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Welcome
October, 2014
October 31, 2014 A
daring vacationer in Vienna is walking through a graveyard on Halloween when all
of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see
where it's coming from. She finally locates the source and finds it is coming
from a grave with a headstone that reads, "Ludwig van Beethoven." Then
she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played
backward. Puzzled,
she leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with her. By the time
they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the
Seventh Symphony, but it is also being played backward. Curious,
the ladies agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert,
the Fifth Symphony is playing and the expert concludes that the symphonies are
in fact being played in reverse order. By
the next day the word spread and a huge group gathered around the grave to hear
the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker
approaches the group. Someone
in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Oh, it's nothing to worry about," says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing."
October 30, 2014 All
eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They
reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed
something in his hand. The
guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest
smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
October 29, 2014 A
principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls
starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press
their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before
it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls
together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the
ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school
custodian waiting for them. The
principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean
the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just
how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was
to clean. The
custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He
then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded
to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
October 28, 2014 A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression “carrying a child” instead of “pregnant,” but the girl seemed satisfied. Sometime
later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighborhood, and the girl stood by
watching.
Here is how she described the scene to her parents: “There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and when he came out, he was pregnant.”
October 27, 2014 A
man from Poland goes to the optometrist. The doc shows him a chart: C
Z W X N Q S T A C Z "Can
you read this?" the optometrist asks. The Pole replies, "Read it? I know the guy!"
October 26, 2014 A
feisty 70-year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick
inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for
labor. "Labor
charges!" she exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes." The
repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every
house call. "Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.
October 25, 2014 One
day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the
parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the
yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive.
The
assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting
and can type really fast.''
''What
about the green one?'' the man asks.
The
assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer
incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What
about the red one?'' the man asks.
The
assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The
man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
October 24, 2014 The
bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy
answers, “A scotch, please.”
The
bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be five dollars,” to
which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything
for this.”
A
lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the
bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which
constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of
remuneration.”
The
bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a
drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
The
next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you
doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”
The
guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my
life!” The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You
must have a double.”
To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”
October 23, 2014 My town takes jury selection very seriously. So
much so that when it sends questionnaires to prospective jurors, every question
is expected to be answered in full, plain and simple sentences. No ifs, ands or
buts about it.
This
was evidenced by the juror's questionnaire I was sent.
It asked, "Do you speak, read and understand English? If no, explain."
October 22, 2014 A
salesman, an office manager, and their boss are walking to lunch when they find
an antique oil lamp. They rub it... POOF!
A genie comes out. The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so
I'll give each of you just one." "Me
first! Me first!" cries the office manager. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." POOF!
She's gone. In
astonishment, the salesman shouts: "Me next! Me next! I want to be in
Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, and the love of my
life." POOF!
He's gone. "Okay,
you're up," the genie says to the boss. The
boss says: "I want those two back in the office after lunch." **
The Moral of the Story: ** Always let your boss have the first say.
October 21, 2014 During
my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying, until she glanced
at my grandparents.
My
grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched
his hand.
That
was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing.
After
the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender
gesture triggered her outburst.
"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," grandmother replied, "but I was just checking his pulse."
October 20, 2014 Arthur
was walking through the woods when he came to a river. He walked along the bank
for a while looking for a way to get across.
After
a while he spotted someone else on the opposite bank, so he called out,
"How do I get to the other side?"
The other person yelled back, "You ARE on the other side!"
October 19, 2014 A
woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new doctors,
but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as
she ran down the hall. An
older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told Him her
story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The
older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and
demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has
four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was
pregnant?!" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
October 18, 2014 A
young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a
minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his
study and said to him , “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades
up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about
it.”
After
about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss
use of the car. They again went to the father’s study where his father said,
“Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve
studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”
The
young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking
about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long
hair, and even Jesus had long hair….”
To which his father replied… “Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!”
October 17, 2014 Glenn
and Scott are bungee-jumping one day when Glenn has a brainstorm, "You
know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in
Mexico."
Scott
agrees that it would be a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy
everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They
travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the
tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch
them at work.
When
everything is ready Glenn gives it a test jump. When he bounces at the end of
the cord and comes back up, Scott notices that Glenn has a few cuts and
scratches. Unfortunately, Scott isn't able catch him, so Glenn falls again,
bounces, and then comes back up.
This
time, Glenn is bruised and bleeding. Again, Scott misses him. Glenn goes down
again and this time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of
broken bones and is almost unconscious.
On
the next attempt, Scott finally catches him and pulls him in. "What
happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?"
Glenn catches his breath and replies, "No, the cord was fine, but tell me... what the heck is a piñata?"
October 16, 2014 A
frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate
that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like
to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti
looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog
says, "$30,000." The
teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad
is Mick Jagger, and that it is okay, he knows the bank manager. Patti
explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to
secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use
as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny
pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly
formed. Very
confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and
disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There is a
frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow
$30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny
pink elephant. "I mean, what IS this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."
October 15, 2014 In
a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The Nuns
gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
Back
at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Nun drank a
little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole
glass down to the last drop.
October 14, 2014 A young man was hitchhiking down south and a farmer driving an old pickup truck stopped to give him a lift. As
they were driving, the farmer started bragging about how good the local
moonshine whiskey was. The young man told the farmer that he didn’t drink very
much, and that moonshine would probably be too strong for his tastes.
“Nonsense!”
said the farmer. “You gotta try some.” He fished around behind him and
finally produced a small jug. “Here,” he said, handing the jar to the lad.
“Take a drink!”
