Dans Daily
Jokes On You


April, 2014

The Perfect Dress  Little Johnny Another Wife
Making Babies  Cured! Tractors
The Message Special Recipe Do You Know Me?
The Wizard Filing for Divorce Anger Management
The Preacher Played Hooky Diagnosis Dad's Calling
The Italian Golfer Forgive Us Yes, Dear...
Need For Speed Witnessing a Baptism We May Be Too Late
Out To Dinner Exam Anxiety Throwing Away Garbage
New Submarine Ensign Grandpa's Plan Three Bears 









April 30, 2014

Three Bears

Three guys are out fishing, and when they get back to their truck, they see it's surrounded by three bears:

"OK guys, I figure the only way to get to the truck is to get these bears really angry. Then they'll leave and we can go home. So, Ed, you take the one on the left, the little cub with the broken leg, and I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw, and Joe, you take the one on the right, the huge silvertip mama grizzly bear with blood-encrusted claws, the big teeth, and froth around the mouth"

"Hey, man wait a sec, I'm supposed to get this monster angry, and you guys get the cubs ? That's not fair!"

"Now, now, Joe. We all have our bears to cross."


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April 29, 2014

Grandpa's Plan

A police car pulled up in front of grandma's house, and grandpa got out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh papa," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, he whispered, "I wasn't lost mama... I was just too tired to walk home."


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April 28, 2014

New Submarine Ensign

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School. 

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir,' it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."


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April 27, 2014

Throwing Away Garbage

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn't find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.

Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, "Hey you, what are you doing?"

"I have to throw this away," replied the tourist.

"You can't throw it away here. Look, follow me," the policeman offered.

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "dump all the garbage you want."

The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.

"Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.

"No. This is the American Embassy."


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April 26, 2014

Exam Anxiety

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.

The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?"

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me!"


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April 25, 2014

Out To Dinner

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.

Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches


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April 22, 2014


Pupil: "Teacher, can a fellow be punished for something he hasn't done?"

Teacher: "No, of course not."

Pupil: "That's good, because I haven't done my homework."


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April 21, 2014

We May Be Too Late

One hot sunny summer day, Tim and Don decided to go and spend the day fishing at the lake. They sat on the dock, enjoying the perfect weather and watching a speed boat pulling a water skier back and forth across the lake.

Tim and Don, being friendly sorts, waved at the skier but when the skier tried to wave back he lost his hold on the tow line and went down hard.

The two friends jumped to their feet in horror and waited for the skier to surface. But the skier's life jacket came up without him. Feeling responsible for the fall, Tim and Don both dove in and swam out to try and save him.

After several fruitless dives they finally found the body lying on the bottom of the lake and pulled him to shore. They started CPR, Tim doing compressions and Don giving mouth to mouth.

All of the sudden, Don stopped blowing and started to gag.

Tim, noticing Don had stopped, yelled, "Why are you stopping?! We have to save this guy!"

Don replied, "The guy WAS water skiing right?"

"Well yeah. We both saw him. Why?"

"Because THIS guy is wearing ice skates..."


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April 20, 2014

Witnessing a Baptism

A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five-year-old daughter.

As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five-year-old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked with all the innocence of a five-year-old, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"


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April 19, 2014

Need For Speed

I live in a small town where the maximum speed limit is about 35.

I took my 5-year-old son with me one day to run errands around town. As we were getting back in the truck to come home, my son happened to look at the speedometer. He asked me if 100 was fast.

I just grinned and told him that 100 mph was indeed fast.

Then with the most serious expression, he asked me, "Can we do that on the way home?"


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April 18, 2014

Yes, Dear...

Two husbands, Jon and Keith, were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.

Then Keith said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."

"Wow!" said Jon, "How do you manage that?"

"It's easy," replied Keith,"My last words are always 'Yes, Dear.'"


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April 17, 2014

Forgive Us

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."


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April 16, 2014

The Italian Golfer

Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.

I have a glass of vino, and all is well.' 

 "'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

 'Who said my Father's dead?'

