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Welcome to
January, 2014
January 31, 2014 It
was Super Bowl Sunday and in our church the time for the collection of tithes
and offerings was approaching. The minister, a true sports enthusiast, reached into his pocket, took out a quarter, flipped it into the air, glanced at it as it landed, then in typical referee fashion joyfully announced: "The ushers have elected to receive!"
January 30, 2014 A
husband and wife went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what
the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade, listing each and every
problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She
went on and on - neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling
unloved and unlovable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the
course of their quarter century of marriage. Finally,
after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist
stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and
kissed her passionately on the mouth. The
woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down. The therapist turned to the
husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a
week. Do you think you can do this?" The
husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, doc, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days, I play golf."
January 29, 2014 The presiding judge in a case involving a man charged with tax evasion was known for his dry sense of humor. As the defendant stood before him alone, the judge asked if he had counsel. Looking
toward the ceiling, the man replied, "Jesus Christ is my counselor
and defender." The
wise Judge nodded slowly while carefully framing his next question, which was,
"Sir, do you have LOCAL counsel?"
January 28, 2014 A
man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a
drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped
back into the bar.
January 27, 2014 A
new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was
amazed with what he could do - everyone except for old Mr. Thompson, the town
skeptic. Grumpy
old Mr. Thompson went to visit this "miracle doctor" to prove that he
wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor,
"Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are
ya goin' to do?" The
doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr.
Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47." So
the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He
tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks
like I just restored your sense of taste, Mr. Thompson," said the doctor.
So Mr. Thompson went home...very mad. One
month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to
expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he
started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking
he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head,
mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar
number 47, it's..." But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!
January 26, 2014 Exercises
We'd Be Better Off Without
January 25, 2014 A
guy goes into a florist shop that has a sign: "Say It With Flowers." He
says, "One rose, please." "Just
one?" asks the florist. "Yes. I'm a man of few words."
January 24, 2014 One
of the players on our junior high football team never saw action in a game. But
my brother, the assistant coach, liked the kid and always gave him pep talks. "Remember,
Ben," he told him, "everyone on this team has an important role. There
is no I in team." "True," said the boy. "But there is a Ben in bench.
January 23, 2014 Two
men were holding up the line outside the turnstyle before a football game, while
one of them hunted for his ticket. He looked in his coat pockets and his
waistcoat pockets and his trouser pockets, all to no avail... “Hang
on a minute...,”
said the guy at the gate, “...what's
that in your mouth?” “It's
the missing ticket!” As
they moved inside his friend said “”You
must be getting senile in your old age. Fancy having your ticket in your mouth
and forgetting about it!” “'I'm not that stupid...,” said his friend, “...I was chewing last week's date off it.”
January 22, 2014 A
lady lost her handbag at the mall. An honest young lad found it and
returned it to her. Looking
in her purse, she said, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there
was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy replied, "That IS funny. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
January 21, 2014 Driving
to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in
front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen
stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery
tacks.
January 20, 2014 You
Know You're in a Sketchy Church When The
Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version." There's
an ATM in the lobby. The
choir wears leather robes. Worship
services are B.Y.O.S.: "Bring Your Own Snake." No
cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum. Karaoke
Worship Time. Ushers
ask, "Smoking or Non-smoking?" The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."
January 19, 2014 What
follows are Old Testament bloopers from Sunday school students: ~
When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus- in the
manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption. ~
St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head. ~
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before- they do
one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." ~
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone
off the entrance. ~
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. ~
A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony. ~
The epistles were the wives of the apostles. ~
One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan. ~
When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. ~ St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
January 18, 2014 What
follows are Old Testament bloopers from Sunday school students: ~
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off. ~
Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree. ~
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. ~
Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears. ~
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. ~
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
unsympathetic Genitals. ~
Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah. ~
Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles. ~
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is
bread made without any ingredients. ~
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. ~
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. ~
The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. ~
The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. ~
Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the
Battle of Geritol. ~
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and
he obeyed him ~
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times. ~ Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
January 17, 2014 A
Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English,
nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House"
for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil,"
however, is masculine: "el lapiz." A student asked, "What gender
is 'computer'?" Instead
of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and
female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer"
should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each
group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The
men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computadora") because: 1.
No one but their creator understands their internal logic. The
women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el
computador") because: 1.
In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on. The
women won.
January 16, 2014 ·
Richard Simmons wearing shorts that come nearly to the half-thigh region. ·
Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets. ·
You have to break the smoke off your chimney ·
You have to open the fridge to heat the house ·
Your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass ·
Police tell a robber to freeze, and he does ·
Our words froze in midair and we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so
we hear what we were talking about. ·
People look forward to getting a fever ·
Mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears ·
I’m shivering like a mobster in a tax office.
January 15, 2014 Sunday
morning was Family Day at church so my grandson Hunter was sitting with me in
"big church." When
it came time for the tithes and offering, Hunter took the tip of his tie and
held it in the air. During the prayer, I peeked at him and he just kept holding
his tie in the air. I whispered at him and asked what he was doing. With a mischievous grin he whispered back, "He said to hold up your ties and offerings for the prayer."
January 14, 2014 Two
lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.
January 13, 2014 So this guy joins a computer dating service. He
asks to meet someone petite who likes water sports, enjoys lots of company, and
is comfortable in formal attire. The
computer operates flawlessly... ...and sends him a penguin.
January 12, 2014 There
once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had
worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to
heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth
with him. An
angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your
wealth with you." The
man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The
man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and
informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.
Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars
and places it beside his bed. Soon
afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.
Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in
here!" But
the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story
with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're
right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents
before letting it through." Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!"
January 11, 2014 A
woman is taking a bath in a shared bathroom at a boarding house. There's
a knock on the door. She
says, "Who is it?" A
male voice responds, "The blind man. I need some help" After
a few moments of deliberation she says, "Come in." The
man enters and says, "Hi there. I need to know where they want me to hang
these blinds?"
January 10, 2014 A
man driving to visit relatives, got lost on a rural Wyoming road. He sees a
local and stops. "Does
this road go to Laramie?" "I
dunno." "Is
there a place near here with phone reception so I can make a call?" "I
dunno." "Well
how about a nearby drugstore or town - can you tell me how far away one might
be?" "Nope." "You
don't know much do you?" "Nope
- but I aint lost."
January 9, 2014 On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
January 8, 2014 One
day, two guys decide to take a drive to a local grocery store to get some lunch. On
the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light
showed red. The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger
looked at the driver and screamed, "What the heck are you doing? You're
going to get us killed!" Then
the driver responded, "Don't worry, my mother always drives like
this." So
later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that, too, was red. The
driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver
and said, "I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you
please stop this nonsense!" The
driver looked at the passenger and responded, "All right! I get it, but I
told you my mother drives like this all the time!" Again,
the two guys ran into another light. This time it was green. The driver slammed
on his breaks and stopped the car totally. "What the heck are you
doing?" The
passenger screamed. "This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why
did you stop at a green light?" "Well, my mother might be coming the other way," the driver said.
January 7, 2014 You
admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge. "Yes,"
answered the suspect. "And
what did you steal?" "A
dress, Your Honor," replied the subject. "One
dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!" "Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But three times my wife didn't like the color."
January 6, 2014 One
year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas
gift... When
she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I
bought you last year!"
January 4, 2014 I
rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! So
I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
January 3, 2014 My
wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
January 2, 2014 After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So
I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
January 1, 2014 My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She
said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."
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