June 17, 2015
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.
"Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the man.
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"
The old man was so happy he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "so this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!"
June 16, 2015
While in college I had a job with a delivery company. As this was before GPS I was getting phone directions to a customer's home.
The woman very specifically said, "From the main road in the center of town, go down two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past one red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right and the number is on the mailbox."
As I entered the information into my computer, I asked, "What color is your house?"
The woman paused a second and said, "Hold on. I'll go check."
June 15, 2015
The hotel guest called room service, "I want a breakfast of two eggs burned black around the edges, undercooked bacon, weak coffee, watery orange juice, and cold, hard, unbuttered toast."
The room service clerk asked, "Why in the world would you want a terrible breakfast like that?"
June 14, 2015
An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform.
The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine replied, "God was busy so He sent me."
June 13, 2015
grubby little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother,
"Who am I?"
June 12, 2015
"It seems like all Alfred and I do any more is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then?""Oh, no! Not until I've lost another five pounds."
June 11, 2015
At a high school basketball game a kid sitting in the student section kept hollering at one particular official, “I got your cell phone.”
When there was a break in the game and the official happened to be on that end of the court, the official asked the student why he thought he had his cell phone.
The student replied. “Because it has 17 missed calls.”
June 10, 2015
My wife and I were making our own funeral arrangements and the director showed us into a room in which containers for ashes were on display.
After we looked at the choices, I asked my wife if she had decided.
She sighed, "Yes, the wood-finish one, as it will likely go into the ground."
After a moment's pause, however, she continued, "But I really prefer the blue one. You know I always look good in blue!"
June 9, 2015
My creative wife enjoys doing crafts, such as making potpourri boxes decorated with ribbon and lace. Sometimes she gets so involved that she disappears into her upstairs craft room for hours, forgetting about more mundane things, like making dinner.
One evening, I arrived home to find the kitchen empty again. But this time, I found a note that said, "Warning! Small craft advisory. Order us a pizza!"
June 8, 2015
"I've just had the most awful time. First, I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics and to top it all off, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."
"Wow! How did you ever manage to pull through?"
"I don't know. It was the toughest spelling test I ever had."
June 7, 2015
"How are you getting along with trying to date that new co-worker?"
"Not so bad. I'm getting some encouragement now."
"Really? Is she beginning to smile sweetly at you or something?"
"Not exactly, but last night, she said she's said no for the last time."
June 6, 2015
One day, a gorilla escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as in the newspapers, but no one reported seeing it.
At last, the gorilla was discovered in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo and the animal handlers were summoned to the library where they found it sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The gorilla was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible and the other was Darwin's "Origin of Species".
The zookeepers asked the gorilla what he was doing.
The gorilla replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
June 5, 2015
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
June 4, 2015
was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him a lesson. She
dressed up like Satan, and when her husband returned home from another bender,
she jumped out from behind the sofa and screamed.
June 3, 2015
One day at a family reunion, the grandparents were reminiscing.
The grandfather remarked, "I wonder what ever happened to the old-fashioned girls who fainted when a man kissed them."
The Grandmother gave him a withering look, "What I'd like to know," she said, "is what happened to the old-fashioned men who made them faint!"
June 2, 2015
Mrs. Smith pulled Mrs. Jones out of earshot of the porch, where Mrs. Jones' lovely young daughter, Linda, sat. "It is really none of my business," whispered Mrs. Smith, "but have you noticed what your daughter is doing?"
"Why, no. Is she up to anything special?"
Mrs. Smith leaned closer. "Haven't you noticed? She has started knitting tiny garments!"
Mrs. Jones' troubled brow cleared. "Well, thank goodness," she said smiling, "at last she has taken an interest in something besides running around with boys."
June 1, 2015
day I was reading a newspaper. On page two was a picture of a famous politician
and his gorgeous wife.