Dans Daily
Jokes On You


February,  2014 


Blind Date A Picture of God The Wrong Answer
Alphabet Convention Weird Coincidences One More Chance
Lawyers on a Jury Dust Honeymoon Cottage
Because I'm Dead Beef Tongue with Onions Are You Crazy
Senior Texting Sam Not Quite Right
Worst Things to Say on a First Date Valentine Flowers What Do You Think It Means?
Where Seldom Is Heard On The Bright Side It Was So Cold that...
Big Bunch of Buffaloes  Back In The Day Mechanical Problems
Always Ask the Police Always Ask the Police Crime Stopper
Good News And Bad News









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February 28, 2014

Good News And Bad News

The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."

"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."


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February 27, 2014

Crime Stopper

A woman was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.

"Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.

"No, but it's okay -- I got the license plate number!"


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February 26, 2014

Always Ask the Police

The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom, what's this?"

"Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.

"Well, what does it do?" they queried.

"I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.

"WOW!" they exclaimed, "That's really cool. But how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?"

"There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."

"Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted.

"It doesn't need batteries either," she continued.

"Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"


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February 25, 2014

Always Ask the Police

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you tie my shoe?"


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February 24, 2014

Mechanical Problems

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"

The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.



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February 23, 2014

Back In The Day

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like.

"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in.

At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"


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February 22, 2014

Big Bunch of Buffaloes

Tourist: "Say, look at that big bunch of buffaloes."

Ranch Hand: "Not 'bunch' -- 'herd.'"

Tourist: "Heard what?"

Ranch Hand: "Herd of buffaloes."

Tourist: "Sure, I've heard of buffaloes. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."


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February 21, 2014

It Was So Cold that...

...We had to stop eating with metal cutlery.

...Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!

...Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

...Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

...When I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the spring!

...The optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses! 


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February 20, 2014

On The Bright Side

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Frank was hired by a warehouse.

But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.

Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Frank's wages to pay for the repairs.

"How much will it cost?" asked Frank.

"About $4,500." said the owner.

"What a relief!" exclaimed Frank. "I've finally got job security!"


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February 19, 2014

Where Seldom Is Heard

Some buffalo were grazing on the range when a tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest beasts I have ever seen."

One buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know...I think I just heard a discouraging word."


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February 18, 2014

What Do You Think It Means?

One morning Emma woke up with a start.  Her husband Jim asked what was the matter. 

She told him, "I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," Jim said.

That evening, Jim home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."


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February 17, 2014

Valentine Flowers

When she got flowers from her husband on Valentine's Day, my daughter's friend quickly opened the card.

All it said was "No."

What did that mean?

She called her husband, who said, "I didn't attach any message. The florist asked if I had a message and I said, 'No.'"


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February 16, 2014

Worst Things to Say on a First Date

~ I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ... but could I borrow five hundred dollars?

~ Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa today.

~ I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice.

~ I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior.

~ I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

~ People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell. 


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February 15, 2014

Not Quite Right

Jim asked Tony if he'd gotten his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

Tony said, "Yes I did. I bought her a bag and a belt."

Jim was shocked, "Really? That was very kind of you. I'm sure she will appreciate those."

Tony replied, "I hope she appreciates them too and I hope the vacuum cleaner works a lot better now."


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February 14, 2014


Sam was a 4-year-old who loved candy as much as his mom did. 

Sam's dad gave Sam's mom a box of chocolates for Valentine's Day. The box was heart-shaped and filled with tons of various chocolates. After a few days had passed, Sam went to the box and reached out to touch one of the pieces of chocolate. Sam's mom said, “Now Sam, you know that if you touch it you have to eat it.”

Sam then reached out and tenderly patted the top of every piece of candy with his little hand. He then turned to his mother and said, “Well, now I guess I have to eat them all.”


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February 13, 2014

Senior Texting

An older couple finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy,  texted back:

I'm on the toilet.

Please advise.


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February 12, 2014

Are You Crazy

The waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat as he is carrying on the plate.

"Are you crazy?"  complained the customer, "You have your hand on my steak!"

“What?"  answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"


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February 11, 2014

Beef Tongue with Onions

Customer: "What's the luncheon special today?"

Waiter: "Beef tongue with onions."

Customer: "Oh, yuck!! I could never eat anything that was in a cow's mouth!!"

Waiter: "Very well. What will you have?"

Customer: "Gimme a couple fried eggs."


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February 10, 2014

Because I'm Dead

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!"


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February 9, 2014

Honeymoon Cottage

On our wedding night, we booked into an attractive-looking motel. The receptionist told us all they had left was the Honeymoon Cottage – and we couldn’t resist telling him that was just what we were looking for.

Checking out the next morning, I told the receptionist that I had found the décor in our cottage particularly attractive.

“They’re all alike,” he informed us. “We call it the Honeymoon Cottage because the TV set is broken.


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February 8, 2014


A 5-year-old boy was playing with his toy cars on the floor next to his bed. He suddenly noticed all the dust under his bed and screamed for his mother.

His mother rushed to his room to find her son sitting on the floor with a very puzzled look on his face.

Mother: "What's wrong?"

Son: "Remember today in church when the preacher said we all came from dust and are going back to dust?"

Mother: "Yes"

Son: "Well, there's someone under my bed but I don't know if they're coming or going."


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February 7, 2014

Lawyers on a Jury

A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.

The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.

After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.

The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to reaching a verdict?" 

The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "You're honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman."


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February 6, 2014

One More Chance

A football coach walked into the changing room before a game. He looked over to his new signing and said, 'I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed arithmetic, but we need you to be in the team. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right then you will be allowed to play.'

The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, 'Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?'

The player thought for a moment and then answered, '4?'

'Did you say 4?' the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it correct.

Suddenly all the other players on the team began shouting..., 'Come on coach, give him another chance!'.


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February 5, 2014

Weird Coincidences

It was one of those weird coincidences that occurs maybe once in a thousand years: That afternoon there converged on the neighborhood grocery store some 28 husbands, each of whom who had been sent out by their wives with very specific instructions as to what they should buy.

In a further stretch of the laws of probability, each of those men had assured their mates that they were perfectly capable of remembering the items needed without the childish crutch of written instructions.

Picture the scene: more than two dozen adult males wandering the store aisles with glazed-over eyes.

The atmosphere in the grocery store was, well, there is only one word for it -

it was....



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February 4, 2014

Alphabet Convention

The alphabet was having a convention. 

All the letters were having a wonderful time, except for E. E complained about the food and the hotel's bed. He even told G she had put on weight and looked pregnant. He was getting under everyone's skin.

B and C were talking in the corner. B said to C, "You know what E's problem is? He has irritable vowel syndrome." 


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February 3, 2014

The Wrong Answer

Steve noticed that Dewey was looking depressed, and asked what was wrong.

"Well," said Dewey, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."

"What kind of question?" asked Steve.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly."

"That's easy," said Steve. "You just say 'Of course I will'."

"Yeah," said Dewey, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO...'"


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February 2, 2014

A Picture of God

Little Joanie who was drawing intently when his teacher asked, "What are you drawing?" 

"It's a picture of God," said the child.

"But no one knows what God looks like," said the teacher.

"They will when I'm finished," came the reply.


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February 1, 2014

Blind Date

"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend."

"I know, but I don't hold any grudges."

"I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her."

"Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double."

"Wow! Is that true?"

"I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age."


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