Dans Daily
Jokes On You


December, 2013


A Huge Bonus Settling Guilt
Do You Know The Bathroom Door is Closed!  Without Glasses 
Wrong Feet Tell Me of Fate Collecting Eggs
A Matter of Choice Airline Flight - PG-13 Optimist and Pessimist
Another Accident Stable Defined The First Reindeer
Office Holiday Memo Christmas Shopping  Giving Thanks
Naughty and Nice The First Christmas Saint Francis
Getting A Divorce In A Child's Mind Christmas Eve Duel
All I Want For Christmas Mad Cow  Old Boyfriend 
Making A Point Bad Weather








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December 31, 2013

Bad Weather

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential 
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...


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December 30, 2013

Making A Point

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


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December 29, 2013

Old Boyfriend

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...


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December 28, 2013

Mad Cow

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....


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December 27, 2013

All I Want For Christmas

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.

Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"

"Something for my mother, please." said the young lady.

"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you,'' smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "

Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"


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December 24, 2013

Christmas Eve Duel

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having a long drawn out duel on Christmas Eve. Lightsabers drawn and sparks flying Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared at him.
"I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke," he said, "Ohhh, yes! I know!" 

Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platform just out of Vader's reach.

"How do you know!?" Luke yelled at him, "How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas!?"

Darth Vader snarled, "The force is strong with me... I felt your presents." 


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December 23, 2013

In A Child's Mind

Sunday school children were asked to draw their rendition of the Christmas story.

Most of the kids drew manger scenes to include the shepherds, angels, the star, the baby Jesus in the manger as would be expected. Little Jimmy proudly showed his picture of a jetliner. There were 4 distinct faces looking out the windows.

When the Sunday school teacher asked Jimmy to explain the drawing, he said it was the "flight out of Egypt." He pointed to the one face and said "that is Joseph," another face was Mary, the little face of course was Jesus.

The teacher asked him who is the face in the front of the plane. Jimmy replied, "It's Pontius, the pilot, of course."


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December 22, 2013

Getting A Divorce

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" 

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."


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December 21, 2013

Saint Francis

My sister-in-law was married to a prominent surgeon who was a member of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area. He would operate in the morning, then field calls about his patients in the evening.

Once when I was visiting his home, he was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital when the other phone rang.  My sister-in-law answered, then whispered to her husband, "It's St. Francis calling."

He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back.  I'm talking to Christ."


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December 20, 2013

The First Christmas

Daniel, aged 4, returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story.

He had learned all about the wise men from the east who brought gifts to the baby Jesus.

Daniel was so excited he just had to tell his parents, "I learned in Sunday school today all about the very first Christmas. There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three guys on camels had to deliver all the toys.  And Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big light in the sky to find their way around."


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December 19, 2013

Naughty and Nice

This was a conversation between a little boy and Santa:

Santa: What do you want for Christmas this year?

Little Boy: Rudolph

Santa: You can't have my favorite reindeer. Why would you want Rudolph anyway?

Little Boy: Cause I love venison.

Santa (holding back his laughter): That's it! You're going on the Naughty List!


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December 18, 2013

Giving Thanks

Lee, a seven-year-old boy, was asked to say thanks for the Christmas dinner. 

The family members bowed their heads in expectation. Lee began his prayer, thanking God for his mommy, daddy, brothers, sister, grandma, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.

He gave thanks for the turkey, the stuffing, the Christmas pudding, even the cranberry sauce. Then Lee paused, and everyone waited ... and waited. 

After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the Brussels sprouts, won't he know that I'm lying?"


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December 17, 2013

Christmas Shopping

A judge asks a man brought before the bench, "Please explain me, what are you being prosecuted for?"

The man says, "I was doing my Christmas shopping too early."

"But that’s not a crime," says the judge. " How early were you doing your Christmas shopping?"

" Before the store opened."


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December 16, 2013

Office Holiday Memo

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

·         Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

·         Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

·         Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”

·         Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.

·         All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

·         Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.


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December 15, 2013

The First Reindeer

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini.

Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here." 


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December 14, 2013

Stable Defined

Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family Bible.

When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.

I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a TV."


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December 13, 2013

Another Accident

Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. 

One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves." 

"Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container. 

"Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whiskey. 

"Well, I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here." 


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December 12, 2013

Optimist and Pessimist

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!" 


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December 11, 2013

Airline Flight - PG-13

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"


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December 10, 2013

A Matter of Choice

A backslider suddenly began attending church faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing. The pastor was highly gratified and told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"

"Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "it's a matter of choice. I'd rather hear your sermon than hers."


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December 9, 2013

Collecting Eggs

My granddaughter just moved from subdivision living to a small farm. 

One of the first things her family did was to purchase four laying hens.  Every day the grandchildren collected eggs.  

One day a neighbor came over and questioned my granddaughter, "How do you like your eggs -- fried, boiled, scrambled, in omelets?"

My granddaughter replied that she like them all ways, but she liked them best in cakes.


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December 8, 2013

Tell Me of Fate

"Oh, master...tell me of fate."

"Ah, my son...it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."

"And that, my master, is fate?"

"Oh, FATE! I thought you said FREIGHT."


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December 7, 2013

Wrong Feet

After my three-year old put his shoes on by himself, I noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot.

I said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."

He looked up at me with dismay, and a raised brow. "Don't kid me, Mom. These are the only feet I got!"


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December 6, 2013

Without Glasses

Soon after their last child left home for college, Linda's husband was resting next to her on the couch with his head in her lap.

She carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"


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December 5, 2013

The Bathroom Door is Closed!

Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.

Wait until I get out.

Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am not trapped.

I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.

Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.

Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.

Do not go running back to the phone yelling "She's in the BATHROOM!"

Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.

Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two.

Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.

If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.

And yes, I still love you.

~ Mom


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December 4, 2013

Do You Know

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?”

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?”

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?”

“Yes, I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"


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December 3, 2013

Settling Guilt

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Dewey said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

 "Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

 "I tried," Dewey sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

 "If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

 Thanking the Priest, Dewey hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.


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December 1, 2013

A Huge Bonus

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"


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