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Welcome
August, 2014
August 31, 2014 A young teacher in the UK wanted to introduce her class to the delights of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert at the Royal Albert Hall. To
make the occasion even more memorable she treated everyone to lemonade, cakes,
chocolates and ice cream.
Just
as they were getting back into the coach to go home, she said to little Sally,
`Have you enjoyed yourself today?'
'Oh yes,' said Sally. `It was lovely except for the music, that is!'
August 30, 2014
How
many personal injury lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three!
One lawyer to change the bulb...
the
second to shake him off the ladder...
and the last lawyer to sue the ladder company.
August 29, 2014 A
man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared
everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each
other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her
closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For
all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the
little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. 'When
we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy
marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you,
I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
August 28, 2014 An
ardent traveler named Joan spent most of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of
her hotel.
She
wore a swimsuit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could
see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
started when she heard someone running up the stairs; Joan was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse
me, miss," said the flustered hotel manager, out of breath from dashing up
the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would
very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What
difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me
up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the manager. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
August 27, 2014 We
had huge mosquitoes on our summer vacation. I
got bitten by so many mosquitoes during my vacation,
The
mosquitoes on our vacation were so big that insect repellent didn't bother them.
The
mosquitoes on our summer vacation were so big they not only bit you, On
our vacation this summer, I saw fireflies for the first time.
August 26, 2014 Why
Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear
Walter: I
hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work in my Volvo 1800
leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more
than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my
husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years. Can
you please help? ~~~
Dear
Sheila: An
1800 stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of
faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel
line. If it is clear, check the vacuum lines and hoses on the in-take manifold
and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the
problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery
pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
August 25, 2014 While
having their evening dinner together, a little girl looked up at her father and
asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?"
The
father was very pleased to hear it and confidently replied, "Yes my little
princess."
The girl then continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"
August 24, 2014 A
very serious, dedicated social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently
transferred to the mountains of West Virginia and was on the first
tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever
seen in her life. Intrigued she went up and knocked on the door. “Anybody home?” she asked. “Yep,”
came a kid’s voice through the door.
“Is
your father there?” asked the social worker.
“Pa?
Nope, he left afore Ma came in.” said the kid.
“Well,
is your mother there?” persisted the social worker.
“Ma?
Nope, she left just afore I got here,” said the kid.
“But”, protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation)
”Are
you never together as a family?”;
“Sure, but not here,” said the kid through the door”. This is the outhouse!”.
August 23, 2014 A
State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly
midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light
brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he
sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He
immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
The
trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
August 22, 2014 A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were. “Daddy,
if the tigers got out and ate you up…”
“Yes,
son?” the father asked, ready to console him.
“ …Which bus would I take home?”
August 21, 2014 Dear
Dad, Dear
Son,
August 20, 2014 I decided to make myself useful and do a load of the family laundry. When I took the clothes out of the machine, I discovered — to my dismay — that I had also washed the watch my wife had given me while we were dating. "Don't
expect me to replace it," she said later with an obvious lack of sympathy.
By the time Father's Day rolled around, however, she had relented and gave me a beautiful new watch. Attached was a note with this stipulation: "DRY-CLEAN ONLY!"
August 19, 2014 Three
sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the
96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses. She yells down the
stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The
94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out, "Was I going up the
stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
August 18, 2014
Soon
after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he
could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so
worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After
the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop
crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the
diaper area. When
he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full. "Here's
the problem," the doctor said. "He needs a change." The
father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it's good for up to
10 pounds!"
August 17, 2014
When I looked back, Tyler was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way.
"Tyler,
what are you doing?" I asked. "Haven't you found a nice card for Daddy
yet?"
"No," he replied. "I'm looking for one with money in it."
August 16, 2014 My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items. Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers
August 15, 2014 First
guy: What’s the difference between a piano, a tuna and a pot of glue?
Second
guy: I don’t know.
First
Guy: You can tuna piano but you can’t piano a tuna.
Second
Guy: What about the glue.
First Guy: I knew you’d get stuck on that one.
August 14, 2014 He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
This
60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with
two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high with the
widower throwing admiring glances across the table and the widow smiling coyly
back at him.
Finally,
he picked up courage and blurted out, "Will you marry me?"
After
about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes ... yes I
will!"
The
evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was
troubled. Did she say yes? Or did she say no? He couldn't remember. Try as he
would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous
evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the
life of him he could not recall her response. So with fear and trepidation, he
picked up the phone and called her.
First,
he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed
the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her,
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say yes or did you say
no?"
"Why
you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will! ... And I meant it with all my
heart."
The
widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued, "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!"
August 13, 2014 Danny
and his wife Kathy go to the state fair every year. And every year Danny would
say, "Kathy, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Kathy
always replied, "I know Danny, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And
fifty bucks is fifty bucks!" One
year Danny and Kathy went to the fair, and Danny said, "Kathy, I'm 75 years
old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." To
this, Kathy replied, "Danny, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty
bucks is fifty bucks." The
pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll
take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and
don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty
dollars." Danny
and Kathy agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers,
but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But
still not a word. When
they landed, the pilot turned to Danny and said, "By golly, I did
everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Danny replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Kathy fell out. But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"
August 12, 2014 Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A
couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really
doing great, aren't you?' Morris
replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'' The
doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be
careful.'
August 11, 2014 A
senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
August 10, 2014 Couple
in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a
checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they
might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
August 9, 2014 Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
On
the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I
don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out
of her hospital gown.'
August 8, 2014 An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
August 7, 2014 Two
elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree
when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just
full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim
says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!?
Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
August 6, 2014 Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol' time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car, so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "Just do this. Pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking." So, they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking"? The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "We're on the patch, trying to quit."
August 5, 2014 My
wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked
around and couldn't find any.
August 4, 2014
Three
elderly men are walking through the park. The
first says, "It sure is windy." The
second responds, "No it isn't, it's Thursday." The third says, "I am too. Let's get something to drink."
August 3, 2014 A
young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle.
At
the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being
a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and
passages.
"Don't
worry," says the guide. "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've
been here."
"How
long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years."
August 2, 2014 "I
never eat food containing unnatural coloring or preservatives, or sprayed
vegetables, or meat that has been pumped with hormones or similar, unnatural
growth-enhancing stuff."
Well, how do you feel? "Very hungry."
August 1, 2014 One morning while a locksmith had come to change the locks in my house, I realized I had to run a few errands. I turned to him, a sweet older man, and said I was heading out. As I got to the front door, I noticed my sad faced dog staring at me from the living room. "I
love you, sweet boy," I said. "Now, you be good, okay?"
From the other room, I heard a voice answer, "Okay."
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