Nov 15 - 21,
Friday, November 21,
A man is talking to the Lord,
trying to understand his eternal nature.
"Lord," he asked,
million of years to You?"
"A million of years is but a second to me," the
"And a million dollars?"
"A penny," the Lord
The man feels bold and now proceeds to ask,
"Lord, would You give
me one of your pennies?"
"Sure," the Lord replies, "just a
The Need for
It was about a month ago when a
man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made
him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
"I admit that
wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that
eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
have to tell him the war is over?"
Thursday, November 20,
This is an actual job
application submitted to a fast-food restaurant.
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in
the first place.
$185,000 a year plus stock options
and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an
offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle-management hostility.
Less than I'm
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen
pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one,
would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT
YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN
Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks
I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
Scorpio with Libra rising.
Wednesday, November 19,
GATORS TO FACE
SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
Anchorage Alaska Times
GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen
The New Haven Connecticut Register
PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S
Bangor Maine News
STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY
The Washington Times
CLINTON STIFF ON
The Bosnia Bugle
LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING
San Antonio Rose
PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE
Chicago Daily News
TEXTRON INC. MAKES
OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME
The New Haven Connecticut Register
CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN?
The Houston Chronicle
Tuesday, November 18,
One day a fisherman was lying on a
beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary
line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the
afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a
businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of
his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find
out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living
for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way,"
said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than just
lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and
replied, "And what will be my reward?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and
catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.
"And then what will be my
reward?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "You
will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in
larger catches of fish!"
"And then what will be my reward?" asked the
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with
the fisherman's seemingly dense questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire
some people to work for you!" he said.
"And then what will be my reward?"
asked the fisherman.
The businessman was angry now. "Don't you understand?
You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all
your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then
what will be my reward?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the
fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never
have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days
sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you
think I'm doing now?"
Monday, November 17,
Gump Goes To Heaven
The day arrived that Forrest Gump dies
and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The
gates are closed, however,and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about
you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been
administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short,
but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It
shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever
told me about no entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a
big enough test as it was."
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But,
the test I have for you is only three questions. The first is: What days of the
week begin with the letter 'T'?
Second, how many seconds are there in a
Third, what is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the
questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to
answer the exam questions. Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have
had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter
'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The saint's eyes
open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but... you
do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that
answer." "How about the next one," says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says,
"Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March
"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going
with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in
mind. I'll give you credit for that one too." "Let's go on with the next and
final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first
Forrest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name. Everbody probly
knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think
Forrest answers: "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks
Saint Peter, "which prayer?"
"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest: "Our
Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."
Sunday, November 16,
Three couples, an elderly couple, a
middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The
pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must
abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at
the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you
able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem
at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you
able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first
week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple
of nights but, yes we made it."
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple
and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching
for a can on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I
was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated
"I figured that." said the young man, "We're not welcome at
Walmart anymore either."
Saturday, November 15,
A Good ol Boy
After years of listening to
his wife's pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her local Church
on Sunday morning. He is so moved by the Preacher's sermon that on the way out
he stops to shake his hand. He says, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I
ever did hear!"
"Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please...I'd appreciate it if
you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
"I'm sorry Reverend, but I
can't help myself, it was a damn good sermon!"
"Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have
you behave this way at Church"!
"Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know
that I thought it was so damn good, I put $500.00 in the collection
The reverend, overwhelmed with joy, grabs the mans hand, shaking it
vigorously and replies to the top of his lungs "My son that was damn generous of