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December, 2000

New Year Resolutions

As we all prepare to start a new year, it is time again to make those ever
so important New Year's Resolutions.  I have faithfully made such resolutions in the past, and while I haven't been able to keep all of them, I have tried my best to continue making progress on them year after year. Following is my revised list of "New Year's Resolutions - 2001 Edition":

Resolution #1
1998: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
1999: I will not leave Marge.
2000: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2001: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

Resolution #2
1998: I will stop looking at other women.
1999: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2000: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2001: I will stop looking at other women.

Resolution #3
1998: I will not let my boss push me around.
1999: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2000: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2001: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

Resolution #4
1998: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
1999: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2000: I will read 5 books a year.
2001: I will finish Space.

Resolution #5
1998: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my
baldness.
1999: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee.
2000: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle.
2001: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.

Resolution #6
1998: I will get my weight down below 180.
1999: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2000: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2001: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

Resolution #7
1998: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
1999: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2000: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2001: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Resolution #8
1998: I will not spend my money frivolously.
1999: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2000: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2001: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2002.

Resolution #9
1998: I will see my dentist this year.
1999: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2000: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2001: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

Resolution #10
1998: I will go to church every Sunday.
1999: I will go to church as often as possible.
2000: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2001: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

Resolution #11
1998: I will not be self-destructive.

Making Book

The Smith family was very proud that their ancestors had come over on the Mayflower, so they hired best-selling author Frank McCourt to look up and write a book about their family history.
Horror of horrors!  They discovered that great uncle Fess had died in the electric chair for committing a murder.  They were devastated.
They didn't want that in the book, but they didn't want to leave him out either.
McCourt said, "Leave it to me."
When the book came out, the section about Uncle Fess read like this:
"He was a man who occupied a great seat. He was attached to his position very firmly.  His death came as a great shock."

The Masked Man

The couple left the gynecologist's office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently.
Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card.
"Why are you masked?" the husband asked.
"Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you."
Turning to her husband, the wife exclaimed "This is the answer to our prayers!" Then she turned back to thank the stranger but he was gone.
"Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband.
He answered, "That was ... the Clone Arranger."

Alllleee Ooop!

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "all you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'alllleee ooop!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Allleee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens; the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "allleee ooop!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "nothing is wrong with me, it's this bloody horse. What is he, deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "deaf? Deaf? He's not deaf, he's blind!"

Drunks

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend. "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

Best Man

Jeff had been my best friend since kindergarten, so it was no surprise to me when he asked me to be the best man at his wedding. On the appointed day, as we were getting dressed for the ceremony, Jeff got a rather severe case of "cold feet".  "I can't go through with it," he said. "I'm nauseous, my stomach cramps, my knees are like spaghetti."

I said, "It's just PMS."

"PMS?" he asked.

"Yeah," I quipped, "Pre-Minister Syndrome"

Ice Fishing

There were two good old boys who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."
So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks." Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."
The fellow couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."

Microsoft Night Before Christmas

 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
 Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
 The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
 As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

 The stockings were hung by the modem with care
 In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
 The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
 While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

 PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
 And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
 The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
 To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -

 Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
 Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
 All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
 To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

 After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
 St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
 With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
 And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

 From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
 In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
 The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
 Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

 No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me)
 No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the
 tree, only compact disk ROMS With the Microsoft label. So spin up your
 drive, From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

 More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
 And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
 "Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
 Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

 It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
 It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
 Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
 And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

 Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
 And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
 To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
 Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

 And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
 Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
 When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
 The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,

 As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
 The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
 As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
 My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

 And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
 Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
 And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
 Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

MST

Your husband never gets around to doing the things around the house that you have asked him to do because he's operating on MST....
Male Standard Time, during which things are done somewhere between next week and "nevermore."

Smarter Than The Average Bear

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim's Grocery Store.
The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.
To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel--they say-- because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
And Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

Thursday,  December 21, 2000

Child Expert

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.  Then she inquired what I did for a living.
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.
Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

It Is Balloon!!!

A man piloting a hot-air balloon discovers he has wandered far off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the
balloon to within hearing distance and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, about thirty feet above this field."
"You must work in information technology," says the balloonist.
"Yes, I do," replies the man. "And how did you know that?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault!"