 The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

 'He's 100 years old,' says Silvio. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

 'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

 'Who said my Nonno's dead?'

 Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted  to get married?"


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April 15, 2014

Dad's Calling

Visiting his parents’ retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk.

Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. After a while, Tim’s father returned from his walk and called out, "I’m ready to leave."

Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You’re a kid?"


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April 14, 2014


I went to the doctor and said, 'Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'.

He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.

'Is it common?' I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied. 


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April 13, 2014

The Preacher Played Hooky

A certain preacher awoke to perfect golfing weather one Sunday morning. It had been either cold, raining, or too windy for a couple of months and, as he thought it over, the temptation was just too great. He called up one of his deacons and told him, "You all are going to have to cover for me today. I have to go out of town on urgent business."

He felt a little bit guilty as he drove to another town, but the birds were singing, the sun was shining, the sky was bright blue, there was no wind at all, and the temperature was just perfect, so he found ways to justify his absence "just this once."

As he stepped up to the first tee, St. Peter said to the Lord, "Look. Isn't that one of your men on that golf course? And on a Sunday?"

The Lord said, "Don't worry, I'll take care of him."

The preacher hit a perfect drive, in fact the best he'd ever hit in his life. It soared about 250 yards, bounced twice, hit the green, and rolled right into the cup! St. Peter looked at the Lord, but he didn't say anything.

The preacher was ecstatic as he quickly teed up for the second hole, where his shot was just as good. He'd made another hole in one -- the second one in his life!

At that St. Peter turned to the Lord, "I thought you said you would take care of him," he demanded.

"I did," answered the Lord. "Who's he going to tell?" 


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April 12, 2014

Anger Management

My younger brother, I explained to a friend, had quite a temper as a boy. Our parents had tried extra love, attention and patience on him, with little success. Then, in the middle of one of his tantrums, they simply handed him a shovel, pointed to the backyard and instructed him to go out and dig and not come back until he had control of his anger.

“Apparently,” I said, “the therapy worked, because he’s turned out very nicely.”

“What does he do for a living?” my friend asked.

“He builds in-ground swimming pools.” 


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April 11, 2014

Filing for Divorce

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

The farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."


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April 10, 2014

The Wizard

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


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April 9, 2014

Do You Know Me?

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!" 


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April 8, 2014

Special Recipe

My friend lived her boyfriend and one of his friends and usually cooked dinner for everyone.

One night she suggested that one of the boys cook dinner for a change and the friend agreed.

So he decided to cook sausages, veggies and mashed potato. He asked if it was okay if he added cheese to the mashed potatoes.

She said no worries. So when dinner was served they started eating. She could not taste the cheese and asked him if he added it.

He said, "Yeah but most of it drained out with the water after they were cooked."


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April 7, 2014

The Message

My dentistry patients are called and reminded the day before their scheduled appointments.

During an office visit, one man was in an especially good humor and explained why. “My staff kids me about the high opinion I have of myself,” he said. “Yesterday your receptionist left a message that had them in stitches.”

He related the memo his secretary had handed him: “Your crown is ready.


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April 6, 2014


A little girl was watching her daddy repair his tractor.

She asked her mother, "What happens to old tractors when they finally stop working?"

Sighing, her mother answered: "Someone sells them to your father, dear."


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April 5, 2014


Joe went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said. "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I'm sure that there's somebody under it. I haven't slept in a week. I'm going crazy."

"Come to me three times a week and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge"?

"A hundred dollars per visit."

Six months later, the doctor met Joe on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again"?

"A bartender cured me for $10. He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"


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April 4, 2014

Making Babies

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."


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April 3, 2014

Another Wife

At a pre-birth class for couples who had already had at least one child, the instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child.

"Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what would you say if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much, I decided to bring home another wife?'"

One of the women immediately responded, "Does she cook?"


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April 2, 2014

Little Johnny

Little Johnny called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."


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April 1, 2014

The Perfect Dress

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother. Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind, sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear...I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.

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