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chuckle

December, 2010

Measure of Intelligence
PG-13

A young boy had been taken for his first visit to a nudist camp by his parents. He was surprised at the different sizes of the male organs and mentioned it to his father. The father, being rather well endowed, explained that it was a measure of intelligence, the big ones being smart and the small ones being dumb.

That afternoon the father was looking for his wife and asked his son if he had seen his mother.

"I saw her about ten minutes ago, She was with a real dumb man, but he seemed to be getting smarter every minute."

When Opportunity Knocks

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

Redhead

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "That's strange," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, then pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor then asks, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

Early Bird

Two old friends met one day after many years.  One attended college, and now was very successful.  The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil.  So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush.

Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold.  So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced.  Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.

He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

Early Bird

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

Amazing

 One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.

The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, "Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?"

The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

New Perspective

 A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective  on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men  from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so  excited he just had to tell his parents:

"I learned in Sunday School  today all about the very first Christmas! There wasn't a Santa Claus  way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver  all the toys!" And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose  so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in  the sky to find their way around."

Christmas Prayer

 Two little boys were staying with their grandparents. While kneeling  to say their bedtime prayers the smallest boy began yelling his prayer  at the top of his lungs:

 "DEAR GOD, FOR CHRISTMAS I WOULD LIKE A PLAYSTATION, A MOTOR BIKE,  SCOOTER, NEW VIDEO GAMES..."

 His brother asked him, "Why are you yelling? God can hear you; He  is not deaf."

 The younger brother replied, "I know God is not deaf, but grandma is..."

Updated Nativity

A group of first graders got together and decided to write their own version of the Nativity. It was more modern than the traditional drama. Oh, there were the familiar members of the cast: Joseph, the shepherds, the three wise men, the star, and an angel propped up in the background.

But Mary was nowhere to be seen.

Suddenly behind the bales of hay could be heard some loud moans and groans. Evidently Mary was in labor.

Soon the doctor arrived dressed in a white coat with a stethoscope around his neck. Joseph, with a look of relief on his face takes the doctor straight to Mary, then starts pacing back and forth. After a few moments the "doctor" emerges with a big smile on his face.

"Congratulations, Joseph," he says, "It's a God!"

The Raise

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

Don't Despair

Sitting by the window in her convent,

 Sister Anne opened a letter from home and found a $10 bill inside.

 As she read the letter, she caught sight of a shabbily  dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below.

 Quickly she wrote, "Don't despair, Sister Anne" on a piece of paper,  wrapped the $10 in it and dropped it out the window.

 The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled expression  and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day  Sister Anne was told that a man was at the door,  insisting on seeing her.

 She went down and found the stranger waiting.

 Without a word, he handed her a roll of bills.

 "What's this?" she asked. "That's the 60 bucks you  have coming.

 Don't Despair paid five to one."

Clearer

A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30mph for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.

Age

The census taker knocked on Donna's door.  She answered all his questions except one.  She refused to tell him her age.

"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.

"Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked.

"Certainly," he replied "Well, I'm the same age as they are," she snapped.

"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.

Time Off

Two men working in a factory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said one.

"How are you going to do that?"

"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, the man replied. "I'm a light-bulb."

"I think you need some time off," the foreman said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.

"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.

"I can't work in the dark," he said.

Nothing Can Go Wrong

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.

The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman," a voice intoned as the airplane lifted off. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong....{click}....nothing can go wrong...{click}...nothing can go wrong...{click}..."

Taking It With You

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

Pastors

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a long hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.

Later, the wife's roommate commented, "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."

Yes and No

One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

Hymns for Speeding

If you MUST speed on the highway, sing these hymns loudly:

 at 45 mph.... "God Will Take Care of Me"

 at 55 mph.... "Guide me, O Great Jehovah"

 at 65 mph.... "Nearer My God to Thee"

 at 75 mph.... "Nearer Still Nearer"

 at 85 mph.... "This World is Not My Home"

 at 95 mph.... "Lord, I'm Coming Home"

 at 100 mph.... "Precious Memories"

New Tie

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.  Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.

The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants.  The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.

Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests.  "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"

Job Exam

Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant."

"How did you answer that last one?" asked Robert. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of Superintendent."

"I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."

A Classic

A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl.

Your brother came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew. "

A Valiant Effort

A man said to his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

 She  replied, "I'd love to be Ten again."

 On the morning of her birthday, he gets her up bright and early and off they go to a theme Park. Every ride in the Park, he puts her on it. The Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, The Wall of Fear, everything there is she has a ride. She staggers out of the theme park five hours later, her head is reeling and her stomach is turned upside down.

 He then takes her to Mc Donald's, where she's given a Double Big Mac with extra fries. Then off to cinema to see 'Star Wars', and they have more burgers popcorn, Cola and sweets. At last she staggers home with her husband and collapses in to bed.

Her husband leans over and says, "Well dear what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, I meant dress size!"

Deer Season

While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that he never asked her to go along. After several hours of argument the wife won.

That next morning they drove out to the country, and he placed his wife in a tree about 100 yards from his blind.  Just as the hunter reached the blind, he heard  a loud bang coming from the wife's position.

As he ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her gun on a man nearby and shouting,  "It's my deer!

Get away from It!! The sheepish-looking stranger just nodded slowly and said,  "OK, lady.. It's your deer. Just let me get my saddle off of it!"

The Best Thing

Three old men were sitting around and talking.

The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am."

The Nervous Pilot

 A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a  great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to  fly him over the fire.

 The photographer arrived at the airstrip an hour before sundown. Sure enough,  a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and  shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the  plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

 "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, and make several  low-level passes."

 "Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

 "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a  photographer, and photographers take pictures."

 After a long pause the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"

Worms

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the teacher putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Hero

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Totally Miserable

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too.

"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry," she told him.

"Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"

Making An Honest Man

Randolph was arrested for speeding, reckless driving, driving without lights and violation of traffic signals.  He demanded a trial by jury.

"But you can't win that case in court," a friend advised him.

 "I know," said Randolph.  "I did it on purpose.  My nephew just graduated from law school and this is his first case.  I want him to lose so maybe he'll get discouraged and get an honest job."

Think Carefully

Richard had proposed to young Nancy and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.

"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?", the older man asked the suitor.

"Yes, sir", replied Richard, "I'm sure I am."

"Think carefully now," said Nancy's father warningly. "There are twelve of us!"