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Welcome
March, 2014
March 31, 2014 Several
men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a
man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in
the room stops to listen. Man:
"Hello." Woman:
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club"? Man:
"Yes." Woman:
"I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only
$1,000. Is it okay if I buy it"? Man:
"Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." Woman:
"I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2014 models. I
saw one that I really liked." Man:
"How much"? Woman:
"$95,000." Man:
"Okay, but for that price, I want it with all the options." Woman:
"Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the
market. They're asking $950,000." Man:
"Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It's really a pretty good
price." Woman:
"Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" Man:
"Bye! I love you, too." The
man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths agape. He smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
March 30, 2014 A
young executive was leaving the office one evening when he found the CEO
standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen",
said the CEO, "this is important and my assistant has left. Can you make
this thing work?" "Certainly",
said the young man, flattered that the CEO had asked him for help. He
turned the the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. "Excellent!"
said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need two copies of that."
March 29, 2014 Mr.
Frobisher had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation.
The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with
three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you
don't think you can solve," he said. Well,
things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn
and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered
the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The
message read, "Blame your predecessor." The
new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of
the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street --
responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind
him. About
a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined
with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the
CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read,
"Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
March 28, 2014 An
elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to
the doctor who was able to fit for a set of hearing aids that allowed the
gentleman to hear 100%. The
elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can
hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
March 27, 2014 A
man in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light
where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh,
I just made an illegal turn!" the man said. "Aw, Dad, it's okay," the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
March 26, 2014 Jim
called up his Mom from college and asked her for some money because he was
broke. His
Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your
biology book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up
too?" "Uhh,
oh yeah, OK." Jim replied. So
his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad
goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When
she got back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this
time?" "Oh,
I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him." "That's
$1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???" "Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"
March 25, 2014 Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing. They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion. The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage. The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage." The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage." The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."
March 24, 2014 A
little boy was asked whether he was excited about the new baby his mother was
expecting. "Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call it Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"
March 23, 2014 Tuesday:
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I
didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper. Wednesday:
Today Tom asked for salad again so I tried a new recipe. It said prepare
ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I
was rolling around in the garden.. Thursday:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and
beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back,
everything was the same as when I left. Friday:
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it
for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps
counting to ten. Saturday:
Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger.
Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the
controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. Sunday: This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
March 22, 2014 A
man who had been stranded on a deserted island for two years was at last found.
The media accompanied the rescue team, and when they arrived that saw that the
man had built three huts. When asked what the huts represented, the man
explained. "Well,
this hut is my home. And that hut over there is where I go to
church." The
reporters seemed moved by the revelation that he had a place of worship. But
then one asked, "What is that hut over there?" "That's where I *used* to go to church!"
March 21, 2014 Two
elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree
when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm
just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim
says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!?
Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
March 20, 2014 Four-year-old
Lizzie was in the pediatric ward to get her shots. "NO!
NO! NO!" she screamed. "Lizzie,"
her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior." So the child yelled, even louder: "NO, THANK YOU!! NO, THANK YOU!!"
March 19, 2014 A
preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the
river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine
in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
March 18, 2014 A
group of Americans was touring Ireland. One
of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold.
The accommodations are awful. The
group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good
luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the
guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be
able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We
can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other
boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone." "Well
now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has
kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And
I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
March 17, 2014 An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, and the other in Australia, and I am here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
March 16, 2014 "Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can
you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?" "Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."
March 15, 2014 Heather
and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The
talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that
there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was
beaming about the new man she had found. "He's
perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the
four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!" "He
said 'Will you marry me'?" Marcy asked. Heather replied, "No, he said 'Put your money away'."
March 14, 2014 Why
do drug stores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get
their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front? Why
do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke? Why
do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters? Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?
March 13, 2014 To
tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. If
the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But
if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really
hard. If
the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If
the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. Of
course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog
outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather. Sincerely,
March 12, 2014 Bubba and Bo, two good ole boys, were sitting' on the front porch when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by. "I'm
gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba. "Do
what?" asked Bo. "Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.
March 11, 2014 Trying to Attract Some Attention From
the deck of a cruise ship, a passenger saw a small island with a bearded man
shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who
is that?" the passenger asked the steward. "I've no idea. Every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."
March 10, 2014 A Very Tight Lipped Confession 'Bless
me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The
priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes,
Father, it is.' 'And
who was the girl you were with?' 'I
can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well,
Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me
now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I
cannot say.' 'Was
it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll
never tell.' 'Was
it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm
sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was
it Cathy Piriano?' 'My
lips are sealed Father.' 'Well
then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please,
Father, I cannot tell you.' The
priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But
you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey
walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd
you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'
March 9, 2014 An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor who was able to fit for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The
elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can
hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
March 8, 2014 A
mom was concerned about her Kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want
his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some
independence, but yet know that he was safe. So,
she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please
follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably
wouldn't notice her. She
said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way
for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed. The
next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy
as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the
whole week. As
the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend
noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.
Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to
school all week? Do you know her"? Timmy
nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is." The
friend said, "Well, who is she"? "That's
just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied. "And her daughter Marcy." "Shirley
Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us"? "Well," Timmy explained. "Every night, my mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, because she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
March 7, 2014 Arthur
filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and
driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He
stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost. Well,
he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same
thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since
even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure
enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on,
and it went into place with a satisfying click. "Great," Arthur thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks..."
March 6, 2014 While
working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to
take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She
was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the
canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false
teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
March 5, 2014
March 4, 2014
March 3, 2014 A
Young Person's Explanation of God One
of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die,
so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make
grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That
way He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk.
He can just leave that to mothers and fathers. God's
second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on,
since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God
doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears
everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has
thought of a way to turn it off. God
sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty
busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head
asking for something they said you couldn't have. Atheists
are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in my town. At
least there aren't any who come to our church. Jesus
is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and
performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn
about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified
Him. But He was good and kind, like His father, and He told His father that they
didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K. His
dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth
so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in
heaven. So He did. And now He helps His dad out by listening to prayers and
seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can
take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more
important. You
can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it
worked out so one of them is on duty all the time. You
should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's
anybody you want to make happy, it's God! Don' t skip church to do something you
think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the
sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway. If
you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely,
because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It
is good to know He's around you when you're scared, in the dark or when you
can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But...you
shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here
and He can take me back anytime He pleases. And...that's why I believe in God.
March 2, 2014 A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said, "No thanks - I don't drink. I tried it once but I didn't like it!" So the bartender said, "Well would you like a cigarette?" But the man said, "No, I don't smoke. I tried it once but I didn't like it!" The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No I don't like pool; I tried it once but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son." The bartender said, "Your only son, I presume?"
March 1, 2014 A
couple of Southern Good 'ole Boys loved to fish, so they wanted to try ice
fishing. They'd
took off up to Canada and found a nice, big frozen lake with a little bait shop
nearby where they got all their tackle - including a sturdy ice pick. About
an hour later, one of them was back at the shop and bought another ice pick. In
another hour the air-head was back, and said, "We're going to need all the
ice picks you got." The
bait man said, "Well, OK -- How are you doing out there?" "Not very well at all," said the air-head. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."
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