Welcome
chuckle

December 1- 31, 1999

Friday, December 31, 1999

New Year's Eve Frustrations

Walter, the highway patrol man, was somewhat upset about working New Year's Eve. And on top of that he hadn't written nearly his quota of tickets for the month. In order to address the problem he parked where he could see the local popular bar parking lot and waited for the drunks to hit the road.
Sure enough! At about 1:30, a man stumbled out of the bar and walked over to a car and tried to fit the key in the door. The key didn't fit so he stumbled over to the next car and tried the key there. The key still didn't fit and the man fell down trying to get the key out of the door. Finally, on the fifth carthe key fit on the passenger side and the man got in, sat in the passenger seat for two or three minutes then got out and stumbled over to the driver's side got in and started the car.
The car jumped and stalled two or three times while leaving the lot but headed down the highway at the speed limit with Walter in close pursuit. At the first red light, the car again stalled when trying to leave and Walter decided he had seen enough and pulled the man over.
"What's I doosh?" the man asked.
"Get out of the car please," said Walter.
Walter asked the man to blow up a balloon. The man blew it half full, lost his grip and the balloon flew all over the place.
"OK, walk that white line," said Walter.
The man walked it perfectly.
"Recite the alphabet," said Walter, and the man said it perfectly.
"Ok, we're going to try the balloon again."
This time the balloon was blown and the breathalyzer showed zero alcohol.
"What the hell?" said Walter, "Are you the designated driver or something?"
"No," the man said, "I'm the decoy!"

Thursday, December 30, 1999

Why Oh Why??

1. Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we don't want to talk to in the first place?
2. Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of 8?
3. Do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'poli' from Latin means 'many', 'tics', meaning blood-sucking pests?
4. Do bank drive-up ATM machines have Braille lettering?
5. Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage?

Wednesday, December 29, 1999

Retrospective Mourning

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.  The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die?  Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before.   For whom do you mourn so deeply?  A child?  A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Tuesday, December 28, 1999

You know you're from Michigan if...

- You own only three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup

- You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit

- You have more miles on your snow blower than your car

- You have 10 favorite recipes for venison

- Home Depot on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas

- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard

- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow

- You think everyone from the city has an accent

- You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons

- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car

- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports

- Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof

- You think the start of deer hunting season is a national holiday

- Summer takes place the second week of July (and it still rains!!)

- You know which leaves make good toilet paper

- You find -20F a little chilly

- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer

- You attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots

- Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout

- You know the 4 seasons:  Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and   Construction.

- The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus

- You actually 'get' these jokes, and forward them to all your Michigan friends

Monday, December 27, 1999

An Announcement From Santa

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.  I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.
As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.  His side of the family is from the South Pole.  He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
  1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.  He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
  2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And, Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe.    He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
  3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer.   I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer
one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
  4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives.  Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
  5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
  6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off".   The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well.   One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
  7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
  8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
  9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." Next years songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South.  Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't LikeBubba Claus, You Can Stick It."

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Clause
A Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209

Sunday, December 26, 1999

Airline Maintenance Records

Here are some actual maintenance complaints generally known as squawks or problems submitted recently by airline pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks prior to the aircraft's next flight, the maintenance crews are required to log the details of action taken as a solution to the pilot's squawks.

The following are some recent squawks and subsequent responses by maintenance crews.

(P) is the problem logged by the pilot, and
(S) marks the solution and action taken by maintenance engineers.

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal--#1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on backorder

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for!!

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

Saturday, December 25, 1999

A Winter Wonderland - New Jersey Style

Driver's swear ..... are you listenin',
At the Mall .....folks are bitchin',
A miserable sight ..... they're sorry tonite,
Drivin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand!

Gone away ...... are your tires,
meter has ...... just expired,
They towed you away, while you shopped today,
Parkin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand!

On the Parkway we will have a breakdown,
We'll be stuck and threathened on the side,
If we're lucky, muggers might come mug us,
And if we plead they may give us a ride!