Bumpy Flight

After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind.
In a seat pocket, I found a bag of homemade cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom."
Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner.
In few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse;
"Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"

Ten Rules Of The Office

1. If it rings, put it on hold

2. If it clanks, call the repairman

3. If it whistles, ignore it

4. If it's a friend, take a break

5. If it's the boss, look busy

6. If it talks, take notes

7. If it's handwritten, type it

8. If it's typed, copy it

9. If it's copied, file it

10. If it's Friday, forget it!

    

Doctor's Orders

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

From The Mouths of Babes

My daughter Lynette was very excited to finally be turning five. 

On the morning of her birthday, she ran into my room and woke me up. Opening her tiny hand and extending her fingers, she announced "Look mom, I'm finally a hand full".

Friday,  December 15, 2000

Firefly

A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods.  "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light.  There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!"
The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line.  As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back.
"Stop!" she whispered.  "Who lit the light back there?"
"I did," admitted the youngster.
"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother.  "Why did you disobey?"
"Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."

Fore!!

A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.

Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled. 

"Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"

Lawyers

I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman.

After several questions, he asked, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"  There was an awkward silence.

Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."

Great Excuses

I'd love to but...

  -The man on television told me to say tuned.

  -I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.

  -I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.

  -My plot to take over the world is thickening.

  -I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

  -I have to study for a blood test.

Dear John

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S.  Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

CLEVER SIGNS

HOTEL:  "Help!"  We need inn-experienced people

BUTCHER'S WINDOW:  Pleased to meat you

AUTO BODY SHOP:  May we have the next dents?

VETERINARIANS WAITING ROOM:  Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit!  Stay!

AT THE ELECTRIC COMPANY:  "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.  However, if you don't, you will be."

GARBAGE TRUCK:  We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

RESTAURANT WINDOW:  Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up

FUNERAL HOME:  Drive carefully, we'll wait

Sell Me That Horse

A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field.  He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.
"Afraid not," said the farmer.
"I'll give you a thousand bucks!" said the city fella.
"I can't sell you that horse.  He don't look too good," replied the farmer.
"I know horses and he looks fine.  I'll give you two thousand!"
"Well, all right, if you want him so bad."
The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been gypped.  "You sold me a blind horse!"
"Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."

Lactose Intolerant

A scientist found, to his great surprise, that he was lactose intolerant (unable to digest milk sugar).  At dinner that night with his two young daughters (age 9 and 4 years), he mentioned that he had found out that he was lactose intolerant and tried to explain to them
what that meant. 

A couple of months later, he took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping.  The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par.  When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant."

Report Card

Little Johnny walked up to his teacher's desk, holding a report card with a big red F.
"If I were you," said Johnny, "I would change this while you still can."
"Why is that?" asked the teacher.
"Because my daddy told me that if I brought home one more failing report card, someone was going to get a beating."

The Pusher

A little girl in her Sunday best was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday school on time. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. Dear Lord, please don't let me be late."

At that moment she tripped and fell getting her clothes all dirty.

She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying... Dear Lord, please don't let me be late, but don't shove me anymore!

Feeling Secure

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.

The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman," a voice intoned as the airplane lifted off. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong...click.....nothing can go wrong..click....nothing can go wrong..click...."

Computer Age

The computer age has gone too far.  When my brother said, "Amen" after grace one night, one of his children asked what "amen" meant.
Before he or his wife could answer, their five-year-old responded: It means "send."

A Hole In Your Head!

My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old's shoes. That's when I noticed my son Ben staring at my husband's head. He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head.  Does it hurt?"

After a pause, I heard my husband's murmured reply, "Not physically." 
                                                                                 --Reader's Digest

Number Please

One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, "You know my name.  What's yours?"
"4136," I replied, since we were allowed only to give our operator numbers.
Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?"

Local Repair Shop

When his printer's type began to grow faint, the man called a local repair shop where a friendly repairman informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for cleaning a printer, the repairman told him that might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the man asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

A Quaker Gentleman

A good Quaker gentleman was awakened one night by sounds downstairs in the living room. Realizing there was an intruder in his house, the Quaker gentleman took his hunting rifle, and  standing at the top of the stairs, said:
"Sir, I mean to do thee no harm, but where thou standest is where I am about to shoot."