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December 1 - 31, 1998

Thursday, December 31, 1998

A Little Traveling Music

A New Years Eve 3 Fer

A woman called the reservations line to find out if there would be turbulence on the flight she was taking in a few weeks.


While awaiting the arrival of our "puddle jumper" airplane for the return flight across Jamaica to the major airport, I sat wringing my hands and trying to quiet the butterflies in my stomach in anticipation of the tiny airplane and a very bumpy flight.
Suddenly, an old fire truck began speeding down the runway, toward the arriving airplane, with sirens blaring. Frantic now, I implored the ticket agent to tell me what was happening. She calmly answered, "Oh they just do that to clear the landing strip of chickens!"


A Travel Classic

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be first class."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and said "F%*# You."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United Airlines.

Wednesday, December 30, 1998

One Liners

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Tuesday, December 29, 1998

Diagnosis

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Monday, December 28, 1998

The 3" Man

A man walks into a bar and asks for 2 shots for him and his buddy.
Bartender says, "Sure do you want them both now, or do you want me to wait til your buddy gets here first?"
The guy says, "Oh i want them both now, Ive got my best buddy in my pocket right here." He then pulls out a 3 inch man and puts him on the table.
The bartender was astonished. "Do you mean to say he can drink a whole drink?"
"Sure, he can drink it all. Pour it on."
Sure enough, the bartender watches in amazement as the little guy drinks down two full shots.
"That's amazing. Can he walk?"
The guy flicks a coin and says, "Hey, Rodney, go get the coin, ok?" and Rodney runs off after it.
"Unreal. Can he do anything else? Can he talk?"
"Of course he can. Hey Rodney -- tell the bartender about the time you called that witch doctor a 'jerk'."

Submarine Duty

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.  He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple.  Add the number of times we dive to the  number of times we surface.  Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

Sunday, December 27, 1998

Holiday Shopping

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten on Christmas"

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like poo."

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

Saturday, December 26, 1998

Tips from Employees to their Managers

Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4pm and then bring it in to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

If it's a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how I am doing. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.

If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

Never introduce me to people you are with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any, and its nice to know someone is less fortunate.
I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goal SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Friday, December 25, 1998

T'was the night before Christmas....

T'was the night before Christmas,
I just couldn't sleep.
So I hopped out of bed
and downstairs I did creep.

I went to the kitchen
in search of a bite.
If I filled up my stomach,
perhaps I'd sleep tight.

The cupboard was empty
the fridge, it was bare.
I searched but I couldn't
find food anywhere.

I looked out the window:
Streets covered with snow;
at two in the morning--
just where could I go?

I spied my computer,
I just go boot-up that.
I'll take me online
for some Christmas Eve chat.

The modem connected
without a delay!
In the blink of an eye,
I'd be chatting away.

But-----no voice bid me "Welcome"
or said: "You've got mail."
And I thought now's a bad time
for my sound card to fail.

My buddy list opened
with not even one name.
Is everyone sleeping?
Well, I'll go play a game.

I couldn't get into
Out Of Order or Slingo.
Strike A Match wouldn't work--and
neither did Bingo!!!!!!

The chat rooms were empty!
I thought: Wow--that's just great?
AOL picked a fine time
for another update.

IM's weren't working.
My mail wouldn't send.
I felt so alone.
Couldn't find just one friend.

But wait! What's that sound?
Did I just hear a chime?
There's someone else out there.
Somebody's on-line!

In wonder---I read:
"Hey---it's 3:53.
Your friends are all sleeping;
that's where you should be".

"Turn off that 'puter.
Take your hand off that mouse.
I have a few things
to drop off at your house".

"You know I can't stop there
while you're still awake.
I have schedules to keep.
Come on----Give Me A Break!"

If you really are Santa
(that jolly, old elf)
there's only one present
I'd wish for myself.

The folks on my buddy list.
Those friends far and near.
You just gather them up
and bring them right here.

In just a few hours
I awoke with a start.
It was only a dream--I sighed
heavy of heart.

