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December, 2002

The New Computer

Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer.  The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks. Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room!  You'll have to get rid of that coffee."

The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"

"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."

Holiday Toy Disclaimers

* Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.

* Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.

* Warning: Some dismemberment may occur.

* Warning: Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Sega Dreamcast -- especially when you've already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale -- may result in bodily injury.

* In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor
throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.

"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia."

"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"

"A check."

Brilliant Deductions

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker. 

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career!!!"

CPA Secrets

There was once an accounting firm where the senior CPA knew everything there was to know about accounting. He could answer any question. He knew all the tax laws: There wasn't a better accountant anywhere.

Every morning when he came to work, he would unlock his desk drawer, open it up and look inside for a moment, and then close and lock it again.

This puzzled all of his co-workers, because it was the only eccentricity that this genius exhibited. For years no one dared to breach etiquette and snoop through his desk, but his odd behavior became something of a legend around the office.

One day when the elderly man was home sick, one junior accountant could control himself no longer. Taking a letter opener he carefully pried open the desk lock.

Inside he found one sheet of paper, and written in large letters was:

"DEBITS ON THE LEFT...CREDITS ON THE RIGHT"

Christmas Drawing

One day, right before Christmas, a teacher asked her students to go to the board and draw something related to Christmas, and explain what it was.  

The first child drew a baby in a manger, explaining it symbolized Jesus in the manger.  

The second child drew three men standing next to the crib and said it was the Three Wise Men.  

The third child drew a large fat man, and said, "That's Round John Virgin!"

Bubba Claus

From: Santa Claus


 Effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern portion of the United States on Christmas Eve. Due to earth's current overwhelming population my contract has been renegotiated.

 Rest assured, southern children will be in good hands with your local replacement --Bubba Claus -- who happens to be my third cousin. (Bubba's side of the family is from the South Pole.) My cousin shares my goal of delivering toys to good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Please note:

 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

 2. Bubba Claus prefers RC colas and moonpies to milk and cookies and he doesn't smoke a pipe. He does dip a little snuff though, so please have a Dixie Cup with a folded towel in the bottom handy.

 3. BUBBA Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I once made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer; Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" from BUBBA Claus. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

 5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"

 6. And finally, BUBBA Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure your wife and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

 Sincerely yours,
 Santa Claus
 Member of North American Fairies and Elves/Union 1225

Just Like Mom

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman?  Are you THAT particular?  Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them.  So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mom?"

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again. "So Manny.  Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved  her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!!  So,....  Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

Lighting a Candle

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father Rafferty. "Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?"

She replied, "That you did, Father."

The priest asked, "And are there any little ones yet?"

"No, not yet Father," said she.

"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."

"Thank you, Father." And away she went.

A few years later they met again. "Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"

"Oh, very well," said she.

"And tell me," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?"

"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all."

"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"

"Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome. To blow out the damn candle!"

Last Request

On his deathbed, the man looked up and said: "Is my wife here?"

His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you.."

The Scot goes: "Are my children here?"

"Yes, daddy, we are all here?" say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

"Yes, we are all here..."

The man gets up and says: "Then why the heck is the light on in the kitchen?"

Combined Vocations

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"

Room Service

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played on them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by prank guests, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make that five."

Second Grade

Ms Wilcox had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science.  She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.  Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter `M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

Johnny, sitting  on the front row said, . . .  "You're a mother."

Walking is Beneficial

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner.!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Dinner Order

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is almond chicken and fresh fish.
 
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.
 
The waiter nods. "And for the vegetable?" he asks.
 
"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

A Cheerful Giver

A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. "Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself," she told the girl.

When they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.

"Well," said the little girl, "I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the man at the pulpit said that we should all be cheerful givers. I knew I'd be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did."

Fast Food

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

It All Adds Up

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"

"274" was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Little Johnny
(PG 13)

Little Johnny's teacher send a note home to his mother saying, "Johnny seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."

Little Johnny's mother wrote back the very next day, "If you find a solution, please  advise. I have the same problem with his father."

The Kings Throne

Many years ago, in the south pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him.

And each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small grass house. After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house
to collapse down killing the King.

Moral to the story is: He who lives in grass house, shouldn't stow thrones.

Doctors Orders

A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse.
 
"Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked.
 
"No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"

Straight A's

A scout for one of the leading colleges went to the office of the athletic director and announced, "Have I got an athlete for you! This guy can play every sport and excels at every position. He is absolutely the finest athlete I have ever seen play."

The athletic director was very impressed but had to ask the question, "But how is he scholastically?"

The scout replied, "He makes straight "A's" in every subject. However, I must tell you his "B's" are a little crooked." 

KISS

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.

A guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much."

The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for "Keep it short, Stupid."

Hello?

A salesman telephoned a household and a young boy answered. 

"May I speak to your mother?"  the salesman asked.

The boy replied, "She's not here right now."

The salesman then asked, "Is there anyone else there?"

The boy replied, "My sister".

The salesman asked, "May I speak to her"?

The boy replied, "I guess so".

At this point there was a long period of silence on the phone. Then the boy returned and said, "Hello?"

The salesman responded, "It's you again? I thought you were going to get your sister." 
  
"I tried" said the boy, "but I can't get her out of the playpen!!!"

26 Below!

When temperatures plunged to 26 degrees below zero Fahrenheit, the Rockford, Ill., Register Star asked its readers to finish the sentence, "It was so cold that..."  Here are some of the responses:

...you could freeze an egg on the sidewalk.

...I had to go up and break the smoke off my chimney.

...we opened the refrigerator to heat the house.

...when police saw a bank-robbery suspect and said, "Freeze!" he did.

...I saw a 32nd-degree Mason, and he was down to 15.

...when I called home to Arizona, the message caused the cactus to frost over.

...I let my dog out, and I had to break him loose from the tree.

The Wedding

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

 The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"

The Blessing

A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?

"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the woman said. 

Her daughter bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Lawyers

Two lawyers met at a cocktail party.

"How's business?" asked the first.

"Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper."

Predicting The Future

A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people predict the future with cards?"

His response was, "My mother can."

The teacher replied, "Really?"

The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."

Quotes From Student Papers

Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.