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Dec 13 - 19, 1997

Friday, December 19, 1997

A Cure for Migraines

A man went to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor did his history and physical, he discovered that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," said the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's something that I've learned from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin, "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," said the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient added, "You have a REALLY nice house."

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Thursday, December 18, 1997

Charity

The nuns at a small convent were happy to learn that an anonymous donor had left his modest estate to them. Each nun had been left $50 in cash to give away as she saw fit.
Each nun announced how she would spend her bequest. Sister Catherine Ann decided to give her share to the first poor person she saw. As she said this, she looked out the window and saw a man leaning against the telephone pole across the street, and he indeed looked poor.
She immediately left the convent and walked toward the man. He had obviously known better days. The good nun felt he had been sent by Heaven to receive her offering. She pressed the $50 into the man's hands and said, "Godspeed, my good man."
As she left, the man called out to her, "What is your name?"
Shyly, she replied, "Sister Catherine Ann."
The following evening, the man returned to the convent and rang the bell. "I'd like to see Sister Catherine Ann," he said.
The nun at the door answered, "I'm sorry, but I cannot disturb her right now. She's in the chapel. May I give her a message?"
"Yes," said the man gleefully. "Give her this $100 and tell her Godspeed paid $123.00 to win in the seventh race."

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Wednesday, December 17, 1997

Christmas Parrot

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.
The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."
The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing-- Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

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Tuesday, December 16, 1997

Do You Have Insurance?

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters - they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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Monday, December 15, 1997

Escaped Con

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking butt!!!!!!!"

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Sunday, December 14, 1997

Confession

A priest is hearing confessions as usual, until he hears on one side of the confessional loud stumbling noises and a crash. Quickly finishing with the woman on the other side, he turns his head and opens the sliding window. A rank, booze-laden smell slaps him across the face, and he chokes out words : "What in the name of GOD?..."
A voice from the other side of the window gives off a long, slow groan.
Now the booth is flooded with another, even more foul odor!
"Who in the blazes is THAT?" bellows the priest, completely out of patience by now.
"Oh, Father Murphy! It's Father O'Brien. Thank GOD you're there (hic). Tell me, Father, is there any paper on your side?"

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Saturday, December 13, 1997

Non-tempting Attempts

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.
"If you get in the car," the driver says "I'll give you $10 and a packet of sweets."
The boy refuses and keeps on walking.
A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two packets of sweets?"
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.
Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Ok," he says. "This is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the sweets you can eat."
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he shouts to the driver. "You bought the damned Volvo, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"

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