May 31, 2015
During a tour at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum, a New York City woman mentioned that she was raising a type of cactus in a pot on her apartment balcony.
Another tourist asked her how she kept from watering it too much, because the cactus would die if over-watered.
"I subscribe to the Tucson newspaper," replied the New Yorker. "Every time I read that it rained in the desert, I give my plant some water."
May 30, 2015
My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that stock we bought and I said you'd be able to retire at age 65?"
"Yes, I remember," I said.
"Well," my broker continued. "Your retirement age is now 108."
May 29, 2015
A woman, her husband and their three rambunctious young sons were in their car waiting at a traffic light. The woman glanced over at the car next to them, noticing a blissfully happy mother with her baby daughter.
Looking at her husband, she said, "As soon as I lose my weight from the last baby, I want to try for a daughter."The husband reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of snacks and said, "Here, have another cookie."
May 28, 2015
Two mothers were talking about their sons.
The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."
The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."
"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."
"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."
May 27, 2015
I tried to explain to a client why I couldn’t help him with a project that was written in a program code that I didn’t know.
“Let’s say you’re asking me to write something in a specific language. Now, I’m fluent in English and Spanish, but your project is in Chinese. Since I don’t understand Chinese, I’m not your best option. You need someone who is fluent in this specific language. See?”
He said he did and thanked me.
The next morning, I got a call from another developer asking, “Why is So-and-So asking us if we’re fluent in Chinese?”
May 26, 2015
None of Tony's grandsons share his corny sense of humor.
When the family is eating lasagna, he says, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get less-on-ya.”
He'll tell the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.”
And when he took another grandson to the zoo, he asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.”
He always tells me they’ll probably laugh later.
May 25, 2015
A guy goes to a bar that’s on the tenth floor of a hotel, sits down and has a couple of drinks. He then stands up, announces loudly that he has
Two men who are sitting at a window table watch as this man plummets to certain death. However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself, and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed.
The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process.
The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that.
He replies “It’s simple, really. There’s an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems.” Then he proceeded to jump out the window again.
Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! — made a mess hitting all over the ground.
Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says “Superman, you sure are a mean drunk."
May 24, 2015
A man is complaining to a friend: “I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a nice car, a great motorcycle, the love of a beautiful woman. Then it was all gone!”
“What happened?” asks the friend.
“My wife found out!” replied the man.
May 23, 2015
My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu, she was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse.
After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor.
After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor looked my daughter in the eye and said, “So what would you say is bothering you the most?”Without skipping a beat my daughter promptly answered, “Billy, he always breaks my toys!”
May 22, 2015
One day, a cowboy rode into a Wild, Wild West town. The people in the town loved to play jokes on visitors.
After tying his horse to the pole outside a bar, the cowboy went in. "A cup of milk please." he said to the bartender. After drinking, he went out, only to find his horse missing.
Knowing that the villagers did it, he went back into the bar and said to everybody," I am going to have another drink and when I finish it, I want to see my horse outside! Or else, I will have to do what I did in Texas - HERE!"
The people were very frightened. When he finished his drink, he went outside and saw his horse. The villagers had put it back.
Curious, the bartender asked the cowboy,” What did you do in Texas?"
The Cowboy replied," Well, I had to walk home."
May 21, 2015
I was coming back from visiting my son in my Miami and I stopped at a rest stop to use the bathroom.
I just was in the stall when I heard a voice coming from the stall next to mine, “Hey! How’s it going?”
Although I was quite surprised, and I wasn’t in the habit of conversing to the people next to me in the stall, I nevertheless answered him, “I’m fine. Thanks for asking.”
“What are you doing?” Asked the same voice.
To be honest I was a bit taken aback by the brazenness of this fellow, but I would never ignore anyone so I calmly answered, “I’m relieving myself.”
Then I heard the same voice again, “I’m going to have to call you back, some smart-aleck is answering all of my questions.”
May 20, 2015
A man walks into a bar obviously stone drunk, and asks for a drink.
"Sorry" the bartender says, "but you obviously already had a little too much to drink."
Fuming mad, the drunk walks out the front door and walks into the side door. “Can I have a drink please."
“Sorry” the bartender says “but you can’t have a drink here.”
The drunk walks out and goes in through the back door. “Can I please have a drink.”
