Saturday, December 31, 2005
Joe, the Governor's
most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had
depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to
wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend.
Friday, December 30, 2005
An elderly man and
his wife decided to separate. Before being allowed to do so legally, the
Family Court insisted they undergo some counseling from the marriage
therapist to see if their union could be saved.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
1. Dinner will be
ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
"Do you know the
present value of your husband's policy?" the life-insurance salesman asked
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Bobby's class was
having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Bobby to recite a
sentence with a direct object.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement,
who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from
the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and
girls; however,there are a few differences between us.
is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from
Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that
Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon
won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.."
Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
7. The usual
Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Not long ago and far away, as Santa prepared for his annual trip chaos erupted. Four of his Elves got sick, and the trainees didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular Elves.
Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being on schedule when Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. "Great!" thought Santa.
When he went outside to harness the reindeer he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence.
To top it off, when he tried to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee. In his frustration, he dropped the coffeepot, breaking it into hundreds of little pieces. Then when he went to get the broom, he found mice had eaten the straw bristles. Just then, the doorbell rang.
Santa stomped to the door and opened it to find a little Angel with a great big Christmas tree. "Hi, fat man," said the Angel, "Where would you like me to put this tree?"
And that, my friend, is how the little Angel came to be on top of the Christmas Tree!
Saturday, December 24, 2005
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:
Deck the Halls with
Friday, December 23, 2005
During a dinner
party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude
and walked slowly around the table.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Waiter: Tea or
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Two roaches were
munching on garbage in an alley. "I was in that new restaurant across the
street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, the floors are
gleaming white. It's so sanitary the whole place shines."
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
David was a
crotchety old fellow who always had breakfast with his wife. He would read
the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all days
because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.
Monday, December 19, 2005
A blackjack dealer
and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether
or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, "When I get
bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good
cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip
Sunday, December 18, 2005
A professor stood
before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand
out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you
this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are
off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed
up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week,
anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a
'B' for the course."
Saturday, December 17, 2005
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"
"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
Friday, December 16, 2005
Mary was almost
crazy with her four kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're
driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Most people deserve each other.
All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.
The one who snores will fall asleep first.
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.
The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.
Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind.
If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.
Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
A man on trial in
the Fourth Judicial district of Tennessee had previously pleaded "not
guilty." However, once the jury, eight women and four men, had been
seated and the trial was under way, the defendant switched his plea.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Sister Catherine is
asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to
be when they grow up.
Monday, December 12, 2005
The census taker
knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions except one. She
refused to tell him her age.
"Well, I'm the same
age as they are," she snapped.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
A State Trooper
pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the lady driver. "Mam,
is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."
She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"
"I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."
Friday, December 9, 2005
In search of a new shower, my wife and I went to a bathroom-supply store. We discussed our needs with a young saleswoman. Since it was near closing time, we had to curtail our discussion.
Later my wife and I were at a restaurant, where the same young lady was working as a waitress.
As she passed our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in a voice loud enough for nearby diners to hear, "Hey, you're the man who needs a shower!"
Thursday, December 8, 2005
"Hello, Mr. Brown," said
the sales rep. "I'm calling because our company replaced all the windows
in your house with our triple-glazed weather-tight windows over a year
ago, and you still haven't sent us a single payment."
Wednesday, December 7, 2005
A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"
The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"
The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"
So the guy sits the dog at the piano, and the dog starts playing ragtime, a little swing, some Gershwin. The bartender is amazed and patrons are enjoying the music.
Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"
The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wants him to be a doctor."
Tuesday, December 6, 2005
A little rural town had
one of the highest birth rates in the country and this phenomenon
attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.
Monday, December 5, 2005
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days."
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
Sunday, December 4, 2005
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock," the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
Saturday, December 3, 2005
A Doctor had wanted to
see how much his older patients remembered so he had three older men come
to his office.
The man replied "Tuesday."
He asked the second old man " What is 3 x 5?"
"157," he said confidently.
He came to the last old man and asked him " What is 3 x 5 ?"
And the old man said, "15."
"Wow", said the doctor ,
"How did you figure that out?"
"I subtracted Tuesday from 157" he said!
Friday, December 2, 2005
Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usually have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, "I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel."
Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home.
Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, "How are you feeling?"
Tim says he's fine, never felt better. Bob asks, "Do you have a hangover?" Tim says no.
Then Tim says, "Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover."
Then Bob says, "Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet?"
Tim says, "No, why?"
Bob says, "I'm calling you from Detroit!"
Thursday, December 1, 2005
At a clearance sale, the
wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a
perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while
the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a
rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc
sewn into the design of the tie.