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Welcome
June, 2014
June 30, 2014
A
man fell into a pit and couldn't get himself out... ~
A subjective person came along and said, "I feel for you down there." ~
An objective person walked by and said, "It's logical that someone would
fall down there." ~
A Pharisee said, "Only bad people fall into pits." ~
A mathematician calculated how deep the pit was. ~
A news reporter wanted the exclusive story on the pit. ~
An IRS agent asked if he was paying taxes on the pit. ~
A self-pitying person said, "You haven't seen anything until you've seen my
pit." ~
A fire-and-brimstone preacher said, "You deserve your pit." ~
A Christian Scientist observed, "The pit is just in your mind." ~
A psychologist noted, "Your mother and father are to blame for your being
in that pit." ~
A self-esteem therapist said, "Believe in yourself and you can get out of
that pit." ~
An optimist said, "Things could be worse." ~
A pessimist claimed, "Things will get worse." Jesus, seeing the man, took him by the hand and lifted him out of the pit.
June 29, 2014 A
young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side
burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.
The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong
turns. Eventually,
a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in
sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. The
diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in
place. Taking
out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he
preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great
beyond in style. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
June 28, 2014 I thought a thought. But the thought I
thought wasn’t the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had
been the thought I thought, I wouldn’t have thought so much.
June 27, 2014 ~
Hi. Now you say something. ~
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you
are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up. ~
Hello. I'm around now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I
will call you up as soon as I find it. ~
I can't answer the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to
people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving
my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks. ~
Hi. I'm probably around, but I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you. ~
This is not voicemail. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the
tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can
reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. ~
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now.
You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions.
When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name,
number, and a message. ~ Roses are red, Violets are cheap, Leave your message After the beep.
June 26, 2014 Due
to a job transfer, Brian moved from his hometown to New York City. Being that he
had a very complicated health history, he brought along all of his medical
paperwork and sent it to the doctor's office. Then came time for his first check up with his new doctor. After browsing through the extensive medical history, the Doctor stared at Brian for a few moments and said, ” Well there’s one thing I can say for certain, you sure look better in person than you do on paper!”
June 25, 2014
There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him. The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man says, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"
June 24, 2014 Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life." From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda
June 23, 2014 As
the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the
stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"
June 22, 2014 Taste
Test On
the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their
teacher. The
florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said,
"I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!" Then
the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. "That's
right!" shouted the little girl. "No,"
the boy answered. The
teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she
asked. Finally,
the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
June 21, 2014 A
woman went on a tour of the White House.
As
the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large
aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past.
"My, what was that"? exclaimed the woman.
"Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.
June 20, 2014 After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that?! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home, he remembered his wife didn't like his father. So, he hung it in the barn and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So, that's the ugly woman he's runnin' around with.
June 19, 2014
The math teacher saw that little Andy wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Andy! What are 4, 2, 28, and 44?"
Little Andy quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, MTV and the Cartoon Network!"
June 18, 2014 Three older ladies were discussing the trials of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm sure glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood." She raps her knuckles on the table, then she, says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."
June 17, 2014 The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased. What an honest man he was, what a loving husband and kind father he had been. The widow, meanwhile was ever so slightly shaking her head, as she intently listened to the preacher's words. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Erica, honey, go on up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa in there."
June 16, 2014
A
three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the
doctors office.
He
inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She
replied, "I'm having a baby."
With
big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She
answered, "He sure is."
Then
the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"
June 15, 2014
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She
asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded
and bleeding, what would you do?" A
thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw
up."
June 14, 2014 Stopping to pick up my daughter from Kindergarten, I found out that the topic of "Show and Tell" that day had been parents' occupations. The
teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, "You might want to
explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living."
I
work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference
rooms. When I asked why, the teacher explained, "Your daughter told the class she wasn't sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels."
June 13, 2014 The farmer stood in his chicken yard watching hundreds of baby chicks running here and there. He kept pointing to them and trying to count them.
"One, two, three, four, five, six,... oh, no..." then he would start over, "one, two, three, four, and,... oh, no." Then he'd start over again. Finally he said, "I give up. They say don't count your chickens before they hatch but it sure is easier to do that than it is to count them after they hatch."
June 12, 2014 Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."
June 11, 2014 Ralphie
was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read
in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"
June 10, 2014 A
man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that
rottweiler outside?" "Yeah,
I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?" "Well,
I think my chihuahua just killed him..." "What
are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could
your little runt kill my rottweiler?" "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"
June 9, 2014 "Look
at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every
morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups and walk two miles. I'm fit as a
fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up
late, and I don't chase after women!" He
smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to
celebrate my 95th birthday!" "Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"
June 8, 2014 A
man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that
dog in here." "You
don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can
talk." "Listen,
pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a
hundred bucks." The
man puts the dog on a stool and asks him, "What's on top of a house"? "Roof!" "Right.
And what's on the outside of a tree"? "Bark!" "And
who's the greatest baseball player of all time"? "Ruth!" "I
guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in
twenties." The
bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "just get out of
here." As
soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you
think I should have said DiMaggio"?
June 7, 2014 The
shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up
next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
June 6, 2014 An
American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy
when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person
can fall down on a sidewalk in your country and then sue the landowners for lots
of money?" Told
that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly
in Italian. When
they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to
practice law. "No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."
June 5, 2014 A
visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear
Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned
face, "without You, we are but dust." He would have continued, but at that moment, my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust"?
June 4, 2014 During
a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was
that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well,"
said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a
teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub." "Oh,
I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. "No," said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window"?
June 3, 2014 My
husband grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend
studied in her room late one evening. Finally,
losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her
boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong. "I
have to ask you to move your car," my husband told him. "Oh,
sure. Is it in someone's way"? "No," he replied. "It's parked in the wrong driveway."
June 2, 2014 When
the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged,
but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for
him. "Guess
what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit
we've had so long!" "Do
you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted thing?" the manager
asked. "That's
the one!" That's
great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me... why
is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
June 1, 2014 Andy
and Tim had been lost in the desert for weeks, and they were at death's door. As
they stumbled on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something
similar, they suddenly spotted, through the heat's haze, a tree off in the
distance. As
they got closer, they could see that the tree was draped with strip after strip
of bacon. There was smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon—all sorts. "My
goodness, Tim," cries Andy, "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!" "You're
right!" replies Tim, who started running on ahead right up to the tree,
salivating at the prospect of food. But
as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there was the sound of machine gun
fire, and he was wounded in a hail of bullets. Andy
quickly dropped down on the sand, and called across to his the injured friend. "Tim,
Tim! What happened?" "Arrrgh... it wasn't a bacon tree, it was a Ham Bush."
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