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Welcome
May, 2014
May 31, 2014 A
policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your
eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man replies, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
May 30, 2014 Hank
was not too bright. Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped
by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money. Finally,
Hank decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and
then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again. He joined
a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself. So,
one day, on the way home from work Hank took his old route home and sure enough
there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued. The next afternoon
Hank went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip. His
instructor, shocked, asked him what happened. "Well," explained Hank, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!"
May 29, 2014 An
area minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish, while and presenting
the children's message. Seems
the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so
his message centered on how each of us is called of God to help make up the
whole picture of life. Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little
panels of glass to make the whole picture. And
then he said, "You see, each of you is a little pane." And
then pointing to each child individually, "You're a little pane. And you're
a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..." It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing.
May 28, 2014 The
department manager is a wise, friendly old man, and one day, during an interview
in his office he was asked, "Sir, what is the secret of your success?"
He
said, "Two words." "And,
sir, what are they?" "Right
decisions." "But
how do you make right decisions?" "One
word." He responded. "And,
sir, what is that?" "Experience."
"And
how do you get experience?" "Two
words." "And,
sir, what are they?" "Wrong decisions."
May 27, 2014 Suzanne
was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it
in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her, "Why did you cut off the end of
the ham"? She
replied, "I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you
were supposed to." Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she
cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I
really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it." A
few weeks later, while visiting her grandmother, Suzanne asked, "Grandma,
why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?" Her grandmother replied, "Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."
May 26, 2014 A
small boy is sent to bed by his mother. [Five
minutes later] "Mom." "What?" "I'm
thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?" "No.
You had your chance. Lights out." [Five
minutes later] "Mom." "What?" "I'm
thirsty. Can I please have a glass of water?" "I
told you no! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!" [Five
minutes later] "Mommm." "WHAT?!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?"
May 25, 2014 The
doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the
other end of the line. "We
need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll
be right over," whispered the doctor. As
he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "There are three doctors there already!"
May 24, 2014 A
barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the
haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The
next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
May 23, 2014 A
Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No,"
replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms.
May 22, 2014 One
day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way
and no longer needed God. They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they
were done with Him. The
scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer
need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous
things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God
listened patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done
talking, God said, "Very well! How about this? Let's have a man making
contest." To
which the man replied, "OK, great!" But
God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days
with Adam." The
scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a
handful of dirt. God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
May 21, 2014 My
job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from nine
holes to 18 holes. Using
a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club
that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I
picked it up and continued on. When
I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe.
I had a machete in one hand and a golf club in the other. And behind me was a
clear cut swath leading out of the woods. "There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
May 20, 2014 Things
You'll Never Hear a Mother Say -
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?" -
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too." -
"Just leave all the lights on. It makes the house look more cheery." -
"Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week." -
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him
everyday." -
"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me." -
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running
a prison around here." -
"I don't have a tissue with me, just use your sleeve." - "Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve."
May 19, 2014 A
business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager.
He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He
asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two? The
first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two." The
second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the
answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The
next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commissioner
of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four. The
last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is
two and two?" The
accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came
back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice.... "How
much do you want it to be?" He got the job.
May 18, 2014 The
scandals over how large companies have been cooking the books reminds me of a
basic accounting course I took years ago. The
professor was explaining an accounting method called First In, Last Out, which
is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff. It explains
why the oil industry, for example, reported huge profits during the 1970s, when
the oil shortage occurred. They
stopped buying oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in
the One
of the students put up his hand and said, "Excuse me, sir, but that doesn't
sound very ethical to me." To which the professor replied, "You're in the wrong class, son. This is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is down the hall."
May 17, 2014 Three
elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The
doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three"? "274,"
came the reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says
to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday,"
replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third
man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine,"
says the third man. "That's
great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
May 16, 2014 A
woman was having her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with
diamond earrings and necklace, a big emerald ring, and a gold brooch with
rubies." "But
you are not wearing any of those things," he replied. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife should go crazy looking for the jewelry."
May 15, 2014 The
teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers. "Yes,"
he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good.
What comes after three"? "Four,"
answers the boy. "What
comes after six"? "Seven." "Very
good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after
ten"? "A jack," says the little boy.
May 14, 2014 My
father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community
college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During
the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up and he mentioned that, on
average, most machines contain only about $1,500 at a given time. Just
then, a man in the back raised his hand. "I'm not trying to be disrespectful," he told my father, "but the machine I robbed had about $3,000 in it."
May 13, 2014 While
Jen was dining out with her children, a man came over to her table and they
started talking. He
asked where her kids go to school. She told him she home-schools them. With
a raised eyebrow, he asked if her husband is the sole breadwinner for her
family. She
said, "No, she also works, out of their home." Then,
noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a
baby, and he wondered what hospital Jen's son was born in. "He
was born at home," She answered. The man looked at her, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you"?
May 12, 2014 A
musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and
talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally,
before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his
instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument,
and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
May 11, 2014 My
niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen about his or her
life, so she asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened
during your childhood?" "I'd
have to say the moonwalk," I replied. She looked disappointed. "That dance was that important to you?"
May 10, 2014 A
man walked into the tax collector's office and sat down and smiled at everyone. "May
I help you?" said the clerk in charge. "No," said the man. "I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years."
May 9, 2014 A
very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he's sitting down, he hears the man next to
him tell the bartender, "I'll have another waterloo." The
bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then asks the newcomer what
he would like to drink. Thinking the other man's drink may be a specialty of the
house, he says, "I'll have a waterloo, too." "Hey,"
he says. "This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!" The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water. Right, Lou"?
May 8, 2014 Doug
was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three
hours. Bill
interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish.
You're lucky if it weighed 10 pounds!" Doug replied, "Well, a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."
May 7, 2014 The
owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return.
He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why
don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a
dog. Everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days
a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's
not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these
deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you -- we also deliver."
May 6, 2014 A
string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender
says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The
string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top
of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The
bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?" The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
Cinco de Mayo, 2014 Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun? What's a golf gun?' 'I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.'
May 4, 2014 Two
gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were
out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the
end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At
the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched as they checked
her meter. Finishing
the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a
footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could
outrun a younger one. As
they came tearing up to the truck, they realized the lady of that end house was
huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her
what was wrong. "When I saw two gas men running as hard as you were," gasped the woman, "I figured I'd better run, too!"
May 3, 2014 A
Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six
year olds. Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
May 2, 2014 Derek
was walking through the woods when he came to a river. He walked long the bank
for a while looking for a way to get across. After
a while he spotted someone else on the opposite bank, so he called out,
"How do I get to the other side?" The other person yelled back, "You ARE on the other side!"
May 1, 2014 A
man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says,
"Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell
me all the good things you've done and I give you a certain number of points for
each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get
in."
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