April 30, 2014
guys are out fishing, and when they get back to their truck, they see it's
surrounded by three bears:
guys, I figure the only way to get to the truck is to get these bears really
angry. Then they'll leave and we can go home. So, Ed, you take the one on the
left, the little cub with the broken leg, and I'll take the one in the middle,
the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw, and Joe, you take the one on the
right, the huge silvertip mama grizzly bear with blood-encrusted claws, the big
teeth, and froth around the mouth"
man wait a sec, I'm supposed to get this monster angry, and you guys get the
cubs ? That's not fair!"
"Now, now, Joe. We all have our bears to cross."
April 29, 2014
police car pulled up in front of grandma's house, and grandpa got out.
polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in
the park and couldn't find his way home.
papa," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30
years! So how could you get lost?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, he whispered, "I wasn't lost mama... I was just too tired to walk home."
April 28, 2014
new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young
boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir,' it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."
April 27, 2014
American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large
supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long
search, he just couldn't find any place to discard of it. So, he just went
down one of the side streets to dump it there.
April 26, 2014
young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the
next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them.
Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight
in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor
announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the
common name, habitat, genus and species.
student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He
began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify
birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.
he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said,
"What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by
looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the
professor's desk and walked to the door.
professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every
student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called,
"Mister, what's your name?"
The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me!"
April 25, 2014
attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.
they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat
your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches
April 22, 2014
"Teacher, can a fellow be punished for something he hasn't done?"
"No, of course not."
Pupil: "That's good, because I haven't done my homework."
April 21, 2014
hot sunny summer day, Tim and Don decided to go and spend the day fishing at the
lake. They sat on the dock, enjoying the perfect weather and watching a speed
boat pulling a water skier back and forth across the lake.
and Don, being friendly sorts, waved at the skier but when the skier tried to
wave back he lost his hold on the tow line and went down hard.
two friends jumped to their feet in horror and waited for the skier to surface.
But the skier's life jacket came up without him. Feeling responsible for the
fall, Tim and Don both dove in and swam out to try and save him.
several fruitless dives they finally found the body lying on the bottom of the
lake and pulled him to shore. They started CPR, Tim doing compressions and Don
giving mouth to mouth.
of the sudden, Don stopped blowing and started to gag.
noticing Don had stopped, yelled, "Why are you stopping?! We have to save
replied, "The guy WAS water skiing right?"
yeah. We both saw him. Why?"
"Because THIS guy is wearing ice skates..."
April 20, 2014
father is in church with three of his young children, including his
was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly
witness the service.
this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny
infant. The little five-year-old girl was taken by this, observing that he was
saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked with all the innocence of a five-year-old, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"
April 19, 2014
live in a small town where the maximum speed limit is about 35.
took my 5-year-old son with me one day to run errands around town. As we were
getting back in the truck to come home, my son happened to look at the
speedometer. He asked me if 100 was fast.
just grinned and told him that 100 mph was indeed fast.
Then with the most serious expression, he asked me, "Can we do that on the way home?"
April 18, 2014
husbands, Jon and Keith, were discussing their married lives. Although happily
married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
Keith said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have
the last word."
said Jon, "How do you manage that?"
"It's easy," replied Keith,"My last words are always 'Yes, Dear.'"
April 17, 2014
minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was
short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the
block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
April 16, 2014
an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed
at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great
Italian and I am a golfer,' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old
was your Father when he died?'
said my Father's dead?'
doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive.
How old is he?'
100 years old,' says Silvio. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then
we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why
he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How
about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
said my Nonno's dead?'
the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still
living! Incredible, how old is he?'
118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with
you this morning too?'
Nonno couldn't go this morning
because he's getting married today.'
this point the doctor is close to losing it 'Getting married? Why would a 118
year- old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to get married?"
April 15, 2014
his parents’ retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went
for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk.
struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old
boy. After a while, Tim’s father returned from his walk and called out,
"I’m ready to leave."
Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You’re a kid?"
April 14, 2014
went to the doctor and said, 'Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass
said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.
'Is it common?' I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
April 13, 2014
certain preacher awoke to perfect golfing weather one Sunday morning. It had
been either cold, raining, or too windy for a couple of months and, as he
thought it over, the temptation was just too great. He called up one of his
deacons and told him, "You all are going to have to cover for me today. I
have to go out of town on urgent business."
felt a little bit guilty as he drove to another town, but the birds were
singing, the sun was shining, the sky was bright blue, there was no wind at all,
and the temperature was just perfect, so he found ways to justify his absence
"just this once."
he stepped up to the first tee, St. Peter said to the Lord, "Look. Isn't
that one of your men on that golf course? And on a Sunday?"
Lord said, "Don't worry, I'll take care of him."
preacher hit a perfect drive, in fact the best he'd ever hit in his life. It
soared about 250 yards, bounced twice, hit the green, and rolled right into the
cup! St. Peter looked at the Lord, but he didn't say anything.
preacher was ecstatic as he quickly teed up for the second hole, where his shot
was just as good. He'd made another hole in one -- the second one in his life!
that St. Peter turned to the Lord, "I thought you said you would take care
of him," he demanded.
"I did," answered the Lord. "Who's he going to tell?"
April 12, 2014
younger brother, I explained to a friend, had quite a temper as a boy. Our
parents had tried extra love, attention and patience on him, with little
success. Then, in the middle of one of his tantrums, they simply handed him a
shovel, pointed to the backyard and instructed him to go out and dig and not
come back until he had control of his anger.
I said, “the therapy worked, because he’s turned out very nicely.”
does he do for a living?” my friend asked.
“He builds in-ground swimming pools.”
April 11, 2014
farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
attorney asked, "May I help you?"
farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a
farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or
farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A
The farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with
The farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
April 10, 2014
old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been
living with for the last 40 years.
Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were
used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
April 9, 2014
small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a
trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs.
Jones, do you know me?"
April 8, 2014
friend lived her boyfriend and one of his friends and usually cooked dinner for
night she suggested that one of the boys cook dinner for a change and the friend
he decided to cook sausages, veggies and mashed potato. He asked if it was okay
if he added cheese to the mashed potatoes.
said no worries. So when dinner was served they started eating. She could not
taste the cheese and asked him if he added it.
He said, "Yeah but most of it drained out with the water after they were cooked."
April 7, 2014
dentistry patients are called and reminded the day before their scheduled
an office visit, one man was in an especially good humor and explained why.
“My staff kids me about the high opinion I have of myself,” he said.
“Yesterday your receptionist left a message that had them in stitches.”
He related the memo his secretary had handed him: “Your crown is ready.
April 6, 2014
little girl was watching her daddy repair his tractor.
asked her mother, "What happens to old tractors when they finally stop
Sighing, her mother answered: "Someone sells them to your father, dear."
April 5, 2014
went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said. "I've got trouble. Every
time I get into bed, I'm sure that there's somebody under it. I haven't slept in
a week. I'm going crazy."
to me three times a week and I'll cure your fears."
much do you charge"?
hundred dollars per visit."
months later, the doctor met Joe on the street.
didn't you ever come to see me again"?
"A bartender cured me for $10. He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
April 4, 2014
second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma,
guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's
interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
April 3, 2014
a pre-birth class for couples who had already had at least one child, the
instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child.
parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring
another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what would you
say if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much, I
decided to bring home another wife?'"
One of the women immediately responded, "Does she cook?"
April 2, 2014
Johnny called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had
broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.
April 1, 2014
wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even
her parent's nasty divorce.
mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed
week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife
had bought the exact same dress as her mother. Jennifer asked her father's new
young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a
million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind, sweetheart. I'll get
another dress. After all, it's your special day."
few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her
mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you
going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where
you could wear it."
mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear...I'm wearing it to
the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.