Dans Daily
Jokes On You


February, 2015

Hunting Buddies Gun Control  Apple Crops
The View Twitter The Elevator
Church Ladies A Passionate Couple The Parrot
Just Remember This Dave Self-Improvement
Little Timmy Valentine Riddles The Nightlight
Jimmy Jr. Senior Tee Time Late For Class
The Bird Lady Wrong Answer Army Days
The Guide Not Really a Cure Computer Password
No Cream Like a Baby The Mink
Tech Support 






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February 28, 2015

Tech Support

Years ago, I worked in the customer service call center of a pager company. I dealt with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional loony caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.


A good call came from Arthur, who repeatedly complained that he kept being paged by 'Lucille.'

I told him he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.


'She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back,' Arthur said unhappily.


After three such calls, I thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

'She leaves her name,' was Arthur's reply.


After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.


'How does she spell her name?' I asked.


'L-O-W C-E-L-L,' dictated Arthur clearly.


Yet another technical problem solved!


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February 27, 2015

The Mink

Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question.

"Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.


Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."

Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, but on one condition."


"What's that?" Lisa asked.

"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.


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February 26, 2015

Like a Baby

Two elderly gentlemen are talking. "I'm 83-years-old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You're about my age. How do you feel?"


"I feel just like a newborn baby."


"Really? Like a newborn baby?"


"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."


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February 25, 2015

No Cream

A customer sitting at the table in the dining area of a hotel says to his waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream."

The waitress goes to get the coffee, but after 2 minutes came back to ask, "I'm sorry, we are out of cream. Would you like your coffee without milk instead?"


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February 24, 2015

Computer Password

A new employee calls the help desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password.


"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.


"Those asterisks are there to protect you," the help desk technician explains. "So, if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."


"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there isn't anyone standing behind me."


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February 23, 2015

Not Really a Cure

Albert walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the same time every year that he can remember. The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results. After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face.


"Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" Albert asks.


"Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor.


"What is it Doc?" asks Albert.


"I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say."


Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor, "Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it".


"Well", says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud."


"Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks Albert.


"No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt." 


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February 22, 2015

The Guide

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.


"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.


Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.


"Easy", replies the guide. "The archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago."


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February 21, 2015

Army Days

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.


"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms, all you could hear was slap, slap, click."


"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."


"What was the jingle?" asked the first. 


"Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."


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February 20, 2015

Wrong Answer

Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in, sits down and asks him what the problem is.


"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul on one of those awkward questions women ask. Now, I'm in deep trouble at home."


"What kind of question?" asked Tom.


"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly."


"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will.'"


"Yeah," said Eric. "That's what I did, except I said 'Of course I do.'"


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February 19, 2015

The Bird Lady

The "Bird Lady" was a difficult independent 75-year-old who sat in the park feeding the pigeons every day.


One morning she brought with her a whole bag of fresh bread just to feed her daily company.

Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat there without being noticed by anyone in the rich suburban neighborhood.


Then suddenly a man in his early 40's rained on her parade by telling her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere... when there are a lot of people starving in Africa.


Without hesitation the Bird lady replied angrily: "But I can't throw that far!"


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February 18, 2015

Late For Class

A college business professor noticed that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended, he went around the room asking students questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.


"And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked.


"I don't know," the student said.


"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Roberts, you would know," said the professor.


"That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"


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February 17, 2015

Senior Tee Time

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Jill.


"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."


"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Peter along?"


"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.


"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Jill pointed out.


The next day Jack teed off with Peter looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.


"Yup," Peter answered.


"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.


"I forgot."


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February 16, 2015

Jimmy Jr.

Jimmy Jr. came home with great excitement, saying, "Dad! Dad! Coming back from the mall, I ran home behind the bus all the way and saved the eighty-five cent fare."

Jimmy Sr. chided him, and shouted, "Spendthrift! Why didn't you run behind a cab and save $5.00?"


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February 15, 2015

The Nightlight

In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a nightlight into a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an instant dislike to it and at the next yard sale, it was the first thing she put out.


I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out and finally bought it.

"That'll look great in your home," I said.


"Oh," she replied. "It's not for me. My bridge club is having a charity sale and we were asked to bring the most hideous thing we could find. What I have here is the winner!"


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February 14, 2015

Valentine Riddles

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day?
A: I'm stuck on you!


Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't get a date.


Q: What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A: I find you very attractive.


Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?


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February 13, 2015

Little Timmy

Timmy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."


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February 12, 2015


"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night, and more. She taught me to enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, how to dress well and how to invest in the stock market."


"Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you."


"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."


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February 11, 2015


A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."




"Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave every single time."


"There are always a few clouds over everybody."


"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."


"He was something, huh?"


"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."


"No wonder you remember him."


"Well, I never actually met Dave."


"Then how do you know so much about him?"


"I married his widow." 


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February 10, 2015

Just Remember This

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.


"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember this: if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."


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February 9, 2015

The Parrot

Rhonda went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner replied, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "That's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Robert, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Robert."


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February 8, 2015

A Passionate Couple

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.


"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.


"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!


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February 7, 2015

Church Ladies

Two elderly church ladies were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section.

One church lady asks the other if she would like a beer.

The other lady answered that would be good, but that since they have a reputation for being pillars of the community, she would be queasy about purchasing it.

The first lady said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look and the woman said, "This is for washing our hair."

The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."


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February 6, 2015

The Elevator

The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded.

Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.


After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you; I’m a psychologist.”


“A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”


“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”


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February 5, 2015


A man clutching a smart-phone goes to a doctor's office and waits nervously until his name is called.


Once he's in the examining room, he tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”


The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”


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February 4, 2015

The View

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like.

“You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”


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February 3, 2015

Apple Crops

Three farmers are talking about their apple crop.


The first one says, "I grew an apple so big, when I put it on a chair, the chair broke."


The second one says, "I grew an even bigger apple. When I put it on a table, the table broke."


The third one says, "I grew a pretty big one, too. I put it in a wagon."


The first farmer asks, "Did it break?"


The farmer answers, "No, a worm got out of it and ate the horse!"


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February 2, 2015

Gun Control  


It has already started at Cabela's Sporting Goods when I shopped there yesterday.. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."  


Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amuck, I did just as she had instructed.  


When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was  referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.

I have  been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer. I still don't think I looked that  bad.


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February 1, 2015

Hunting Buddies

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter retuned alone, staggering under an eight-point buck.


“Where is Mike?” asked another hunter.


“He fainted a couple of miles up the trail,” Mike’s partner answered.


“You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?”


“A tough call,” said the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Mike.”


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