October 31, 2013
An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky. One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him.
“Can't you do something?” she demanded angrily.
“I'm sorry ma'am,” the reverend said gently, “I'm in sales, not management.”
October 30, 2013
The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room. "A football player," "A doctor," "An astronaut," "The president," "A fireman," "A teacher," "A race car driver."
Everyone that is, except Tommy.
The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still.
So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"Possible" Tommy replied.
"Possible?" asked the teacher.
"Yes," Tommy said. "My mom is always telling me I'm impossible.
So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."
October 29, 2013
A bartender asks a patron, “What'll you have?”
The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”
The bartender hands him the drink and says, “That'll be five dollars.”
The guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and having overheard the conversation, says to the bartender, “You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you get me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.”
The next day, the same guy walks into the bar. The bartender says, “What are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!”
The guy says, “What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life,”.
The bartender replies, “I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”
To which the guy replies, “Thank you! Make it a scotch.”
October 28, 2013
Professors have discovered that college students can have an interesting view of history. Here are a few examples:
The Sumerian culture began about 3,500 years before Christmas.
Around the year 1000, people were afraid an Acropolis was lurking around the corner.
Men on both sides would have gotten along better if they didn't have to wear uniforms.
The Confederates were greatly damaged by a navel blockage.
October 27, 2013
I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices.
"Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.
"And what about Salt Lake City?"
"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake--$99.00, but there is a stopover."
October 26, 2013
Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Little Johnny answered.
“I'd like to talk to your mother or father,” she said.
“Sorry, but they ain't here.”
“Little Johnny!” she said, “what is it with your grammar?”
“Beats me,” he replied, “but dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!”
October 25, 2013
Jon was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
Jon took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
Jon said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
"Hey, man, that's OK!" Jon responded, "I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"
October 24, 2013
A lady took her friend to get her car from the mechanic.
When her friend came out she asked her, "Is everything okay with your car now?"
Her friend said, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that the mechanic might try to take advantage of me, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was twenty dollars worth of blinker fluid."
October 23, 2013
Little Rhonda was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner.
One evening everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.
"Rhonda," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Pastor Smith's place."
"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Rhonda, "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"
October 22, 2013
Bubba and Darryl went hunting, and Tom accidentally shot the other.
Bubba rushed his friend to the hospital and watched while they wheeled him into the O.R.
Ten minutes later the doctor came out, peeling off his gloves and shaking his head.
"Did he make it Doc?" asked Bubba.
The doctor said his friend was dead.
"Anything I could have done?" Bubba wondered.
"Well", replied the doctor, "If that ever happens to you again, for goodness sake, don't gut him!"
October 21, 2013
Seems this hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him: "Here, friend, take a drink outta my jug."
The man protested, saying he never drank.
Unimpressed, the hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded: "Drink!"
The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed.
"Ugh! That's awful stuff!"
"Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now here, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig."
October 20, 2013
A out-of-towner in New York decided to re-visit a fine uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.
Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he began, "Hey, you know, it's been over five years since I first came in here. . ."
"You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time."
October 19, 2013
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom, you'll be home in no time.
October 18, 2013
Returning to the university after winter break one year, a freshman was greeted by a freshly snow-blanketed campus. While admiring the scenery, he noticed a strange figure looming in the shadow of a campus building.
Directly under the words "Radiation Laboratory" on the side of the edifice stood a perfectly sculpted two-headed snowman.
October 17, 2013
Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
October 16, 2013
Little Johnny stared at his test paper. The big read "F" stared back at him.
Freddie looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"
"Because of an absence," Johnny answered.
"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" he questioned.
Little Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."
October 15, 2013
Kurt sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression.
The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
Kurt replied, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
The bartender responded, "That should make you happy."
"No, the month is up today!"
October 14, 2013
Scott and Glenn were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.
Scott said to Glenn, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can locate you."
After about 3 hours, Glenn found that he was really lost. He decided to fire three shots into the air like Scott told him. He then waited an hour and did it again. He repeated this until he was out of ammo.
The next morning, Scott found him with the help of forest rangers. He asked Glenn if he had followed the instructions.
Glenn answered, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."
October 13, 2013
A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.
When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear; "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."
October 12, 2013
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."
October 11, 2013
When the honeymoon couple woke up their first morning after getting married, the husband looked at his wife and said, "Honey, go fix us a cup of coffee."
She looked at him and said, "No, I'm not the one who will fix coffee in the morning in this house. It is and will be your job to get up and fix us a cup of coffee in the mornings."
"What do you mean it is my job to fix coffee in the mornings? We are married and it is the wife's job to fix coffee in the mornings."
"No way, Jose," she replied. "It says in the Bible is the man's job to fix coffee in the mornings. and we are going to do as the Bible says."
"Now wait just a doggone minute. I know a lot about the Bible and I never read it is the man's job to fix coffee in the mornings. Now tell me where you read that."
"Look right here," she said while opening the Bible. "Right here in bold print it says He brew."
October 10, 2013
The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school.
"There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.
"But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer.
"Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?"
Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."
October 9, 2013
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night and sometimes later. She was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.
He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister
spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with
the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
October 8, 2013
A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games.
In an effort to motivate the boy to focus more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "But Dad, when Lincoln was your age, he was President of The United States!"
October 7, 2013
The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"
Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, "Who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?"
A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.
"Johnny?" the teacher said.
"I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and I hate History!"
October 6, 2013
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about
3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
'Do you realize what time it is," she said. He answered,
"Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
His answer was, "A round of drinks!"
October 5, 2013
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.
So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"
"Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
October 4, 2013
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a very simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?
I must confess I don't know much about history."
October 3, 2013
My sister brought her daughter a really nice Spinet Piano for her birthday.
A few weeks later, I asked my sister how her daughter was doing.
"Oh," she said, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."
"How come?" I asked.
"Well," my sister answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing...."
October 2, 2013
Partway through his dinner date, my brother deduced that the woman he was with was more interested in his money than in him.
When the check came, he took out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush, "Is that a platinum card?"
"No," my brother said dryly. "It's aluminum."
October 1, 2013
Sam and Max were psychologists, and the best of friends.
Sam's practice was based upon the theories of Sigmund Freud, but Max relied more upon the theories of Carl Jung.
One wintry night, as they were walking home from the community college where they had just given a lecture, Sam slipped on the ice and did a swan dive into the sidewalk. Dazed, he looked up to see his friend regarding him thoughtfully.
"Well, what is it?" he snapped.
Max extended his hand and said, "Sorry, but it's just that this is the first time I've actually SEEN a Freudian slip."