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Welcome
July, 2014
July 31, 2014 As Joan was getting to know Kyle and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other. "They're so thoughtful," Joan said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning." After
a time, Joan and Kyle were engaged, and then married. On the way from the
wedding to the reception, Joan again remarked on Kyle's loving parents, and even
the coffee in bed. "Tell me," she said, "does it run in the
family?"
"It sure does," replied Kyle. "And I take after my mom."
July 30, 2014 Fisherman:
"Let me tell you about the 30 pound bass I caught! Darn thing fought
for three hours before I finally landed it." Friend:
"Wait, I saw the picture you posted online -- you're lucky if it even
weighed 10 pounds." Fisherman: "Well, a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."
July 29, 2014 Brian reported for his final exam which consisted of Yes / No answers. He
took his seat in the examination hall, stared at the test, and then in a bit of
inspiration, took a quarter out of his pocket. He started tossing the coin and
marking the answer sheet "Yes" for heads and "No" for tails.
Within 30 minutes he was all done whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out. During the last few minutes of the exam period, Brian frantically started flipping the coin again. The
moderator, concerned about what he was doing, stopped by his desk and asked if
everything was ok.
"Oh yes, I'm fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago—but," explaining the frantic coin tossing, "I'm going back thru and checking my answers!"
July 28, 2014 A
big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped
a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As
the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and
asked the lawyer what he was doing. The
lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm
going to retrieve it." The
old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you're not coming over
here." The
indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and
if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you
own. The
old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in
Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this with the Scottish Three Kick
Rule." The
lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule"? The
farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me
three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up." The
attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could
easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The
old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin,
which dropped him to his knees. His
second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face. The
lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly
causing him to give up, but didn't. The
lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said,
"Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can keep the duck!"
July 27, 2014 A
stamp was issued in 2003 honoring the one hundredth anniversary of the first
flight by the Wright Brothers. The first man in powered flight was from Ohio. The
first man ever to orbit Earth was from Ohio.
And
the first man on the moon was from Ohio. It sounds to me that a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio.
July 26, 2014 A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
July 25, 2014 At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail address in the company directory and sent him a message. When
Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back another e-mail that said,
"I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that
noticeable!"
His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo, had read, "Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut that looked like you in the cafeteria."
July 24, 2014 WIFE:
"There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND:
"Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous " WIFE:
"I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND:
"You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the
car?" WIFE: "In the pool"
July 23, 2014 While out shopping with my seven year-old daughter, I bought her a mood ring. After she put it on, she asked what purple meant. I told her it meant happy and pointed out that she was really happy to get her ring. She
continued to watch her ring for color changes.
A while later we were in the garden section of a store and it was taking me a while to find what my husband needed. My daughter looked at her ring and asked, "What color is impatient?"
July 22, 2014 While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Goodness!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!" Other
passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was
rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The
passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain
order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from
the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.
His
words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and
they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he
grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the
flight attendants.
Each
crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say,"
spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The
pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there
was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
July 21, 2014 One day this mechanic was working late under a car and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting" he thought. Next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a little more today." His
friend got a little concerned but didn't say anything. Next day he told about drinking a cup full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! Think I'll have some more today." And so he did. A few days later he was up to a bottle a day, and told his friend "This brake fluid is really great stuff." His friend was now really worried. "You know that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that stuff." "Hey, no problem," he said, "I can stop any time."
July 20, 2014 A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" "Throw
out an anchor, sir."
"What
would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw
out another anchor, sir."
"And
if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?"
"Throw
out another anchor."
"Hold
on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors
from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."
July 19, 2014 Debby
punched in her boyfriend's new phone number -- and a woman answered. "Is
Mike there?" asked Debby, confused. "Umm,
he's in the shower," the woman responded. "Please
tell him his girlfriend called," Debby said and hung up. When
he didn't return the call, Debby dialed again. This time a man answered.
"This is Mike," he said. "You're
not my boyfriend!" exclaimed Debby. "I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
July 18, 2014 Artist
Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau. The
intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of
what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.
July 17, 2014 Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." "And
why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the
rejected applicant. We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager. "And
just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected
applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question No. 5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
July 16, 2014 A woman took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged. "I
only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!" she said.
The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite, do you?"
July 15, 2014 A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge. No sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army, I'd never stand in another line!"
July 14, 2014 Mrs.
Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly, she looked up suspiciously at
her husband.
"Henry,"
she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't
accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What
does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her
own convenience. You did write, didn't you"?
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell convenience, so I made it risk."
July 13, 2014 A
wife asks her husband, "Please go shopping for me and buy one carton of
milk and if they have avocados, get 6." A
short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The
wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He
replied, "They had avocados." If
you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again. Men will get it the
first time. My work is done here.
July 12, 2014 Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant. "I
was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so
clean!
The
kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt
anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!
July 11, 2014 Jamie asked his dad to explain the difference between irritation, aggravation, and frustration. His father picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. When the phone was answered, he asked, "Can I speak to Rolf, please?" "No! There's no one named Rolf here," replies the person who answered the phone. The father hung up. "That, my boy, is irritation." He picked up the phone again, dialed the same number, then asked for Rolf a second time. "No, there's no one here called Rolf. Go away. If you call again I'm calling the cops," the person said. The father hung up and said, "That's aggravation." "Then what's frustration?" asked Jamie. The father picked up the phone and dialed the same number a third time. "Hello, this is Rolf. Have I received any phone calls?"
July 10, 2014 Two
country truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to a low bridge.
A sign says, "Clearance: 11' 2".
So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it's 11' 6". So the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go for it!"
July 9, 2014 Two
guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their
money.
They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
July 8, 2014 When
they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But
when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
July 7, 2014 "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes,
sir," the clerk replied.
"That's
good," the boss said.
"After
you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to
see you."
July 6, 2014 Both Lake Washington (Renton, WA) and Bellevue districts are noted for their support of home schoolers. One day a woman called looking for information on what she would need to do to home school. The
Bellevue spokesperson was explaining procedures and what to do to the mother on
the telephone.
July 5, 2014 Recently
in traffic court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that
a uniformed policeman had given his okay for the man to park there. The
judge asked the man if he would recognize the officer if he ever saw him again,
and the man replied that he would. The judge then said, "Good. When you see the officer again, tell him he owes you $157. Next."
July 4, 2014 I was very scared about going to the eye doctor to get a certain procedure done on my eyes. The doctor tried to put me at ease but to no avail. It was after he finished with my first eye that I nearly jumped out of the chair. “There there”, he said “only one eye left!”
July 3, 2014 A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?” The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”
“Wow that’s impressive!!" “When did this happen?”
“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
July 2, 2014 “Oh no! not leftovers again!” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last night's supper. “Young
lady” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love
to have a delicious supper like this?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now
before we start eating I want to hear you say grace thanking the Lord for this
delicious meal!”
“Thank you Lord for this delicious supper”, muttered my sister submissively “….again!”
July 1, 2014 "What
am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed
him a speeding ticket.
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