December 31, 2012
A man took his wife, who had no interest in football, to the opening game at the local university. The home team was battered all over the field by the more dominant opponents. At one point, the referee blew his whistle; the call was unnecessary roughness.
"You mean to tell me," the woman said to her husband, "That all that roughness up until now has been NECESSARY?"
December 30, 2012
When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.
Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.
As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.
"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.
"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"
December 29, 2012
On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley helping the cooks.
One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.
One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and decorated the cake with it.
The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.
Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my CORNBREAD go?" he shouted.
December 28, 2012
As I as on the way home from a long and stressful day at the office, the car phone rang. It was my husband.
"Will you be joining me in the whirlpool bath tonight?" he asked.
"What a lovely way to spend an evening," I thought. I was about to tell him how considerate he was when he continued,
"Because if you're not, I need to start adding more water to the tub."
December 27, 2012
A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."
"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."
The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."
December 26, 2012
Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.
George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.
Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
December 25, 2012
A BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION!
Guest of Honor: Jesus Christ
Date: Traditionally, December 25, but He's always around, so the date is flexible...
Time: Whenever you're ready.
Place: In your heart...He'll meet you there. (You'll hear Him knock.)
Attire: Come as you are...grubbies are just fine. [We all came that way!] He'll be washing our clothes anyway. He said something about new, white robes and crowns...
Tickets: Admission is free. He's already paid for everyone. He says you wouldn't be able to afford it anyway. It cost Him everything He had.
Refreshments: New wine, bread, and a cool drink He calls "Living Water," followed by a supper that promises to be out of this world!
Gift Suggestions: Your life. He's one of those people who already has everything. (He's very generous in return though. Just wait until you see what He has for you!)
Entertainment: Unconditional Love, Priceless Grace, Wild Abandon, Real Life, Communion with God, Forgiveness, Healing, Fascinating Mystery, Childlike Joy, Uncommon Passion, and much more! (All "G" rated, so bring your family and friends.)
R.S.V.P.--He needs to know ahead of time so He can reserve a spot for you at the table. He'll enter your name in the "Lamb's Book of Life."
December 24, 2012
Two little boys were staying with their grandparents. While kneeling to say their bedtime prayers the smallest boy began yelling his prayer at the top of his lungs:
"DEAR GOD, FOR CHRISTMAS I WOULD LIKE A PLAYSTATION, A MOTOR BIKE, SCOOTER, NEW VIDEO GAMES..."
His brother asked him, "Why are you yelling? God can hear you; He is not deaf."
The younger brother replied, "I know God is not deaf, but grandma is..."
December 23, 2012
A professor--also an atheist--was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no a God.
He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting"
He got down to the last couple of minutes and a BIG 240 pound football player happened to walk by the door and heard about what the professor said. The football player walked in the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.
The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"
The football player replied, "God was busy. He sent me."
December 22, 2012
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
"Pretty good," chuckled the veteran policemen, "especially since this is a bus stop!"
December 21, 2012
One day Glenn was working late under a car and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting" he thought.
Next day he told his buddy Scott about tasting the brake fluid. "Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a little more today."
Scott got a little concerned but didn't say anything.
Next day he told about drinking a cup full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! Think I'll have some more today." And so he did.
A few days later he was up to a bottle a day, and told Scott,"This brake fluid is really great stuff."
His friend was now really worried. "You know that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that stuff."
"Hey, no problem..." Glenn defended, "I can stop any time."
December 20, 2012
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
"Henry," she said, "I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?"
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn’t spell ‘convenience,’ so I made it ‘risk."
December 19, 2012
The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.
December 18, 2012
Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is greeted by St. Peter, who says, “Heaven is so full that we have to give you an entrance exam to come in.”
Forrest replies, “I shore hope it isn’t too hard. I’m not very good at tests.”
St. Peter says: “First question, how many days in the week begin with T and what are they?”
Forrest answers: “Well two, today and tomorrow.” “
That isn’t quite what I had in mind but, I’ll give it to you.” St. Peter said. “Ok, the next question: how many seconds are there in a year?”
Forrest thought for a minute and said, “Well, I reckon there are twelve. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd . . .”
St. Peter put up his hand. “Well, not the answer I was looking for, but it is correct so I’ll have to give that one to you also. Ok, final question: What is God’s first name?”
“Well, that’s easy. It’s Howard.”
“Howard? How in Heaven did you come up with Howard?”
“You know, ‘Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name.’”
