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December 2004

Friday,  December 31, 2004

Can I Believe?

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms really really hard."

So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground just a few inches below.

Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What the heck happened?!?"

Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him."

Thursday,  December 30, 2004

Isn't It Good?

Using a new painting program on my computer, I managed to come up with a very credible still life of fruit.  I made a color printout and sent it to my daughter, a graphic designer.  She called when it arrived.

"Isn't it good?" I asked.

She chuckled, and in a tone that echoed mine from years ago, replied, "Mom, it's beautiful.  We put it on the refrigerator."

Wednesday,  December 29, 2004

Groaner Alert!

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches have dropped dead from old age.

In the monkey cage he discovers two of the oldest chimps have also kicked the bucket.

Waste not want not so he puts them in a sack with the finches and later tosses them in the lion's cage at feeding time.

"Oh No!," roars the lion, "not finch and chimps again."

Tuesday,  December 28, 2004

Miracle Products

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

Monday,  December 27, 2004

Gone Fishin

A couple of boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the boy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, little man!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the boy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

Saturday,  December 25, 2004

Southern Nativity Scene

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, The three wise man came from afar.'"

Friday,  December 24, 2004

Money to a Bum

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity and Christmas spirit. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

Thursday,  December 23, 2004

The Price is Right

The homeowner got into his old work clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores his wife had been urging him to do all week. He cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and called out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a moment, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."

Wednesday,  December 22, 2004

Stealing

Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"

Tuesday,  December 21, 2004

Babysitting

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing so he took her with him.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away, " his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

Monday,  December 20, 2004

Disorder

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out.

All from the same person.

Sunday,  December 19, 2004

Sure Makes It Easy

Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of a small New England town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd shaking
hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily. Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain.

One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd -- shaking hands, kissing babies, etc.

"That man's persistence," observed one of the natives, "sure makes it easy to know who to vote for."

"Yep," another native agreed. "Sure can't see myself casting a vote for a man who hasn't the good sense to come in out of the rain."

Saturday,  December 18, 2004

Yale

A University of Alabama football player was visiting a relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where do ya'll go ta'school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but answered his question anyway,

"Yale," she replied.

The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DO YA'LL GO TA'SCHOOL!?"

Friday,  December 17, 2004

Reward

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"

Thursday,  December 16, 2004

"Now what ?"

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.

Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.  The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.  "Now what ?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great !  NOW you tell me." said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

Wednesday,  December 15, 2004

A Classic

A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew. "

Tuesday,  December 14, 2004

How Many?

While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.  "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.

"Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish this courtyard."

"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.

The guide replied simply, "One."

Monday,  December 13, 2004

Generally Speaking

MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes,
there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
 before marriage and after marriage.

Saturday,  December 11, 2004

The Best

When I was young, my family was really poor. Everything I wore - socks, shirts, even handkerchiefs - had been darned over and over by my mother.

I wasn't the smartest or the best looking, but I sure was the best darned kid in the neighborhood!

Friday,  December 10, 2004

Getting a Day Off

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

Thursday,  December 9, 2004

Don't Worry

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.

"Please dear, I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help."

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second hole. He said he will come and help you."

"The second hole??? When in the world is he coming???"

"I told you not to worry," he said, practice stroking his putt...."Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

Wednesday,  December 8, 2004

Billy Bob' Vacation

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."

Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me."

Tuesday,  December 7, 2004

Wait A Minute

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

Monday,  December 6, 2004

Mental Health

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking about manic depression, she asked, 'How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?'

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?'

Sunday,  December 5, 2004

Mozart

A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart.  "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"

The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only  this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to  Coney Island."

There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out  of here."

As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."

"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus  doesn't go out to Coney Island?"

Saturday,  December 4, 2004

Of Course You Can

This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."

His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."

The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch."

She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"

I said, "Of course, you can," and shut the door.

Friday,  December 3, 2004

Making Babies

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what?  We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more that a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

Thursday,  December 2, 2004

A Rabbit

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", the rabbit replied.

"Yes" said the lady.

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing".

Wednesday,  December 1, 2004

Well Trained Worker

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed  floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."

"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."