Santa's sleigh ..... was impounded,
All the Elves ...... were surrounded,
He's now in a cell .... for ringin' his bell,
Living in New Jersey's TrafficLand!

Friday, December 24, 1999

Twas the Night...

Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window, To scream, "YO! Keep it down!
"When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs, And eight Freekin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.
"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You Freekin' moron!
"Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities a screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Freekin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"

Thursday, December 23, 1999

Dave

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."
"Who?"
"Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave every single time."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Dave."
"Then how do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow."

Wednesday, December 22, 1999

Fun Holiday Shopping Ideas

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Put M&M's on layaway.

8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask,"Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

11.  Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

12.  Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

13.   Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

14.   While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

15.  Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.

16.  Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"

20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no!  It's those voices again!"

21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

Tuesday, December 21, 1999

Subliminal Correspondence

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great.  I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.   With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

The Reply:
----------
Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.  Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

Monday, December 20, 1999

More From the Mouths of Babes

Little Timmy watched his mother spread cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Timmy. "Giving up?"

Standing Alone

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"  After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?

Little Johnny replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

Sunday, December 19, 1999

From the Mouths of Babes

A boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has the police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with.

"Do you have a drivers license?" asks the father.

"No," says the boy.

"Are you resisting arrest?" he asks.

The boy hesitates before he says, "No,... I'm not sleepy yet."

Saturday, December 18, 1999

You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When...

*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you

*You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked

* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth

*You sleep with your eyes open

* You have to watch videos in fast-forward

*You lick your coffee pot clean

*You're eyes stay open when you sneeze

*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse

*You can type sixty words a minute with your feet

*You can jump-start your car without cables

*Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"

* You don't sweat, you percolate

*You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug

*You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee

*You've worn the finish off you coffee table

*The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you

*Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house

*You're so wired you pick up FM radio

*Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans"

*Instant coffee takes too long

*You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can

*You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar"

*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position

*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Friday, December 17, 1999

An Unforgettable ADULT Christmas

This story was passed on to me, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did it's rated
PG-13

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of aninflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who owns that?" "Do you have their phone number?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. I'm not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a French accent for no reason at all. (That also describes a few ex-girlfriends.)

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight. We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and and Grandpa would be there.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained. "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no on wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. The she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth rescuscitation. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Lousise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

I Most Certainly Can

A preacher forgot his notes for a sermon he was going to deliver. In the middle of the sermon, he got a few things twisted and said that the Lord took 4,000 barley loaves and 6,000 fishes and fed 24 people with plenty leftover.
Someone in the congregation called out "Anybody can do that!"
"Could you?" asked the minister.
"I most certainly can!" came the reply.
After the sermon when the minister complained about the hecklers conduct, he was told of his error by a deacon.
"Well" said the Minister, "Next week I will not forget my notes. I'll fix that character."
The next week the preacher stepped forward and confidently began his sermon. In the course of it, he brought up the miracle of the loaves and fishes. He told how 5 barley loaves and two fishes fed a multitude of probably 24,000 people. He then pointed at the heckler from the previous Sunday and asked "Can you do that?"
"I most certainly can!" came the reply.
"And just how would you do that?" asked the Minister.
"With the loaves and fishes leftover from Last Sunday!"

Thursday, December 16, 1999

Church Bulletin Bloopers

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

FASTING CONFERENCE. "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Our youth basketball team is back in action. Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands".

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the water'. The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus'.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The "Over 60's Choir" will be disbanded for the summer with thanks.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are afflicted with any church.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Remember in prayer those who are sick of our church and community.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience".

Wednesday, December 15, 1999

Politically Correct Insults

Ever want to call someone stupid, but want to do it in a way that is politically correct?  Here are some great suggestions sent in by various people...

