This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him what it looks like.
"A naked woman." He shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question.
"A naked woman on a bed."
"You're a sick pervert!" the psychiatrist exclaims.
"I'm not the pervert. You keep showing me all these filthy pictures!"
A man decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking photographs, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign, which reads "$10,000 a minute."
Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta, and on around the United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign reads "Calls 25 cents."
Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course, it's a local call from here."
Suzanne went over to visit one of her friends.
While she was at her friend's house a severe thunderstorm rolled in. Her friend told her to spend the night at her house and go home the next day.
When she heard this, Suzanne rushed out the door then came back a while later totally drenched and carrying a small shopping bag.
So her friend asked, "Where did you run off to?"
Suzanne brushed the wet hair from her face and replied, "I went home to get my pajamas!"
One night, Larry was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him.
Larry and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Larry put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.
The thief then went through Larry's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on him was 25 cents.
The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Larry why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents.
"Was that all you wanted?" Larry replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient woke up, sat up and demanded to know what was going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon replied.
The patient grabbed his hand and said, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."
The doctor handed him the needle and said, "Suture self."
The town founder had passed away and the whole town turned out, as did his family who arrived from all over the globe. This threw the mortuary into an uproar. They had some employees doing two or three jobs and others switching jobs to get everything done.
After the chapel services, all the members of the funeral party piled into the different cars for the drive to the cemetery. The procession was very long, and one group of family members, not knowing their way, decided to ask the driver how much further it would be. The patriarch tapped the driver on the shoulder, and said, "Pardon me....."
The driver let out a scream and turned with a grimace of horror to see who had tapped him. In doing so, he drove the car into the ditch and through a farmer's fence, almost overturning it.
After calming everyone down, the driver somberly explained, "I'm so sorry for what happened, but you see, I'm usually drive the hearse."
Two little boys were staying with their grandparents. While kneeling to say their bedtime prayers the smallest boy began yelling his prayer at the top of his lungs:
"DEAR GOD, FOR CHRISTMAS I WOULD LIKE A PLAYSTATION, A MOTOR BIKE, SCOOTER, NEW VIDEO GAMES..."
His brother asked him, "Why are you yelling? God can hear you; He is not deaf."
The younger brother replied, "I know God is not deaf, but grandma is..."
Two senior couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, like visualization, association, and so on. It was great. I haven't had a problem since."
"Sounds like something I could use. What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He turned to his wife, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.
"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."
Scott and Glenn sat talking, their conversation drifted from music to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," Scott said, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked Glenn.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way: Take a clean dish..."
A priest and pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road pounding a sign into the ground that reads:
"The End Is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled a driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor, "You're still getting the same service."
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.
"No," another contended, "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the third insisted," The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, " he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest.
First mother says, “My son is a monsignor, and when he walks in the room, people greet him, ‘Good morning, monsignor.’”
Second mother says, “Well, my son is a Bishop, and people greet him, ‘Good morning, your Grace.’”
Third mother says, “Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people greet him, ‘Good morning, your Eminence.’”
The fourth mother pauses, and finally says, “My son is six feet, ten inches tall and is 300 pounds of pure muscle. When he walks in the room, people greet him, ‘Oh, My God!’”
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest,
“Where are you going, Father?”
“I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!” replied the priest.
“No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.”
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”.
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”
“That's okay,” replied the priest. “I got him with the door!”
A German woman is walking down the street. Eleven blonde guys walk up and attack her.
She screams, ''Nein! Nein!'' So two guys walk away.
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door, as he always is, to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
My friend replied, “I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
Pastor questioned, “How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I'm in the secret service.”
Some kids were in the habit of teasing Timmy by repeatedly offering him a choice between a nickel and a dime.
He always chose the nickel, "because it's bigger."
One day, a friend took him aside and asked, "Don't you know that a dime's worth more than a nickel?"
Timmy answered, "Yeah, but if I picked the dime they'd stop doing it!"
December 12, 2011
December 12, 2011
Brian was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old daughter ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the girl asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," Brian replied.
She thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
December 11, 2011
Linda was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 year old son. She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her.
After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit. Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind.
Linda looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. She waited for the officer to come up to her car. As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"
Her son piped up from the back seat, "I do... because you couldn't catch the other cars!"
December 10, 2011
A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, “Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread....’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’ we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church.”
The Pope responds saying, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”
“Well,” says the Tyson man, “we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread....’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’”
Again, the Pope replies, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”
Finally, the Tyson guy says, “This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread...’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’” and he leaves.
The next day, the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and bad news. “The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion.” “The bad news is that we are losing the Wonder Bread Account.”
December 9, 2011
Arthur just received his brand new drivers license. The family went out to the driveway, then climbed into the car, where Arthur was going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," dad replied, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
December 8, 2011
Ron just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when he cut off a truck driver. The trucker motioned for Ron to pull over.
When he did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told Ron to stand in the circle and not move.
He then went to Ron's new car and cut up the leather seats.
When the truck driver turned around Ron had a slight grin on his face.
"Oh, you think that's funny?" the trucker asked, "Watch this." He got a baseball bat out of his truck and broke every window in the car. When he turned and looked Ron had a smile on his face. This drove the driver into a rage.
He got his knife back out and sliced all the tires. Now Ron was laughing. The truck driver really started to lose it. He went back to his truck and got a can of gas, poured it on the sports car and set it on fire. He turned around and Ron was laughing so hard he almost fell down.
"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked him.
Ron replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."
December 7, 2011
Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
December 6, 2011
A boss needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster. The boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the one the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me."
December 5, 2011
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
December 4, 2011
Andrew and Morgan were playing together when the little girl asked, "Hey, wanna play house?"
"Sure!" Andrew replied, "What do you want me to do?"
Morgan answered, "I want you to communicate."
Andrew said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."
The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
December 3, 2011
The power mower was broken and wouldn't run, so Sue kept hinting to Mick, her husband, that he needed to get it fixed. However, for some reason the message wasn't sinking in.
She finally thought of a clever way to make the point. When Mick arrived home that day, he found her seated in the tall grass busily clipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house. Sue thought she had again failed to get his attention. He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed her a toothbrush saying, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks."
December 2, 2011
Billy wanted to go to the zoo, so he pestered his parents for days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Billy replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Billy excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"
December 1, 2011
Once upon a time there was a giant flood that ravaged a small town. Everyone evacuated except one lady who stayed on her roof.
As the police came by telling everyone to abandon their houses she said, "No, whatever happens I know God will look after me."
The flood grew stronger and after a while a boat came by and a man screamed "Get in the boat, I'll rescue you!"
The lady yelled back, "No thanks, God will take care of me, whatever happens!"
A few hours later a helicopter hovered above her house and dropped a rope ladder and they yelled "C'mon lady, get on the ladder!"
With her house almost entirely under water she screamed back, "No, I'm staying here, God will take care of me, whatever happens!"
And so the helicopter left.
A few hours later the lady drowned. At heavens gate she asked God, "I don't understand, I prayed and prayed for you to take care of me, what happened?"
God replied, "I sent a police man, a boat, and a
helicopter, what more could I do?!"