Dec 20 - 26, 1997


Nice Try Smart Pilot Christmas Spirit
Prime Bird The Night Before Christmas Different Father
Ice Fishing The Great Debate  


Friday, December 26, 1997

The Great Debate

A century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer -- it was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe, who spent his life sweeping up. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said: "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."


Thursday, December 25, 1997

Ice Fishing

There were two old boys who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."
So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks." Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."
The fellow couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."


Wednesday, December 24, 1997

The Night Before Christmas

It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.
Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN"T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then the little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says: "Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas tree this year?????"
And thus the tradition of Angels perched atop the Christmas trees came to pass. . .


Tuesday, December 23, 1997

Different Father

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversery. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take that all away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".


Monday, December 22, 1997

Christmas Spirit

Three men die in a car accident Christmas eve.They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven.On entering they must present something Christmassy.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a nut cracker , so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last item , St. Peter asks "how do these represent Christmas?"
The man says "Simple, they're Carol's."


Prime Bird

John's dad was no longer around and his mom had moved to Miami Beach. John didn't see her very often anymore and he worried that she might be lonely. So he decided to get her a special gift for her birthday--something unusual.
After shopping around, John went back to the pet store where he'd seen a parrot that had been trained to speak seven languages. He purchased the bird and hired a courier to deliver the rare specimen to his mom in Miami Beach. A few days later he called his mom and asked, "Mom. what do you think of the bird?"
"The bird was good but a little tough." she responded. "I should have cooked it longer."
"Mom! You ate the bird??!!!!" John exclaimed. "That was a very rare and expensive bird trained to speak seven languages!"
"Oh, excuse me." his mom said. "But, if that bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?"


Sunday, December 21, 1997

Smart Pilot

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attatched the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."


Saturday, December 20, 1997

Nice Try

It's the day before Christmas and the butcher is just locking up when a man pounds on the door.
"Please let me in," says the man, "I forgot to buy a turkey and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."
"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
"That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"