Dans Daily
Jokes On You

Welcome to


January, 2014


Something Shiny Applying for Social Security Not Happy
A Really Bad Day Christmas Gift
Breaking In Four Times Just Like Mom New Years Eve
Directions The Blind Man Can't Take It With You 
Computer Dating Lawyers Get Robbed Tithes and Offerings
It’s So Cold… Spanish Class Biblical Bloopers
Biblical Bloopers - II You Know You're in a Sketchy Church When Swerve to Avoid a Box
Lost Handbag Getting Forgetful No I In Team
Say It With Flowers Exercises We'd Be Better Off Without The Miracle Doctor
This Pill Allows You to Fly Tax Evasion Case This is What She Needs
 Super Bowl Sunday  













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January 31, 2014

Super Bowl Sunday

It was Super Bowl Sunday and in our church the time for the collection of tithes and offerings was approaching.

The minister, a true sports enthusiast, reached into his pocket, took out a quarter, flipped it into the air, glanced at it as it landed, then in typical referee fashion joyfully announced: "The ushers have elected to receive!"


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January 30, 2014

This is What She Needs

A husband and wife went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade, listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on - neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.

The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days, I play golf."


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January 29, 2014

Tax Evasion Case

The presiding judge in a case involving a man charged  with tax evasion was known for his dry sense of humor. As the defendant stood before him alone, the judge asked if he had counsel. 

Looking toward the ceiling, the man replied, "Jesus  Christ is my counselor and defender."  

The wise Judge nodded slowly while carefully framing his next question, which was, "Sir, do you have LOCAL counsel?"

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January 28, 2014

This Pill Allows You to Fly

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."


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January 27, 2014

The Miracle Doctor

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for old Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this "miracle doctor" to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."

So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled.

"Looks like I just restored your sense of taste, Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home...very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" 

Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's..."

But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!


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January 26, 2014

Exercises We'd Be Better Off Without

 Jumping on the bandwagon

 Wading through paperwork

 Running around in circles

 Pushing your luck

 Spinning your wheels

 Adding fuel to the fire

 Beating your head against the wall

 Climbing the walls

 Beating your own drum

 Dragging your heels

 Jumping to conclusions

 Grasping at straws

 Fishing for compliments

 Throwing your weight around

 Passing the buck


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January 25, 2014

Say It With Flowers

A guy goes into a florist shop that has a sign: "Say It With Flowers."

He says, "One rose, please."

"Just one?" asks the florist.

"Yes.  I'm a man of few words."


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January 24, 2014

No I In Team

One of the players on our junior high football team never saw action in a game. But my brother, the assistant coach, liked the kid and always gave him pep talks.

"Remember, Ben," he told him, "everyone on this team has an important role. There is no I in team."

"True," said the boy. "But there is a Ben in bench.


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January 23, 2014

Getting Forgetful

Two men were holding up the line outside the turnstyle before a football game, while one of them hunted for his ticket. He looked in his coat pockets and his waistcoat pockets and his trouser pockets, all to no avail...

“Hang on a minute...,” said the guy at the gate, “...what's that in your mouth?”

“It's the missing ticket!”

As they moved inside his friend said “”You must be getting senile in your old age. Fancy having your ticket in your mouth and forgetting about it!”

“'I'm not that stupid...,” said his friend, “...I was chewing last week's date off it.”


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January 22, 2014

Lost Handbag

A lady lost her handbag at the mall.  An honest young lad found it and returned it to her.

Looking in her purse, she said, "Hmm, that's funny.  When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it.  Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy replied, "That IS funny.  The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."


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January 21, 2014

Swerve to Avoid a Box

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion." 


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January 20, 2014

You Know You're in a Sketchy Church When

 The church bus has gun racks.

 The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.

The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."

There's an ATM in the lobby.

The choir wears leather robes.

Worship services are B.Y.O.S.: "Bring Your Own Snake."

No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.

Karaoke Worship Time.

Ushers ask, "Smoking or Non-smoking?"

The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."


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January 19, 2014

Biblical Bloopers - II

What follows are Old Testament bloopers from Sunday school students:

~ When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus- in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.

~ St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

~ Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before- they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

~ It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

~ The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

~ A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

~ The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

~ One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

~ When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

~ St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.


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January 18, 2014

Biblical Bloopers

What follows are Old Testament bloopers from Sunday school students:

~ In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

~ Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.

~ Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

~ Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.

~ Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

~ The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

~ Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

~ Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.

~ Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

~ Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

~ The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

~ The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.

~ The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

~ Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

~ The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him

~ David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.

~ Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.


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January 17, 2014

Spanish Class

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.


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January 16, 2014

It’s So Cold…

·         Richard Simmons wearing shorts that come nearly to the half-thigh region.

·         Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.

·         You have to break the smoke off your chimney

·         You have to open the fridge to heat the house

·         Your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass

·         Police tell a robber to freeze, and he does

·         Our words froze in midair and we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we hear what we were talking about.

·         People look forward to getting a fever

·         Mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears

·         I’m shivering like a mobster in a tax office.


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January 15, 2014

Tithes and Offerings

Sunday morning was Family Day at church so my grandson Hunter was sitting with me in "big church."

When it came time for the tithes and offering, Hunter took the tip of his tie and held it in the air. During the prayer, I peeked at him and he just kept holding his tie in the air. I whispered at him and asked what he was doing.

With a mischievous grin he whispered back, "He said to hold up your ties and offerings for the prayer."


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January 14, 2014

Lawyers Get Robbed

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."


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January 13, 2014

Computer Dating

So this guy joins a computer dating service.  

He asks to meet someone petite who likes water sports, enjoys lots of company, and is comfortable in formal attire.

The computer operates flawlessly...

...and sends him a penguin.


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January 12, 2014

Can't Take It With You

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!" 


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January 11, 2014

The Blind Man

A woman is taking a bath in a shared bathroom at a boarding house.

There's a knock on the door.

She says, "Who is it?"

A male voice responds, "The blind man. I need some help"

After a few moments of deliberation she says, "Come in."

The man enters and says, "Hi there. I need to know where they want me to hang these blinds?"


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January 10, 2014


A man driving to visit relatives, got lost on a rural Wyoming road. He sees a local and stops.

"Does this road go to Laramie?"

"I dunno."

"Is there a place near here with phone reception so I can make a call?"

"I dunno."

"Well how about a nearby drugstore or town - can you tell me how far away one might be?"


"You don't know much do you?"

"Nope - but I aint lost."


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January 9, 2014

New Years Eve

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. 

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. 

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.


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January 8, 2014

Just Like Mom

One day, two guys decide to take a drive to a local grocery store to get some lunch.

On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red. The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, "What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us killed!"

Then the driver responded, "Don't worry, my mother always drives like this."

So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that, too, was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, "I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!"

The driver looked at the passenger and responded, "All right! I get it, but I told you my mother drives like this all the time!"

Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time it was green. The driver slammed on his breaks and stopped the car totally. "What the heck are you doing?"

The passenger screamed. "This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?"

"Well, my mother might be coming the other way," the driver said. 


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January 7, 2014

Breaking In Four Times

You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered the suspect.

"And what did you steal?"

"A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject.

"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!"

"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But three times my wife didn't like the color."


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January 6, 2014

Christmas Gift

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And then the fight started...


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January 4, 2014

A Really Bad Day

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

And then the fight started...


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January 3, 2014

Not Happy

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started...


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January 2, 2014

Applying for Social Security

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...


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January 1, 2014

Something Shiny

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And that's how the fight started...


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