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Welcome
February, 2015
February 28, 2015 Years
ago, I worked in the customer service call center of a pager company. I dealt
with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the
occasional loony caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more
interesting people.
A
good call came from Arthur, who repeatedly complained that he kept being paged
by 'Lucille.' I
told him he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.
'She
don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back,' Arthur said unhappily.
After
three such calls, I thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't
leave a number. 'She
leaves her name,' was Arthur's reply.
After
establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.
'How
does she spell her name?' I asked.
'L-O-W
C-E-L-L,' dictated Arthur clearly.
Yet another technical problem solved!
February 27, 2015 Kurt
was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will
you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa
smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink." Kurt
thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, but on one
condition."
"What's that?" Lisa asked. "You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.
February 26, 2015 Two
elderly gentlemen are talking. "I'm 83-years-old now and I'm just full of
aches and pains. You're about my age. How do you feel?"
"I
feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really?
Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."
February 25, 2015 A customer sitting at the table in the dining area of a hotel says to his waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream." The waitress goes to get the coffee, but after 2 minutes came back to ask, "I'm sorry, we are out of cream. Would you like your coffee without milk instead?"
February 24, 2015 A
new employee calls the help desk to complain that there's something wrong with
her password.
"The
problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she
says.
"Those
asterisks are there to protect you," the help desk technician explains.
"So, if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read
your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there isn't anyone standing behind me."
February 23, 2015 Albert
walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the
same time every year that he can remember. The doctor takes him through all of
the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results. After
about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face.
"Well
Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" Albert asks.
"Albert,
I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor.
"What
is it Doc?" asks Albert.
"I
hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I
really don't know what to say."
Albert,
being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor, "Ok,
don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it".
"Well",
says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should go to
Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend
some time soaking in the mud."
"Oh,
so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks Albert.
"No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."
February 22, 2015 A
tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South
America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced
by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that
archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures.
The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
"This
temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.
Impressed
at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.
"Easy", replies the guide. "The archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago."
February 21, 2015 Two
men were boasting to each other about their old army days.
"Why,
my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they
presented arms, all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
"Very
good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd
just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first.
"Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."
February 20, 2015 Eric
is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in, sits down
and asks him what the problem is.
"Well,"
said Eric, "I ran afoul on one of those awkward questions women ask. Now,
I'm in deep trouble at home."
"What
kind of question?" asked Tom.
"My
wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and
wrinkly."
"That's
easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will.'"
"Yeah," said Eric. "That's what I did, except I said 'Of course I do.'"
February 19, 2015 The
"Bird Lady" was a difficult independent 75-year-old who sat in the
park feeding the pigeons every day.
One
morning she brought with her a whole bag of fresh bread just to feed her daily
company. Little
by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat there without
being noticed by anyone in the rich suburban neighborhood.
Then
suddenly a man in his early 40's rained on her parade by telling her that she
shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food
anywhere... when there are a lot of people starving in Africa.
Without hesitation the Bird lady replied angrily: "But I can't throw that far!"
February 18, 2015 A
college business professor noticed that one of his students was late to class
for the third time that week. Before class ended, he went around the room asking
students questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on
his tardy pupil.
"And
who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor
asked.
"I
don't know," the student said.
"Perhaps
if you came to class on time, Mr. Roberts, you would know," said the
professor.
"That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"
February 17, 2015 "How
was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Jill.
"Well,
I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where
the ball went."
"But
you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't
you take my brother Peter along?"
"But
he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But
he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Jill pointed out.
The
next day Jack teed off with Peter looking on. Jack swung, and the ball
disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked
Jack.
"Yup,"
Peter answered.
"Well,
where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
February 16, 2015 Jimmy Jr. came home with great excitement, saying, "Dad! Dad! Coming back from the mall, I ran home behind the bus all the way and saved the eighty-five cent fare." Jimmy Sr. chided him, and shouted, "Spendthrift! Why didn't you run behind a cab and save $5.00?"
February 15, 2015 In
a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a nightlight into a conch shell I
found on the beach. My wife took an instant dislike to it and at the next yard
sale, it was the first thing she put out.
I
felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out and finally bought
it. "That'll
look great in your home," I said.
"Oh," she replied. "It's not for me. My bridge club is having a charity sale and we were asked to bring the most hideous thing we could find. What I have here is the winner!"
February 14, 2015 Q:
What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day?
Q:
Why did the banana go out with the prune?
Q:
What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
Q:
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
February 13, 2015 Timmy
went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
February 12, 2015 "Ever
since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop
drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night, and more. She
taught me to enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, how to dress
well and how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds
like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change
you."
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
February 11, 2015 A
man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets
into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like
Dave."
"Who?"
"Dave
Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you
needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave every single time."
"There
are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not
Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis.
He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a
Broadway star."
"He
was something, huh?"
"He
had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about
wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a
fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No
wonder you remember him."
"Well,
I never actually met Dave."
"Then
how do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow."
February 10, 2015 An
older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that
his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the
anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember this: if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
February 9, 2015 Rhonda
went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a
sign on the cage that said $50.00.
February 8, 2015 A
couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench,
passionately kissing.
"Why
don't you do that?" said the wife.
"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!
February 7, 2015 Two
elderly church ladies were shopping in a food store and happened to be
passing the beer and liquor section.
February 6, 2015 The
elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded.
After
what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I
don’t know what you expect me to do for you; I’m a psychologist.”
“A
psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number.
Can’t you help us?”
“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”
February 5, 2015 A
man clutching a smart-phone goes to a doctor's office and waits nervously until
his name is called.
Once
he's in the examining room, he tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted
to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”
February 4, 2015 While
my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed
out a plot that he thought they would like.
February 3, 2015 Three
farmers are talking about their apple crop.
The
first one says, "I grew an apple so big, when I put it on a chair, the
chair broke."
The
second one says, "I grew an even bigger apple. When I put it on a table,
the table broke."
The
third one says, "I grew a pretty big one, too. I put it in a wagon."
The first farmer asks, "Did it break?"
The farmer answers, "No, a worm got out of it and ate the horse!"
February 2, 2015
It has already started at Cabela's Sporting Goods when I shopped there yesterday.. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amuck, I did just as she had instructed.
When
the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she
was referring to how I should place my credit card in the
card-reader.
February 1, 2015 A
group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That
night, one hunter retuned alone, staggering under an eight-point buck.
“Where
is Mike?” asked another hunter.
“He
fainted a couple of miles up the trail,” Mike’s partner answered.
“You
left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?”
“A tough call,” said the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Mike.”
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