November 27, 2013
A man and his wife, both living in Britain, had been wanting to move to Australia for a long time. This is where the husbands family live and where he grew up. Nowadays immigration to Australia, as it is with many countries is quite strict. So they had a long wait for there interview with the immigration office.
Finally they got there interview and both very nervous after many questions were asked there came the "do you have a criminal record?"
To which the husband replied "I didn't realize you still needed one?!"
"Well, golly!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"
November 25, 2013
A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road.
Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.
"I reckon so," replied the farmer.
The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface.
As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"
"Well, golly!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"
November 24, 2013
This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they “oohed” and “aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”
Peter’s reply, “This is Heaven, you play for free.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
“How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, “That’s the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”
November 23, 2013
Maureen told her young son to go to bed and be sure to say his prayers and ask God to make him a good boy.
The boy's father, passing by the bedroom, overheard his son praying: "And make me a good boy if You can; and if You can't, don't worry about it, 'cause I'm having fun the way I am."
November 22, 2013
My Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job.
I asked him what happened.
"You know what a foreman is?" he asked.
"Yes, the one who stands around and watches the other men work, but what's that got to do with it?", I asked.
"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained.
Then I asked, "Why was he jealous of you?"
He said, "Because everyone thought I was the foreman."
November 21, 2013
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air... "Are there any friendly bears listening?"
After a moment, another voice replied... "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice...
"I'm a friendly bear too!"
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on an important radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds.
Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"
November 20, 2013
A housewife called up a pet store and said, "Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches at once."
"What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?" asked the astonished clerk.
"Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them."
November 19, 2013
A Navy officer was cutting through the crew's quarters of his ship one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him.
“Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?” the officer demanded.
“No, sir, but we don't land airplanes on the roof either.”
November 18, 2013
A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime.
I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off. A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box!"
November 17, 2013
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No kidding?!? What happened next?'"
November 16, 2013
A guy I know was towing his boat home from a fishing trip to Lake Huron when his car broke down. He didn't have a cell phone, but he thought he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance.
He climbed into the boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday."
A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location."
"I-75, two miles south of Standish."
After a long pause, the officer asked, "And how fast were you going when you reached shore?"
November 15, 2013
An evangelist had a great revival camp going. One night he was up in front of a large audience, speaking on imperfection. He asked his audience towards the end, "Has anyone ever known anyone who has come CLOSE to the perfection of our lord, Jesus Christ?"
Nobody, of course raised their hand.
So he issued the question again. "Anybody! Has ANYONE ever known that kind of perfection?"
Finally a guy in the back raised his hand, so of course he was asked to stand up. "Tell us. Tell us who you knew who was so close to perfection."
The man responded, "My wife's first husband."
November 14, 2013
A woman went to the bank and applied for a loan.
"I want a loan, I'm going to divorce my husband."
"Oh, we don't give loans for divorces" the manager says "We make loans for automobiles, businesses, home improvements...."
The woman interrupts and says "Well, this would certainly be a 'Home Improvement.'
November 13, 2013
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”
“That's quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”
The lawyer looked somewhat confused and asked “How do you start a flood?”.
November 12, 2013
The department store Santa Claus was more than a trifle surprised when a beautiful young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.
But Santa quickly recovered, and started talking to the college-type lass.
"And what do you want for Christmas?" asked Santa.
"Something for my mother," said the young lady.
"Well, that's what I call thoughtful," smiled Santa. "What can I bring for your mother?"
After a moment's thought, the girl brightened, turned to Santa, and said:
"I'd like for her to get a son-in-law."
November 11, 2013
Pupsie was complaining to Barbie that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said Barbie, "and do what I did.
"Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out, 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him."
"Cured him!" asked Pupsie, "but how?"
Barbie said, "You see, his name is Andy."
November 10, 2013
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hon," he says. "How do you like your new phone?"
She replies, "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at WalMart?"
November 9, 2013
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."
November 8, 2013
The Game Warden stopped a deer hunter and asked to see his hunting license.
"This is last year's license," the warden informed him.
"I know," said the hunter, "but I shouldn't need a new license, I am only shooting at the deer I missed last year."
November 7, 2013
Scott and Glenn were walking down the street, when Glenn turned to Scott and said, "Scott, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all that, would you give me one?"
Scott replied, "Glenn, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, yeah, I would give one to you."
They continued walking. After a couple of minutes, Scott turns to Glenn and asked, "Glenn, if you had two of those luxury, playboy-type yachts—you know, with all the modern conveniences—would you give one to me?"
Glenn replied, "Scott, you and me are like brothers. You were best man at my wedding. If I had two of those luxury playboy yachts with all the modern conveniences, then yeah, Scott, I really would give one to you."
They kept walking. A couple of minutes later, Glenn turns to Scott and says, "Scott, if you had two chickens..."
"Now hold on there! Glenn, you know I've got two chickens!"
November 6, 2013
A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided that he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. It turns out that his next-door neighbor was also a chicken farmer.
The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."
The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later, the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going.
The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died."
The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."
Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stopped in again.
The new farmer said, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too."
Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What did you do to them? What went wrong?"
"Well," said the new farmer, "I'm not sure. But I think I'm not planting them far enough apart."
November 5, 2013
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. “I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”
“Of course.” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth...”
November 4, 2013
"Hey, Mom," asked Ralph, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "
November 3, 2013
Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?"
A few minutes later, Timmy returned.
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except that she's mad at you."
"At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"
"She said it's none of your business how old she is."
November 2, 2013
I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me about his most memorable client.
"It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings from her inscribed wedding band," he remembered. "One earring read, 'with all,' and the other, 'my love.'
When I asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To remind me that the next time anyone says that to me, I should let in go in one ear and out the other.'"
November 1, 2013
The new preacher, at this first service, had a pitcher of water and a glass on the pulpit. As he preached, he drank until the pitcher of water was completely gone.
After the service, someone asked an old woman of the church, "How did you like the new pastor?"
"Fine," she said, "but he's first windmill I ever saw that was run by water."