Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,.............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
"Helllooooo? It's been a year!" I told him.
only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
Monday, March 30, 2009
"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think may be worth mentioning?"
"Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel."
"Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours."
Mrs Smith explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
One day a father of a rich family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing him how poor people can be. They spent a day and a night on the farm of a very poor family. When they got back from their trip the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"Very good, Dad!"
"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.
"And what did you learn?"
The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog at home, and they have four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden. They have a creek that has no end. We have imported lamps in the garden. They have the stars.
Our patio reaches to the front yard, they have a whole horizon."
When the little boy was finishing, his father was speechless.
His son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are!"
Saturday, March 28, 2009
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces that are just the way you meant to play them.
You can hit a two-acre fairway 10 percent of the time and a two-inch branch 90 percent of the time.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Friday, March 27, 2009
In Marine Corps basic training, I soon learned that everything we recruits used belonged to our drill instructor. For instance, he referred to the stuff in our footlockers as "my trash" and to the racks where we slept as "my racks."
One time when when we were all whispering in the bathroom while making "head calls," our drill instructor must have overheard us.
He suddenly yelled, "Why do I hear voices in my head?"
Thursday, March 26, 2009
When my daughter was about three years old, she was kneeling on a bench at the Mall throwing pennies in the pond.
An elderly gentleman said, "Where did you get those pretty blue eyes?"
My little one replied," I don't know, but I've had them a long time."
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Jacob (92) and Rebecca (85) are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Monday, March 23, 2009
A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of sirloin hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman about it.
The barman replies, "It's a competition. If you can jump high enough to get the meat down you get dinner on the house. But if you miss you have to buy a round for the whole bar. Care to give it a try?"
The guy thinks about it for a minute and says, "No, I don't think so... the steaks are too high!'
Sunday, March 22, 2009
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
Saturday, March 21, 2009
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I act like I'm listening."
Friday, March 20, 2009
Three guys went into business for themselves. Said the first, "I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board."
"I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary, and treasurer."
"Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner.
"What's that make me?"
The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of music."
"That sounds mighty fine," said the third man, "but what does it mean?"
"It means what when I want your advice, I'll whistle."
Thursday, March 19, 2009
the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just
had another fight with the little woman."
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you
want to go to heaven?"
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a
parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and
give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Monday, March 16, 2009
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man.
"To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted. "Oh, um, I actually hate factories. Can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work, too" said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
Sunday, March 15, 2009
A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, "Shoot! Just missed it by a half hour!"
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.
"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."
"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.
The agent did so and then inquired,
"Do you want a reservation?"
"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."
Friday, March 13, 2009
A couple came to the police department, wanting to dispose of some ammunition. They handed the desk officer a wooden box and explained that it contained two bullets an uncle had given them as souvenirs from World War II.
"We didn't know what to do with them," the woman explained. "So all these years, we've kept the bullets in the bottom drawer of the china cabinet, away from our children."
The officer assured the couple he'd dispose of the bullets safely. But when he took one out of the box the top came off, revealing a strange black substance. His suspicions aroused, the officer removed the top of the other bullet and found a hard white substance. There was no doubt about it. The bullets were souvenir salt and pepper shakers.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A lawyer named Mr. Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave."
Mr. Strange was not amused by the stonecutter's attempt at humor and asked if he had another suggestion. The stonecutter said, "I could write, 'Here lies an honest lawyer'."
The lawyer protested, "But that won't tell people who it was."
"It most certainly will," retorted the stonecutter.
"People will read, 'Here lies an honest lawyer' and exclaim, 'That's Strange!'"
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Mary and Jane are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Mary cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jane.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
On vacation in Hawaii, my stepmom Sandy called a cafe' to make reservations for 7 P.M. Checking her book, the cheery hostess said, "I'm sorry, but all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"
"That's fine," Sandy said.
"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised that you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."
Monday, March 9, 2009
Early in the semester, a student stops by during the professor's office hours. He bids her enter.
She glances up and down the hall, steps in, closes the door and says, "I would do anything to pass this class." She steps closer to his desk, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean," she whispers, "I would do...anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything," she replies.
The professor's voice drops to a whisper and he says, "Would you...study?"
Sunday, March 8, 2009
cheese that isn't yours?
...call four bull
fighters in quicksand?
...get from a
...get when you
cross a pit bull with a collie?
...call a boomerang
that doesn't work?
Saturday, March 7, 2009
A site foreman, displeased with the motivation of the men working for him, decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest person here," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?"
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
Friday, March 6, 2009
A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. So he decided to get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman walked onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man for a twosome. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 6 feet tall."
Thursday, March 5, 2009
In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America.
She stood five ft., one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"
The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well."
"Why is that?" Asked the professor.
"For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be way too old."
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.
"You got laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.
"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.
"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."
"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported."
Monday, March 2, 2009
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled,
"Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"
Sunday, March 1, 2009
An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic."
Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."
So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."