Dans Daily
Jokes On You


November, 2014


Extra! The Ten Commandments Ten Dollars
Hot Bath Shielding Children Archeological Dig
Appointment Book My Summer Vacation Gone Fishing
Fishy Story It's What They Say Ticket Winners
The Children New Best Friend Shoe Sense
The Farmer The Diner A Haircut
New Parishioner The Butcher Big Trouble
The Night Watchman The Thief A Guy Walks Into A Bar
Flying for the First Time Getting Into Heaven Just Checking
Six Again Collateral The Alphabet







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November 30, 2014

The Alphabet

Wife: "How would you describe me?"




Wife: "What does that mean?"


Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."


Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"


Husband: "I'm just kidding!"


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November 29, 2014


An old farmer wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker.

The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"


"Take some jewelry to city and sell it," said the man.


"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.


"Don't know what collateral means."


"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"


"Yes, I have a 1979 pickup."


The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"


"Yes, I have a horse."


"How old is it?"


"I don't know; it has no teeth."


Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.


"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"


"Put it in my pocket."


"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.


"I don't know what deposit means."


"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."


The man leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"


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November 28, 2014

Six Again

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear--everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. The wife said, "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"


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November 27, 2014

Just Checking

Two dogs are walking down the street and one says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back."


He trots across the street, sniffs at a fire hydrant for about a minute, then comes back.


The other dog says, "What was that about?"


The dog first dog says, "Oh, just checking my messages."


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November 26, 2014

Getting Into Heaven

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.


"NO!" the children all answered.


"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"


Again, the answer was, "NO!"


"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.


Again, they all answered, "NO!"


"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"


A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"


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November 25, 2014

Flying for the First Time

Pilot: "Have you ever flown in a small plane before?"

Passenger: "No, I have not."


Pilot: "Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping."


Pilot (after the plane landed): "Did the gum help?"


Passenger: "Yep, it worked fine. The only trouble is, I can’t get the gum out of my ears!"


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November 24, 2014

A Guy Walks Into A Bar

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."


The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"


The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."


"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.


The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."


The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.


"Money or another miracle, or else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.


The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the $300 and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.


The bartender yells to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."


"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."


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November 23, 2014

The Thief

A thief and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.


"No problem, baby," the thief says, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.


A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop window.

"What I'd give to own that!" she said.


"Sure thing, darling," the guy says again, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.


Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.


"Forget it!" the guy moans, "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something!?"


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November 22, 2014

The Night Watchman

Renee was passing an office building late one night and saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."


She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.


"Well," he snarled at her, "what do you want?"

"I just wanted to know why you can't ring the bell yourself?"


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November 21, 2014

Big Trouble

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben sliced his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabbed his 8-iron and proceeded down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.


Ben searched diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spotted something shiny. As he got closer, he realized that the shiny object was in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.


Ben screamed out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I've got big trouble down here."


Thomas came running over to the edge of the ravine and called out: "What's the matter Ben?"


Ben shouted back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."


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November 20, 2014

The Butcher

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.


Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.


Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"


The lawyer replied, "Of course. How much was the roast?"


"$7.98," said the butcher.


A few days later, the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read, Legal Consultation Service: $150.


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November 19, 2014

New Parishioner

After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the church.


He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was transferring from.


The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."


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November 18, 2014

A Haircut

The supervisor of my work section recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair.


He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.


"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.


"Still employed," was his answer.


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November 17, 2014

The Diner

A scruffy old man was eating at a truck stop, when three bikers (not the friendly fun kind of bikers) walked in.


The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter.


The second walked up, spit into the old man's milk, and then took a seat at the counter.


The third walked up, turned over the old man's plate, and then took a seat at the counter.


Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.


Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"


The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."


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November 16, 2014

The Farmer


A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.


The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.


A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.


The old farmer said he had buried them.


The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"


The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."


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November 15, 2014

Shoe Sense

One evening Mick drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later that night Mick and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly, he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.


With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.


"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"


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November 14, 2014

New Best Friend

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So, he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede that came in a little white box, which served as the bug's house.

He took his purchase home, found a good location for the box and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."


But there was no answer from his new pet.


This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"


But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.


So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time, putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me?"


A little voice came out of the box and said, "I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!"


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November 13, 2014

The Children

"Teacher," said little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."


"What's that Joey?" asked the Sunday school teacher.


"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"




"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"




"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"


"Again you're right."


"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"


"All that is right, too," agreed the teacher. "So what's your question?"


"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin'?"


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November 12, 2014

Ticket Winners

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.


"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"


They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.


They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. 


Then came the second half. 

When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."


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November 11, 2014

It's What They Say

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." 


The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." 


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." 


The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." 


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?" 


She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."


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November 10, 2014

Fishy Story

'Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?' Asks Vicky's best friend, Myra.


'Why shouldn't I, Myra?' responds Vicky. 'Well, maybe he is having an affair?' comments Myra.


'No way,' laughs Vicky, 'he never comes home with any fish.'


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November 9, 2014

Gone Fishing

Alex had a terrible day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the fishmonger and ordered four rainbow trout. He told the fishmonger, 'Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?'


'Why do you want me to throw them at you?' Asked the salesman?' 


So that I am able to tell my wife, in all honesty, that I caught them.' said Alex.


'Okay, but I suggest that you take the salmon.' 


Why's that? 


'Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take salmon. That's what she'd like for supper tonight'.


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November 8, 2014

My Summer Vacation

Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations.

She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the Summer. “We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota,” he said.


“That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word,” the teacher said, “Can you tell the class how you spell that?”


Little Johnny thought about it and said, “Come to think of it, she lives in Ohio.”.


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November 7, 2014

Appointment Book

A tomcat was heard running up and down the alley for hours.


A neighbor called his owner and asked what was happening.

The owner said, 'Well, I had him fixed today, and he's going around canceling all his engagements.'


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November 6, 2014

Archeological Dig

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.


The curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."


A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were exactly right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"


"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath.'"


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November 5, 2014

Shielding Children

Two Norman soldiers were relaxing after the Battle of Hastings 1066.


"What a battle! What a victory! Someday children will read about this battle as a turning point of history...and we were here!"


"Perhaps," said the other soldier, "But I think they will be shielded from most of the details."


"Why?" the first soldier asked.


The other soldier shook his head and replied, "Too much Saxon violence."


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November 4, 2014

Hot Bath

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he’d become comfortable, the front doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any magazines. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.


The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the hard porcelain of the tub.


Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, “You know, you’ve been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don’t you go home and take a long hot bath?”


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November 3, 2014

Ten Dollars

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "You know, Martha, I'd like to get a ride in airplane."

And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars and ten dollars is ten dollars."


So one year Stumpy says, "By Jeebers, Martha, I'm 71 years old, and if I don't go this time I may never go."


Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride is ten dollars ... and ten dollars is ten dollars."


So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars."


They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands.


He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."


Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out ... but ten dollars is ten dollars."


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November 2, 2014

The Ten Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 4th grade class.


After explaining the commandment to honor thy father and mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"


Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


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November 1, 2014


A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Fifty people swindled!


Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?”


The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!”


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