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November 29 - December 5, 1997

Friday, December 5, 1997

Mouse and Giraffe

A Lion and a mouse are having a drink in a bar. A giraffe walked and and the mouse went nuts, "Look at that doll!" The mouse tells the lion that he's going to go over and get a date. The Lion tells him he's crazy.
So the mouse walks over and within minutes they are having a blast, laughing, drinking and having a grand old time. The lion can't believe it. Then the mouse and the giraffe get up and head out the door. The mouse turns and winks at the lion and gives him the high sign! The lion can't believe his eyes and sits their nursing his beer feeling sorry for himself.
An hour later the door flys open and in staggers the mouse: he's disheveled, dripping with sweat, his clothes are all aschew, and he looks exhausted. The lion asks if he at least got lucky?
"Lucky?", the mouse says, "between the kissing and the foreplay, I must have run 25 miles!"

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Thursday, December 4, 1997

Can You Pass?

A huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

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Wednesday, December 3, 1997

No Nerds

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.
The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

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Tuesday, December 2, 1997

PMS in the Bible?

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

BONUS CHUCKLE :)

Transplant

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so slim. The husband decided to donate some of his skin...however, the only place suitable for the doctor's purposes was from the husband's his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!
She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey. I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!

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Monday, December 1, 1997

Language in Advertising

1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".

2. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

4. In Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off".

5. The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty".

6. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English.

7. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

8. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

9. In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water".

10. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.

11. We all know about GM's Chevy Nova meaning "it won't go" in Spanish markets, but did you know that Ford had a similar problem in Brazil with the Pinto? Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford renamed the automobile Corcel, meaning "horse".

12. Hunt-Wesson introduced Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos. Later they found out that in slang it means "big breasts".

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Sunday, November 30, 1997

His Last Request

An old Scotchman was visiting his closest friend on his death bed crying at his side. "It's OK lad, we all must pass on sometime." said the dying man to his dear friend. "But before I go, will ya promise me one thing?" the dying man asked.
"Ask me anything friend, ya can be assured it will be done" his friend replied.
"When I'm dead and gone, will ya promise to come by and pour a bottle of me favorite scotch over me grave?" asked the dying man.
"Aye my friend, I can assure you it shall be done" as the friend choked back the tears. "But tell me, would ya mind if it passed through me kidneys first?"

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Saturday, November 29, 1997

SIGNS

In a Nairobi restaurant...
"Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

In the window of an Indian store along River Road...
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

On an Athi River highway...
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

On a poster at Kencom...
"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

In a City restaurant...
"Open seven days a week and weekends."

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer...
"Do not activate with wet hands."

In a maternity ward...
"No children allowed."

In an cemetery...
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

In a hotel in Mombasa...
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.

In a New Nairobi Club...
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In the same club...
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

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