April 30, 2015
Lynn belongs to our Diet Club and she was lamenting that she had gained weight.
She told us that she had made her family's favorite luscious cake over the weekend, and added that they'd eaten half of it at dinner that evening.
The next day, Lynn continued, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake had vanished.
She went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be so disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.
Lynn smiled broadly and quipped, 'He never found out. I made another cake and ate half of that too.'
April 29, 2015
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
'I got a cook book once', said the first, 'but I could never do anything with it.'
'Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?' asked the second.
You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'
April 28, 2015
While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.
When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement that had helped him to get better right away.
When I asked what it was, he said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural antibiotic.
I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."
April 27, 2015
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
April 26, 2015
My wife doesn't complain often, but once she was having an old-fashioned "heart to heart" with me and said, "Hun, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far away look in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you'll try to work on that."
The last thing I remember was replying, "I'm sorry, what was that you were saying?"
April 25, 2015
Jones called the doctor's office and was met with this response by the
secretary, "This is Dr. Whitman's office. What would you like to talk
April 24, 2015
new bride had spent two hours preparing her first breakfast. She sat down at the
table, eagerly watching as her husband slowly savored each forkful.
April 23, 2015
At a wedding ceremony I was performing, I raised my hand to give the final blessing.
The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five.
Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too.
I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests.
April 22, 2015
Scott was working at a lumberyard pushing a tree through a saw when he accidentally shears off all four of his fingers.
He rushed to the emergency room of a nearby hospital where the doctor took a look and said, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."
"I haven't got the fingers." Scott replied.
The doctor said, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? This is the age of medical advances. We've got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn't you bring me the fingers?"
"Well, heck, doctor. I tried, but I couldn't pick 'em up."
April 21, 2015
was behind the bakery's cash register one morning when a gunman burst in and
demanded all the cash.
April 20, 2015
A man called his mother in Florida.
"Mom, how are you"?
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak"?
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days"?
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
April 19, 2015
Soon after their last child left home for college, Bernadette's husband was resting next to her on the couch with his head in her lap.
She carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
April 18, 2015
It's Black Friday and mall is packed with shoppers and Frank can't find his wife.
He goes up to a very attractive woman and says 'Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the shopping mall somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The attractive woman replies "Why?"
Frank replies "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materializes out of thin air."
April 17, 2015
A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES.
The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE
April 16, 2015
in Dallas calls his son in New York just before Thanksgiving and tells him,
"I'm sorry to tell you but your mother and I are getting a divorce. I just
cannot tolerate any more of her constant complaining. We can't stand the sight
of each other any more. I'm telling you first, Jerry, because you're the oldest.
Please tell your sister."
April 15, 2015
A man was driving along the road when all of a sudden he has to swerve to avoid a box falling off the lorry in front.
April 14, 2015
visited our newly married daughter, who was preparing her first Thanksgiving
dinner. I noticed the turkey thawing in the kitchen sink with a dish drainer
inverted over the bird. I asked why a drainer covered the turkey.
April 13, 2015
I worked on the turnpike, answering the phone, collecting money and issuing toll tickets.
One Thanksgiving Day, a woman called to ask about road conditions on the turnpike.
After I said everything was A-okay, she told me a friend was coming for dinner.
Then came the stumper. “If my friend just left from exit twelve,” she asked, “what time should I put the turkey in?”
April 12, 2015
industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a
April 11, 2015
I had worked late and my Labrador was so overjoyed to see me arrive home that he jumped up just as I leaned down. Our heads collided and I sported an impressive shiner for several weeks.
I had to repeat frequently to co-workers and friends how I came by it and one day on the elevator, a secretary whom I hadn't seen for some time looked at my black eye and exclaimed, "My goodness, what happened to you?"
"The dog did it," I wearily replied.
A man standing next to us looked over at me and said knowingly, "Ah, you must own a boxer."
April 10, 2015
kids were in the habit of teasing Timmy by repeatedly offering him a choice
between a nickel and a dime.
April 9, 2015
I live New Jersey, the home of Rutgers University.
The new flock of kids attending college always includes those who need a little help with everyday chores they themselves never did before, such as laundry or grocery shopping.
One day, I was in the dairy aisle for some eggs. As usual, I opened the carton to check them over before putting them in my cart. Beside me, a young man did the same to his carton and then leaned toward me and asked, "What are we looking for?"
April 8, 2015
A politician and his wife were having dinner at a fashionable restaurant. Since he was well known, a great many people stopped at their table and shook hands and spoke. Each time, the politician would tell his friends about his recent fishing trip.
After awhile his wife whispered to him, "I think it's nice that so many people stop to speak to you. And I see nothing wrong with you telling them about your fishing trip. But, each time you tell about the fish you caught, you change the size of the fish and the number. Why in the world do you do that?
"Well," he said to his wife. "I know all of those people. They are voters and I want them to trust me and take me at my word. So, I make a practice never to tell them more than I think they will believe."
April 7, 2015
Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public.
when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice,
went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home, I found a
card saying the
After apologizing, I got her parcel.
"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"
"What is it"? I asked.
"My husband's new hearing aid."
April 5, 2015
A customer kept bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on.
Surprisingly, the waiter walked back and forth and never once got angry. After half an hour, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter, smiling. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
April 4, 2015
Three cowboys were waiting for their friend to show up at the corral with his new car. "I know that smart aleck," said the first. "He's gonna start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."
"Naw," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."
"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both."
Just then, the door swung open. "Audi, partners!"
April 3, 2015
A generally good-humored boss was finally compelled to call an employee into his office about the sick leave policy.
"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed the bashfully grinning employee. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"
April 2, 2015
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
April 1, 2015
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”
“What’s the matter?” I asked.
“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”
“That’ll teach them!” I replied.