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Welcome
September, 2014
September 30, 2014 Honey!” screamed my wife, running outside to my bike once again, “did you double check that Herbie’s seat is attached securely?!” “Yeah
let me check that just one more time” I muttered, checking the seat for what
must have been the tenth time.
“OK”,
I said nervously, to my two year old Herby, “are you ready for your first bike
ride?”
“Let me just check your helmet again…perfect ..now your knee pads.. good… now your elbow pads.. perfect.” And with that, I lifted my foot to get on top of the bike, and nailed my two year old smack in the jaw!
September 29, 2014 A
physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged
to the oldest of the three professions represented.
September 28, 2014 An Akita went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The
clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words
here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
September 27, 2014 A
father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to
test it out at dinner one night. The
father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The
son says, "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. The son
says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad
asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son
says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son
says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching movies with topless women."
Dad
says, "What? At your age I would never have done anything like that."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.
September 26, 2014 An
Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof.
Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The
clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words
here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
September 25, 2014 A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?"
The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now it’s my turn: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The
genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over
the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the
answer to your question?"
The idiot hands over $5.
September 24, 2014 "The
Fourth of July weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the
opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. “We live in a great
country,” she said.
“One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.”
One
little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his
hands on his hips and said. . . . “I’m not free. I’m four.”
September 23, 2014 One
year, Jim's family was having the "extended family" 4th of July
cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of
the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had
bought out of state (they're illegal in their state, of course!) Upon
arrival and meeting of their cousin's neighbor, it is discovered that he's a
police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Jim, and whispers to
him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them
somewhere quickly. Jim disappears, and the father changes the topic to food for
the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells them
the gas grill is all set to use out back - just turn on the gas and push the
ignition button with the lid still closed. They
head out to the back as Jim comes back in through the front door. The father
hurries to him and says "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer,
and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?" "Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"
September 22, 2014 Teacher:
“True or False? The Declaration of Independence was written in
Philadelphia.” Where
was the Declaration of Independence signed? Why
did Paul Revere ride from Boston to Lexington? What
did King George think of the American colonist?
September 21, 2014 Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He
walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states,
and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40
names. Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names
of all the states.
One lad raised his hand and said, 'Yes Father, but in those days there were only 13 states.
September 20, 2014
What
do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin
PI
What
do you call a bear with no teeth? A
gummy bear.
Why
did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crummy.
September 19, 2014 I
was carpooling with my friend Craig, he noticed that the "Check oil"
light was on. He pulled into the gas station, got out of the car, opened the
hood, checked the engine oil, closed the hood, then got back into the car.
"Can
we make a quick stop?" He asked.
"Sure,"
I replied, "what did you need to do?"
"I
need to stop by the auto parts place to get a longer dipstick?"
"What
do you need a longer one for?" I enquired.
"Because the one I got isn't long enough to reach the oil!"
September 18, 2014 Jolene
had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted
they were an extravagance.
Then
she went to visit her mother for two weeks and when she returned, she was
overjoyed to find that her husband had surprised her by installing beautiful new
cabinets.
A few days later, a neighbor came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "All of us were so glad the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the kitchen."
September 17, 2014 While
watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the
two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of
them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said. "I can't hear." "I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation!"
September 16, 2014 My
girlfriend called me from her car after she had arrived at an appointment. I
could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally, she said,
"I know I had my cell phone with me and now, I can't find it!"
I
replied, "Aren't you talking on it?"
There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in, followed by, "You are not going to tell anybody about this!"
September 15, 2014 On
the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to
go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
September 14, 2014 One
lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing.
Ben
slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He maintains his positive attitude
though and grabs his 8-iron, while proceeding down the embankment into the
ravine in search of his ball. He trudges diligently through the thick underbrush
and suddenly, he spots something shiny.
As
he gets closer, he realizes the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands
of a skeleton, which has obviously been lying near an old golf ball for a number
of years.
Ben
excitedly calls out to his golfing partner, "Hey Thomas, come here. I've
got big trouble down here."
Thomas
comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the
matter Ben"?
