Monday, December 31, 2007
A Vermont farmer bought some land that was still just as it had been before the Pilgrims landed. He dug up hundreds of stones and built a fence; cut down trees to create a clearing; built a house and a small barn; cleared land for pasture, dug a well and over several years just generally worked his fingers to the bone in creating a small, neat, productive farm.
Eventually his pastor came out for a visit and marveled rather fulsomely, and at great length, at all that "you and God have done together."
"Eh," the farmer said dubiously. "Ya shoulda seen the place when God ran it on his own."
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls."
The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."
Saturday, December 29, 2007
When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."
Friday, December 28, 2007
An English teacher at Michigan State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors on her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.
A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"
"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.
After a slight pause the student tried again ... "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter? ... ???"
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Linda and Jill are having coffee when Linda notices that Jill seems troubled and asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."
"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," Jill explained.
"Oh, that's too bad," Linda sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am," Jill said. "He'll miss me."
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Questions posed to the National Park Service...
*Everglades National Park:*
*Mesa Verde National Park:*
*Carlsbad Caverns National
*Yosemite National Park:*
*Denali National Park:*
*Yellowstone National Park:*
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
When my husband, Mark, took his beat-up pickup truck to our insurance agent for a pre-insurance inspection, the teen-age receptionist was sent to look over the truck. Armed with a checklist and a few simple questions, she breezed through the chore.
When she asked, "What are the age and make of the vehicle?" Mark replied, "It's a '65 Ford." Apologetic about its desperate condition, he added, "It's an old fossil."
Inside, the office assistant entered the data into her computer and frowned.
"Is there a problem?" asked Mark.
"Mr. Evans, I've been in insurance a while," she explained, "but I've never heard of a Ford Fossil."
Monday, December 24, 2007
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The National Anthem."
Sunday, December 23, 2007
After trying a new shampoo for the first time. A guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer. Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.
"Well, what do you think" his wife asked smiling.
"Next time," he replied. "I'm writing to General Motors!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Although this married
couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was
behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might
happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife,
"Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You
must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."
Friday, December 21, 2007
The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.
"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.
"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed.
"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."
Thursday, December 20, 2007
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
For the first few months of her co-op job for the state of New York, my sister had nothing to do, so she surfed the Web or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom to a co-worker.
"I know," she complained. "Everyone thinks state workers have it easy. But there's only so much you can pretend you're doing."
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.
Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.
Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
YOU KNOW WHO
Monday, December 17, 2007
My phone bill was past due and I needed to change my service, so I had to visit the local telephone office. The line wasn't clearly formed, and there was an old man with a cane nearby me. It was unclear as to who was next. When we got to the front of the line, the man gestured to me and said, "After you."
I smiled at him and said, "No, please, after you. I have all day."
The he said, "No. You go ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months."
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Once upon a time there was a king named James who reigned over a small country. He was a good and wise king, but he had one very bad habit: King James just loved animals -- all kinds of animals -- and he kept bringing them in the castle with him.
King James had deer and water buffalo and foxes – all sorts of game in every room of the castle. The people of the kingdom finally got fed up with King James and this overcrowded and stinky situation, and they decided that King James must be dethroned and all of the game returned to their natural habitat.
It was the first time in history that the reign was called on account of the game.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
A man went to his lawyer and stated, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."
The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."
The man looked somewhat upset as he said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children, too!"
Friday, December 14, 2007
A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.
Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office. "What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"
"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Little Johnny was thrilled when his turn came to enter kindergarten. To make sure he had plenty of time to eat breakfast and get ready on the first day, his mother woke everybody up early -- so early that it was still dark.
After looking outside Little Johnny went down the hall and found his mother dressing in the bedroom. He looked so troubled that his mother asked, "What's wrong?" mustering as much cheerfulness into her voice as she could at that hour. "This is your big day!"
Little Johnny blurted, "You didn't tell me I was going to night school."
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Kyle and Justin were about to eat with the baby sitter when 6-year-old Kyle said, "You can't sit in Daddy's seat!"
Daddy's not home," the baby sitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss."
Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the boss, you sit over there in Mommy's chair!"
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school. "There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.
"But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer.
"Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?"
Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."
Monday, December 10, 2007
While working in a hospital emergency room, an x-ray tech took X rays of a trauma patients and brought the films to the radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.
"What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.
"He fell out of a tree," the Tech reported.
The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.
"I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Franklin Tree Experts."
Gazing intently at the X rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'experts.'"
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto arrived in Florida. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver "Say, is this really a healthful place?"
"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist , "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
Saturday, December 8, 2007
An older couple regularly attended church. The pastor was much impressed by how harmonious and how in love they seemed. They always held hands all through the service.
One day after church, the pastor couldn't resist going up to them to express his admiration. He said, "I find it so inspirational to see how deeply in love you are, even, after all these years, holding hands like that."
The wife looked up sharply and said, "It's not love, Pastor, I'm just keeping him from cracking his knuckles."
Friday, December 7, 2007
A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."
"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."
The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."
Thursday, December 6, 2007
A woman is worried about an older woman, a widow, who lives in the apartment next door. She hasn't heard anything from her for a few days. So she tells her son, "I want you to go next door and see how Old Mrs. Johnson is."
A few minutes later, the boy returns.
"Well, is she all right?" the mother asks.
"She's fine, but she's annoyed with you," he says.
"At me? Whatever for?"
"Well," says her son, "Mrs. Johnson told me it's none of your business how old she is."
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."
Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.
"I just saw my wife."
"She was riding a skateboard."
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
A Swiss man, looking for
directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.
Monday, December 3, 2007
A girl says to the salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker."
He says, "Well, that depends. Are you going sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"
Sunday, December 2, 2007
A woman came into our bank to get a check cashed, but she didn't have an account with us. When I asked her for some identification, she showed me several charge cards, her social security card and a library card. I told her we needed a driver's license, but she didn't have one. "Don't you have something with your picture on it?" I asked.
"Oh, sure," she said as she flipped to a family photo in her wallet. "That's me in the back row."
Saturday, December 1, 2007
A out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.
Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."
"You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried waiter.
"I can only serve one table at a time."