January 31, 2015
young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare
January 30, 2015
man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken
into his house the night before.
January 29, 2015
football team was getting clobbered. The first-string quarterback was injured.
The second-string quarterback was injured. Even the punter was injured. All the
coach had left was their third-stringer who had yet to play a down all year. He
pulled the quarterback aside. "Look son, we can't afford to let them score
again. We've got to run some time off the clock. Here's what I want you to
coach!" said the quarterback.
January 28, 2015
strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo
anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the
older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
January 27, 2015
couple goes to an art gallery.
find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves.
wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."
January 26, 2015
recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began
commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and
traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several
coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful,
especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.
the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the
traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week.
But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the
car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."
further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.
is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common."
me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
January 25, 2015
family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was anxious to make a good
impression. But the neighbors seemed cold and made no overtures of welcome.
The mother of the brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and announced happily,
the lady down the street asked my name today!"
how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically. "And then what did
"Then she gave it to the policeman." the boy said.
January 24, 2015
social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. "How many
of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"
surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, "Who'll give us the
reason for being opposed to war?"
large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.
the teacher said.
"I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and I hate history!"
January 23, 2015
day, a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not
realizing it had just come from the forge.
immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if
nothing had happened.
blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"
"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth. "It just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe!"
January 22, 2015
January 21, 2015
dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me he
knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my mom would be like.
seems the minister asked my mom, "Do you take this man to be your
And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?" And my mom said, "He does."
January 20, 2015
January 19, 2015
were discussing the "don'ts" of public speaking in the PR class I
include a man reaching into his pants pocket and jangling change as he speaks,
which is very distracting.
illustrate my point, I asked for a student volunteer, saying, "I need a man
with coins in his pocket."
What I got instead was a girl yelling out, "Honey, so do I!"
January 18, 2015
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."
man said, "No problem."
that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try
these," he said.
speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
man then said, "I have another pair... try these."
speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false
teeth... try them."
speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over,
the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking
for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."
January 17, 2015
was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician.
"All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step, side-step and turn around."
January 16, 2015
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. “I’m the greatest hitter in the world,” he announced.
he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
One!” he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, “I’m the
greatest hitter in the world!”
tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.
“Strike Two!” he cried.
boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his
hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more,
“I’m the greatest hitter in the world!”
he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. “Strike Three!”
“Wow!” he exclaimed. “I’m also the greatest pitcher in the world!”
January 15, 2015
visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had
been built on campus.
January 14, 2015
Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell
me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.
January 13, 2015
community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems.
January 12, 2015
artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings
on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
January 11, 2015
How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and
spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to
put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and
buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow
with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel.
January 10, 2015
January 9, 2015
A wise old Texas rancher went to town to trade for a pickup truck he saw advertised in the paper for an unbelievably low price. After showing the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork.
salesman handed the rancher the keys and the bill, to which the Texas rancher
angrily declared, "This ain't the price I saw!"
salesman went on to tell the wise old Texas rancher how he was getting extras
such as power brakes, power windows, special tires, etc. and that made the final
Texas rancher wanted only that truck and no other, so he begrudgingly paid the
price and drove it home. A few months later, the salesman called the Texas
son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any good cows for
I've a few good cows priced to sell at $500 each. Come on out and take your
salesman said he and his son would be right out.
spending a few hours in the field checking out all the rancher's cows, they
decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write a check for $500.
wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're gettin' extras and
you have to pay for those, too!"
extras"? asked the salesman.
think you'll find all you're gettin' listed here!"
Grand Total: $1,233.00
January 8, 2015
a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling him,
"Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon."
January 7, 2015
was scheduled to fly from New Jersey to Ireland. As I checked in at the airport,
the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions.
anyone given you any packages you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.
told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her sister.
He looked at me very carefully and asked, "Does she like you?"
January 6, 2015
preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone
repairman worked nearby.
is definitely best," claimed one.
another contended, "I get the best results standing with my hands
outstretched to Heaven."
both wrong," the third insisted, "The most effective prayer position
is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
January 5, 2015
old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a
divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are
eighty-four," answered the old lady.
And how old is your husband?"
husband is eighty-seven."
my," said the lawyer." And how long have you been married?"
September will be sixty-two years."
sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"
"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough!"
January 4, 2015
of the duties of a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., is to escort
new recruits to the mess hall.
everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them,
"There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
January 3, 2015
evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had served.
"What did you marinate this in?" he asked.
wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and
how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc.
his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own,
"What did you ask me?"
chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would
marry you again!"
she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?"
Without hesitation, she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
January 2, 2015
little five year old was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony.
it was over, she asked her mom, "Why did the lady change her mind?"
replied, "What do you mean?"
"Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another one."
January 1, 2015
CEO of a large company was walking to the cafeteria along with two of his
secretaries. Upon tripping on a bottle, a genie appeared and asked the threesome
if they would like to each make a wish.
first secretary excitedly exclaimed, “I wish I was on a beach in a tropical
island!” Immediately her wish was granted.
next secretary proclaimed, “I wish I was on a tour of France!” Immediately
her wish too, was granted.
Being that it was now his turn to make a wish the CEO exclaimed “I want the two of them back in their offices right after lunch!”