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice, "Better throw me my 7-iron! Something tells me I won't be getting out of here with an 8-iron."
September 13, 2014 The
teacher looked over her third grade class and happened to notice her two
students, Eddie and Dan giggling and talking during her lesson.
"Well,
since you two are obviously listening so well, let's see if you can answer this
one!" The teacher said with a smirk on her face, almost knowing that the
two children would not know the answer to the question.
"What
is the proper name to use when referring to a cow that has just given
birth?" There
was a moment of silence, then a little hand was raised.
"Dan?
You know the answer?" asked the puzzled teacher.
"Umm...
yeah!" He replied with a not-too-sure look on his face.
"Well, let's hear it." "You would call her de-calfenated!"
September 12, 2014 Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon. "You're
in luck," said the surgeon. "I am an expert in re-attaching limbs.
Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation."
So
Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, "I did it faster than I
expected. Jon is down at the pub."
Sam
rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.
A
few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut
off his leg. Sam
put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon.
"Legs
are harder," said the surgeon, "but I'll see what I can do—come back
in six hours."
Sam
returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early, John's out
playing soccer." Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes. A
few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally
cut off his own head. Sam
put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon,
confident that the skillful surgeon would do the job.
"Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach," the surgeon muttered, "but I'll see what I can do—come back in 12 hours." Sam
returned in 12 hours. "How
did it go, Doc?" he asked.
"I'm sorry. John died," the surgeon replied, "He suffocated in the plastic bag,"
September 11, 2014 At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax. One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained. When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?" "Well," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."
September 10, 2014
There
was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages
from head to toe. I said to him, "What do you do for a living?" He
said, "I'm a former window washer." I
asked, "When did you give it up?" He replied, "Halfway down."
September 9, 2014
Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague. We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes. One day, she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes, which was one of her husband's favorites. "I've finally been able to make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make them orange?"
September 8, 2014 John Jones, the head of the company asked his manager to write a detailed employment review describing Bob Smith, one of his programmers. 1.
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found Signed
...
A
memo was soon sent following the letter:
John,
September 7, 2014 The
town founder had passed away and the whole town turned out, as did his family
who arrived from all over the globe. This threw the mortuary into an uproar.
They had some employees doing two or three jobs and others switching jobs to get
everything done.
After the chapel services, all the members of the funeral party piled into the different cars for the drive to the cemetery. The procession was very long, and one group of family members, not knowing their way, decided to ask the driver how much further it would be. The patriarch tapped the driver on the shoulder, and said, "Pardon me....." The
driver let out a scream and turned with a grimace of horror to see who had
tapped him. In doing so, he drove the car into the ditch and through a farmer's
fence, almost overturning it.
After calming everyone down, the driver somberly explained, "I'm so sorry for what happened, but you see, I usually drive the hearse."
September 6, 2014 A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday. His
wife told him, "Tomorrow, there better be something in the driveway for me
that goes from zero to 200 in under 10 seconds."
The next morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
September 5, 2014 When Ted was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave he noticed a man, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away. The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly, "Why
did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again.
Ted
was overcome with emotion at this sight and went over to the poor man to try and
console him.
"Why
did you die? Why did you die?" bellowed the man again and again.
Ted
gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My
Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours buried
here?"
"No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband."
September 4, 2014 A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's
quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house
and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also
paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused, "How do you start a flood?"
September 3, 2014
A
couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers have doubts
about their suitability. So
they produce photos of their 50 foot motor home, the back half of which is a
beautifully equipped nursery. The
social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided. "We've
employed an fulltime tutor who'll teach the child all the subjects along with
Mandarin and IT skills." There
are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing. "Our
fulltime nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet," they reply. The
social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were hoping
to adopt. "It doesn't really matter," they say, "so long as he fits nicely into the cannon.".
September 2, 2014
One
Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the
church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small
American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring
at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little
boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
September 1, 2014 A
rope goes into a diner and orders lunch. The waitress says, "Hey! Aren't
you a rope?! We don't serve ropes here!" The rope replies, "No! I'm a frayed knot..."
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