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May, 2014

The Point System  Getting To The Other Side The Ten Commandments 
Run! Murder Investigation Oh, Boo!
I. R. S. Audit The Big Catch Waterloo
The Tax Collector The Moonwalk Drummed Out Of Here
A Night Out I Hate To Correct You, But... Learning Numbers
Paint me with Diamonds  Good Memory The Wrong Class
The Right Stuff  Things You'll Never Hear a Mother Say Devoted Golfer
The Contest Noah Free Haircuts 
Quite Serious MOM! Grandma's Recipe
Secret of Success Little Panes The Black Belt 
Have You Been Drinking

 


 

 

 

 

May 31, 2014

Have You Been Drinking

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man replies, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?" 

 

May 30, 2014

The Black Belt

Hank was not too bright. Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.

Finally, Hank decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself.

So, one day, on the way home from work Hank took his old route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued. The next afternoon Hank went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.

His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.

"Well," explained Hank, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!" 

 

May 29, 2014

Little Panes

An area minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish, while and presenting the children's message.

Seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called of God to help make up the whole picture of life. Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.

And then he said, "You see, each of you is a little pane."

And then pointing to each child individually, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."

It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing.

 

May 28, 2014

Secret of Success

The department manager is a wise, friendly old man, and one day, during an interview in his office he was asked, "Sir, what is the secret of your success?"

He said, "Two words."

"And, sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"But how do you make right decisions?"

"One word." He responded.

"And, sir, what is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get experience?"

"Two words."

"And, sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions." 

 

May 27, 2014

Grandma's Recipe

Suzanne was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her, "Why did you cut off the end of the ham"?

She replied, "I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to." Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."

A few weeks later, while visiting her grandmother, Suzanne asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"

Her grandmother replied, "Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."

 

May 26, 2014

MOM!

A small boy is sent to bed by his mother.

[Five minutes later]

"Mom."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later]

"Mom."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can I please have a glass of water?"

"I told you no! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!"

[Five minutes later]

"Mommm."

"WHAT?!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?"

 

May 25, 2014

Quite Serious

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "There are three doctors there already!" 

 

May 24, 2014

Free Haircuts

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do Godís work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

 

May 23, 2014

Noah

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms.

 

May 22, 2014

The Contest

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well! How about this? Let's have a man making contest."

To which the man replied, "OK, great!"

But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

 

May 21, 2014

Devoted Golfer

My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from nine holes to 18 holes.

Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand and a golf club in the other. And behind me was a clear cut swath leading out of the woods.

"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"

 

May 20, 2014

Things You'll Never Hear a Mother Say

- "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

- "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

- "Just leave all the lights on. It makes the house look more cheery."

- "Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week."

- "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him everyday."

- "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

- "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

- "I don't have a tissue with me, just use your sleeve."

- "Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve." 

 

May 19, 2014

The Right Stuff

A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commissioner of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?"

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice....

"How much do you want it to be?"

He got the job.

 

May 18, 2014

The Wrong Class

The scandals over how large companies have been cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course I took years ago.

The professor was explaining an accounting method called First In, Last Out, which is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff. It explains why the oil industry, for example, reported huge profits during the 1970s, when the oil shortage occurred.

They stopped buying oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in the
1930s at 20Ę a barrel. They, of course, sold it at current market prices, which accounted for their huge profits.

One of the students put up his hand and said, "Excuse me, sir, but that doesn't sound very ethical to me."

To which the professor replied, "You're in the wrong class, son. This is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is down the hall."

 

May 17, 2014

Good Memory

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test.

The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three"?

"274," came the reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three"?

"Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

 

May 16, 2014

Paint me with Diamonds

A woman was having her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings and necklace, a big emerald ring, and a gold brooch with rubies."  

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife should go crazy looking for the jewelry."

 

May 15, 2014

Learning Numbers

The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three"?

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six"?

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten"?

"A jack," says the little boy.

 

May 14, 2014

I Hate To Correct You, But...

My father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up and he mentioned that, on average, most machines contain only about $1,500 at a given time.

Just then, a man in the back raised his hand.

"I'm not trying to be disrespectful," he told my father, "but the machine I robbed had about $3,000 in it."

 

May 13, 2014

A Night Out

While Jen was dining out with her children, a man came over to her table and they started talking.

He asked where her kids go to school. She told him she home-schools them.

With a raised eyebrow, he asked if her husband is the sole breadwinner for her family.

She said, "No, she also works, out of their home."

Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital Jen's son was born in.

"He was born at home," She answered.

The man looked at her, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you"?

 

May 12, 2014

Drummed Out Of Here

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

 

May 11, 2014

The Moonwalk

My niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen about his or her life, so she asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?"

"I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied.

She looked disappointed. "That dance was that important to you?"

 

May 10, 2014

The Tax Collector

A man walked into the tax collector's office and sat down and smiled at everyone.

"May I help you?" said the clerk in charge.

"No," said the man. "I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years."

 

May 9, 2014

Waterloo

A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he's sitting down, he hears the man next to him tell the bartender, "I'll have another waterloo."

The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Thinking the other man's drink may be a specialty of the house, he says, "I'll have a waterloo, too."

The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink and the customer takes a big drink.

"Hey," he says. "This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"

The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water. Right, Lou"?

 

May 8, 2014

The Big Catch

Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it weighed 10 pounds!"

Doug replied, "Well, a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."

 

May 7, 2014

I. R. S. Audit

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for  the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a  dog. Everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three  days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you -- we also deliver."

 

May 6, 2014

Oh, Boo!

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

 

Cinco de Mayo, 2014

Murder Investigation

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.  'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun? What's a golf gun?' 

'I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.'

 

May 4, 2014

Run!

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched as they checked her meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came tearing up to the truck, they realized the lady of that end house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.

"When I saw two gas men running as hard as you were," gasped the woman, "I figured I'd better run, too!"

 

May 3, 2014

The Ten Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

 

May 2, 2014

Getting To The Other Side

Derek was walking through the woods when he came to a river. He walked long the bank for a while looking for a way to get across.

After a while he spotted someone else on the opposite bank, so he called out, "How do I get to the other side?"

The other person yelled back, "You ARE on the other side!"

 

May 1, 2014

The Point System

A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

 "Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her and loved her deep in my heart."

 "That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth two points."

 "Two points!?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."

 "Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."

 "One point!?!! Well, I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

 "Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

 "Two points!?!! Exasperated, the man cries, "At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."

 "Bingo! 100 points! Come on in!"