Dans Daily
Jokes On You


March, 2015

Old Sayings The Message Women Drivers
The Glass The Interview The Broom
Trick Or Treat Express Lane No Reservation Needed
The Bride What You Want Them to Say The Unfaithful Wife
I Want You To Marry Bob The Pumpkin Patch Three Vampires Walk Into A Bar
Bump In The Night Family History Washing Instructions
This Is Only A Test Careful What You Wish For Little Johnny
Up And At 'em The Diagnosis Backseat Sewing
When I Grow Up What Kind Is It Trouble with Bats
How Government Works The Parrot Lunch Date
Let's See You Do It 















March 31, 2015

Let's See You Do It

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!


March 30, 2015

Lunch Date

Two lawyers made a date to have lunch together. The first person showed up on time, but the second person didn't show until 1-1/2 hours after they were supposed to meet...

1st lawyer: "How come you're so late?"

2nd lawyer: "Oh, I ran over a beer bottle and got a flat tire..."

1st lawyer: "A beer bottle? Didn't you see it in the road?"

2nd lawyer: "No, the guy had it under his coat..."


March 29, 2015

The Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!

She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."


March 28, 2015


Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”

So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost,” so they laid off the night watchman.


March 27, 2015

Trouble with Bats

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said, “Since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything–noise, spray, cats–nothing seems to scare them away.”

Another said, “Me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.”

The third said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church. Haven’t seen one back since.”


March 26, 2015

What Kind Is It

A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard. “Can you tell me what kind it is?” she asked.

“Can you describe it?” asked the warden.

“Yes,” she said. “It’s long and thin.”


March 25, 2015

When I Grow Up

One day my young son declared, “When I grow up, I’m going to marry Mommy.”

“You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister.

“Then I’ll marry you.”

“You can’t marry me either.”

He looked confused, so I explained, “You can’t marry someone in your own family.”

“You mean I have to marry a total stranger?!” he cried.


March 24, 2015

Backseat Sewing

A wife was sitting peacefully in her cozy armchair sewing her husband’s socks.

Her husband came in to the room and glanced at what she was doing, and started badgering, “HONEY be more careful! PLEASE WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING! You don’t want to poke YOUR finger! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! Don’t look up when YOU'RE SEWING! There you go now slow and steady, nice even stitches.

The wife puts down the needle and thread, looks up at her husband, and says, “What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know how many times I’ve sewn socks before?!"



March 23, 2015

The Diagnosis

“I hate to have to tell you this”, said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice, “but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.”

“That’s terrible!” Said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine…and the cheese and bologna diet… What’s with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I’ve never of such a diet before?!”

“It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Doctor, “it’s just the only food that will fit under the door!”


March 22, 2015

Up And At 'em

I slept terribly last night.

So I decided to put two monster energy drinks in my coffee this morning.

I was halfway to work when I realized that I forgot my car.


March 21, 2015

Little Johnny

Little Johnny went with his mom to church every Sunday.

One morning in the middle of the service Little Johnny complained that he was feeling a bit queasy and was afraid he was going to puke. 

“No problem dear,” whispered his Mom in his ear, “just head on over to the bathroom on the other side of the Church, and take care of it there.”

Thirty seconds later Little Johnny came back.

“Did you go to the bathroom?” questioned his Mom.

“No need” responded Little Johnny . “Right outside the door was a big box with a sign next to it ‘for the sick’, so I just did it in there!”


March 20, 2015

Careful What You Wish For

A man and his wife, now in their 60′s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.

Whoosh…immediately he turned ninety!!!


March 19, 2015

This Is Only A Test

A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as “guinea pigs” in a test of emergency systems.

A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units. One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay “wounded” for several hours.

When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: “Have bled to death and gone home.”


March 18, 2015

Washing Instructions

One day I decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after I stepped into the laundry room, I shouted to my wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

I yelled back, “University of Oklahoma.”


March 17, 2015

Family History

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."


March 16, 2015

Bump In The Night

A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a




behind him. Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.




