December 1 - 31,
Thursday, December 31, 1998
Little Traveling Music
A New Years Eve 3
A woman called the reservations line to
find out if there would be turbulence on the flight she was taking in a few
While awaiting the arrival of our "puddle jumper" airplane for
the return flight across Jamaica to the major airport, I sat wringing my hands
and trying to quiet the butterflies in my stomach in anticipation of the tiny
airplane and a very bumpy flight.
Suddenly, an old fire truck began speeding
down the runway, toward the arriving airplane, with sirens blaring. Frantic now,
I implored the ticket agent to tell me what was happening. She calmly answered,
"Oh they just do that to clear the landing strip of chickens!"
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a
crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the
desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this
flight and it has to be first class."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir.
I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and
I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any
idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her
public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her
voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate
WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please
come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and said "F%*#
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll
have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the
terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were
late, they were no longer angry at United Airlines.
Wednesday, December 30, 1998
If a mute swears, does his mother
wash his hands with soap?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he
has the right to remain silent?
Should vegetarians eat animal
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Why is bra
singular and panties plural?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why doesn't glue
stick to the inside of the bottle?
Tuesday, December 29, 1998
The man told his doctor that he wasn't
able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the
examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain
English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied,
"you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I
can tell my wife."
Monday, December 28, 1998
A man walks into a bar and asks for 2
shots for him and his buddy.
Bartender says, "Sure do you want them both
now, or do you want me to wait til your buddy gets here first?"
says, "Oh i want them both now, Ive got my best buddy in my pocket right here."
He then pulls out a 3 inch man and puts him on the table.
The bartender was
astonished. "Do you mean to say he can drink a whole drink?"
"Sure, he can
drink it all. Pour it on."
Sure enough, the bartender watches in amazement as
the little guy drinks down two full shots.
"That's amazing. Can he
The guy flicks a coin and says, "Hey, Rodney, go get the coin, ok?"
and Rodney runs off after it.
"Unreal. Can he do anything else? Can he
"Of course he can. Hey Rodney -- tell the bartender about the time you
called that witch doctor a 'jerk'."
The new Ensign was assigned to subs,
where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress
the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.
Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add
the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface.
Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the
Sunday, December 27, 1998
A little old lady went to the grocery
store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the
check out counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for
my little kitten on Christmas"
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm
sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot
of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are
buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her
cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog
cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof
that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.
Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given
the dog cookies.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the
lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The
cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured
her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put
her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That
smells like poo."
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my
dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
Saturday, December 26, 1998
Tips from Employees to their
Never give me work in the morning.
Always wait until 4pm and then bring it in to me. The challenge of a deadline is
If it's a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes
to inquire how I am doing. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising
me at every keystroke.
Always leave without telling anyone where you are
going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open
the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening
doors with no arms is good training.
If you give me more than one job to
do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
Do your best to
keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to
do. I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a
secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
If you don't like my
work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born
to be whipped.
If you have special instructions for a job, don't write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me
with useful information.
Never introduce me to people you are with. I
have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When
you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and
send you straight to manager's hell.
Tell me all your little problems. No
one else has any, and its nice to know someone is less fortunate.
especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check
you received for being such a good manager.
Wait until my
yearly review and THEN tell me what my goal SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre
performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money
Friday, December 25, 1998
T'was the night before
T'was the night before Christmas,
I just couldn't sleep.
So I hopped out of bed
and downstairs I did
I went to the kitchen
in search of a bite.
If I filled up my
perhaps I'd sleep tight.
The cupboard was empty
fridge, it was bare.
I searched but I couldn't
I looked out the window:
Streets covered with snow;
two in the morning--
just where could I go?
I spied my computer,
just go boot-up that.
I'll take me online
for some Christmas Eve
The modem connected
without a delay!
In the blink of an
I'd be chatting away.
But-----no voice bid me "Welcome"
said: "You've got mail."
And I thought now's a bad time
for my sound card
My buddy list opened
with not even one name.
Well, I'll go play a game.