“Enough!” The bartender screams “I told you no drinks!”The Drunk looks at the bartender closely and exclaims “Darn! how many bars do you work at?"
May 19, 2015
Once Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Green met during a New Year's party.
an hour talking and drinking Mrs. Smith told her friend, "They call my
husband 'The Exorcist.'"
May 18, 2015
A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise.
Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us for our 5:30 a.m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
After a month of running, we decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what "runner’s euphoria" was.
"Runner’s euphoria," he explained, "is what I feel at 5:30 on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays."
May 17, 2015
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
May 16, 2015
A man was sent to prison for 20 years. He was so bored while in there; he found an ant and decided to teach it tricks - like beg, play dead, roll over, jump hair etc. He served his time and was released.
He took his ant with him in a matchbox. The first place he went was to a bar. He sat down, took out the matchbox and emptied out the ant. He then said to the guy beside him, "You are not gonna believe what this ant can do."
He showed him all the tricks and the guy was impressed. He told him that he could make a fortune with the ant.
The guy with the ant was excited and called the bartender over and said "You see that ant?" The bartender put his finger on the ant, twisted it and said "Sorry sir it won't happen again."
May 15, 2015
My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework.
One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.”
His response: “Receipts.”
"The jury," he said, "is to convene to the guilty room."
May 14, 2015
A friend of mine had just become a district court judge and was nervous about presiding impartially over his first criminal trial.
a former prosecutor, he could see the preponderance of evidence was clearly
against the defendant.
"The jury," he said, "is to convene to the guilty room."
May 13, 2015
A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English, but I found that many people spoke only their native tongue, including the ticket inspector on the train.
punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a
he had gone, an American woman in the compartment leaned forward and asked
"No," I confessed.
"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."
May 12, 2015
My brother-in-law came home to an empty house one day and decided he would start dinner. First, he wanted to make the salad. He searched high and low for the big bowl for making the salad and finally found it in the refrigerator, half full of Kool Aid.
"Who the heck put Kool Aid in a bowl?" He looked around and found some empty pop bottles, rinsed them out and using a funnel, transferred the Kool Aid to the pop bottles and returned them to the fridge. He then made the salad and started the rest of the dinner.
Later, my sister came home. She had been to the store and was putting some things in the fridge, when suddenly she asked her husband, "Who the heck put my Jello in pop bottles?"
May 11, 2015
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but he lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He instinctively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry." the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams, and he shares his. She listens. After she pays for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ...and stay for breakfast.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The man is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said." You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every man you meet?""No," she replies... "You just happened to catch my eye."
May 10, 2015
weeks a six-year-old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby
brother or sister that was expected at his house.
May 9, 2015
Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.
"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked
"Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the other guy answered, "there's crazy people in California and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."
"Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life, and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
May 8, 2015
Farmer Don was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being God's creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.
Don was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit I noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.
So I asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"
"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed," Farmer Don told me, "and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."
May 7, 2015
Two men were discussing what brought happiness in life.
first man asked, "Would you be more content with six million dollars or six
May 6, 2015
Ricky was at the mall and went into a toy shop, picked up a toy plane, gave the shopkeeper Monopoly money and started to leave.
The shopkeeper told him, "Excuse me little boy, this isn't real money."
Ricky continued walking out of the shop and didn't reply.
The shopkeeper repeated himself, and Ricky kept walking.
The third time the shopkeeper called him, Ricky said "What?"
The shopkeeper said, "I'm sorry, young man, but this is not real money."
Ricky looked at the plane in his hands, looked at the shopkeeper and finally said, "And this isn't a real plane."
May 5, 2015
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
“It’s Pastor Dave from church, Mommy,” the child said to her mother. Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”
May 4, 2015
“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.
May 3, 2015
A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer -- I'm an asthmatic. I could have an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Because I'm drunk."
May 2, 2015
decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut on board.
After months of training, they placed all three in the shuttle and prepared for
May 1, 2015
A couple was sitting in the park.
Two dogs that were romping on the grass started to lick each other's faces.
The girl said, "They look like they're kissing."
The boy replied. "If you wouldn't mind, I think I'd like to give that a try."
The girl said, "I don't mind, but I'd be careful. The big white dog looks like it could be dangerous."