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Dec. 6 - 12, 1997

Friday, December 12, 1997

Looking for Mr. Right

There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either physically abusive,who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she put an Ad in the paper, that was asking for a man who:
1)would treat her nicely
2)wouldn't run away from her,
3)would be good in bed.
Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just figured that there wasn't a man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up.
Then, one day she heard the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
The man said "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper."
"What ad," she said having almost forgotten what she had even asked for...
"The personal ad," he replied. "As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
The woman replied, "Yes, but are you good in bed?" And the man said with a grin on his face, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

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Thursday, December 11, 1997

The Verdict

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick:
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "We looked, all right. But your client didn't."

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Wednesday, December 10, 1997

The Barber

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying "you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.

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Tuesday, December 9, 1997

The Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist is visiting an Indian village and decides to have a little fun with the Chief by throwing his voice and making the Chief's animals talk. While walking, they happen upon the Chiefs dog and the ventriloquist asks to talk to him.
The Chief replies "Dog no talk."
"Sure he does" says the ventriloquist "Watch". "Hey Mr. Dog, how's it goin" The dog replies "Pretty good. I've got a good life here with the Chief. I get to play with the kids and go on the hunts.The Chief's been good to me."
The Chief scratches his head, "Hmm, dog talk." Soon after they get to the chiefs horse. Once again the ventriloquist asks to speak to the animal, to which the Chief replies "Horse no talk."
"Sure he does" says the ventriloquist "Watch." "Hey Mr. Horse, hows it goin" The horse replies "Great. I get to go on the hunts, take the Chief into battle and give the kids horseback rides. I have it pretty good here."
The Chief scratches his head, "Hmm, Horse talk too." They continue their walk until they come to a pasture of sheep.
The ventriloquist asks the Chief, "Can I talk to your sheep?"
The Chief shakes his head and replies "Uh Uh --- Sheep lie."

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Monday, December 8, 1997

The New Pet

A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asks the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing"
Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" OK, the man thought, I'll give it a try, so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried and put away. Great, thought the man.
Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. 15 minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went.
15 minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. 45 minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede.
As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?"
"Hold on a minute buddy!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my #$@^%$%$ boots!!!"

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Sunday, December 7, 1997

Forget Me Not

An elderly husband and wife notices that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous as one on them may acccidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice. When they got home, they wife said, "Dear, will you please go the kitchen and get some ice cream. And why don't you write it down so you don't forget."
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write it down because I know you will forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries, I can remember that!"
"Okay, dear. But I would like you to put some whip cream on top. Now your really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come on now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem--a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whip cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him and emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presents her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast!"

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Saturday, December 6, 1997

The Accountant

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her):
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband (that's what she called him):
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

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