A few clowns short of a circus

A few fries short of a Happy Meal

An experiment in artificial stupidity

A few beers short of a six pack

Dumber than a box of hair

A few peas short of a casserole

Doesn't have all his Cornflakes in one box

The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl

One taco short of a combination plate

A few feathers short of a whole duck

All foam, no beer

The cheese slid off his cracker

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools

As smart as bait

Chimney's clogged

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash

Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

Forgot to pay his brain bill

Her sewing machine's out of thread

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

His belt doesn't go through all the loops

If he had another brain, it would be lonely

Missing a few buttons on his remote control

No grain in the silo

Proof that evolution can go in reverse

Receiver is off the hook

Several nuts short of a full pouch

Sky light leaks a little

Slinky's kinked

Surfing in Nebraska

Too much yardage between the goal posts

Tuesday, December 14, 1999

You Know You Worked During the 90's if...

You've sat at the same desk for the last four years and worked for three different organizations and four different bosses.

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

You learn about your layoff on CNN.

Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

Communication is something your department is having problems with.

You see an unstressed-looking person and know instinctively they are a visitor.

During any outside-of-work event that vaguely resembles a social activity, your co-workers outnumber your family members.

Free food left over from meetings is a staple of your diet.

Being sick is defined as "can't walk," "in the hospital," or "deceased."

You're already late on the work task you just got.

You work 200 hours for a $100 bonus check.

"Vacation" is something you roll over to next year, or a check you get every January.

Your relatives and family can only vaguely describe your job as "working with computers".

It's dark when you drive to work.

It's dark when you drive home, too.

Your business cards are no longer correct just one month after you receive them.

You have every variety of "Cup-A-Soup" known to humankind in your desk drawer, including the Japanese brands.

You have no hobbies that do not involve an electronic device.

"Shopping" is something you do only in the duty-free section of airports or online.

You must fill in your own job performance evaluations and target goals because no one else really knows what you do anyway.  Besides, the Personnel Department was outsourced last month.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you've lost your "good jokes" file.

You read this entire list and understood it.

Monday, December 13, 1999

Leap of Faithless

Ole Dub was riding his Harley one day up a hill.  He ran up behind this old couple that had a bumper sticker on it that said -- I May Be Slow But I'm Ahead Of You.  This tore Ole Dub up and he opened the throttle and passed this couple. As he was speeding by, he hit a dip in the road and flipped
over a cliff.  Luckily he was able to grab a branch on the way down.

As he hung on for dear life, he looked down and saw it was at least 500 feet to the bottom and was full of rocks.  He then looked up and hollered, "Is there anyone up there that can help me?"

A great voice boomed down from heaven, "YES SON I CAN."

Ole Dub asked, "What do you want me to do?"

The great voice replied, "JUST TURN LOOSE."

Ole Dub looked down again at that 500 foot drop and the rocks below.  He looked up again and asked, "Is anyone else up there?"

Sunday, December 12, 1999

Love in a Chat Room

Sandy and Bob, two frequent users of a chat room, discovered that they had a lot in common. Eventually, they abandoned the chat room for a more intimate correspondence. After months of virtual kinkiness, the two decided to meet each other face-to-face at a small coffee shop.
Bunny arrived a little late. One customer, a short, skinny guy with an eye patch, sat at the back of the coffee shop.
"Are you Bob?" asked Sandy.
"Yes I am," said Bob.
"Unbelievable!" Sandy exclaimed. "You told me you were tall, dark and handsome."
"How do you think I feel?" Bob asked, his face turning red with shame. "You told me you were skinny, blonde, and female!"

Saturday, December 11, 1999

Virus Warning

This virus warning is genuine.
There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that
"Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

Friday, December 10, 1999

A Christmas Tradition
(A Classic)

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to  visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.  More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally  dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree?
Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...

Thursday, December 9, 1999

A New Robe

Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe. After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor."
He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him, which is a perfect fit. When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off:
"No, no, there's no charge. However, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could just mention a little something about how your nice robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor."
Jesus readily agrees and, as promised, plugs Finkelstein's robes every time he preaches.
Some months later, he is walking through Jerusalem and happens by Finkelstein's shop. There is a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushes his way through the crowd to speak to Finkelstein.
"Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you've been for business," gushed Finkelstein. "Would you consider a partnership?"
"Sure, sure," replies Jesus. "Jesus and Finkelstein it is."
"Uh, no, no," says Finkelstein. "Finkelstein and Jesus." After all, I am the craftsman."
The two of them debate this for some time. Among other topics, they have quite a good theological discussion. Finally, they come to a compromise decision. The new sign went up - "Lord & Taylor."

