Dec 20 - 26,
Friday, December 26, 1997
The Great Debate
A century or two ago, the Pope decided that all
the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish
community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a
member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope
won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. They
looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to
volunteer -- it was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe,
who spent his life sweeping up. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he
agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying
very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be
allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe
and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised
his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one
finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed
to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.
Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said: "I give up. This man is
too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around
the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers
to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me
that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my
finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by
pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled
out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled
out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What
could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe,
amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars
had insisted was impossible! "What happened?" they asked.
Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I
told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city
would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took
out his lunch and I took out mine."
Thursday, December 25, 1997
There were two old boys who love to fish, and they
wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took
off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to
the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said,
"We're going to need an ice pick."
So they got that, and they took off. In
about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need
another dozen ice picks." Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some
questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've
The fellow couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how
are you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have
the boat in the water yet."
Wednesday, December 24, 1997
The Night Before Christmas
It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't.
Santa was really pissed. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs.
Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching about not
getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the
reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the
sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking
off one of the runners.
Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN"T
believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just
a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I
don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that little Angel out HOURS ago to find
a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then the
little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging
a Christmas tree. He says: "Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas
tree this year?????"
And thus the tradition of Angels perched atop the
Christmas trees came to pass. . .
Tuesday, December 23, 1997
A very elderly couple is having an
elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversery. The old man leans
forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask
you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the
rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the
most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not
take that all away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?"
wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a
moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the
reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With
a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the
courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says
Monday, December 22, 1997
Three men die in a car accident Christmas eve.They
all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven.On entering they
must present something Christmassy.
The first man searches his pocket, and
finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a nut
cracker , so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of
Confused at this last item , St. Peter asks "how do these represent
The man says "Simple, they're Carol's."
John's dad was no longer around and his mom had
moved to Miami Beach. John didn't see her very often anymore and he worried that
she might be lonely. So he decided to get her a special gift for her
After shopping around, John went back to the
pet store where he'd seen a parrot that had been trained to speak seven
languages. He purchased the bird and hired a courier to deliver the rare
specimen to his mom in Miami Beach. A few days later he called his mom and
asked, "Mom. what do you think of the bird?"
"The bird was good but a little
tough." she responded. "I should have cooked it longer."
"Mom! You ate the
bird??!!!!" John exclaimed. "That was a very rare and expensive bird trained to
speak seven languages!"
"Oh, excuse me." his mom said. "But, if that bird was
so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?"
Sunday, December 21, 1997
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane
shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one
of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came
running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another
engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and
even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and
smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that
there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of
the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the
door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats
and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attatched
the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't
The pilot said they were.
The passenger went on, "But I
thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied
the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
Saturday, December 20, 1997
It's the day before Christmas and the butcher is
just locking up when a man pounds on the door.
"Please let me in," says the
man, "I forgot to buy a turkey and my wife will kill me if I don't come home
"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes
into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He
brings it out to show the man.
"That's one is too skinny. What else you got?"
says the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a
few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
"Oh, no," says
the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of