March 31, 2011
One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?"
I asked her.
"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school.
So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
March 30, 2011
With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic.
To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies.
I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator.
As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."
When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message:
"MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT."'
March 29, 2011
Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are talking about the control they have over their wives, while the third remains silent.
After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, "What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?"
The third man turns to the first two and says, "Well, I'll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees."
The first two men were dumbfounded.
"Wow! What happened next?" they asked.
The third man takes a healthy swig of his beer, sighs and mutters, "Then she started screaming, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"
March 28, 2011
A jock reports for his University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.
He takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration reaches into his pocket, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within a half an hour, he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour." he says, "Now I'm checking my answers."
March 27, 2011
Caffeine is my shepherd, I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures.
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz.
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal (tm).
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Juan Valdez.
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the House of Folger's forever.
March 26, 2011
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."
March 25, 2011
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
March 24, 2011
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, & knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line,
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!"
March 23, 2011
Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move.
"It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."
March 22, 2011
A Welshman an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said...''Meow''.
"Just cats," he thought.
He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said....''woof''.
"Just dogs," he thought.
As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said.....''potatoes!''
March 21, 2011
It was considered a great step
forward in civil aviation when the first fully automated flight was ready
for its maiden transcontinental journey. Bigwigs of every sort were shown
to their seats and served a champagne cocktails by cyborg hostesses, while
hundreds of airline employees waved from the runway. Suddenly, the engine
snapped on and the plane made a perfect takeoff into the cloudless sky.
March 20, 2011
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
March 19, 2011
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated Wash. Biol. Surv. until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow.
I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
March 18, 2011
A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, breaks wind and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"
March 17, 2011
John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.
Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening, "Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife."
When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening."
His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, "Here's To The Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife."
His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your Toast."
The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with John O'Riley. He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize."
"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him out by the ears."
March 16, 2011
The obituary editor of a newspaper was not one to admit his mistakes easily.
One day he got a phone call from an enraged subscriber. The caller complained that his name had been printed in the obituary column.
"Really?" replied the editor coolly. "And where are you calling from?"
March 15, 2011
One Sunday morning when my son, David, was about 5, we were attending a church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.
This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.
My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."
March 14, 2011
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 A. M., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 A. M. on Sundays. So a Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 A.M., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
March 13, 2011
God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true-the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said?
I didn't get one either.
March 12, 2011
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
March 11, 2011
In 1990 a woman entered a Haagen-Dazs in the Kansas City Plaza for an ice-cream cone. While she was ordering, another customer entered the store. She placed her order, turned and found herself face to face with Paul Newman. He was in town filming a movie. His blue eyes made her knees buckle. She finished paying and quickly walked out of the store, her heart still pounding.
Gaining her composure she suddenly realized she didn't have her cone; she turned to go back in.
At the door she again came face-to-face with Paul Newman who was coming out. He said to her, "Are you looking for your ice-cream cone?"
Unable to utter a word she nodded yes.
"You put it in your purse with your change."
March 10, 2011
While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her.
Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"
March 9, 2011
Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
March 8, 2011
There was a little old lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front porch, raise her arms to the sky and shout, "Praise the Lord!"
Well, one day an atheist moved into the house next door. Over time, he became irritated at the little old lady. So every morning he would step out onto his front porch and yell after her, "There is no Lord!"
Time passes with the two of them carrying on this way every day. Then one morning in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food and I am starving. Please provide for me, oh Lord!"
The next morning, she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "Praise the Lord!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!"
The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "There is no Lord. I bought those groceries!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "Praise the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and He made the devil pay for them!"
March 7, 2011
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."
There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"
March 6, 2011
On a recent evening my family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand, we noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments.
Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"
March 5, 2011
A small town had three churches; Presbyterian, Methodist, and Baptist.
All three had a
serious problem with squirrels in the church. Each church in its own fashion
had a meeting to deal with the problem.
March 4, 2011
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davy, what noise does a cow make?"
"It goes moo."
"Alice, what noise does a cat make?"
"It goes meow."
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
"It goes baaa."
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
"Errr.., it goes.. click!"
March 3, 2011
Coming out of church, Mrs. Smith asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"
"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Smith.
"And that dress Mrs. Davis was wearing," continued Mrs. Smith, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper outfit for a mother of two."
"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Smith.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Smith. "A lot of good it does you to go to church."
March 2, 2011
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off.
The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."
March 1, 2011
The junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains.
Neither one could account for his trouble. Arriving home from work one night, he informed her. "I finally discovered why I've been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I've been sitting in the wastebasket.