March 31, 2012
A woman gets pulled over by a police officer and....
Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"
Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drunk driving."
Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please."
Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "Why not?"
Woman: "I stole this car."
Officer: "Stole it?"
Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"
Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: "Is there a problem, sir?"
Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Woman: "Murdered the owner?"
Officer 2: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. "
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers."
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver's license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Woman: "Bet you the lying son of a "B" told you I was speeding too."
March 30, 2012
Three people were trying to get into heaven. St. Peter asked the first, "Who's there?"
"It's me, Albert Jones," the voice replied.
St. Peter let him in. St. Peter asked the second one the second same question, "Who's there?"
"It's me, Charlie Jones."
And St. Peter let him in. He finally asked the third one, "Who's there?"
"It is I, Verla Chapman," answered the third.
"Oh, great," muttered St. Peter. "Another one of those English teachers."
March 29, 2012
The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school.
"There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.
"But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer.
"Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?"
Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."
March 28, 2012
A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."
"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."
The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."
March 27, 2012
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
March 26, 2012
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear.
Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"
March 25, 2012
Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle.
"I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?"
"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has begun violin lessons."
March 24, 2012
Two fellows grew up in the mountains, and when they were grown, one of them said he was going up North to seek his fortune. The other one said he'd stay home and look after the farm and their parents. The one up North became a salesman, soon was sales manager, and then vice president and president of the company. Before long, his business was bought out by a big company out West. In a little while, he became president of the parent company.
One day he got a call from his brother on the farm, who said, “Daddy died, and the funeral is Friday.”
He said, “Oh, my goodness. I have to leave Thursday for a big merger meeting in Japan. I just can't come, but I want you to give Daddy the best funeral you can get and send the bill to me. It's the least I can do.”
Well, the brother did that, and in a few weeks, the successful brother received a bill for $6,000, and he paid it. The following month, a bill for $100 came. Thinking they had forgotten something, he paid it. The next month, another bill for $100 came, and he paid that one, too. When another $100 bill arrived the third month, he called his brother and asked why he was getting these bills.
“Oh, yes,” the brother said, “I think I know. See, when we got Daddy all dressed up in his old serge suit in that new casket with that polished wood and satin lining, he just didn't look right, and since you said you wanted the best, we rented him a tuxedo.”
March 23, 2012
A church was preparing for Easter services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the banner company.
The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.
The sign came back a few days later: "Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide".
March 22, 2012
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington.
The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?"
The groom says "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER you complained of the chandelier falling on them."
March 21, 2012
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'
March 20, 2012
Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friends house.
Knowing his sweet tooth Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."
"No," replied Tommy, "but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without me asking."
March 19, 2012
Arthur began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help the students. One day during recess, he noticed a boy standing by himself on one side of playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Arthur approached and asked the boy if he was all right.
The boy said that he was.
A little while later, however, Arthur noticed that the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.
Approaching again, Arthur offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at him suspiciously.
Feeling that he was making progress, Arthur then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
March 18, 2012
Tatiana, who was not quite four years old, decided to pick up the ringing phone while her mom was taking care of the baby.
She answered it and Mr. Brown on the other end asked for her mom. "I'm sorry, mommy can't come to the phone right now. Can I take a message?"
After a pause, Mr. Brown heard, "O.K., I'm ready. Who is this did you say?"
"How do you spell Brown?"
A long pause, and then, "How do you make a B?"
March 17, 2012
O'Malley was not home at his usual hour, and Mrs. O'Malley was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
'Do you realize what time it is," she said.
"Don't get excited," O'Malley said. "I'm late because I bought something for the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
"A round of drinks!"
March 16, 2012
Two thieves decided to break into a rich man's house one night. To avoid being seen by anyone they decided to enter through the chimney. Unaware that the rich man was at home the first thief began to climb down the chimney, quite noisily.
"Who's there?" asked the rich man.
"Meow, meow," said the first thief imitating a cat. Convinced that it was only a cat the rich man went back to watching the television. After a while the second thief began to make his way down the chimney, just as noisily as the first thief.
"Who's there?" asked the rich man once again.