I couldn't get into
Order or Slingo.
Strike A Match wouldn't work--and
The chat rooms were empty!
I thought: Wow--that's just
AOL picked a fine time
for another update.
My mail wouldn't send.
I felt so alone.
Couldn't find just one
But wait! What's that sound?
Did I just hear a
There's someone else out there.
Your friends are all
that's where you should be".
"Turn off that 'puter.
your hand off that mouse.
I have a few things
to drop off at your
"You know I can't stop there
while you're still awake.
have schedules to keep.
Come on----Give Me A Break!"
If you really are
(that jolly, old elf)
there's only one present
I'd wish for
The folks on my buddy list.
Those friends far and near.
just gather them up
and bring them right here.
In just a few
I awoke with a start.
It was only a dream--I sighed
I walked down the stairs
and there 'round my tree,
of the people
I thought I'd never see.
We laughed and we
and we just had a ball.
a dream after all.
So listen up people
this secret I'll
I've found the real Santa---
---he's on A O L!!!!
Thursday, December 24, 1998
A Winter Wonderland
- New Jersey
Driver's swear ..... are you
At the Mall .....folks are bitchin',
A miserable sight .....
they're sorry tonite,
Drivin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand!
...... are your tires,
meter has ...... just expired,
They towed you away,
while you shopped today,
Parkin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand!
Parkway we will have a breakdown,
We'll be stuck and threathened on the
If we're lucky, muggers might come mug us,
And if we plead they may
give us a ride!
Santa's sleigh ..... was impounded,
All the Elves
...... were surrounded,
He's now in a cell .... for ringin' his
Living in New Jersey's TrafficLand!
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before
Da whole house was mellow,
Not a creature was stirrin',
had a gun unda my pillow.
When up on da roof'
I heard somethin'
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
what to my Wanderin'
eyes should appear,
But dat hairy elf Vinny,
eight friggin' reindeer.
Wit' a bad hackin' cough,
And da stencha
I knew in a moment
Yo, da Kringle wuz here!
slap to dere snouts,
And a yank on dere manes,
He cursed and he
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my
And hid by da bed,
Down came his boot
On da top a my
His eyes were all bloodshot,
His b.o. wuz scary,
wuz like sewage,
He had a mole dat wuz hairy.
He spit in my
And he twisted my head,
He soon let me know
I should consider
Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
out some gas,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his
And away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a
But I heard him exclaim,
Or better yet grump,
Christmas to all, and
Bite me, ya hump!"
Wednesday, December 23, 1998
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end
of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided
tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared
"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent
answer to any question you may care to ask it".
At which a Clever Dick
stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's
microphone. "Where is my father"? he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels
and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people,
and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words "Fishing off
Clever Dick laughed. "Actually", he said, "my father is dead"! It
had been a trick question!!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to
think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was
unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase
his question and try again?
Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate
Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband"?
Again there was
a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.
And again a little card popped
out. Printed on it were the words: "Dead. But your father is still fishing off
Tuesday, December 22, 1998
Creative Phone Responses
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are
co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple
personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are
and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are
delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which
number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
number you press-no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash
key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and
state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number
and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder,
slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a
message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self
esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to
Monday, December 21, 1998
The Way It
A couple who'd been married for over 50
years was sitting on the sofa. The wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you
used to sit close to me?"
He moved over and sat close to her.
continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He reached over and
held her tight.
"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me
and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"
With that, her husband got up and started
to walk out of the room.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
answered the husband, " I have to go and get my teeth."
80 year old Bessie bursts into the rec
room of the men's retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and
announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close
Sunday, December 20, 1998
The following are kids' interpretations
of Christmas carol lyrics:
- Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
three kings of porridge and tar
- On the first day of Christmas my tulip
gave to me
- Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He's makin a list, chicken and rice.
- Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of
- With the jelly toast proclaim
- Olive, the other
- Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
- Sleep in
- In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that
he is sparse and brown
- You'll go down in listerine
- Oh, what
fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
- O come, froggy
- You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
tidings we bring to you and your kid
Saturday, December 19, 1998
Kids' Instructions On Life
Never trust a dog to watch your
--Patrick, Age 10
When you want something expensive, ask your
--Matthew, Age 12
Never smart off to a teacher whose
eyes and ears are twitching.
--Andrew, Age 9
Wear a hat when feeding
--Rocky, Age 9
Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in
--Stephanie, Age 8
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli
in a glass of milk.
--Rosemary, Age 7
Don't flush the toilet when you
dad's in the shower.
--Lamar, Age 10
Never ask for anything that costs
more than five dollars when your
parents are doing taxes. --Carrol, Age
Never bug a pregnant mom.
--Nicholas, Age 11
Don't ever be
too full for dessert.
--Kelly, Age 10
When your dad is mad and asks
you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer
him. --Heather, Age 16
tell your mom her diet's not working.
--Michael, Age 14
Don't pick on
your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
--Joel, Age 12
get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on
--Alyesha, Age 13
Never try to baptize a cat.
Never spit when on a roller coaster.
--Scott, Age 11
do pranks at a police station.
--Sam, Age 10
Beware of cafeteria food
when it looks like it's moving.
--Rob, Age 10
Never tell your little
brother that you're not going to do what your
mom told you to do. --Hank, Age
Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.
Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
Stay away from prunes.
--Randy, Age 9
Never dare your
little brother to paint the family car.
--Phillip, Age 13
cake. Go for the icing!
--Cynthia, Age 8
Friday, December 18, 1998
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as
his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing
the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving
Little Johnny comes home from school
with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some
difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother
"...please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the
"First Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."
unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
"OK, now take off my skirt..."
And he takes off her skirt.
"Now, take off my bra...
" Which he
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties..."
removing these, his mom says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to
school any more! What were you thinking?
Thursday, December 17, 1998
Little Johnny was late for class, and
when he saw that the door was already closed, he opened it and went into the
classroom tentatively. He very quietly shut the door and tiptoed to his
seat hoping not to get the teacher after him.
This upset the teacher, who
said him, "Johnny, is this how your father would have come in - late and
sneaking to his seat? Go out and try it again, and get it right this
So, Little Johnny left the room and shut the door behind him
quietly, as he'd come in. Then a moment later, he flung open the door with a
clatter and stomped back into the room with a lit cigarette dangling from his
lips. He slammed the door behind him, put his cigarette out on the carpet with
his foot and said, "So Honey, didn't expect ME, did ya?"
Wednesday, December 16, 1998
Blowing in the Wind
There's a little old lady on the
corner, she had both hands holdin' her hat on while the wind blew her skirt up
around her face.
A dignified Southern Gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am,
you should be ashamed of yourself, letting you skirt blow around, being
indecent, while both hands hold your hat."
She said, "Look, everything down
there is eighty years old, this hat is brand new!"
"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning,
"I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from
the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece
of it every day for twenty years!"
Tuesday, December 15, 1998
Not that Santa Clauses have it easy.
The Santa Clause at Macy's has water on the knee - at least a dozen times a
"This little computer will do half your
work for you" said the sales clerk.
The VP studied the computer for a moment
then said, "Fine, I'll take two."
Then there were the workers at the mint
who went on strike to make less money.
Monday, December 14, 1998
My mother once gave me two sweaters for
Hanukah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her
home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't,
like the other one?"
Hanukah at the Deli
During the first day of Hanukkah, two
elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost
exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in
Yiddish - the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe
Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable
Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the
The Jewish men were dumbfounded. Where did this man ever learn such
perfect Yiddish they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the
restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such
The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else
will hear and said... "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him
Sunday, December 13, 1998
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas
Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves
were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making
the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To
make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day
and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've
got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all
of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a
I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree
and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little
Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a
Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to
Saturday, December 12, 1998
A man sitting in the bar found that the
front of his trousers was all wet.
Turning to the man on his right he asked,
"Did you pour beer on my trousers?"
"Nope," came the reply.
to the man on his left, he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?"
also replied, "Nope."
