeper replied that no one would ever know and took the
bird back to the White House.
The morning after the Clintons return to the
White House, Chelsea walked through the room and the bird said, "Too
A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded
with, "Too old."
That afternoon the President entered the room and the bird
said, "HI BILL!"
Thursday, November 13, 1997
John was a clerk in a small drugstore
but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer
wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale
he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask
John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough
syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to
take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and
leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask
John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't
find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once"
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him.
He's afraid to cough."
Wednesday, November 12, 1997
You're One of Us
A Rabbi walks into a bar to use the
restroom. He walks up to the bartender, and asks "Can I please use the
restroom?" The place was hoppin' with music, and dancin', till they saw the
The bartender says "I really don't think you should."
again, asks, "Can I please use the restroom?"
"Well," the bartender says to
the Rabbi, "I really don't think you should, you see, there is a statue of a
beautiful naked lady, and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
responded with, "Nonsense a man of my stature will not be bothered by that
statue!" Well, the bartender showed the Rabbi the door at the top of the
The Rabbi proceeded to the restroom, and after a few minutes, he came
back out, and the whole place was hoppin with music and dancin again! He went to
the bartender and said "Sir, I don't understand, when I came in here, the place
was hoppin with music and dancin, then the place became absolutely quiet. I went
to the restroom, and the place is hoppin again."
The bartender says, "Well,
now you're one of us, can I get you a drink?"
The Rabbi says, "I still don't
understand." The bartender told him, "You see, every time the fig leaf is lifted
on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, can I get you a
Tuesday, November 11, 1997
A fellow had just been hired as the
new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with
him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if
you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well,
things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn
and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered
the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The
message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference
and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his
comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to
pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company
was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product
problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened
the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the
company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters,
the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office,
closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare
Monday, November 10, 1997
The Worm that Turned
A young boy was making his usual
weekend visit to his grandparents, and was out in the garden with his
grandfather whilst grandmother was in the kitchen, doing granny stuff. The boy
noticed the end of a worm amongst the grass. Taking hold of the worm, he gently
eased it out of its hole.
"Well done my boy," said grandfather "but if you
can get it back into the hole, I'll buy you that new water pistol you saw this
After a few moments thought, the boy ran into the house and
returned a few moments later with granny's hair spray. He sprayed the worm,
waited a couple of minutes, then shoved the now rigid worm straight back into
The following weekend the boy arrived at his grandparents home, and
was met by his grandfather: "Well son, here's the water pistol I promised you.
And, by the way, here's a new bicycle from your
Sunday, November 9, 1997
Bungee Jumping in
Eke and Zeb decided to build a bungee
jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, to make a little money. After they got it set
up, they noticed the crowds gather, but nobody bought tickets....
Zeb, "Maybe we should demonstrate it, so they'll get the idea." After Zeb is
strapped in he jumps, falling almost all they way to the ground before springing
As Zeb came back up, Zeke noticed that his clothes were all torn
wondered what this is was all about. Zeb went down again, bouncing as
jumping this way does, and this time when he came back, up Zeke noticed that Zeb
was bleeding. Zeke thought, "Wow...what's going on here? Is the cord too short?
Is he touching ground?
Zeb went back down for a third time, and this time
when he sprung back up, Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all
over his body.
"Huh?" Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what
Zeb groaned out in obvious pain, "I don't know... but what's a
Saturday, November 8, 1997
Air Flight Anecdotes
An airline pilot wrote that on this
particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He
said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone
had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no M'am, what is it?" "Did we land
or were we shot
aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt,
and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask
before assiting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children,
decide now which you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with
some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our
Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to
thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the
overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so
or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final that the Captain
was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant came on the PA and announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the
Captain taxies what's left of our airplane to the gate!"