December 31, 2004
Can I Believe?
was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked
whether he could fly like Superman.
"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms really really
So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped,
then smashed into the ground just a few inches below.
Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What the
Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything
someone tells him."
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Isn't It Good?
new painting program on my computer, I managed to come up with a very
credible still life of fruit. I made a color printout and sent it to my
daughter, a graphic designer. She called when it arrived.
"Isn't it good?" I asked.
She chuckled, and in a tone that echoed mine from years ago, replied,
"Mom, it's beautiful. We put it on the refrigerator."
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches have
dropped dead from old age.
In the monkey cage he discovers two of the oldest chimps have also kicked
Waste not want not so he puts them in a sack with the finches and later
tosses them in the lion's cage at feeding time.
"Oh No!," roars the lion, "not finch and chimps again."
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look
years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the
"miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say
Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
Monday, December 27, 2004
of boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a
sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the
boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat
out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.
After about a half mile, the boy stopped and stooped over with his hands
on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to
him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, little man!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid
"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of
rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the boy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Southern Nativity Scene
small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill
and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The
three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up
with a reason or explanation, I left.
"Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter
about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn
Yankees never do read the Bible!"
her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the
jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages,
and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she
said "See, it says right here, The three wise man came from afar.'"
Friday, December 24, 2004
Money to a Bum
was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I
started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity and Christmas
spirit. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give
away. What did your husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
Thursday, December 23, 2004
The Price is Right
homeowner got into his old work clothes one Saturday morning and set about
all the chores his wife had been urging him to do all week. He cleaned the
garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a
woman pulled up in the driveway and called out her window, "Say, what do
you get for yard work?"
The fellow thought for a moment, then answered, "The lady who lives here
lets me sleep with her."
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path
of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US
case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
A boy was
taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He
decided to go fishing so he took her with him.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't
catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away, " his
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
Monday, December 20, 2004
Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of
obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who
had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they
got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out.
All from the same person.
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Sure Makes It Easy
candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous
campaign rallies in the same park of a small New England town. After a
lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the
hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily. Suddenly, the skies opened and
it began to rain.
One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along
with half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to
move through the crowd -- shaking hands, kissing babies, etc.
"That man's persistence," observed one of the natives, "sure makes it easy
to know who to vote for."
"Yep," another native agreed. "Sure can't see myself casting a vote for a
man who hasn't the good sense to come in out of the rain."
Saturday, December 18, 2004
University of Alabama football player was visiting a relative in Boston
over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was
attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where do ya'll go
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern
drawl, but answered his question anyway,
"Yale," she replied.
The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DO YA'LL GO
Friday, December 17, 2004
at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly
announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000.
If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."
There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the
cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"
Thursday, December 16, 2004
"Now what ?"
was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining
that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance
and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto
the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what ?" the fellow
asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally
said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great ! NOW you tell me." said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep
for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer
pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother
came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She
asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their
hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in
hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.
"Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen
how many bricks it took to finish this courtyard."
"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of
The guide replied simply, "One."
Monday, December 13, 2004
Smart man + smart
woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Smart boss + smart
employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for
a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS &
A woman worries about
the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a
man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.
Married men live
longer than single men,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man
should forget his mistakes,
there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as
good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man
expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last
word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times
when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
Saturday, December 11, 2004
was young, my family was really poor. Everything I wore - socks, shirts,
even handkerchiefs - had been darned over and over by my mother.
I wasn't the smartest or the best looking, but I sure was the best darned
kid in the neighborhood!
Friday, December 10, 2004
Getting a Day Off
goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're
doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to
help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
Thursday, December 9, 2004
The husband and
wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.
"Please dear, I need help." she said.
The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help."
A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his
shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're
"Don't worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second hole. He said he will come
and help you."
"The second hole??? When in the world is he coming???"
"I told you not to worry," he said, practice stroking his putt...."Everyone's
already agreed to let him play through."
Wednesday, December 8, 2004
Billy Bob' Vacation
and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya
know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do
it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to
where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got
pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie
got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie
didn't get pregnant again."
asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me."
Tuesday, December 7, 2004
Wait A Minute
one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I
want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it
here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"
With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute,
I'll go with you."
Monday, December 6, 2004
psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was
giving an oral test. Speaking about manic depression, she asked, 'How
would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top
of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball
Sunday, December 5, 2004
couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The
conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a
The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah,
Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him
getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island."
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was
mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get
your coat and let's get out of here."
As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned
to him. "You're angry about something."
"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in
my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot!
Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"
Saturday, December 4, 2004
Of Course You Can
says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."
His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."
The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door,
there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch."
"Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "Of course, you can," and shut the door.
Friday, December 3, 2004
grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We
learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more that a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's
interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
Thursday, December 2, 2004
opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asked.
"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", the rabbit replied.
said the lady.
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing".
Wednesday, December 1, 2004
Well Trained Worker
carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied
myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when
one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors.
"Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down
"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."