December 2003

Temperance Sermon	What Am I	Easy
Traffic Ticket	It Figures	Little Johnny
Personal Ads	Lemon Picking	Is That So
Getting Ready	A Record	Redneck Hunting
Anniversary Gifts	I Cant!	I Consider It a Service
Rejection Response	Trying To Sleep	How About A Date
Take It, Max	Did It Help	A Golfer & St. Peter
Faster Than the Speed of Light	Complaints from Mrs. Claus:	Ways To Annoy At Christmas
Office Memo	Telling Jokes	Problems
Just Checking	Robin Hood	Three Rules
	Everything Went Wrong

"So, what's the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."

"Oh, everything went wrong: First he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.

"All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"

I found out that all the important lessons of life are contained in the three rules for achieving a perfect golf swing.

1. Keep your head down.

2. Follow through.

3. Be born with money.

Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one night celebrating, and imbibing. They all became inebriated. And then Friar Tuck began to sing. He became louder with each drink.

Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods. He then tucked him into the river, but the song lingered on.

The moral of the story? . . . You can lead a drunk to water but you can't make him hoarse.

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased -- what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

"I noticed you always carry my photo in your handbag. Why?" a husband asked his wife.

"When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem always disappears," she said.

The man smiled. "You see how good I am for you?" he asked.

"Yes," she said. "I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be worse than this one?'"

A new guy in the neighborhood walks into a local bar and orders a beer. The place is full of regulars talking and drinking. Suddenly one fellow at the end of the bar stands up and says, "Hey everybody, 16!" and the room erupts into laughter.

Another guy at a table stands up and says, "I've got a better one...22!" Again the whole bar starts laughing.

The new guy calls the bartender over and asks, "I'm really confused here. What's with the numbers?"

"Well," the bartender answers, "the same guys have been coming in here for years. After telling the same jokes over and over again we finally just numbered them. Now whenever anybody wants to tell a joke all he has to do is call out the number and everyone knows exactly what he's talking about."

"Incredible," says the guy. Wanting to seem like a regular Joe he decides to participate in the custom. He stands up, clears his throat and calls out, "12!" Every single person turns to stare at him in complete silence.

Much embarrassed he sits down to his beer. The bartender comes over and tsk tsks at him. "What did I do wrong?" he asks.

"Nothing," replied the bartender. "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke."

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.

Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."

Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.

Sing "All I want for Christmas is your two front teeth..."

Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a little baggie. Attach a note to the bag that has a picture of a snow man and this poem:

'You have been naughty, and here's the scoop All you get is the snowman's poop!'

1. He can remember which of 2.4 billion kids have been naughty or nice but does he remember to replace the roll of toilet paper when it runs out? NooOOooo.

2. That whole "knows if you've been bad or good" thing makes it mighty hard for kids to cheat at Old Maid.

3. One night a year for me to sneak out with the girlfriends, and all the bars are closed.

4. Managing toy production, keeping elves in line, cleaning up after reindeer . . . meanwhile, fat-boy sits around 364 days out of the year and gets all the glory.

Advantages of Owning a Car Faster Than the Speed of Light

- Sleep until noon. Still get to work by 8:00 a.m.!

- Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states.

- No one can see you pick your nose while you drive.

- That deer in your headlights is actually behind you.

- Bugs never see you coming.

- Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan, "It's there before you order or it's free!"

- The more you drive, the younger you get.

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the head and killed him.

The next thing he knew he was at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?"

"Yes, I am," he replied.

Saint Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"

The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"

When a man met his friend on the street one day, he noticed that he had a terrible cold. He asked him if he had seen a doctor about it and his friend said, "No, but I probably should. Do you know a good doctor?" The man gave his friend the name of his own doctor and assured him that he would be in good hands.

About a week later, they met again and the man wasn't sure if his friend's cold was really better. So, he asked him, "Did you see my doctor?"

"Oh, yeah," his friend said. "He was a really nice guy."

The man asked, "Did he give you something to help your cold?"

"Sure did," his friend answered, somewhat enthusiastically. "He told me to drink a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath."

The man asked, "Well, did it help?"

And his friend said, "I don't really know, I haven't finished drinking the bath yet."

My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, "Take it, Max," as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our mini van. Recently, I was traveling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, "I think I'll let Tom drive for a while."

"Tom who?" I asked.

My mother translated for me: "Tom Cruise, of course."

A cute young woman was giving a manicure to a man in the barber shop. The man said, "How about a date later?"

"I'm married," she answered.

With a wink he said, "So, just tell him you're going out with your girlfriends."

"Tell him yourself," she said, "he's shaving you."

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"8:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"

Subject: Human Resources

Dear Hiring Manager,

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department at this time. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your companies' outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."

The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

As I left the grocery store, I noticed two little kids, maybe six or seven years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to raise money for their school band.

"I'll buy a chocolate bar on one condition," I said to the boys. "You eat it for me."

I bought one and handed the candy back to one of the boys. He shook his head. "I can't," he said.

"Why not?"

Looking me in the eye, he responded gravely, "I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers."

Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?"

The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years."

"Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?"

The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."

"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?"

"Go back and get her."

A redneck gets shot. At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellers wanna go hunting?'"

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

There were three college football players at a bar celebrating that they put a puzzle together.

Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date."

"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.

"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."

A woman surgeon was disturbed about the high cost of her car repair. "This is ridiculous!" she said, "charging me five hundred dollars to grind the valves and put in new piston rings."

"Not really, just think about it. You are a surgeon and should know that an automobile engine is just as complicated as a human body. The mechanic who serviced your car is just as skilled as you are."

"Is that so? Well, let me see him grind valves while the engine is running."

A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed unqualified for the position.

After 4 years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three ads that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.

Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."

Little Johnny was one of those holy terrors and her husband was surprised when his wife suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.

"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior ?" he said.

"Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a wider area."

There was a fire in my neighborhood, and I arrived just in time to see firefighters carry one of their men out of the burning house and lower him to a sitting position on the lawn.

Visibly shaken, he took out a cigarette, lit it, and sat there puffing on it to calm his nerves.

"What happened to that poor guy?" I asked a bystander.

He replied, "Smoke inhalation."

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter `M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "

And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The head elder then stood and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365,
"Shall We Gather at the River."