Dans Daily
Jokes On You


August, 2014

Be a Good Boy Diet Rules Haunted Castle
Senior Citizens Shopping List The Patch
Senior Citizen's Senior Moments Not What It Seemed
Write It Down Senior Marriage Requirements Doctor's Orders
Fifty Bucks is Fifty Bucks 60th High School Reunion What's The Difference?
Shopping List What a Card! Perplexed Father
Three Sisters Washing Instructions Dear Dad
Need To Know In Eleven Minutes The Tiny Cabin
Who's the Boss? Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Mosquitoes
The Sunbather The Shoebox How Many?
Field Trip










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August 31, 2014

Field Trip

A young teacher in the UK wanted to introduce her class to the delights of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert at the Royal Albert Hall.

To make the occasion even more memorable she treated everyone to lemonade, cakes, chocolates and ice cream.


Just as they were getting back into the coach to go home, she said to little Sally, `Have you enjoyed yourself today?'


'Oh yes,' said Sally. `It was lovely except for the music, that is!'


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August 30, 2014

How Many?


How many personal injury lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


Three! One lawyer to change the bulb...


the second to shake him off the ladder...


and the last lawyer to sue the ladder company.


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August 29, 2014

The Shoebox

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.


 For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. 

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'


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August 28, 2014

The Sunbather

An ardent traveler named Joan spent most of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.


She wore a swimsuit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly started when she heard someone running up the stairs; Joan was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.


"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered hotel manager, out of breath from dashing up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."


"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."


"Not exactly," said the manager. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."


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August 27, 2014


We had huge mosquitoes on our summer vacation.
I've seen big mosquitoes before, but these had their own landing strip.

I got bitten by so many mosquitoes during my vacation,
when I finally got home I had to have a friend come over to help me scratch.


The mosquitoes on our vacation were so big that insect repellent didn't bother them.
They'd just carry you down to the stream and wash it off.


The mosquitoes on our summer vacation were so big they not only bit you,
they also knocked you down and stole your wallet.

On our vacation this summer, I saw fireflies for the first time.
I didn't know what they were. I thought the mosquitoes were coming after us with flashlights.


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August 26, 2014

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work in my Volvo 1800 leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila



Dear Sheila:

An 1800 stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum lines and hoses on the in-take manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.



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August 25, 2014

Who's the Boss?

While having their evening dinner together, a little girl looked up at her father and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?"


The father was very pleased to hear it and confidently replied, "Yes my little princess."


The girl then continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"


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August 24, 2014

The Tiny Cabin

 A very serious, dedicated social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the mountains of West  Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.  Intrigued she went up and knocked on the door.

“Anybody home?” she asked.

“Yep,” came a kid’s voice through the door.


“Is your father there?” asked the social worker.


“Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in.” said the kid.


“Well, is your mother there?” persisted the social worker.


“Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,” said the kid.


“But”, protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to  intervene in this situation) 


”Are you never together as a family?”;


“Sure, but not here,” said the kid through the door”.  This is the outhouse!”.


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August 23, 2014

In Eleven Minutes

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And, her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!


The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks: 'And her, what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies:' She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'



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August 22, 2014

Need To Know

A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.

“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”


“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.


“ …Which bus would I take home?”

To The Top

August 21, 2014

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

To The Top

August 20, 2014

Washing Instructions

I decided to make myself useful and do a load of the family laundry. When I took the clothes out of the machine, I discovered — to my dismay — that I had also washed the watch my wife had given me while we were dating.

"Don't expect me to replace it," she said later with an obvious lack of sympathy.


By the time Father's Day rolled around, however, she had relented and gave me a beautiful new watch. Attached was a note with this stipulation: "DRY-CLEAN ONLY!"


To The Top

August 19, 2014

Three Sisters

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"


The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"


The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. 


She then replies, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."


To The Top

August 18, 2014

Perplexed Father


Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.


After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.


When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.


"Here's the problem," the doctor said. "He needs a change."


The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"


To The Top

August 17, 2014

What a Card!

Father's Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one.


When I looked back, Tyler was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way. 


"Tyler, what are you doing?" I asked. "Haven't you found a nice card for Daddy yet?"


"No," he replied. "I'm looking for one with money in it."


To The Top

August 16, 2014

Shopping List

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.

Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers


To The Top

August 15, 2014

What's The Difference?

First guy: What’s the difference between a piano, a tuna and a pot of glue?


Second guy: I don’t know.


First Guy: You can tuna piano but you can’t piano a tuna.


Second Guy: What about the glue.


First Guy: I knew you’d get stuck on that one.


To The Top

August 14, 2014

60th High School Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.


This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table and the widow smiling coyly back at him.


Finally, he picked up courage and blurted out, "Will you marry me?"


After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes ... yes I will!"


The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say yes? Or did she say no? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. So with fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.


First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say yes or did you say no?"


"Why you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will! ... And I meant it with all my heart."


The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.


Then she continued, "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!"


To The Top

August 13, 2014

Fifty Bucks is Fifty Bucks

Danny and his wife Kathy go to the state fair every year. And every year Danny would say, "Kathy, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."


Kathy always replied, "I know Danny, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"


One year Danny and Kathy went to the fair, and Danny said, "Kathy, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."


To this, Kathy replied, "Danny, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."


The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."


Danny and Kathy agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word.


When they landed, the pilot turned to Danny and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"


Danny replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Kathy fell out. But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"


To The Top

August 12, 2014

Doctor's Orders

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


To The Top

August 11, 2014

Senior Marriage Requirements

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Do I know her?'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


To The Top

August 10, 2014

Write It Down

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


To The Top

August 9, 2014

Not What It Seemed

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


To The Top

August 8, 2014

Senior Moments

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


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August 7, 2014

Senior Citizen's

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' 


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August 6, 2014

The Patch

Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol' time.

The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car, so he pulls over.

The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!"

"No," the driver says, "Just do this. Pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking."

So, they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads.

The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking"?

The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "We're on the patch, trying to quit."


To The Top

August 5, 2014

Shopping List

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."


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August 4, 2014

Senior Citizens


Three elderly men are walking through the park.


The first says, "It sure is windy."


The second responds, "No it isn't, it's Thursday."


The third says, "I am too. Let's get something to drink."


To The Top

August 3, 2014

Haunted Castle

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle.


At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.


"Don't worry," says the guide. "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."


"How long is that?" asks the girl.


"About three hundred years."


To The Top

August 2, 2014

Diet Rules

"I never eat food containing unnatural coloring or preservatives, or sprayed vegetables, or meat that has been pumped with hormones or similar, unnatural growth-enhancing stuff."


Well, how do you feel?

"Very hungry."


To The Top

August 1, 2014

Be a Good Boy

One morning while a locksmith had come to change the locks in my house, I realized I had to run a few errands. I turned to him, a sweet older man, and said I was heading out. As I got to the front door, I noticed my sad faced dog staring at me from the living room.

"I love you, sweet boy," I said. "Now, you be good, okay?"


From the other room, I heard a voice answer, "Okay."


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