I walked down the stairs
and there 'round my tree,
were all of the people
I thought I'd never see.

We laughed and we {{{{{{{{{{hugged}}}}}}}}}}}
and we just had a ball.
Hmmmmmm--maybe that wasn't
a dream after all.

So listen up people
this secret I'll tell:
I've found the real Santa---
---he's on A O L!!!!

Thursday, December 24, 1998

A Winter Wonderland
- New Jersey Style

Driver's swear ..... are you listenin',
At the Mall .....folks are bitchin',
A miserable sight ..... they're sorry tonite,
Drivin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand!

Gone away ...... are your tires,
meter has ...... just expired,
They towed you away, while you shopped today,
Parkin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand!

On the Parkway we will have a breakdown,
We'll be stuck and threathened on the side,
If we're lucky, muggers might come mug us,
And if we plead they may give us a ride!

Santa's sleigh ..... was impounded,
All the Elves ...... were surrounded,
He's now in a cell .... for ringin' his bell,
Living in New Jersey's TrafficLand!

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
-BROOKLYN VERSION

'Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mellow,
Not a creature was stirrin',
I had a gun unda my pillow.

When up on da roof'
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my Wanderin'
eyes should appear,
But dat hairy elf Vinny,
And eight friggin' reindeer.

Wit' a bad hackin' cough,
And da stencha burped beer,
I knew in a moment
Yo, da Kringle wuz here!

Wit' a slap to dere snouts,
And a yank on dere manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Sally, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
Down came his boot
On da top a my head.

His eyes were all bloodshot,
His b.o. wuz scary,
His breath wuz like sewage,
He had a mole dat wuz hairy.

He spit in my eye,
And he twisted my head,
He soon let me know
I should consider myself dead.

Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He let out some gas,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
.....screaming,
And away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.

But I heard him exclaim,
Or better yet grump,
"Merry Christmas to all, and
Bite me, ya hump!"

Wednesday, December 23, 1998

The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".
At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is my father"? he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida".
Clever Dick laughed. "Actually", he said, "my father is dead"! It had been a trick question!!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband"?
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.
And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words: "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."

Tuesday, December 22, 1998

Creative Phone Responses

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Monday, December 21, 1998

The Way It Was

A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa. The wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"
He moved over and sat close to her.
"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He reached over and held her tight.
"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Well," answered the husband, " I have to go and get my teeth."

Take A Guess

80 year old Bessie bursts into the rec room of the men's retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

Sunday, December 20, 1998

Kids' Interpretations

The following are kids' interpretations of Christmas carol lyrics:

- Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

- We three kings of porridge and tar

- On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

- Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

- He's makin a list, chicken and rice.

- Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

- With the jelly toast proclaim

- Olive, the other reindeer.

- Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

- Sleep in heavenly peas

- In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

- You'll go down in listerine

- Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

- O come, froggy faithful

- You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"

- Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

Saturday, December 19, 1998

Kids' Instructions On Life

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
--Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
--Matthew, Age 12

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
--Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
--Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
--Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
--Rosemary, Age 7

Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower.
--Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your
parents are doing taxes. --Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom.
--Nicholas, Age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert.
--Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer
him. --Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
--Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
--Joel, Age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on
the phone. --Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat.
--Laura, Age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster.
--Scott, Age 11

Never do pranks at a police station.
--Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.
--Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your
mom told you to do. --Hank, Age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.
--Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
--Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes.
--Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
--Phillip, Age 13

Forget the cake. Go for the icing!
--Cynthia, Age 8

Friday, December 18, 1998

Little Johnny

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

More Little Johnny

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother "...please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So, Johnny's mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
"First Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."
So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
"OK, now take off my skirt..."
And he takes off her skirt.
"Now, take off my bra...
" Which he does.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties..."
Johnny finishes removing these, his mom says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more! What were you thinking?

Thursday, December 17, 1998

Entering A Room

Little Johnny was late for class, and when he saw that the door was already closed, he opened it and went into the classroom tentatively.  He very quietly shut the door and tiptoed to his seat hoping not to get the teacher after him.

