March 31, 2010
Al Capp, creator of the famous comic strip Lil Abner, was one day invited to a university to give a lecture to the students. Before he could begin speaking to the large group assembled in the auditorium, an unkempt-looking student at the back shouted a vulgar word at him.
The word hung in the air as an uncomfortable silence lasted but a moment... Capp, keeping his cool, quipped, "Now that you've given us your name, what IS your question?"
March 30, 2010
A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word woman, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"
March 29, 2010
A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the HR manager his application. The manager begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
"I must say, your work history is terrible. It looks like you've been fired from every job you've ever had."
"That's right," says the applicant.
"Well, how can I justify hiring you with a record like that?"
"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter!"
March 28, 2010
March 27, 2010
Five Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the French border.
The French Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile. Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies the French customs agent. "Quattro means 4!"
"Oh, you are so stupid! Call your supervisor over!"
"He can't come. He's busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno."
March 26, 2010
An elderly man lay in a hospital, with his wife of 55 years sitting at his bedside.
"Is that you Ethel, at my side again?" he whispered.
"Yes, dear," she answered.
He softly said to her, "Remember years ago when I was in the Veteran's Hospital? You were with me then. You were with me when we lost everything in a fire. and Ethel, when we were poor - you stuck with me then too."
The man sighed and said, "I tell you Ethel, you are bad luck!"
March 25, 2010
A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
March 24, 2010
"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm, y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."
"It's Mrs. Dull's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.
March 23, 2010
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"
March 22, 2010
A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"
"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."
The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"
"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"
The manager shrugs, "Sorry."
"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.
"Nope. Don't have that."
"Well" the woman says, "If you don't have anything, why don't you close the store?"
The manager shrugs, "Can't. Don't have the key."
March 21, 2010
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried-looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.
"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
March 20, 2010
Mom and Dad went to a restaurant one evening. Dad was about halfway finishing his meal when he took a hard look at the potato.
He called the waitress and said, "This potato is bad."
The waitress picked it up, smacked it, and put it back on the plate, then said,
"If that potato causes any more trouble just let me know."
March 19, 2010
When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus.
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax
Why did the banks use all that space and money to construct so many teller stations, then never have more than two or three in use?
March 18, 2010
A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog.
I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will.
He said, "Will, what will? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite."
March 17, 2010
A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trip to school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school, and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.
Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly got in her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile.
Another and another were to follow quickly, each with the little girl stopping, looking up and smiling. Finally, the mother called over to her child and asked, "what are you doing?"
The child answered, "smiling, God just keeps taking pictures of me."
March 16, 2010
A minister was walking in front of his church when he heard his five-year old son and playmates 'round back. He walked back there and noticed the boys had found a dead bird. Feeling a proper burial was in order, they had secured a small box and some cotton batting, then dug a whole, and were now standing around the "grave."
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers, of course. With sonorous dignity the little boy intoned HIS version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory to be unto the Father, and unto the Son . . . and into de hole he goes!"
March 15, 2010
A high school senior saw an inspirational advertisement on television about becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found her life's calling and could she send her some information.
The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was calling. The student told her and there was a pause. Then she said, "You misspelled TEACH."
March 14, 2010
A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change some- thing on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Rep told her that J.C. Penney would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens or the crystal...
The bride said, "No, no, keep all that. I just want to change the name of the groom."
March 13, 2010
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
March 12, 2010
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.
So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"
"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
March 11, 2010
One day God was looking down to earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time.
When she returned she told God, yes, it is bad on earth, 95% of the people are bad and 5% are good people.
He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel to get both points of view. So He called a male angel and sent him to earth to see what he could find.
When the angel returned he went to God and told him, yes, the earth was in decline, 95% of the people are bad and 5% are good.
God said this was not good. He decided to send an e-mail to the 5% that were good and encourage them, something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that email said?
Oh, you didn't get one, either?
March 10, 2010
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board.
The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
Little Johnny asked, "If they want him so badly, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"
March 9, 2010
As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."
The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded.
Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."
March 8, 2010
Kneeling in the confessional, the girl said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?" the priest asked.
"I have committed the sin of vanity, Father," she replied. "Numerous times a day, I gaze upon myself in the mirror and tell myself how gorgeous I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "I have good news for you, my child. That isn't a sin...it's merely a mistake."
March 7, 2010
A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
The man began to run towards his home, and the coffin bounced quickly after him, faster...faster...BUMP ...BUMP ...BUMP. He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked the door behind him. However, the coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin flapping...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locked himself inside. His heart was pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door and came slowly towards him. The man screamed and reached for something, anything...All he could find was a box of cough drops!
Desperate, he threw the cough drops at the coffin ......and...of...course,...the coffin stopped!
March 6, 2010
When our company was selling top-of-the-line business computers, our advertising team proposed sponsorship of a major golf tournament on television.
Surprised when approval came through quickly, I asked the head of the ad team how he had persuaded our usually reluctant chairman of the board.
"It sold itself," the ad-man told me. "When the chairman first heard the idea, he asked, 'Why on earth would you want to sponsor a golf tournament? The only ones who watch them are people like me.'"
"Then he paused and said, 'Oh.'"
March 5, 2010
The Wolf Man comes home one day after a long day at the office.
"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he barks.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat?"
After this he continues to yell and shout and making a huge fuss. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon, and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
March 4, 2010
A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls.
Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.
The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off."
The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?"
"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off with a cutlass. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook."
Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?"
"Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye."
The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that cause you to lose your eye?"
The pirate explains, "It was me first day with the hook..."
March 3, 2010
This guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back.
"What the heck are you?" asks the host.
"I'm a snail," says the guy.
"But... you have a girl on your back," replies the host.
"Yeah, he says, "that's Michelle!"
March 2, 2010
Josh was helping Sally clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit".
Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.
She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."
Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"
Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires..."
March 1, 2010
My wife and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach, CA. Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl - athletic, blond with a great tan.
Mulling over the menu, my wife asked her if the roast beef was rare.
The waitress gave us a long blank look, then replied, "Well, no - we have it, like, just about every day."