December 17, 2012
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed
in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
December 16, 2012
A man and woman had been pen pals for over a year through a Lonely Hearts Club ad in a magazine. She became so impressed with his letters, she fell in love and wrote asking for the opportunity to meet the man behind all the wonderful letters she had enjoyed.
He wrote back that he was so very happy she was having the same fulfillment he was from their relationship through the mail, but before he responded to her request, he had to let her know that he was in a serious car accident during his wild teenage years which left him with a steel plate in his head which disfigured his face and about 1/3 of a head of hair, without one arm, confined to a wheel chair, and a sort of hoarse raspy voice. He quickly added that he would completely understand if this made her less anxious to carry the relationship further. She wrote back and pooh-poohed his physical impairments and said the letters had revealed what he was like on the inside regardless of what might be on the outside.
Then she added that she still wanted to meet him, and suggested that he pick her up at the bus station at 8:00 p.m. next Friday evening.
Finally she asked if he would wear a rose in his lapel so she could recognize him.
December 15, 2012
My friend's husband always teases her about her lack of interest in household chores. One day he came home with a gag gift, a refrigerator magnet that read: "Martha Stewart doesn't live here."
The next day he came home to find the magnet holding up a slip of paper. The note read: "Neither does Bob Vila."
December 14, 2012
Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.
“Look,” said one to the other, “let's be honest with each other.”
“Okay, you first,” replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
December 13, 2012
Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied...
December 12, 2012
The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room. "A football player," "A doctor," "An astronaut," "The president," "A fireman," "A teacher," "A race car driver."
Everyone that is, except Tommy. The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?" "Possible" Tommy replied.
"Possible?" asked the teacher.
"Yes," Tommy said. "Mom is always telling me I'm impossible.
So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."
December 11, 2012
My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a `movie night` with her.
We watched `Hackers`, `The Net`, `Anti-Trust`, `You've Got Mail` and The Matrix.
She's still mad at me. What did I do?
December 10, 2012
Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married twenty-five years, and every night my husband has complained about the food.
Not one night without complaining about the food."
The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?"
The first one said, "Why should I object if he doesn't like his own cooking?"
December 9, 2012
One day, three lawyers each purchased a train ticket. Next in line were three engineers who purchased only one train ticket. Confused, the lawyers asked the engineers, “Why did you only purchase one ticket when there are three of you?”
One of the engineers replied, “Just watch and you will see!”
As they boarded the train, the three engineers headed straight for the bathroom where all three crowded in. Shortly after the train got going, the conductor came through asking for tickets. He knocked on the bathroom door and said, “Tickets, please!” One of the engineers opened the door a crack and handed out the ticket.
Amazed at this, the lawyers decided that on the way back they would do the same. On the trip back the three lawyers went up and purchased only one train ticket but noticed that the engineers didn't purchase any. Confused again, the lawyers asked, “Why didn't you buy a ticket for the return trip?”
One of the engineers replied, “Just watch and you will see!”" As they boarded the train the three lawyers headed straight for the bathroom where all three crowded in.
Shortly after the train got going, one of the engineers knocked on the bathroom door and said, “Tickets, please!”
December 8, 2012
Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model INSIDE her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. It worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.
The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds!
December 7, 2012
For a while my husband and I had opposite schedules.
He worked during the day, and I worked at night. One morning I noticed he had left a note to himself on the kitchen counter that read, "STAMPS!" As a helpful surprise, I bought him some at the post office and put them on the counter before going to work.
The next morning I found the same note. "STAMPS!" was crossed out. Underneath it he had written,
"ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"
December 6, 2012
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center.
The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship.
The man turned out to be the village idiot.
"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"
"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."
December 5, 2012
The young woman really thought she'd been very patient through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.
One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant.
As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So . . . how do you like your rice? Boiled? Or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."
December 4, 2012
A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself.
"Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!"
Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.
He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling. "Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?"
"Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!"
December 3, 2012
A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.
Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled.
"Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"
December 2, 2012
My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old's shoes.
That's when I noticed my son Ben staring at my husband's head.
He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head. Does it hurt?"
After a pause, I heard my husband's murmured reply, "Not physically."
December 1, 2012
A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before'.
He stands up and says, “Before, B-E-P-H-O-R.”
The teacher says, “No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?”
Another little boy stands up and says, “Before, B-E-F-O-O-R.”
Again the teacher says, “No, that's wrong.” The teacher asks, “Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?”
Little Johnny stands up and says, “Before, B-E-F-O-R-E.”
“Excellent, Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?”
Little Johnny says, “That's easy. Two plus two be fore.”