Dans Daily
Jokes On You


July, 2014

Speeding Ticket Leftovers Again Pearly Gates
Nervous Patient Parking Ticket Good School District
Life After Death Kids Theories of Science... Stick-Up
Beating The System Definitions Restaurant Report Card
A Wife Asks Her Husband... The Letter The Army Cadet
Dog Haircut Acceptance Testing Rough Sketch
Is Mike There Anchors Aweigh Take A Brake
Airplane! Mood Ring Car Trouble 
Finding an Old Friend Return Visit Ohio 
Three Kick Rule The Test Fish Story 
 Runs In The Family





July 31, 2014

Runs In The Family

As Joan was getting to know Kyle and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other. "They're so thoughtful," Joan said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."

After a time, Joan and Kyle were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Joan again remarked on Kyle's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed. "Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"


"It sure does," replied Kyle. "And I take after my mom."


July 30, 2014

Fish Story

Fisherman: "Let me tell you about the 30 pound bass I caught!  Darn thing fought for three hours before I finally landed it."


Friend: "Wait, I saw the picture you posted online -- you're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."


Fisherman: "Well, a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."


July 29, 2014

The Test

Brian reported for his final exam which consisted of Yes / No answers.

He took his seat in the examination hall, stared at the test, and then in a bit of inspiration, took a quarter out of his pocket. He started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for heads and "No" for tails.


Within 30 minutes he was all done whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out. During the last few minutes of the exam period, Brian frantically started flipping the coin again.

The moderator, concerned about what he was doing, stopped by his desk and asked if everything was ok.


"Oh yes, I'm fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago—but," explaining the frantic coin tossing, "I'm going back thru and checking my answers!"

July 28, 2014

Three Kick Rule

A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you're not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this with the Scottish Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule"?

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.

The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can keep the duck!"


July 27, 2014


A stamp was issued in 2003 honoring the one hundredth anniversary of the first flight by the Wright Brothers.


The first man in powered flight was from Ohio.

The first man ever to orbit Earth was from Ohio.


And the first man on the moon was from Ohio.


It sounds to me that a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio.


July 26, 2014

Return Visit

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."


July 25, 2014

Finding an Old Friend

At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail address in the company directory and sent him a message.

When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back another e-mail that said, "I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that noticeable!"


His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo, had read, "Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut that looked like you in the cafeteria."


July 24, 2014

Car Trouble

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."


HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "


WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."


HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"


WIFE: "In the pool"


July 23, 2014

Mood Ring

While out shopping with my seven year-old daughter, I bought her a mood ring. After she put it on, she asked what purple meant. I told her it meant happy and pointed out that she was really happy to get her ring.

She continued to watch her ring for color changes.


A while later we were in the garden section of a store and it was taking me a while to find what my husband needed. My daughter looked at her ring and asked, "What color is impatient?"


July 22, 2014


While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Goodness!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.


The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.


His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.


Each crew member attached the package to their backs.


"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"


The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"


"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."


July 21, 2014

Take A Brake

One day this mechanic was working late under a car and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting" he thought.

Next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a little more today."

His friend got a little concerned but didn't say anything.

Next day he told about drinking a cup full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! Think I'll have some more today." And so he did.

A few days later he was up to a bottle a day, and told his friend "This brake fluid is really great stuff."

His friend was now really worried. "You know that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that stuff."

"Hey, no problem," he said, "I can stop any time."


July 20, 2014

Anchors Aweigh

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir."


"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"


"Throw out another anchor, sir."


"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?"


"Throw out another anchor."


"Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors from?"


"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."


July 19, 2014

Is Mike There

Debby punched in her boyfriend's new phone number -- and a woman answered.


"Is Mike there?" asked Debby, confused.


"Umm, he's in the shower," the woman responded.


"Please tell him his girlfriend called," Debby said and hung up.


When he didn't return the call, Debby dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.


"You're not my boyfriend!" exclaimed Debby.


"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."


July 18, 2014

Rough Sketch

Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau.


The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like.


On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.


July 17, 2014

Acceptance Testing

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.


"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question No. 5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"


July 16, 2014

Dog Haircut

A woman took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged.

"I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!" she said.


The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite, do you?"


July 15, 2014

The Army Cadet

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge. No sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army, I'd never stand in another line!"


July 14, 2014

The Letter

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly, she looked up suspiciously at her husband.


"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you"?


"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell convenience, so I made it risk."


July 13, 2014

A Wife Asks Her Husband...

A wife asks her husband, "Please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."


A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.


The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"


He replied, "They had avocados."


If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again. Men will get it the first time.


My work is done here.


July 12, 2014

Restaurant Report Card

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean!


The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."


"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!


July 11, 2014


Jamie asked his dad to explain the difference between irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

His father picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. When the phone was answered, he asked, "Can I speak to Rolf, please?"

"No! There's no one named Rolf here," replies the person who answered the phone.

The father hung up. "That, my boy, is irritation."

He picked up the phone again, dialed the same number, then asked for Rolf a second time. "No, there's no one here called Rolf. Go away. If you call again I'm calling the cops," the person said.

The father hung up and said, "That's aggravation."

"Then what's frustration?" asked Jamie. The father picked up the phone and dialed the same number a third time.

"Hello, this is Rolf. Have I received any phone calls?"


July 10, 2014

Beating The System

Two country truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to a low bridge.


A sign says, "Clearance: 11' 2".


So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it's 11' 6".

So the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go for it!"


July 9, 2014


Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.


They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.


July 8, 2014

Kids Theories of Science...

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound. 


July 7, 2014

Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.


"That's good," the boss said.


"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."


July 6, 2014

Good School District

Both Lake Washington (Renton, WA) and Bellevue districts are noted for their support of home schoolers. One day a woman called looking for information on what she would need to do to home school. 

The Bellevue spokesperson was explaining procedures and what to do to the mother on the telephone.

Among other things, the mother needed to file a declaration of intent, a kind of home school registration. The spokeswoman offered to send out the proper form.

The mother gave a Renton address.

The spokeswoman suggested registering the children in her home district in Renton, the Lake Washington School District.

"No way," said the mother. "Everyone knows Bellevue schools are much better than Renton schools."


July 5, 2014

Parking Ticket

Recently in traffic court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed policeman had given his okay for the man to park there.


The judge asked the man if he would recognize the officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.


The judge then said, "Good. When you see the officer again, tell him he owes you $157. Next."


July 4, 2014

Nervous Patient

I was very scared about going to the eye doctor to get a certain procedure done on my eyes.

The doctor tried to put me at ease but to no avail.

It was after he finished with my first eye that I nearly jumped out of the chair.

“There there”, he said “only one eye left!”


July 3, 2014

Pearly Gates

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!” 


“Wow that’s impressive!!" “When did this happen?” 


“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.


July 2, 2014

Leftovers Again

“Oh no! not leftovers again!” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last night's supper.

“Young lady” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now before we start eating I want to hear you say grace thanking the Lord for this delicious meal!”


“Thank you Lord for this delicious supper”, muttered my sister submissively “….again!”


July 1, 2014

Speeding Ticket

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."