Wednesday, December 31, 2003
Everything Went Wrong
"So, what's the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing
fishing trip with your husband."
"Oh, everything went wrong: First he said I talked so loud I would scare
the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was
reeling in too soon.
"All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I
ended up catching the most fish!"
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
found out that all the important lessons of life are contained in the
three rules for achieving a perfect golf swing.
1. Keep your head down.
2. Follow through.
3. Be born with money.
December 29, 2003
Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one night celebrating, and
imbibing. They all became inebriated. And then Friar Tuck began to sing. He
became louder with each drink.
Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the band, dragged
the Friar deep into the woods. He then tucked him into the river, but the song
The moral of the story? . . . You can lead a drunk to water but you can't make
Sunday, December 28, 2003
old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country
preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased -- what an
honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go
up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."
Saturday, December 27, 2003
noticed you always carry my photo in your handbag. Why?" a husband asked
"When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture
and the problem always disappears," she said.
The man smiled. "You see how good I am for you?" he asked.
"Yes," she said. "I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other
problem can there be worse than this one?'"
Friday, December 26, 2003
new guy in the neighborhood walks into a local bar and orders a beer. The
place is full of regulars talking and drinking. Suddenly one fellow at the
end of the bar stands up and says, "Hey everybody, 16!" and the room
erupts into laughter.
Another guy at a table stands up and says, "I've got a better one...22!"
Again the whole bar starts laughing.
The new guy calls the bartender over and asks, "I'm really confused here.
What's with the numbers?"
"Well," the bartender answers, "the same guys have been coming in here for
years. After telling the same jokes over and over again we finally just
numbered them. Now whenever anybody wants to tell a joke all he has to do
is call out the number and everyone knows exactly what he's talking
"Incredible," says the guy. Wanting to seem like a regular Joe he decides
to participate in the custom. He stands up, clears his throat and calls
out, "12!" Every single person turns to stare at him in complete silence.
Much embarrassed he sits down to his beer. The bartender comes over and
tsk tsks at him. "What did I do wrong?" he asks.
"Nothing," replied the bartender. "Some people just don't know how to tell
Thursday, December 25, 2003
To: All Employees
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in
compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry
Running aluminum foil
through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
Playing Jingle Bells
on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance
Work requests are not
to be filed under "Bah humbug."
Company cars are not
to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
All fruitcake is to be
eaten BEFORE July 25.
Eggnog will NOT be
dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this,
the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
Wednesday, December 24, 2003
Ways To Annoy At Christmas
in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa
Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."
Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you
never get to join in on the reindeer games.
Sing "All I want for Christmas is your two front teeth..."
Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a little baggie. Attach a
note to the bag that has a picture of a snow man and this poem:
'You have been naughty, and here's the scoop All you get is the snowman's
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Complaints from Mrs. Claus:
1. He can remember which of 2.4 billion kids have been naughty or nice
but does he remember to replace the roll of toilet paper when it runs
2. That whole "knows if you've been bad or good" thing makes it mighty
hard for kids to cheat at Old Maid.
3. One night a year for me to sneak out with the girlfriends, and all
the bars are closed.
4. Managing toy production, keeping elves in line, cleaning up after
reindeer . . . meanwhile, fat-boy sits around 364 days out of the year and
gets all the glory.
Monday, December 22, 2003
Faster Than the Speed of Light
Advantages of Owning a Car Faster Than the Speed of Light
- Sleep until noon. Still get to work by 8:00 a.m.!
- Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states.
- No one can see you pick your nose while you drive.
- That deer in your headlights is actually behind you.
- Bugs never see you coming.
- Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan, "It's there before
you order or it's free!"
- The more you drive, the younger you get.
Sunday, December 21, 2003
A Golfer & St. Peter
golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle.
When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways
into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very
hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him
in the head and killed him.
The next thing he knew he was at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looked at the
big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?"
"Yes, I am," he replied.
Saint Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"
The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"
Saturday, December 20, 2003
Did It Help?
When a man met his friend on the street one day, he noticed that he had a
terrible cold. He asked him if he had seen a doctor about it and his
friend said, "No, but I probably should. Do you know a good doctor?" The
man gave his friend the name of his own doctor and assured him that he
would be in good hands.
About a week later, they met again and the man wasn't sure if his friend's
cold was really better. So, he asked him, "Did you see my doctor?"
"Oh, yeah," his friend said. "He was a really nice guy."
