Professional Advice

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great- grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

Can't Do That

Wasn't Easy

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.  "How romantic!" she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served.  She tip-toed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess.  Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.

"Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long -- I had to refill the pepper shaker."

"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"

"More'n an hour, I reckon.  Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."

Reincarnation

In the faculty lounge of an excellent elementary school, some teachers were talking about reincarnation.  One teacher remarked "If there's anything to the idea of reincarnation, I know what I'd like to come back as."

"Oh, tell us what," said a couple of colleagues.

"I'd like to come back," said the teacher, "as a childhood disease."

Hi Honey

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye...I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.

So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

 "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive.  It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

 "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"

 "Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

Pretty Clear

"So," the woman asked the detective she had hired, "did you trail my husband?"

"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out of the way restaurant and then to an apartment."

A big smile crossed the woman's face, "Aha!! Then I've got him!" she said, gloating." Is there any doubt what he was doing?"

"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, " It's pretty clear that he was following you!"

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

Can You Imagine

Patient: Doctor, I have a pretty bad sore throat.

Doctor: Go in the next room and disrobe, please.

Patient: But doctor, it's just my throat!

Doctor: Who's the doctor here? Please just go into the next  room and disrobe.

So the man goes into the next room where he sees another man sitting down in his shorts with a box in his lap. As the first man is getting undressed he starts up a conversation, "Can you imagine that doctor? I've got a sore throat and he tells me to undress!"

The second man answers, "What are you complaining about? I only came in here to deliver a package."

Some Clown

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody- or-other had printed it.

"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther."

Train Your Dog

A man answered his doorbell and greeted a friend who walked in followed by a very large dog. The dog immediately jumped up on the sofa with his muddy feet and proceeded to knock over a lamp and chew on the cushions.

The outraged householder began to scold his friend, "Don't you think you should train your dog a little better?"

"My dog?" exclaimed the friend, "I thought it was your dog!"

There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, "Tick - Tock" over and over.

After about three hours, the first pilot cracked and started telling all he knew, signing everything they put in front of him.

An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn't even do.

The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying, "Tick...Tick...Tick..."

The German officer in charge went up to him and said, "You thinks you iss so schmart! But I'm telling you dot vee haf vays to make you TOCK!"

It Figures

My wife called me at work to say I received a call from "Josh" at the bank regarding my account. So, I called the bank and the operator asked me what Josh's last name was. I explained that he hadn't left his last name.

When she asked for his department, I said that I didn't know.

"There are 1500 employees in this building, sir," she told me rather sharply.

So I asked her for her name.

"Danielle," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give last names."

Gone Fishin

"So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over coffee. "I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."

"Oh, everything went wrong," the second woman answered.

"First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.

"All that might have been all right; but to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"

Odds Are

During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., my squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through, we realized we'd lost our map. The patrol navigator informed us, "Our odds are 1 in 360 that we'll get out of here."

"How did you come up with that?" someone asked.

"Well," he replied, "one of the degrees on the compass has to be right."

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Busch Gardens on vacation and decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster...

As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.

By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times!"

He Whispered

A young boy answered the phone in a whisper "Hello?"

The man at the other end asked to speak to his father. The boy replied in a whisper "He can't come to the phone."

The man then asked to speak to his mother. He again whispered "She's busy. She can't come to the phone either."

The man became confused and asked if anyone else was at the house with the boy. "Yes," he whispered. "The police and the firemen are here too." When the man asked to speak to one of them, hoping to finally get an adult on the phone to find out what was going on, the boy again whispered "They're busy too. They can't come to the phone either."

Finally the man asked the boy what his father, his mother, the police and the fire department were so busy doing that they could not come to the phone.

The boy whispered "They're looking for me."

Can't Take It With You

There once was a rich man who was near death.  He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven.  So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. 

An angel hears his plea and appears to him.  "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."  The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.

Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.  St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.  Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right.  You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me do it for twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

Once again, God agreed.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house  and bark at everybody!

Making Babies

Eight-year-old Susie came home from school and informed her mother that today in class they had learned how to make babies. The mother, rather shaken by the development, called the teacher to complain.

After listening to the mother complain for a few minutes, the teacher responded, "Did you ask her to explain how it is done?"

"No," said the mother.

"Then ask her and call me back," replied the teacher.

"So HOW DO you make babies?" the mother asked her daughter.

Susie responded, "You drop the 'y' and add 'ies.'"

Wake Up Call

One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call.

The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.  "Good morning," a young man said sheepishly.  "This is your wake-up call."

Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it.  "You were supposed to call me at 6!: I complained.  "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"

"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn't be staying in this motel!"

Prison Riot

The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said,  "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?"

One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful."

"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" The warden asked.

Replied the spokesman, "FrenchToast..."

I Figured

Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.

The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car.   Finally, he asked. "Those your kids?"

"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.

"They adopted?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"I thought so," he concluded.  "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."

Senior Firefighters

One night in the small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. 

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.' 

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them. 

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65. 

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jump ed off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes. 

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The on air reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?' 

'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat damna truck!!'

Our five-year-old son went to a church conference with my wife and me. He got restless, so my wife handed him a pad and pencil and suggested he mark down every time the speaker said the word "and." 

After a while, he grew bored, and I asked, "Would you like to listen for a different word?"

"Yes," he whispered.  "I'd like to listen for 'Amen'."

Making the Rounds

A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, "Hey, where have you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds on the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff.

How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff - church, church, church."

Dead or Alive

The company psychiatrist was interviewing the young blonde.  As she sat in the chair, the psychiatrist asked a series of questions to determine if she was emotionally suitable for the company.  Things were not not going well for the young blonde.

The psychiatrist decided to try a new approach, to give the blonde one last chance.  He asked, "if you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"