Dans Daily
Jokes On You


September, 2014

The Diner One Question So Long As He Fits
How'd You Manage That? Grief Stricken Zero to 200
Backseat Driver Just Business Sweet Potatoes
Career Change  Nice To See You Again The Surgeon
Straight Answer A Day of Golf First Day of Kindergarten
Lost Cell Phone Private Conversation Kitchen Fire
Quick Stop Riddles Geography Lesson
History Quiz Hiding Place Happy 4th
The Genius The Telegram The Robot
The Telegram  The Oldest Profession Safety Check






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September 30, 2014

Safety Check

Honey!” screamed my wife, running outside to my bike once again, “did you double check that Herbie’s seat is attached securely?!”

“Yeah let me check that just one more time” I muttered, checking the seat for what must have been the tenth time.


“OK”, I said nervously, to my two year old Herby, “are you ready for your first bike ride?”


“Let me just check your helmet again…perfect ..now your knee pads.. good… now your elbow pads.. perfect.” And with that, I lifted my foot to get on top of the bike, and nailed my two year old smack in the jaw! 



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September 29, 2014

The Oldest Profession

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.

The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"


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September 28, 2014

The Telegram

An Akita went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”


“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”


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September 27, 2014

The Robot

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.


The son says, "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."


Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"


Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.


Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching movies with topless women."


Dad says, "What? At your age I would never have done anything like that." The robot slaps the father.


Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.


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September 26, 2014

The Telegram

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”


The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”


“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”


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September 25, 2014

The Genius

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000."

The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" 


The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now it’s my turn: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"

The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"


The idiot hands over $5.


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September 24, 2014

Happy 4th

"The Fourth of July weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. “We live in a great country,” she said.


“One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.” 


One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said. . . .  

“I’m not free. I’m four.”


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September 23, 2014

Hiding Place

One year, Jim's family was having the "extended family" 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they're illegal in their state, of course!)

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor's plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic - they even had extra food to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!"

Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin's neighbor, it is discovered that he's a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Jim, and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Jim disappears, and the father changes the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells them the gas grill is all set to use out back - just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They head out to the back as Jim comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"

"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"


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September 22, 2014

History Quiz

Teacher: “True or False? The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia.”
Student: “False. It was written in ink.”

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
On the bottom.

Why did Paul Revere ride from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry.

What did King George think of the American colonist?
He thought they were revolting!


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September 21, 2014

Geography Lesson

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.


One lad raised his hand and said, 'Yes Father, but in those days there were only 13 states.


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September 20, 2014



What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin PI


What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.


Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Because he felt crummy.


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September 19, 2014

Quick Stop

I was carpooling with my friend Craig, he noticed that the "Check oil" light was on. He pulled into the gas station, got out of the car, opened the hood, checked the engine oil, closed the hood, then got back into the car.


"Can we make a quick stop?" He asked.


"Sure," I replied, "what did you need to do?"


"I need to stop by the auto parts place to get a longer dipstick?"


"What do you need a longer one for?" I enquired.


"Because the one I got isn't long enough to reach the oil!"


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September 18, 2014

Kitchen Fire

Jolene had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance.


Then she went to visit her mother for two weeks and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that her husband had surprised her by installing beautiful new cabinets.


A few days later, a neighbor came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "All of us were so glad the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the kitchen."


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September 17, 2014

Private Conversation

While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder.

"Excuse me," I said. "I can't hear."

"I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation!"



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September 16, 2014

Lost Cell Phone

My girlfriend called me from her car after she had arrived at an appointment. I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally, she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me and now, I can't find it!"


I replied, "Aren't you talking on it?"


There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in, followed by, "You are not going to tell anybody about this!"


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September 15, 2014

First Day of Kindergarten

On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."


A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"


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September 14, 2014

A Day of Golf

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing.


Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He maintains his positive attitude though and grabs his 8-iron, while proceeding down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. He trudges diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly, he spots something shiny.


As he gets closer, he realizes the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton, which has obviously been lying near an old golf ball for a number of years.


Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner, "Hey Thomas, come here. I've got big trouble down here."


Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Ben"?


Ben shouts back in a nervous voice, "Better throw me my 7-iron! Something tells me I won't be getting out of here with an 8-iron." 


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September 13, 2014

Straight Answer

The teacher looked over her third grade class and happened to notice her two students, Eddie and Dan giggling and talking during her lesson.


"Well, since you two are obviously listening so well, let's see if you can answer this one!" The teacher said with a smirk on her face, almost knowing that the two children would not know the answer to the question.


"What is the proper name to use when referring to a cow that has just given birth?"

There was a moment of silence, then a little hand was raised.


"Dan? You know the answer?" asked the puzzled teacher.


"Umm... yeah!" He replied with a not-too-sure look on his face.


"Well, let's hear it."

"You would call her de-calfenated!"


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September 12, 2014

The Surgeon

Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon.

"You're in luck," said the surgeon. "I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation."


So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, "I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub."


Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.


A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg.

Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon.


"Legs are harder," said the surgeon, "but I'll see what I can do—come back in six hours."


Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early, John's out playing soccer."

Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head.

Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skillful surgeon would do the job.


"Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach," the surgeon muttered, "but I'll see what I can do—come back in 12 hours."

Sam returned in 12 hours.

"How did it go, Doc?" he asked.


"I'm sorry. John died," the surgeon replied, "He suffocated in the plastic bag,"


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September 11, 2014

Nice To See You Again

At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.

One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained. When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?"

"Well," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."


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September 10, 2014

Career Change


There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"


He said, "I'm a former window washer."


I asked, "When did you give it up?"


He replied, "Halfway down."


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September 9, 2014

Sweet Potatoes


Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague. We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.

One day, she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes, which was one of her husband's favorites. "I've finally been able to make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make them orange?"


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September 8, 2014

Just Business

John Jones, the head of the company asked his manager to write a detailed employment review describing Bob Smith, one of his programmers.

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.

Signed ...


A memo was soon sent following the letter:


That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines above (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.


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September 7, 2014

Backseat Driver

The town founder had passed away and the whole town turned out, as did his family who arrived from all over the globe. This threw the mortuary into an uproar. They had some employees doing two or three jobs and others switching jobs to get everything done.


After the chapel services, all the members of the funeral party piled into the different cars for the drive to the cemetery. The procession was very long, and one group of family members, not knowing their way, decided to ask the driver how much further it would be. The patriarch tapped the driver on the shoulder, and said, "Pardon me....."

The driver let out a scream and turned with a grimace of horror to see who had tapped him. In doing so, he drove the car into the ditch and through a farmer's fence, almost overturning it.


After calming everyone down, the driver somberly explained, "I'm so sorry for what happened, but you see, I usually drive the hearse."


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September 6, 2014

Zero to 200

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday.

His wife told him, "Tomorrow, there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in under 10 seconds."


The next morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



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September 5, 2014

Grief Stricken

When Ted was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave he noticed a man, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away. The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly, 

"Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again.


Ted was overcome with emotion at this sight and went over to the poor man to try and console him.


"Why did you die? Why did you die?" bellowed the man again and again.


Ted gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours buried here?"


"No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband."


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September 4, 2014

How'd You Manage That?

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."


The lawyer looked somewhat confused, "How do you start a flood?" 


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September 3, 2014

So Long As He Fits


A couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers have doubts about their suitability.


So they produce photos of their 50 foot motor home, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.


The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided.


"We've employed an fulltime tutor who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and IT skills."


There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing.


"Our fulltime nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet," they reply.


The social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were hoping to adopt.


"It doesn't really matter," they say, "so long as he fits nicely into the cannon.".


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September 2, 2014

One Question


One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "The 8:30 or the 10 AM service?"


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September 1, 2014

The Diner

A rope goes into a diner and orders lunch. The waitress says, "Hey! Aren't you a rope?! We don't serve ropes here!"


The rope replies, "No! I'm a frayed knot..."

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