February 28, 2014
President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.
President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself,
"there's good news & bad news."
no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news
bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another
and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."
February 27, 2014
woman was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran
out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.
you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.
"No, but it's okay -- I got the license plate number!"
February 26, 2014
boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning. The kids
uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom, what's
that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their
what does it do?" they queried.
show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled
the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters
of print on the page.
they exclaimed, "That's really cool. But how does it work like that? Where
do you plug it in?"
is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."
where do you put the batteries?" they persisted.
doesn't need batteries either," she continued.
"Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"
February 25, 2014
taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by
a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,
"Are you a cop?"
I answered and continued writing the report.
mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you tie my shoe?"
February 24, 2014
Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a
small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're
having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next
airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can
February 23, 2014
grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was
used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a
tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the
little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in.
At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
February 22, 2014
"Say, look at that big bunch of buffaloes."
Hand: "Not 'bunch' -- 'herd.'"
Hand: "Herd of buffaloes."
Tourist: "Sure, I've heard of buffaloes. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
February 21, 2014
had to stop eating with metal cutlery.
people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
were holding up pictures of thumbs!
were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the spring!
...The optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!
February 20, 2014
being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Frank was hired by a
one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.
the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent
of Frank's wages to pay for the repairs.
much will it cost?" asked Frank.
$4,500." said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Frank. "I've finally got job security!"
February 19, 2014
buffalo were grazing on the range when a tourist said, "Those are the
mangiest, scroungiest beasts I have ever seen."
One buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know...I think I just heard a discouraging word."
February 18, 2014
One morning Emma woke up with a start. Her husband Jim asked what was the matter.
told him, "I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for
Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
know tonight," Jim said.
That evening, Jim home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
February 17, 2014
she got flowers from her husband on Valentine's Day, my daughter's friend
quickly opened the card.
it said was "No."
did that mean?
She called her husband, who said, "I didn't attach any message. The florist asked if I had a message and I said, 'No.'"
February 16, 2014
I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ... but could I borrow
five hundred dollars?
Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa today.
I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the U.S. Department of
I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in six to eight months with
I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1
coupon before it expired.
~ People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.
February 15, 2014
asked Tony if he'd gotten his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
said, "Yes I did. I bought her a bag and a belt."
was shocked, "Really? That was very kind of you. I'm sure she will
Tony replied, "I hope she appreciates them too and I hope the vacuum cleaner works a lot better now."
February 14, 2014
Sam was a 4-year-old who loved candy as much as his mom did.
dad gave Sam's mom a box of chocolates for Valentine's Day. The box was
heart-shaped and filled with tons of various chocolates. After a few days had
passed, Sam went to the box and reached out to touch one of the pieces of
chocolate. Sam's mom said, “Now Sam, you know that if you touch it you have to
Sam then reached out and tenderly patted the top of every piece of candy with his little hand. He then turned to his mother and said, “Well, now I guess I have to eat them all.”
February 13, 2014
older couple finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.
wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a
text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:
you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
you are laughing, send me your smile.
you are eating, send me a bite.
you are drinking, send me a sip.
you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.
husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
on the toilet.
February 12, 2014
waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat as
he is carrying on the plate.
you crazy?" complained the customer, "You have your hand on my
“What?" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
February 11, 2014
"What's the luncheon special today?"
"Beef tongue with onions."
"Oh, yuck!! I could never eat anything that was in a cow's mouth!!"
"Very well. What will you have?"
Customer: "Gimme a couple fried eggs."
February 10, 2014
elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a
good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch
not?" he asks.
answers back, "Because I'm dead."
husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in
bed together and talking to one another."
wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're
His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!"
February 9, 2014
our wedding night, we booked into an attractive-looking motel. The receptionist
told us all they had left was the Honeymoon Cottage – and we couldn’t resist
telling him that was just what we were looking for.
February 8, 2014
5-year-old boy was playing with his toy cars on the floor next to his bed. He
suddenly noticed all the dust under his bed and screamed for his mother.
mother rushed to his room to find her son sitting on the floor with a very
puzzled look on his face.
"Remember today in church when the preacher said we all came from dust and
are going back to dust?"
Son: "Well, there's someone under my bed but I don't know if they're coming or going."
February 7, 2014
trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to
call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an
exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the
courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with
a group of lawyers.
The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "You're honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman."
February 6, 2014
football coach walked into the changing room before a game. He looked over to
his new signing and said, 'I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed
arithmetic, but we need you to be in the team. So, what I have to do is ask you
a math question, and if you get it right then you will be allowed to play.'
player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, 'Okay, now
concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?'
player thought for a moment and then answered, '4?'
you say 4?' the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it correct.
Suddenly all the other players on the team began shouting..., 'Come on coach, give him another chance!'.
February 5, 2014
was one of those weird coincidences that occurs maybe once in a thousand years:
That afternoon there converged on the neighborhood grocery store some 28
husbands, each of whom who had been sent out by their wives with very specific
instructions as to what they should buy.
a further stretch of the laws of probability, each of those men had assured
their mates that they were perfectly capable of remembering the items needed
without the childish crutch of written instructions.
the scene: more than two dozen adult males wandering the store aisles with
atmosphere in the grocery store was, well, there is only one word for it -
February 4, 2014
alphabet was having a convention.
the letters were having a wonderful time, except for E. E complained about the
food and the hotel's bed. He even told G she had put on weight and looked
pregnant. He was getting under everyone's skin.
B and C were talking in the corner. B said to C, "You know what E's problem is? He has irritable vowel syndrome."
February 3, 2014
noticed that Dewey was looking depressed, and asked what was wrong.
said Dewey, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now
I'm in deep trouble at home."
kind of question?" asked Steve.
wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and
easy," said Steve. "You just say 'Of course I will'."
"Yeah," said Dewey, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO...'"
February 2, 2014
Joanie who was drawing intently when his teacher asked, "What are you
a picture of God," said the child.
no one knows what God looks like," said the teacher.
"They will when I'm finished," came the reply.
February 1, 2014
was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend."
know, but I don't hold any grudges."
surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her."
I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double."
Is that true?"
"I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age."