The man asked, "Did he give you something to help your cold?"
"Sure did," his friend answered, somewhat enthusiastically. "He told me to
drink a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath."
The man asked, "Well, did it help?"
And his friend said, "I don't really know, I haven't finished drinking the
Friday, December 19, 2003
Take It, Max
family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were
used to hearing my father proclaim, "Take it, Max," as he flipped on the
cruise control during long trips in our mini van. Recently, I was
traveling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse
of highway. My dad leaned back and said, "I think I'll let Tom drive for
"Tom who?" I asked.
My mother translated for me: "Tom Cruise, of course."
Thursday, December 18, 2003
How About A Date?
cute young woman was giving a manicure to a man in the barber shop. The
man said, "How about a date later?"
"I'm married," she answered.
With a wink he said, "So, just tell him you're going out with your
"Tell him yourself," she said, "he's shaving you."
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
Trying To Sleep
man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his
destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park
somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would
have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's
major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there
came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked
at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left.
The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another
knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers
passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one
disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a
sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled
back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Dear Hiring Manager,
Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a
position in your department at this time. This year I have been
particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection
letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is
impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite your companies' outstanding qualifications and previous experience
in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs
at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department
this August. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting
Monday, December 15, 2003
I Consider It a Service
priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his
haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I
consider it a service to the Lord."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books
and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then
asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a
service to the community."
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a
thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how
much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in
front of the door.
Sunday, December 14, 2003
I left the grocery store, I noticed two little kids, maybe six or seven
years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to raise money for
their school band.
"I'll buy a chocolate bar on one condition," I said to the boys. "You eat
it for me."
I bought one and handed the candy back to one of the boys. He shook his
head. "I can't," he said.
Looking me in the eye, he responded gravely, "I'm not supposed to take
candy from strangers."
Saturday, December 13, 2003
older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an
anniversary soon, right?"
The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years."
"Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your
The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."
"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to
be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?"
"Go back and get her."
Friday, December 12, 2003
gets shot. At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his
cousins shot him.
began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his
shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellers wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what
happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I
remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
Thursday, December 11, 2003
There were three college football players at a bar celebrating that they
put a puzzle together.
bartender says, 'How long did it take?'
players said, 'it took us 64 days.'
said, 'is that must be some kind of record.'
They said, 'It must be. On the side of the box it said 2 to 3 years.'
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the
lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the
lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a
"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right
now he's getting ready for a big date."
"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.
"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of
the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the
driveway was ready for him."
Tuesday, December 9, 2003
Is That So?
surgeon was disturbed about the high cost of her car repair. "This is
ridiculous!" she said, "charging me five hundred dollars to grind the valves and
put in new piston rings."
"Not really, just think about it. You are a surgeon and should know that an
automobile engine is just as complicated as a human body. The mechanic who
serviced your car is just as skilled as you are."
"Is that so? Well, let me see him grind valves while the engine is running."
Monday, December 8, 2003
A woman went to a
Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed
unqualified for the position.
"Do you have any actual
experience picking lemons?" he asked.
"Well, I think I do."
she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
Sunday, December 7, 2003
years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date
again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals
column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled
three ads that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off
Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I
came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled
in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."
Saturday, December 6, 2003
Little Johnny was one of
those holy terrors and her husband was surprised when his wife suggested that
they buy him a bike for his birthday.
"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior ?" he said.
"Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a wider area."
Friday, December 5, 2003
There was a fire in my
neighborhood, and I arrived just in time to see firefighters carry one of their
men out of the burning house and lower him to a sitting position on the lawn.
Visibly shaken, he took out a cigarette, lit it, and sat there puffing on it to
calm his nerves.
"What happened to that poor guy?" I asked a bystander.
He replied, "Smoke inhalation."
Thursday, December 4, 2003
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding,
and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general
began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing
that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The
farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they
are--I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are
common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always
found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute
he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement
and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Wednesday, December 3, 2003
archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket
containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious
natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man
who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later,
the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's
age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on
Tuesday, December 2, 2003
What Am I?
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science.
had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and
other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name
begins with the letter `M' and I pick up things. What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."
Monday, December 1, 2003
preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he
said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into
the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "
And if I had all the wine in
the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And
if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the
river." He sat down.
The head elder then stood and
announced, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365,
"Shall We Gather at the River."