Wednesday, December 8, 1999

Gotta Have One

Seen on Wilshire Blvd., a major thoroughfare in Los Angeles, California: A tired homeless man carrying a cardboard sign which read, "Homeless, hungry, please help. God bless."
Which he flips over to reveal "Or, visit my website at www.hobo.com."

A Tip
(PG-13)

Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law.
Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one.
His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one, they're very strong and expensive."
Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they??"
His son replied, $10 each. Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank.
He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night.
The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10.
There's $110 under my pillow!!" Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!!"

Tuesday, December 7, 1999

Missed Opportunity

A lawyer enters a bank as a robber is making his getaway. Noticing that the customers have their faces buried in the floor, and the tellers have their hands in the air, the lawyer asks what's going on. As the bank manager dials the police department he shouts, "That man just walked out of here with a million dollars!"

"A million dollars! Why didn't you say something?" the lawyer says in shock. "I would have given him my card."

Monday, December 6, 1999

Telling The Difference

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it was printed on the bottom."

A-Bomb Day

One evening Johnny sat down at the kitchen table doing his homework while his mother watched television. Upon hearing the evening news, his mother let out a shriek. "Johnny! Johnny! China has just launched a nuclear missle toward the United States."
Johnny looked up from his book with a confused expression on his face.
"Do you understand what this means?" his mother implored.
All excited, Johnny quickly replied, "No school tomorrow."

Sunday, December 5, 1999

Why Fix Them?

Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a 'general protection fault' or 'illegal operation' warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror.

The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.

Saturday, December 4, 1999

Second Chance

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

Friday, December 3, 1999

Offensive Language
(NOTE: Rated PG 13)

A group of nuns were traveling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly, they don't really know how. Luckily, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack and he yelled, "Son-of-a-bitch!" The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."

"Sorry, Sister," he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost smashing his fingers. "Son-of- a-bitch," he yelled again.

"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us." "But I get so upset, and it just comes out." "Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me.'"

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. And again it slipped. He started to say "Son.." but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus, help me." At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.

The nuns looked at the car in wonder, exclaiming, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

Thursday, December 2, 1999

You Might Be a High-Tech Redneck if...

- Your e-mail address ends in "@over.yonder.com."

- You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page."

- If the bumper sticker on your truck says, "My other computer is a laptop."

- Your laptop has a sticker that says, "Protected by Smith and Wesson."

- You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.

- Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.

- You wire your network with jumper cables.

- Your wife said either she or the computer had to go, and you still don't miss her.

- You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink on.

- You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."

- Three Words: Daisy Duke Screensaver

- You start all your e-mails with the words, "Howdy y'all."

- Your spell checker knows words like, "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon."

- Your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead CPUs, printers, modems and monitors.

- Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" disk drive.

- You ever felt you had to move your computer desk so it didn't block the velvet picture of Elvis.

- Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.

- Smith & Wesson...the original Point-N-Click interface.

- When you're friends comment on your "nice boots" and you say, "Yea, thanks. Its my spiffy, new Phoenix BIOS."

- When your wife catches you again with your "Farm Animals of the Orient" CD-ROM.

- When you order your new pick-up truck with a gun rack and PCMCIA sockets.

- Your PC Games collection consists of nothing but Bass Fishing tournament games.

- You only buy from GateWay, 'cause the cow-colored boxes are a hoot.

Wednesday, December 1, 1999

GrandDad

At age 83, Granddad was admitted to the hospital for the first time. "What is this?" he asked as he held up the bell cord they had fastened to his pillow.

"That's the bell, Granddad," I replied.

He pulled it several times, then remarked, "I don't hear it ringing."

"Oh, it doesn't ring," I explained. "It turns on a light in the hall for the nurse."

"Well!" he replied indignantly, "if the nurse wants a light on in the hall, she can turn it on herself."