The man begins to run toward his home, but the coffin just keeps bouncing quickly after him.






He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin flapping.




The coffin is right on the heels of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. With a crash, the coffin breaks down the door. Coming slowly toward him, the man is screaming and he reaches for something, anything.

All he can find is a box of cough drops.

Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin.

And, of course, the coffin stops!


March 15, 2015

Three Vampires Walk Into A Bar


Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"


March 14, 2015

The Pumpkin Patch


John, a city slicker from Boston, bought a pumpkin patch. He thought that he could make more money from chickens than the previous owner made from pumpkins, so he went to a poultry farm and bought 50 chickens.


'50 is a lot of chickens for that little pumpkin patch,' commented the proprietor. 


'I am used to big business' John replied.'


A week later John was back at the farm. 'I need another 50 chickens,' he said. 


'Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming,' the poultry farmer told him.


'Oh yes,' John replied. 'It' will be Ok if I can just iron out a few problems.' 


'Problems?', asked the farmer. 


'Yeah,' replied the John, 'I think I planted that first batch too close together.'


March 13, 2015

I Want You To Marry Bob

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..

With his last breath John said, "I do!"


March 12, 2015

The Unfaithful Wife

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"


March 11, 2015

What You Want Them to Say

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"


March 10, 2015

The Bride

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.


March 9, 2015

No Reservation Needed

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.

"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.


March 8, 2015

Express Lane

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.


Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. 


Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"


March 7, 2015

Trick Or Treat

My fellow firefighters and I are required to wear our full gear on all safety calls, even to advise homeowners of a county ordinance against burning leaves after dark.


Last Halloween, two co-workers waited on the porch of one such offending household, helmets in hand, until a woman finally opened the door.


Promptly dropping a candy bar into each helmet, she remarked, “You boys are a little old for this sort of thing, aren’t you?” and closed the door.


March 6, 2015

The Broom

I was waiting for my wife, at the checkout at Wal-Mart and I noticed that someone had left behind their broom.


When no one came to claim it, I went outside to search for a couple I remembered seeing at the cashier's desk. I spotted them getting into their truck and hurried over.


'Excuse me,' I said to the young woman, 'but did you by any chance leave your broom inside?'


'No,' she retorted quickly and with a smile, 'we came by truck.'


March 5, 2015

The Interview

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.


The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four."


The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?"


The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."


Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?"


The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."


Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"


The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says; "What do you want it to equal?" 


March 4, 2015

The Glass

A CEO of a large company is seeking advice on whether or not to downsize his company. He turns to his eternally optimistic secretary and asks, "Is this glass half full or half empty?"


Well you know me, she replies, "be thankful for what you have. It's half full!"


He then turns to his eternally pessimistic accountant. "Well, is it half full, or half empty?"


He repeats. "Sir, you know my stance. There can always be more... It's half empty to me."


He then turns to the re-engineering consultant sitting next to him. "Well, you can see my dilemma. What do you think?"


The consultant looks at the half full glass of water, and then looks up at the CEO.


"Well, looks like you've got more glass there than you need."


March 3, 2015

Women Drivers

Fred rushes in and announces loudly, 'I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was this woman in a Jaguar doing at least 70 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her mascara.


I looked away for a couple seconds and then the next thing I knew was she was careering all over my lane.

It scared me so badly that I dropped my electric shaver into my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell  phone.'


March 2, 2015

The Message

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your Newsletter and several letters posted to you - Press 5

If you want us to bring up your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To complain about school lunches - Press 8

To complain about bus transport - Press 9


If you realize this is the real world, and your child must be accountable and responsible for their own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a really wonderful day!


March 1, 2015

Old Sayings

A first grade teacher collected well known sayings. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the saying and asked them to come up with the rest. Here’s how they answered:

It’s always darkest before………daylight savings time.

You can lead a horse to water but …..how?

Don’t bite the hand that…..looks dirty.

A penny saved is…….not much.


Children should be seen and not….. spanked or grounded.


There is no fool like…….Aunt Edie.


Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and…….you have to blow your nose.