“Oh,
no thanks,” said the young man. “I really don’t think I care for any.”
“No,
I insist,” pressed the farmer. “Have some.”
“No,
thanks — really,” said the young man.
The
farmer wasn’t going to take no for an answer. He stopped the truck and grabbed
his shotgun from the rack in back. He pointed the gun at the lad and roared,
“I said, take a drink!”
“Okay!
Okay!” said the young man. He took a few swallows and instantly realized just
how powerful the stuff was. His throat muscles tightened, his eyes watered, and
he made a choking sound.
“What
do you think of it?” asked the farmer. “Good, ain’t it?”
“Yeah,”
gasped the lad, afraid he would be forced to drink more if he disagreed, “I
guess so.”
Then the farmer handed the young man the shotgun and grinned. “Here! Now, you hold the gun on me and make me drink some!”
October 13, 2014 A man is walking his dog and passes a little restaurant. The cooking smells are so tempting, he decides he would like to stop for lunch, but the sign says no animals are permitted. After
a couple of moment's thought, he decided to brazen it out. He puts on a pair of
sunglasses, walks into the restaurant with his dog on a leash and asks to be
seated. The waiter says, "I am sorry sir, but we do not permit animals in
the restaurant."
The
man says, "But I'm blind and this is my seeing eye dog."
The
waiter responds skeptically, "Your seeing eye dog? Sir, that dog is a
Chihuahua."
The man responds, "A Chihuahua! They gave me a Chihuahua?"
October 12, 2014 An
old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood
behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her,
"Honey, can you hear me?" There
was no response. He
moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still,
there was no response. Finally
he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?" She
replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
October 11, 2014 I was in my car one day listening to a guy on the radio help callers with their home problems. One woman called up hysterical after finding a skunk in her basement. "Leave
a trail of breadcrumbs or cat food from your basement to your backyard,"
suggested the show's host. "That'll get rid of it."
An hour later, the woman called back, even more upset. "Now, I have two skunks in my basement!"
October 10, 2014 When
I arrived for my daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a
bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl
didn’t always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.
“For example, she’ll do the wrong page in the workbook,” the teacher
explained, “and I’ve even found her sitting in the wrong desk.”
“I
don’t understand that,” I replied defensively. “Where could she have
gotten that?”
The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, “By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow.”
October 9, 2014 My
father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So, when an
advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping
carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance.
A
full year went by before he got a call that could be traced to those placards.
"Richard
Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?" "Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard and I want you to come and get it."
October 8, 2014 Recently
a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the guests were many
well-known motivational speakers.
One
trainee boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s
attention, said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman
that wasn’t my wife!” The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying,
“And that woman was my mother!” The crowd burst into laughter and he gave
his speech, which went over well.
About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!” His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, “…and I can’t remember who she was!”.
October 7, 2014 Rhonda
went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a
sign on the cage that said $50.00.
October 6, 2014 While making rounds, a doctor pointed out an X-ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," he says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?" "Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
October 5, 2014 I
was in Target with my wife when my wife said, “you know, I feel like Billy is
too big to still be wearing Micky Mouse underwear, don’t you think he should
be wearing something more manly, like Superman underwear?”
All
it took was a shrug of my shoulders and there were nine new pairs of underwear
in the cart.
I didn’t realize how right my wife was until I heard an excited holler coming from my sons room,
“WooHoo
finally some adult underwear!“
October 4, 2014 Mrs.
Baker, a fifth grade teacher, observed a student in her class during a
True/False test, flipping a coin and then choosing an answer. Mrs.
Baker thought to herself, "Hah! Norman didn't study again." This
answer selection method continued throughout the entire test. After
Norman was obviously finished, Mrs. Baker again watched Norman flipping the coin
and continuing through the test a second time. "Norman,
what are you doing now?" asked Mrs. Baker. Norman replied, "I'm doing what you always tell us to do! I'm checking my answers!"
October 3, 2014 One day a boy saw a farmer selling a donkey for $100.00. The boy told the farmer he would pay the money if the farmer could deliver it to his house. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day but when he arrived at the boy's house there was no donkey. He
told the boy that the donkey died during the night. Saddened, the boy asked for
his money back. "I'm afraid I have already spent the money." the
farmer said.
"Well,
then just give me the donkey." said the boy. "
What
are you going to do with a dead donkey?" asked the farmer. The boy told the
farmer he would think of something, so the farmer delivered the donkey the next
day.
The
next month the farmer saw the boy and asked him what he ever did with the
donkey. "I made $895.00 off of that thing." the boy said.
"How
could you make that much money off of a dead donkey?" the farmer wanted to
know.
The
boy said, "I didn't tell anyone he was dead at first. I just put up signs
around town that said I was going to raffle off a beautiful donkey for raffle
tickets that cost $5.00 and I sold 200 tickets."
"Wait
a minute", said the farmer, "you said you made $895.00 but if you sold
200 tickets at $5.00 each that's $1,000.00. After you subtract the $100.00 you
paid me you should have made $900.00,"
"You're right", said the boy, "But when the winner found out the donkey was dead he was a little upset so I gave him his money back."
October 2, 2014 After
much convincing from my husband, I finally agreed to call an old family friend
to sing her happy birthday.
It
was only after I finished singing, that the voice at the other end of the line
informed me, that it was the wrong number.
“Oh
I’m sorry” I said, embarrassed.
“It’s ok”, the voice said “you can use all of the practice you can get!”
October 1, 2014 When
the power mower broke and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he
ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally
I thought of a clever way to make my point. When
my husband arrived home the next day, he found me seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He
watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only
a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush. When
you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the
sidewalks" The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite awhile before the casts come off.
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