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Nov 15 - 21, 1997

Friday, November 21, 1997

In Time

A man is talking to the Lord, trying to understand his eternal nature.
"Lord," he asked,
"What's a million of years to You?"
"A million of years is but a second to me," the Lord explains.
"And a million dollars?"
"A penny," the Lord replies.
The man feels bold and now proceeds to ask,
"Lord, would You give me one of your pennies?"
"Sure," the Lord replies, "just a second."

The Need for Confession

It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

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Thursday, November 20, 1997

Job Application

This is an actual job application submitted to a fast-food restaurant.

NAME: Greg B

DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was lousy.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:
Scorpio with Libra rising.

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Wednesday, November 19, 1997

ACTUAL NEWS HEADLINES

GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
The Tallahassee Bugle

MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
The Anchorage Alaska Times

GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"]
The New Haven Connecticut Register

THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
The Arkansas Plainsman

CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
Bangor Maine News

STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
The Washington Times

CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
The Bosnia Bugle

LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW
Newsday

ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
San Antonio Rose

PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
Chicago Daily News

TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
The Miami Herald

MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
The New Haven Connecticut Register

GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
The Tallahassee Democrat

WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN?
ABSOLUTELY!
The Houston Chronicle

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Tuesday, November 18, 1997

What's The Reward?

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than just lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will be my reward?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.
"And then what will be my reward?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"
"And then what will be my reward?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's seemingly dense questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.
"And then what will be my reward?" asked the fisherman.
The businessman was angry now. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will be my reward?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing now?"

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Monday, November 17, 1997

Forrest Gump Goes To Heaven

The day arrived that Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however,and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about no entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. The first is: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?
Second, how many seconds are there in a year?
Third, what is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions. Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one," says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....."
"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too." "Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name. Everbody probly knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?"
Forrest answers: "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "which prayer?"
"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest: "Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."

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Sunday, November 16, 1997

Three Couples

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"I figured that." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Walmart anymore either."

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Saturday, November 15, 1997

A Good ol Boy

After years of listening to his wife's pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her local Church on Sunday morning. He is so moved by the Preacher's sermon that on the way out he stops to shake his hand. He says, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
"Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please...I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
"I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a damn good sermon!"
"Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behave this way at Church"!
"Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, I put $500.00 in the collection plate!
The reverend, overwhelmed with joy, grabs the mans hand, shaking it vigorously and replies to the top of his lungs "My son that was damn generous of you!

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