"Oops, it must have been an inside
Friday, December 11, 1998
Then there was the mother who caught
her daughter getting high, and tearing a marijuana cigarette from her mouth
said, "What's a joint like this doing in a nice girl like
Old Mr. Saperstein, the butcher, went
to confession and said "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night a
beautiful young woman came into my shop and I......... I couldn't control
myself. I seduced her and we made love for three hours."
said, "I recognize your voice, you're Saperstien and your Jewish. Why are you
telling this to me?"
"To you?" shouts Saperstein, "I'm telling
Thursday, December 10, 1998
Fetch A Pail of Water
One day Gramma sent her grandson Johnny
down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping
the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket
and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.
"Well now, where's my bucket and
where's my water?" Gramma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water
hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few
years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as
you are of him!"
"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as
I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
Wednesday, December 9, 1998
A professor is sent to darkest Africa
to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them
Reading, Writing, Math, and Science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief
gives birth to a white child.
The members of the tribe are shocked, and the
chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man
we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a
genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief.
You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the
civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep
are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more
about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white
Tuesday, December 8, 1998
A woman called the Canon help desk with
a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under
The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But
that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a
window, and his is working fine."
Tech Support: "How
much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife
likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free
space. Is that enough?"
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir,
we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me
on this diskette?"
Customer: "So that'll get me
connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Customer: "My computer
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me
play my game."
Tech Support: "Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it
It turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
[pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
Monday, December 7, 1998
A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop
for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"
proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.
"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why
would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be
crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," the man
"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are
old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you
staying in Rome?"
The man says "We'll be at the downtown International
"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The
rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So
whatcha doing when you get there?"
The man says "We're going to go see the
Vatican and hope to see the Pope."
"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a
million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good
luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"
A month later, the man comes in
for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out?
Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"
"No, quite the opposite"
explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes,
but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were
wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me
hand and foot!"
"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I
"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million
remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they
apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"
Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"
"Actually, we were
quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder
and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd
be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally
greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"
"Oh, not much really. Just "Where'd
you get that awful haircut?"
Sunday, December 6, 1998
A woman has twins, and gives them up
for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The
other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But
they're twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Saturday, December 5, 1998
Dyslexics have more fnu.
Clones are people two.
Entropy is not what it used to be.
IF U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
Microbiology Lab: Staph
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!
186,000 miles/sec: not just a good idea, it's the LAW.
is a terrible thing to mind.
Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
never die, they just smell that way!
COLE'S LAW: thinly sliced cabbage.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Editing is a rewording
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Gene Police: YOU!!
Out of the pool!
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
My reality check just
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
bunny arrested, charged with battery.
No sense being pessimistic. It
wouldn't work anyway.
Friday, December 4, 1998
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate
Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?"
The groom says "I'll look for a bug". He looks behind the drapes, behind the
pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He
gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your
room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these
The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of
the chandelier falling on them!"
Kind To The Doggie
Little Johnnie was rough housing with
his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Johnnie, I know you love Wilbur, but
you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and
squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"
Little Johnnie thought a
moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Agnes
Thursday, December 3, 1998
A missionary who had spent years
showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient
gets word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he
never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and
starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This
is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and
the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the
chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic
about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the
top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is
really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks
at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes
ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how
to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people
in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike".
Wednesday, December 2, 1998
it The Truth?
More than with any other product on the
market today, people are willing to shell out thousands of dollars to buy
something of which they have no real conception -- a
Three bulls heard via the grapevine
that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the
prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've
been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of
the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get
HIS cows, but I ain't giving' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty
much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the
50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him, run him off or kill him, but I'm
KEEPING' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far
you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of." I may not be as big as
you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in
the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest
Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took
toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
"Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing
all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on
the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him
pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me
give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure
he knows I'm a bull."
Tuesday, December 1, 1998
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'
to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But
where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There
was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda.
"Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and
gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen,
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and
Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least
"Well, no Brenda... no."
"Fact is, he got out three
times to pee."