November 29 -
December 5, 1997
Friday, December 5,
Mouse and Giraffe
A Lion and a mouse are having a drink in a bar. A
giraffe walked and and the mouse went nuts, "Look at that doll!" The mouse tells
the lion that he's going to go over and get a date. The Lion tells him he's
So the mouse walks over and within minutes they are having a blast,
laughing, drinking and having a grand old time. The lion can't believe it. Then
the mouse and the giraffe get up and head out the door. The mouse turns and
winks at the lion and gives him the high sign! The lion can't believe his eyes
and sits their nursing his beer feeling sorry for himself.
An hour later the
door flys open and in staggers the mouse: he's disheveled, dripping with sweat,
his clothes are all aschew, and he looks exhausted. The lion asks if he at least
"Lucky?", the mouse says, "between the kissing and the foreplay, I
must have run 25 miles!"
Thursday, December 4,
Can You Pass?
A huge college freshman decided to try out for the
football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the
freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over
nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach.
"But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds.
"Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
Wednesday, December 3,
This truck driver hauling a
tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he
sees a big sign on the door saying:
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs,
says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.
driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is
hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at
least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun
and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The
bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley,
and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck
driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the
freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back
door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and
sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers,
accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He
can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he
pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car
screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought
nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait
Tuesday, December 2,
PMS in the
A preacher was telling his congregation
that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the
Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't
believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must
be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after
service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which
read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
There was a married couple who were in
a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the
husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so slim. The
husband decided to donate some of his skin...however, the only place suitable
for the doctor's purposes was from the husband's his buttocks. The husband
requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at
the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All
her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!
was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he
did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me!
There is no way I could ever repay you!!
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey.
I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on
Monday, December 1,
1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it
loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
2. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick",
a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure.
Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer
Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an
4. In Chinese, the Kentucky Fried
Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers
5. The American slogan for Salem
cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was translated into the Japanese market as
"When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free
6. When Gerber started selling baby
food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful
Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies
routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't
7. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in
France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
8. An American T-shirt maker in Miami
printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead
of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la
9. In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes
Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water".
10. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi
Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave,"
11. We all know about GM's Chevy Nova
meaning "it won't go" in Spanish markets, but did you know that Ford had a
similar problem in Brazil with the Pinto? Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny
male genitals". Ford renamed the automobile Corcel, meaning "horse".
12. Hunt-Wesson introduced Big John
products in French Canada as Gros Jos. Later they found out that in slang it
means "big breasts".
Sunday, November 30,
An old Scotchman was
visiting his closest friend on his death bed crying at his side. "It's OK lad,
we all must pass on sometime." said the dying man to his dear friend. "But
before I go, will ya promise me one thing?" the dying man asked.
anything friend, ya can be assured it will be done" his friend replied.
"When I'm dead and gone, will ya promise to come by and pour a bottle of me
favorite scotch over me grave?" asked the dying man.
"Aye my friend, I can
assure you it shall be done" as the friend choked back the tears. "But tell me,
would ya mind if it passed through me kidneys first?"
Saturday, November 29,
In a Nairobi
"Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the
In the window of an Indian store along River Road...
elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
On an Athi River
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is
On a poster at Kencom...
"Are you an adult that cannot
read? If so, we can help."
In a City restaurant...
"Open seven days a
week and weekends."
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand
"Do not activate with wet hands."
In a maternity
"No children allowed."
In an cemetery...
prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
hotel in Mombasa...
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between
the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.
In a New Nairobi Club...
cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In the same club...
requested not to have children in the bar.