Welcome
chuckle

December, 2005

You'd Better Hurry

Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night.  The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending  bills to wardrobe decisions.  In addition, Joe had been his closest friend.

 So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe's job. "They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.

 At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side.  "Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?"

 "Certainly," the governor replied.  "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."

For The Children

An elderly man and his wife decided to separate.  Before being allowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo some counseling from the marriage therapist to see if their union could be saved.

The counselor did her best, but to no avail.  The old folks were absolutely determined to go through with the separation leading to divorce. Finally, in some desperation, the counselor said:  "But you're 95 and your wife is 93.  You've been married for 72 years!  Why do you want to separate now??"

To which the wife replied:  "We haven't been able to stand each other for the last 46 years.  But we thought we should wait until all the children died before we split up."

Kitchen Signs

1. Dinner will be ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

3. If, we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

4. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

5. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

6. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

7. Help keep the kitchen clean --->>> eat out.

8. Housework done properly can kill you.

9. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

10. My next house will have no kitchen ----just vending machines

Insurance

"Do you know the present value of your husband's policy?" the life-insurance salesman asked his client.

"What do you mean?" countered the woman.

"If you should lose your husband, what would you get?"

The woman thought a minute then brightened up and said, "A poodle!"

Direct Object

Bobby's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Bobby to recite a sentence with a direct object.

Bobby stood and thought, then said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are beautiful."

"Why thank you, Bobby," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?"

"A good report card next month," he replied.

Monday,  December 26, 2005

From: Santa Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.  His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however,there are a few differences between us.
       Differences such as:

        1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from
        Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker
       that reads:"These toys insured
        by Smith and Wesson."

        2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that
        children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the
        fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff
        though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

        3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon
        dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a
        couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks
       Bubba's fireplace.

        4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.."
        when  Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on
        Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

        5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
        likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

        6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
        have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words
       "Back Off."

        7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
        Street"and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in our negotiated viewing area.  
        Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
       the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
       crashing into each other.

        And Finally,

        8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure
        you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over
        to put presents under the tree.

        Sincerely Yours,

        Santa Claus
        Member of North American
        Fairies and Elves, Union 1225

A Christmas Tree Ornament

Not long ago and far away, as Santa prepared for his annual trip chaos erupted. Four of his Elves got sick, and the trainees didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular Elves.

 Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being on schedule when Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. "Great!" thought Santa.

When he went outside to harness the reindeer he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence.

More stress!

To top it off, when he tried to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee. In his frustration, he dropped the coffeepot, breaking it into hundreds of little pieces. Then when he went to get the broom, he found mice had eaten the straw bristles. Just then, the doorbell rang.

Santa stomped to the door and opened it to find a little Angel with a great big Christmas tree. "Hi, fat man," said the Angel, "Where would you like me to put this tree?"

And that, my friend, is how the little Angel came to be on top of the Christmas Tree!

Christmas Carols

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
 
We three kings of porridge and tar
 
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
 
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
 
He's makin a list, chicken and rice.
 
Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
 
With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer.
 
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
 
Sleep in heavenly peas
 
In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
 
You'll go down in listerine
 
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
 
O come, froggy faithful
 
You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
 
Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

Vanishing Cream

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it IS vanishing cream!"

Waiter: Tea or coffee, gentlemen?

1st customer: I'll have tea.

2nd customer: Me, too.  And be sure the glass is clean!

 (Waiter exits, returns)

Waiter: Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?

Two Roaches

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley. "I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, the floors are gleaming white. It's so sanitary the whole place shines."

"Please," said the other roach, frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

David was a crotchety old fellow who always had breakfast with his wife. He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.

"David!!  David!! Put down that paper and let's talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today.  What do you suggest?"

David put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared for a moment into the distance, then said, "How about two minutes of silence?"

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"

The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"

"Yes."

"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."

"Okay, but, the waiter brings me whatever I order. So I'll take an eight.

A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."

There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance."

One final student rose up and opted out of the final. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those still remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourselves," he said. "You all get 'A's."

Obviously

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.  So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive.  It will cost  $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a  new sports car!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

Separation

Mary was almost crazy with her four kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.

So Mary bought a playpen.  A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

"Superb!  I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"

Quirks About Life You Notice By The Time You Are Fifty

Most people deserve each other.

All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.

The one who snores will fall asleep first.

The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.

The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.

Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind.

If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.

The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.

Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.

Smart

A man on trial in the Fourth Judicial district of Tennessee had previously pleaded "not guilty."  However, once the jury, eight women and four men, had been seated and the trial was under way, the defendant switched his plea.

"Why the change?" asked the judge, "Were you persuaded to plead 'guilty'?"

"No Sir," the man replied, "When I pleaded 'not guilty', I didn't know women would be on the jury.  I can't fool one woman, so I know I can't fool eight of them."

What a Relief

Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. 

Little Sheila says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"

Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks:  "What in the world did you say?"

"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats.

Sister Catherine breathes a sigh of relief and says:  "Thank God!  I thought you said a Protestant"

The census taker knocked on Donna's door.  She answered all his questions except one.  She refused to tell him her age.

"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.

"Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked.

"Certainly," he replied

"Well, I'm the same age as they are," she snapped.

"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.

Accident

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the lady driver. "Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

Poor Old Murphy

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

Friday,  December 9, 2005

Shower

In search of a new shower, my wife and I went to a bathroom-supply store.  We discussed our needs with a young saleswoman.  Since it was near closing time, we had to curtail our discussion.

Later my wife and I were at a restaurant, where the same young lady was working as a waitress. 

As she passed our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in a voice loud enough for nearby diners to hear, "Hey, you're the man who needs a shower!"

Thursday,  December 8, 2005

Sales Pitch

"Hello, Mr. Brown," said the sales rep.  "I'm calling because our company replaced all the windows in your house with our triple-glazed weather-tight windows over a year ago, and you still haven't sent us a single payment."

 The customer replied, "Of course not,  you said they'd pay for THEMSELVES in 12 months."

Wednesday,  December 7, 2005

Small Dog

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog at the piano, and the dog starts playing ragtime, a little swing, some Gershwin. The bartender is amazed and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wants him to be a doctor."

Tuesday,  December 6, 2005

Birth Rate

A little rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.

They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

Monday,  December 5, 2005

Seeing Clearly Now

An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days."

The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem?  Didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Sunday,  December 4, 2005

Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock," the man replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

Saturday,  December 3, 2005

The Memory Test

A Doctor had wanted to see how much his older patients remembered so he had three older men come to his office.

He asked the first man, "What is 3 x 5?"

The man replied "Tuesday."

He asked the second old man " What is 3 x 5?"

"157," he said confidently.

He came to the last old man and asked him " What is 3 x 5 ?"

And the old man said, "15."

"Wow", said the doctor ,

"How did you figure that out?"

"I subtracted Tuesday from 157" he said!

Friday,  December 2, 2005

Getting a Buzz

Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usually have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, "I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel."

Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home.

Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, "How are you feeling?"

Tim says he's fine, never felt better. Bob asks, "Do you have a hangover?" Tim says no.

Then Tim says, "Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover."

Then Bob says, "Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet?"

Tim says, "No, why?"

Bob says, "I'm calling you from Detroit!"

Thursday,  December 1, 2005

A "Bug"!

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.  Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.

The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants.  The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.

Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests.  "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"