March 31, 2013
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs.
March 30, 2013
The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year now. You started off in the mail room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-president. Now, it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company.
What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied "Is that all you can say?"
"I suppose not," the employee said.
"Thanks, Dad." he added.
March 29, 2013
An American hunting in the north woods, along with his guest, a Scotsman in America for the first time.
At one point, a large animal thrashed across their field of vision. the American, caught by surprise, had no time to take aim and fire, and the Scotsman, startled, said, "What was that?"
"A moose," said the disappointed American.
"A moose!" cried the Scotsman. "Are you serious! It that was a moose, then I dinna care to see one o' your r-r-r-rots."
March 28, 2013
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat
Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table!
Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another. After a week the parrot finally
said: "OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"
March 27, 2013
The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.
"Does the hole go all the way through?"
"Did it hurt?"
"Just a little."
"Did they stick a needle through your ears?"
"No, they used a special gun."
Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out,
"How far away did they stand?"
March 26, 2013
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum shatters the peace.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose.”
March 25, 2013
Penny dropped in on her neighbor and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
The neighbor told her that she had "morning sickness."
Surprised, the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant again!"
"I'm not," the harried young woman replied, "I'm just sick of mornings."
March 24, 2013
The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a department store window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared me half to death!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry. Really, it's not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
March 23, 2013
The judge made room on his busy calendar to hear the pleas of one Senora Rodriguez that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently.
"For stealing a loaf of bread," replied the offender's wife, nervously fingering her mantilla.
"Is he such a good husband?"
"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and really not much good at all."
"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"
"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."
March 22, 2013
One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back.
He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar:
"Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. "
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."
March 21, 2013
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you.
You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life.
Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.
All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,
"So, what's the catch?"
March 20, 2013
While ferrying workers back and forth from an offshore oil rig, the helicopter lost power and went down.
Fortunately, it landed safely in the lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and jerked open the exit door. "Don't jump!" the pilot yelled, "This thing is supposed to float!"
As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to FLY too!"
March 19, 2013
"He's great on the court," a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach. "But how's his scholastic work?"
"Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach.
"Wonderful!" said the sportswriter.
"Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked.
March 18, 2013
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within five minutes!”
March 17, 2013
Q: Why do people
wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Q: How can you
tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
Q: What would you
get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
Q: Are people
jealous of the Irish?
Q: What would you
get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
Q: Why are
leprechauns so hard to get along with?
"I married an
Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
March 16, 2013
The President of the US was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.
"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."
"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."
March 15, 2013
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"
March 14, 2013
There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 911.
"You gotta help me find my parrot!"
The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you with that, ma'am. This number only deals with emergencies."
But the lady persisted, and finally the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days.
Out of desperation, the lady begged, "But you don't understand! The only thing he says is "Here, kitty, kitty!!!"
March 13, 2013
Upon waking up, Joan told her husband Jack, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," Jack said.
That evening, Jack came home with a package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it up to find a book titled, "The Meaning of Dreams".
March 12, 2013
Julia was a typical four year-old girl—cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.
When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, " that's when mommy came to work for us."
March 11, 2013
At a pharmacy, a woman of questionable intelligence asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
"That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
March 10, 2013
Two recruits are on latrine detail, sweeping up soiled bits of toilet paper around the latrines. Just as they get all the bits swept up into a pile for collection, a gust of wind grabs one piece and sends it swirling into the camp, high above the heads of both soldiers. To their horror, it goes right in the window of the Colonel's office.
One soldier says to the other," I'll go in and get it. The old man is short sighted, half-deaf and naps a lot. I should be fine."
So off he goes, slipping quietly into the Colonel's office. He comes back a minute later, shaking his head.
"Well, did you get it?" says the first soldier.
"No," the second sighs," I was too late. The old man had already signed it..."
March 9, 2013
Old Harold had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 90% better.
When Old Harold went back in a month the doctor asked, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The elderly gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
March 8, 2013
Customer: I'm calling about the "dime-a-minute" rate. I want to sign up for that.
Phone Company: Certainly, Sir! Just let me get some information from you.
Customer: Right, well, can you go ahead and tell me when I'll get my first check?
Phone Company: What, Sir?
Customer: Well, since you're going to give me a dime a minute, I wondered when I'll start getting paid.
Phone Company: No, Sir, we don't PAY you.
Customer: You mean this is a FRAUD?
Phone Company: No, Sir! It's just that we don't PAY you the dime a minute. Let me let you talk to a supervisor.
....long conversation with supervisor...
Phone Company: Now do you understand, Sir?
Customer: I guess so. Could we talk about the "friends- and-family" plan? I've always wanted a little brother.
March 7, 2013
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday.
March 6, 2013
A little old lady from Tampa, called the police some time in mid September and reported that one of her lawn ornaments, a painted cement duck, was stolen from her lawn. Rather Distressed, she felt that she had to make the report, to have it known that there are thieving vandals in the area.
Police noted the report, and let it slide.
Two weeks later, the lady received a letter in the mail, written in the standard ransom note format, cut out letters, etc. but enclosed in the letter were several pictures of her lawn ornament.
The cement duck was dressed in a Lei with sunglasses and an alcoholic beverage. It was poised on a beach, with towels, and sunscreen, right near a sign that stated Wai-ki-ki beach.
The ransom note, not really a ransom note at all, read:
Having a good time, wish you were here.
March 5, 2013
A church had to hire a new pastor. Over the protests of one vocal male member a woman was hired as the new senior pastor.
After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take the new pastor fishing.
The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along.
The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake.
When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that he guess they would just have to go back and get it.
The pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.
The old grouch said, "See I told you we never should have hired that woman. She can't even swim."
March 4, 2013
Son: Dad, do you think that the American Indians were superior to the white men who took this land from them?
Father: You bet. When the Indians were the sole occupants of this land, they had no taxes, no national debt, no centralized government, no military draft, no foreign aid programs, no banks, no stock markets, no nuclear weapons, and their women did all the work. What could be more superior to that?
March 3, 2013
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the
typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and
trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign “also” says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
March 2, 2013
The teacher spent the entire hour reading to her class about the bison family.
When she had finished, she said, “Name some things that are very dangerous to get near to and have horns.”
Little Johnny spoke up without hesitation, “Automobiles?”
March 1, 2013
German scientists dug 50 meters down in the underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.
The Russian government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down they found small pieces of glass. They soon announced that 35,000 years ago, the ancient Russians already had a nationwide fiber net.
American scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters down in the underground, but found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Americans 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.