March 31, 2015
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.
"Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!
March 30, 2015
lawyers made a date to have lunch together. The first person showed up on time,
but the second person didn't show until 1-1/2 hours after they were supposed to
2nd lawyer: "Oh, I ran over a beer bottle and got a flat tire..."
1st lawyer: "A beer bottle? Didn't you see it in the road?"
2nd lawyer: "No, the guy had it under his coat..."
March 29, 2015
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
March 28, 2015
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).
Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.
Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.
Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”
So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).
Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost,” so they laid off the night watchman.
March 27, 2015
Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said, “Since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything–noise, spray, cats–nothing seems to scare them away.”
Another said, “Me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.”
The third said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church. Haven’t seen one back since.”
March 26, 2015
A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard. “Can you tell me what kind it is?” she asked.
“Can you describe it?” asked the warden.
“Yes,” she said. “It’s long and thin.”
March 25, 2015
One day my young son declared, “When I grow up, I’m going to marry Mommy.”
“You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister.
“Then I’ll marry you.”
“You can’t marry me either.”
He looked confused, so I explained, “You can’t marry someone in your own family.”
“You mean I have to marry a total stranger?!” he cried.
March 24, 2015
A wife was sitting peacefully in her cozy armchair sewing her husband’s socks.
Her husband came in to the room and glanced at what she was doing, and started badgering, “HONEY be more careful! PLEASE WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING! You don’t want to poke YOUR finger! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! Don’t look up when YOU'RE SEWING! There you go now slow and steady, nice even stitches.
The wife puts down the needle and thread, looks up at her husband, and says, “What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know how many times I’ve sewn socks before?!"“EXACTLY THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO GET AT”, hollered the husband, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’VE DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE!?"
March 23, 2015
“I hate to have to tell you this”, said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice, “but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.”
“That’s terrible!” Said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine…and the cheese and bologna diet… What’s with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I’ve never of such a diet before?!”“It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Doctor, “it’s just the only food that will fit under the door!”
March 22, 2015
I slept terribly last night.
So I decided to put two monster energy drinks in my coffee this morning.
I was halfway to work when I realized that I forgot my car.
March 21, 2015
Little Johnny went with his mom to church every Sunday.
One morning in the middle of the service Little Johnny complained that he was feeling a bit queasy and was afraid he was going to puke.
“No problem dear,” whispered his Mom in his ear, “just head on over to the bathroom on the other side of the Church, and take care of it there.”
Thirty seconds later Little Johnny came back.
“Did you go to the bathroom?” questioned his Mom.“No need” responded Little Johnny . “Right outside the door was a big box with a sign next to it ‘for the sick’, so I just did it in there!”
March 20, 2015
A man and his wife, now in their 60′s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.
Whoosh…immediately he turned ninety!!!
March 19, 2015
A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as “guinea pigs” in a test of emergency systems.
mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were
to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units. One Scout was supposed to
lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind
schedule, and the Scout lay “wounded” for several hours.
March 18, 2015
One day I decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after I stepped into the laundry room, I shouted to my wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
I yelled back, “University of Oklahoma.”
March 17, 2015
Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America
on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street
March 16, 2015
A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a
behind him. Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
The man begins to run toward his home, but the coffin just keeps bouncing quickly after him.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin flapping.
The coffin is right on the heels of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. With a crash, the coffin breaks down the door. Coming slowly toward him, the man is screaming and he reaches for something, anything.
All he can find is a box of cough drops.
Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin.
And, of course, the coffin stops!
March 15, 2015
vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of
March 14, 2015
John, a city slicker from Boston, bought a pumpkin patch. He thought that he could make more money from chickens than the previous owner made from pumpkins, so he went to a poultry farm and bought 50 chickens.
'50 is a lot of chickens for that little pumpkin patch,' commented the proprietor.
'I am used to big business' John replied.'
A week later John was back at the farm. 'I need another 50 chickens,' he said.
'Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming,' the poultry farmer told him.
'Oh yes,' John replied. 'It' will be Ok if I can just iron out a few problems.'
'Problems?', asked the farmer.
'Yeah,' replied the John, 'I think I planted that first batch too close together.'
March 13, 2015
was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request,
dear," he said.
course, John," his wife said softly.
months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
March 12, 2015
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy What do you think I should do?"
March 11, 2015
friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your
casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what
would you like them to say?"
said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man."
commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and
servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
March 10, 2015
eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father
and placed something in his hand.
guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the
priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
March 9, 2015
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.
They were seated immediately.
March 8, 2015
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
March 7, 2015
fellow firefighters and I are required to wear our full gear on all safety
calls, even to advise homeowners of a county ordinance against burning leaves
Halloween, two co-workers waited on the porch of one such offending household,
helmets in hand, until a woman finally opened the door.
Promptly dropping a candy bar into each helmet, she remarked, “You boys are a little old for this sort of thing, aren’t you?” and closed the door.
March 6, 2015
was waiting for my wife, at the checkout at Wal-Mart and I noticed that someone
had left behind their broom.
no one came to claim it, I went outside to search for a couple I remembered
seeing at the cashier's desk. I spotted them getting into their truck and
'Excuse me,' I said to the young woman, 'but did you by any chance leave your broom inside?'
'No,' she retorted quickly and with a smile, 'we came by truck.'
March 5, 2015
mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two
equal?" The mathematician replies "Four."
interviewer asks "Four, exactly?"
mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four,
the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do
two plus two equal?"
accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on
the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do
two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says; "What do you want it to equal?"
March 4, 2015
CEO of a large company is seeking advice on whether or not to downsize his
company. He turns to his eternally optimistic secretary and asks, "Is this
glass half full or half empty?"
you know me, she replies, "be thankful for what you have. It's half
then turns to his eternally pessimistic accountant. "Well, is it half full,
or half empty?"
repeats. "Sir, you know my stance. There can always be more... It's half
empty to me."
then turns to the re-engineering consultant sitting next to him. "Well, you
can see my dilemma. What do you think?"
consultant looks at the half full glass of water, and then looks up at the CEO.
"Well, looks like you've got more glass there than you need."
March 3, 2015
rushes in and announces loudly, 'I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to
traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left
and there was this woman in a Jaguar doing at least 70 mph with her face up next
to her rear view mirror putting on her mascara.
I looked away for a couple seconds and then the next thing I knew was she was careering all over my lane.
It scared me so badly that I dropped my electric shaver into my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone.'
March 2, 2015
You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to
assist you in connecting to the right member of staff, please listen to all the
options before making a selection:
lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work - Press 2
complain about what we do - Press 3
swear at staff members - Press 4
ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your Newsletter
and several letters posted to you - Press 5
you want us to bring up your child - Press 6
you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
complain about school lunches - Press 8
complain about bus transport - Press 9
If you realize this is the real world, and your child must be accountable and responsible for their own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a really wonderful day!
March 1, 2015
A first grade teacher collected well known sayings. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the saying and asked them to come up with the rest. Here’s how they answered:
It’s always darkest before………daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but …..how?
Don’t bite the hand that…..looks dirty.
penny saved is…….not much.
should be seen and not….. spanked or grounded.
is no fool like…….Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and…….you have to blow your nose.