Sunday, December 31, 2006
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So God asked him: "What is the matter?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He told him, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you want it.
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "A woman that special will cost an arm and a leg."
"What can I get for a rib?", Adam asked.
The rest is history.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
There was this man who had a dog which he was attempting to train, but alas had very little success. He was on the verge of despair when he happened across a very charismatic American evangelist. He unburdened his soul to the American, who promptly informed him to leave the dog with him, and he would have it trained in a jiffy. The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist got on. The reply was positive, and the evangelist calls the dog to give a demonstration. Picking up a stick, he throws it and says, "Fetch." Instantly the dog takes off, grabs the stick and returns. The evangelist says, "Drop" and the dog drops the stick at his feet. "Roll over," and the dog rolls over. By this time the dog's owner is very excited, and asks if he can have a go.
"Sure," replies the evangelist.
"Heel!" says the owner and the dog lifts one paw, places it on the man's forehead and says, "I command this sickness to leave you..."
Friday, December 29, 2006
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough," Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
Thursday, December 28, 2006
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, where as women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
He said, "What?"
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice, "The big sissy."
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Six months after a waiter died, his widow went to see a medium, who promised she would contact the man in the great beyond.
During the sťance, the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit.
"Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!"
A ghostly voice drifted from the corner... "I can't. It's not my table."
Monday, December 25, 2006
One day, right before Christmas, a teacher asked her students to go to the board and draw something related to Christmas, and explain what it was. The first child drew a baby in a manger, explaining it symbolized Jesus in the manger.
The second child drew three men standing next to the crib and said it was the Three Wise Men.
The third child drew a large fat man, and said, "That's Round John Virgin!"
Sunday, December 24, 2006
"How long have you been driving with a broken tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Roger was fed up with his wife, so he packed up his stuff and moved into the garage. Although the couple seldom spoke, he continued to mow the lawn, take out the garbage and fix the car, while she cooked the meals, vacuumed and did the laundry.
Months later, Roger met his friend Don for drinks. "Things don't seem to be working out any better," Don remarked. "Why don't you just move out?"
"Well, if you really want to know the truth," Roger explained, "she makes such a good neighbor."
Friday, December 22, 2006
74 million years ago, the primitive ancestors of man were the first creatures with the ability to grasp an object in their hands. . .
. . .fossil records indicate that the object appears to be a remote control, which man hasn't put down since.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
A jogger, running down a country road, is startled as a horse yells at him, "Hey! Come over here, buddy!" The jogger is stunned, but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Are you talking to me???"
The horse replies, "Sure am! Listen, I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago, but then this farmer bought me, and now all I do is pull a plow. I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me? I'll make you some real money, 'cause I can still run."
Dollar signs go off in the jogger's head. So he runs up to the farmhouse, where he finds the old farmer sitting on the porch. The jogger says, "Say, old man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old, broken-down nag you've got out in the field."
Says the farmer, "Son, you can't believe everything you hear. He's never even been to Kentucky."
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
A Texan farmer goes to Australia on vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!"
They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately replies, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has died down when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie, "What are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his dummy are spurting out really crude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady sitting in the audience stands up.
"I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. It's because of you that I have had to try harder to prove myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair."
"Gosh, Miss, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."
"Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap!"
Monday, December 18, 2006
There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."
"What did she say?" asked the friend.
The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business.
"Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That 96' beauty belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. That one over there 104' is owned by the head of Goldman, Sachs. And look at that huge 210' yacht out there. That's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache."
His friend Morris was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face.
"What's the matter?" Goodman asked.
"I was just wondering," Morris said. "why aren't there any customers' yachts?"
Saturday, December 16, 2006
A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan, and when her husband returned home from another bender, she jumped out from behind the sofa and screamed.
"You don't scare me," the man said, looking her over calmly. "I married your sister."
Friday, December 15, 2006
Years ago there was a baker's assistant whose sole job was to pour the dough mixture for making sausage rolls (apparently the royal family loved sausage). Because people were identified by their professions, he was just called Richard the Pourer.
One day Richard ran out of some key ingredients, namely a secret spice he used in the batter. He called his apprentice and sent him to the store to buy more spices. When the apprentice arrived at the store, he found that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. Hoping that the storekeeper might be able to figure it out, he described it to him,
"it's for Richard the Pourer for batter for wurst."
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Two senior ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
A New Yorker was being shown around the back country of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" he asked.
The cousin smirked, "Depends on how fast ya carry it."
Monday, December 11, 2006
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."
Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"
The clerk said, "Rain."
Sunday, December 10, 2006
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief moment and then replied; "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
Saturday, December 9, 2006
Jeff and Eunice were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," said Eunice in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."
Jeff agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted Eunice go first.
"I'm wrong," Eunice said.
With a twinkle in his eye, Jeff responded, "You're right!"
Friday, December 8, 2006
When I sang in the concert choir in high school, we had a very skillful, operatically-trained director. One day she was demonstrating tonal and breath control and sang a single note, perfectly true, with no vibrato, for what seemed to us like five minutes.
Just as she finished, with no time for her to regain her breath, a voice from the back of the room piped up, "If this had been a real emergency...."
Thursday, December 7, 2006
Seeing my 11-year-old perusing a website filled with photos of Britney Spears, I commented, "She certainly is pretty. Which picture do you like best?"
"I don't know," he mumbled, embarrassed by his newfound interest in girls. "I'm just reading about her."
I came closer and peered at the screen. "Oh, really?" I said. "So when did you learn to read Spanish?"
Wednesday, December 6, 2006
Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, " I think Sal is dead! Whadda want me ta do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence , and then a shot is heard.
Vinny's voice comes back on the line, "Okay... now what?"
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
You have just received the Amish computer virus. Because we don't have any computers, or programming experience, this virus works on the honor system.
Please delete all the files from your hard drive and hand-deliver this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you for your cooperation.
The Amish Computer Engineering Department
Monday, December 4, 2006
One day the sun was
shinning brightly and the optimist said, "Great day, eh?"
So the optimist took his friend duck hunting, which he loved. After the first duck was shot the optimist dispatched his dog to fetch the duck. The dog ran on top of the water, picked up the duck and ran back.
The optimist exclaimed "Did you see that?"
The pessimist replied, "Dog can't swim, eh?"
Sunday, December 3, 2006
Paddy 'n' Mick join the army, and are put on street patrol in a city with a military curfew. They are given instructions to shoot anybody who's on the streets after 6 o'clock. So one day, they're out at twenty to 6, when Paddy spots a man walking on the other side of the street. He lines up the man in his sights and shoots the man dead. Mick is shocked.
"What are you doin', Paddy? It ain't 6 yet!"
"I know what I'm doin'. I know where he lives and he wouldn't have made it!"
Saturday, December 2, 2006
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school.
So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
"Yes. What do you think that means?"
"That means we're Pisscopalians."
Friday, December 1, 2006
The plane was only half-full. When an attractive young woman asked if the seat next to mine was free, my male ego soared. Soon we were chatting pleasantly, and she told me it was her first flight.
"Mom said to sit next to someone I thought I could trust," she confessed nervously. "And you look just like my dad."