Convinced that he could trick the rich man the second thief replied quite confidently: " It's just another cat, sir!"
March 15, 2012
There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad he's done too!!!"
March 14, 2012
It was young Anthony's first ride in a railway train, and the succession of wonders reduced him to a state of hysterical astonishment.
The train rounded a slight bend and, with a shriek of its whistle, plunged into a tunnel. There were gasps of surprise from the corner where Anthony was kneeling.
Suddenly the train rushed into broad daylight again, and a small voice lifted in wonder.
"It's tomorrow!" exclaimed the small boy.
March 13, 2012
In this particular branch of the Army's officer training school, the instructor was returning a test. The students identified their work by the last four digits of their Social Security number. In the early hours of a morning, the instructor was calling the numbers.
"Four-seven-seven-zero?" he asked.
"Here," replied one half-awake lieutenant-to-be. Taking the paper, though, he realized he had mistakenly asked for the wrong paper.
"Seven-zero-seven-five?" asked the instructor.
"Here," repeated the student, gearing for trouble.
"I thought you were four-seven-seven-zero, soldier," spoke the teacher.
"That's right, sir," answered our hero. "I have a nick-number."
March 12, 2012
"You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the Judge.
"Yes," answered the suspect.
"And what did you steal?"
"A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject.
"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!"
"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But three times my wife didn't like the color."
March 11, 2012
An eminent psychologist was called to testify in court. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.
"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.
Tilting back in her chair, she opened her mouth to answer, when she was catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.
Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair, and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."
March 10, 2012
A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded,
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was *pregnant*?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"
March 9, 2012
The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Smith turned to his wife and said "Show him your tooth, Honey."
March 8, 2012
Former CBS news anchor Walter Cronkite was traveling through an airport with his wife, Betsy, when he was approached by a woman who thought he looked familiar.
"You know, you look a lot like Walter Cronkite before he died, only a bit heavier," she observed.
"I've heard that," said the gravelly-voiced newsman, who then turned to his wife and asked,
"What did Cronkite die of?"
Without missing a beat, Betsy responded, "Thinness."
March 7, 2012
A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."
March 6, 2012
I was talking on the phone with my son, who was stationed in Hawaii with the Air Force. He was explaining how the troops were learning to scuba-dive.
They used the buddy system, he said, and occasionally dived into shark-infested waters.
Listening on the extension, my daughter asked, "What do you do if you see a shark?"
My son said, "Swim faster than my buddy."
March 5, 2012
This old man goes to the doctor's.
"Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is make love all day long."
"So what's the problem?"
"I can't remember where I live."
March 4, 2012
When you're a parent you become an idiot. It's not our fault. It's the television shows we watch. I used to watch the news. Now I watch Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers.
I want to buy a car, determined to give the salesman a run for his money. I had forgotten: I'm an idiot. I walked up to him and said, "The car is nice. The look is handsome. But the price you ask is a king's ransom.
There is no need for me to stay. I will not buy this car today."
Wait a minute, I thought. I just became Dr. Seuss for a second! The salesman was obviously a parent because he said, "Would you? Could you? On a dare, buy this car with factory air? If I throw in a music box, would you buy this Audi Fox?"
I said, "I would not, could not on a dare, I do not want your factory air. I would not buy it in the rain. I would not buy it on a train. Not in a house. Not in a mouse.
Not in a goat. Not in a moat. I don't care if it runs on green eggs & ham, I will not buy it Sam I Am!
March 3, 2012
A farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked the price of their toilet paper.
The company wrote back and told him to look on page #287.
He wrote another letter back, "If I had your catalog, I wouldn't need your toilet paper."
March 2, 2012
Alex, a widower, went to a dance at the Senior's Center. There he met Ruth, a woman also in her golden years. Alex and Ruth danced every dance together.
Afterward, they went out for coffee. As they walked home, Ruth said, "You remind me of my fourth husband."
"Really?" Alex replied, "How many times have
you been married?"
March 1, 2012
One evening Mick drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
Later that night the Mick and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly, he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.
"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"