This upset the teacher, who said him, "Johnny, is this how your father would have come in - late and sneaking to his seat? Go out and try it again, and get it right this time!"

So, Little Johnny left the room and shut the door behind him quietly, as he'd come in. Then a moment later, he flung open the door with a clatter and stomped back into the room with a lit cigarette dangling from his lips. He slammed the door behind him, put his cigarette out on the carpet with his foot and said, "So Honey, didn't expect ME, did ya?"

Wednesday, December 16, 1998

Blowing in the Wind

There's a little old lady on the corner, she had both hands holdin' her hat on while the wind blew her skirt up around her face.
A dignified Southern Gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting you skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."
She said, "Look, everything down there is eighty years old, this hat is brand new!"

Losing Her Mind

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

Tuesday, December 15, 1998

Workplace Stuff

Not that Santa Clauses have it easy. The Santa Clause at Macy's has water on the knee - at least a dozen times a day.

"This little computer will do half your work for you" said the sales clerk.
The VP studied the computer for a moment then said, "Fine, I'll take two."

Then there were the workers at the mint who went on strike to make less money.

Monday, December 14, 1998

Hanukah Presents

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't, like the other one?"

Hanukah at the Deli

During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish - the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe
A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.
The Jewish men were dumbfounded. Where did this man ever learn such perfect Yiddish they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish??"
The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said... "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

Sunday, December 13, 1998

The Christmas Angel

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!
I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........

Saturday, December 12, 1998

Wet Pants

A man sitting in the bar found that the front of his trousers was all wet.
Turning to the man on his right he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?"
"Nope," came the reply.
Then, turning to the man on his left, he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?"
The man also replied, "Nope."
"Oops, it must have been an inside job."

Friday, December 11, 1998

Busted

Then there was the mother who caught her daughter getting high, and tearing a marijuana cigarette from her mouth said, "What's a joint like this doing in a nice girl like you?"

Confession

Old Mr. Saperstein, the butcher, went to confession and said "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night a beautiful young woman came into my shop and I......... I couldn't control myself.  I seduced her and we made love for three hours."
The Priest said, "I recognize your voice, you're Saperstien and your Jewish. Why are you telling this to me?"
"To you?" shouts Saperstein, "I'm telling everyone!"

Thursday, December 10, 1998

Fetch A Pail of Water

One day Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

Wednesday, December 9, 1998

Coincidence

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them Reading, Writing, Math, and Science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.
The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

Tuesday, December 8, 1998

Tech Support Fun

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

~~~~~~~~~~

Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

~~~~~~~~~~

Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

~~~~~~~~~~

Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

~~~~~~~~~~

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

~~~~~~~~~~

Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work."
It turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

Monday, December 7, 1998

Joe's Barber Shop

A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.
"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," the man replies.
"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"
The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."
"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"
The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."
"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"
A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"
"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"
"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."
"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"
"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"
"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"
"Oh, not much really. Just "Where'd you get that awful haircut?"

Sunday, December 6, 1998

Twins

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they're twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Saturday, December 5, 1998

LINGUISTICS

Dyslexics have more fnu.

Clones are people two.

Entropy is not what it used to be.

IF U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Eschew obfuscation.

Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!

186,000 miles/sec: not just a good idea, it's the LAW.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!

COLE'S LAW: thinly sliced cabbage.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Editing is a rewording activity.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.

My reality check just bounced.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

Friday, December 4, 1998

Bugged

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says "I'll look for a bug". He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"

Be Kind To The Doggie

Little Johnnie was rough housing with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Johnnie, I know you love Wilbur, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"

Little Johnnie thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Agnes was here!"

Thursday, December 3, 1998

Missionary

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike".

Wednesday, December 2, 1998

Ain't it The Truth?

More than with any other product on the market today, people are willing to shell out thousands of dollars to buy something of which they have no real conception -- a computer.

    All Bull......

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't giving' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him, run him off or kill him, but I'm KEEPING' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

Tuesday, December 1, 1998

Brenda O'Malley

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."