November 22 - 28,
Friday, November 28,
A man was driving down a
local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran
right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the driver didn't
know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled
out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.
registration and proof of insurance please."
Driver: "Before I give it to
you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man."
Policeman: "Watch your
tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!"
Driver: "Man, I slowed down,
what the heck is the difference!!!"
The police officer pulled the man out of
his car, pulled out his night stick and began beating the mans head and
shoulders. Bang! Bang! Womp! Bang!
Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just
slow down or stop!!!?
Thursday, November 27,
Things That Sound
Dirty at Thanksgiving
1) Reach in and grab the giblets.
Whew, that's one terrific spread!
3) I'm in the mood for a little dark
4) Tying the legs together will keep the insides moist.
about a huge breast!
6) "...and he forced his way into the end zone..."
She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.
It's Cool Whip time!!!!
9) If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to
10) It must be broken, cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts
11) "All I want is stuffin'!"
Wednesday, November 26,
|2 cups bread crumbs
||1 cup water|
|1 onion chopped
||2 tsp. sage|
||salt & pepper to
|1 cup popcorn
Combine bread crumbs, water and chopped
onion in a large bowl. mixing thoroughly.
Slowly add 2 eggs, sage and salt
and pepper to taste.when the mixture is thoroughly mixed, add the popcorn and
Stuff turkey and roast turkey at 350 degrees
done when the popcorn blows the ass off your turkey.
Tuesday, November 25,
Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss
Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.
"My dog ate
it," was his solemn response.
"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen
years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I
swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"
Vanity Plates seen on a
Mercedes Benz in California ...... WAS HIS
Monday, November 24,
A group on nuns are travelling in a car
when it has a flat tire. They get out and try to change it, but being rather
unworldly do not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the male
driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker
jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch," he yelled.
eldest nun said to him,"That is not nice language. We understand that you are
upset, but you mustn't use such language."
"Sorry, Sister", he said, and
tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers.
"Son-of-a-bitch", he yelled again.
"Please, don't use such language. If
changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help
"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."
"Well," said the nun,
"say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help
So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He
started to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me."
At that, the car lifted up into the air by itself.
The nuns looked at the car
and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"
Sunday, November 23,
THE CASTAWAY ENGINEER
A rather inhibited software engineer
finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest"
thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a
hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow
the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore
on a secluded island.
Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool,
bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on
end, sat under same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a
gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.
"I'm from the other side of the
island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"
"Yes, I was, " he
answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"
"Well, I whittled the oars
from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made
the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, what did you use for
tools?" asked the man.
"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock
exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a
certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow,
that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been
living all this time? I don't see any shelter."
"To be honest, I've just been
sleeping on the beach," he said.
"Would you like to come to my place?" the
woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.
She expertly rowed them around to
her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of
hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone
walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow
painted in blue and white.
"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she
said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, thanks," said
the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"
"It won't be coconut
juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have
authentic Pina Coladas."
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the
drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories,
the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the man
replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this
"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to
the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor
Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how
she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He
couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.
look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more
As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a
short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a
revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.
"Tell me," she asked,
"we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know
what I mean. Have you been lonely...is there anything that you really, really
miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice
to have right now!"
"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his
shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island
all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible."
"Well, it's not
impossible, any more," the woman said.
The man, practically panting in
excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean you actually figured out some way we
can check our e-mail?"
Saturday, November 22,
An insurance salesman in Dallas wakes
up one morning and hears a little voice in his head. The voice says "Quit your
job, sell your house, take all your money, and head to Vegas." The salesman
ignores the voice. Unfortunately, he keeps hearing the voice all day long.
The voice says "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and
head to Vegas." By about 3:00, the voice is constant. He can't concentrate on
anything, he can't hear anything else, just the voice. The voice says "Quit your
job, sell your house, take all your money, and head to Vegas."
By 5:00, he
can't stand it. The salesman says what the hell, he's never done anything
spontaneous in his life, and this might be some sort of sign. So, he does what
the voice has been telling him to do. He quits his job, he sells his house, and
he hops on a plane to Vegas. As he gets off the plane, he hears the voice
The voice says "Go to Caesar's Palace."
The guy jumps in a cab and
goes to Caesar's Palace.
The voice says "Go to the Roulette Table."
guy heads to the Roulette Table.
The voice says "Put everything you have on
The guy puts everything he has on Black 17.
The girl spins the
marble and when it stops announces "Red 8."
The voice says "Shit!"