November 30, 2014
"How would you describe me?"
"What does that mean?"
"Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and
"Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
November 29, 2014
old farmer wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker.
banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do
with the money?"
some jewelry to city and sell it," said the man.
have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the
know what collateral means."
that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got
I have a 1979 pickup."
banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
I have a horse."
old is it?"
don't know; it has no teeth."
the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the man was back
in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay
loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.
are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
it in my pocket."
don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.
don't know what deposit means."
you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to
use it you can withdraw it."
The man leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"
November 28, 2014
man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six
again," she replied.
November 27, 2014
dogs are walking down the street and one says to the other, "Wait here a
minute, I'll be right back."
trots across the street, sniffs at a fire hydrant for about a minute, then comes
other dog says, "What was that about?"
The dog first dog says, "Oh, just checking my messages."
November 26, 2014
I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the
church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday
the children all answered.
I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and
tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
the answer was, "NO!"
then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my
wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
they all answered, "NO!"
I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
November 25, 2014
Pilot: "Have you ever flown in a small plane before?"
"No, I have not."
"Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from
(after the plane landed): "Did the gum help?"
Passenger: "Yep, it worked fine. The only trouble is, I can’t get the gum out of my ears!"
November 24, 2014
mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says,
"No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you
something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts
the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across
the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs.
And the hamster is really good.
bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before.
That hamster is truly good on the piano."
guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle, or else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.
stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300
for the frog.
guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the $300 and gives the stranger the
frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
bartender yells to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing
frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
November 23, 2014
thief and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a
beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to
have that!" she said.
problem, baby," the thief says, throwing a brick through the glass and
grabbing the ring.
few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop
I'd give to own that!" she said.
thing, darling," the guy says again, throwing another brick through the
window and snatching the coat.
turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership.
"Forget it!" the guy moans, "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something!?"
November 22, 2014
was passing an office building late one night and saw a sign that said,
"Press bell for night watchman."
did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the
stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut
down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled at her, "what do you want?"
"I just wanted to know why you can't ring the bell yourself?"
November 21, 2014
lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben sliced his ball deep into a
wooded ravine. He grabbed his 8-iron and proceeded down the embankment into the
ravine in search of his ball.
searched diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spotted
something shiny. As he got closer, he realized that the shiny object was in fact
an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
screamed out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I've got big
trouble down here."
came running over to the edge of the ravine and called out: "What's the
Ben shouted back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
November 20, 2014
dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor
happened to be a lawyer.
by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your dog
stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the
lawyer replied, "Of course. How much was the roast?"
said the butcher.
A few days later, the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read, Legal Consultation Service: $150.
November 19, 2014
Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the church.
hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was transferring from.
The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."
November 18, 2014
supervisor of my work section recently made a casual comment about my shaggy
mane of hair.
then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes
an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.
would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.
"Still employed," was his answer.
November 17, 2014
scruffy old man was eating at a truck stop, when three bikers (not the friendly
fun kind of bikers) walked in.
first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and
then took a seat at the counter.
second walked up, spit into the old man's milk, and then took a seat at the
third walked up, turned over the old man's plate, and then took a seat at the
a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a
man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
November 16, 2014
busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden,
the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then
proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the
old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
old farmer said he had buried them.
sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
November 15, 2014
One evening Mick drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
that night Mick and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly, he looked
down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not
wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window
before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.
a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he
noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.
"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
November 14, 2014
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So, he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede that came in a little white box, which served as the bug's house.
took his purchase home, found a good location for the box and decided he would
start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So, he asked the centipede
in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a
there was no answer from his new pet.
bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask
him one more time; this time, putting his face up against the centipede's house
and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me?"
A little voice came out of the box and said, "I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!"
November 13, 2014
said little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
that Joey?" asked the Sunday school teacher.
accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought
the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important,
that is right, too," agreed the teacher. "So what's your
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin'?"
November 12, 2014
elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a
football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge
thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.
think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"
soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy
expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth
struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.
They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed.
Then came the second half.
the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.
"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."
November 11, 2014
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."
November 10, 2014
you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every
weekend?' Asks Vicky's best friend, Myra.
shouldn't I, Myra?' responds Vicky. 'Well, maybe he is having an affair?'
'No way,' laughs Vicky, 'he never comes home with any fish.'
November 9, 2014
had a terrible day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day
without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the fishmonger and
ordered four rainbow trout. He told the fishmonger, 'Pick four large ones out
and throw them at me, will you?'
'Why do you want me to throw them at you?' Asked the salesman?'
that I am able to tell my wife, in all honesty, that I caught them.' said Alex.
'Okay, but I suggest that you take the salmon.'
'Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take salmon. That's what she'd like for supper tonight'.
November 8, 2014
Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations.
turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the Summer. “We visited my
grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota,” he said.
sounds like an excellent vocabulary word,” the teacher said, “Can you tell
the class how you spell that?”
Little Johnny thought about it and said, “Come to think of it, she lives in Ohio.”.
November 7, 2014
tomcat was heard running up and down the alley for hours.
A neighbor called his owner and asked what was happening.
The owner said, 'Well, I had him fixed today, and he's going around canceling all his engagements.'
November 6, 2014
archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket
containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious
natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a
man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were exactly
right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath.'"
November 5, 2014
Norman soldiers were relaxing after the Battle of Hastings 1066.
a battle! What a victory! Someday children will read about this battle as a
turning point of history...and we were here!"
said the other soldier, "But I think they will be shielded from most of the
the first soldier asked.
The other soldier shook his head and replied, "Too much Saxon violence."
November 4, 2014
edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he’d become comfortable, the front
doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a
large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A
salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any magazines. Slamming the
door, the man returned to the bath.
doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the man started for
the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back
against the hard porcelain of the tub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, “You know, you’ve been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don’t you go home and take a long hot bath?”
November 3, 2014
Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to
the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "You know, Martha, I'd like
to get a ride in airplane."
every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs
ten dollars and ten dollars is ten dollars."
one year Stumpy says, "By Jeebers, Martha, I'm 71 years old, and if I don't
go this time I may never go."
replies, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride is ten dollars ... and ten
dollars is ten dollars."
the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take
you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say
ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars."
agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and
dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no
word... so he lands.
turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did
everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out ... but ten dollars is ten dollars."
November 2, 2014
Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 4th grade
explaining the commandment to honor thy father and mother, she asked, "Is
there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
November 1, 2014
newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read
all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Fifty people swindled!
a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old
paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?”
The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!”