Dans Daily
Jokes On You


December, 2014

The Printer The University Bank A Few White Hairs
Sweetheart, Darling... Anything You Want The Fish
A Texan and An Australian Correction Close to God
Sons in College The Prescription  Good Luck Tutu
My Wife Thinks I’m God Ron's Revenge Crooks
A Good Woman Direct Object Class Picture
Bedtime Prayers The Theory It'll Cost You
Little Johnny Money From Home To Enter Heaven
A Christmas Knock Knock Joke Getting Pulled Over Sound Reasoning
 A Handsome Tip The Accident Two In The Same Grave 
New Year's Resolutions You Can Keep









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December 31, 2014

New Year's Resolutions You Can Keep

1. Read less.

2. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

3. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more.

6. Drink. Drink some more.

7. Start being superstitious.

8. Spend more time at work.

9. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

10. Take up a new habit: maybe drinking!


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December 30, 2014

Two In The Same Grave

A little boy was in a cemetery with his mother,

“Mommy” the boy asked , “do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”


“Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”


“The tombstone back there said, Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.”


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December 29, 2014

The Accident

Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, "Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death. I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens."

Sam continued, "I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head."

There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, "Who is Mary?" 


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December 28, 2014

A Handsome Tip


A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.


He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."


The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents.


The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."


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December 27, 2014

Sound Reasoning

As a 7th grade biology teacher, I was teaching my class about the flow of blood in the body.


After my lecture I asked the class the following: “Why is it that if I would turn upside down, my face would turn red since the blood would flow to my head, but when I stand upright my feet don’t turn red?”


I was taken aback when a boy blurted out, “that’s cuz your feet ain't empty!”


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December 26, 2014

Getting Pulled Over

Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained.


The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"


I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero."


He handed me back my license. "Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."


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December 25, 2014

A Christmas Knock Knock Joke

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!


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December 24, 2014

To Enter Heaven

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. 


The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. 


The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. 


The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. 


Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, ‘How do these represent Christmas?' 

The man says ‘They're Carol's.'


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December 23, 2014

Money From Home

After sending their son away to college, he would often [to often] call his parents asking for money.


One time when he called his father answered, “sure we will send you money” he said, “and I also noticed that you left your Physics book here, should we send that also?”


“Uh, oh yeah, OK,” he responded.


When asked by his wife how much he sent up, the father said “$1,100″.


Then he explained, “Don’t worry, I taped a $100 check on the cover, and the other $1000 check inside the cover."


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December 22, 2014

Little Johnny


Little Johnny was shopping with Grandma.


One of the things she tossed in the cart was a package of pantyhose.  He sounded out the words "Queen Size" and exclaimed, "Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"


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December 21, 2014

It'll Cost You

A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter — yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her.

When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, “Does that happen often? I can’t believe how nice you were to him.”

The agent smiled and said, “No problem, I took care of it. He’s going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok.”


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December 20, 2014

The Theory

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."


This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.


As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time


Knowledge = Power
Time = Money


It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.


Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.


Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.


The less you know, the more you make.


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December 19, 2014

Bedtime Prayers

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).


For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.


My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"


"Because everybody always finishes their prayers by saying 'All Men!'" 


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December 18, 2014

Class Picture

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 


"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'" 


A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'"


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December 17, 2014

Direct Object

Teacher to class: "Give me a sentence with a direct object."


Student: "Everybody thinks our teacher is beautiful."


Teacher: "Why, thank you. But what is the direct object?"


Student: "A good report card."


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December 16, 2014

A Good Woman

A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus.

One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer, leaving the husband extremely dejected.

The strong man asked him what he was going to do.

The husband answered, “This is a disaster. I don’t know where I’m going to find another woman of her caliber.”


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December 15, 2014


A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."


He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."


"How come"? asked the woman.


"Crooks don't buy peat moss," answered the clerk.


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December 14, 2014

Ron's Revenge

Ron just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when he cut off a truck driver. The trucker motioned for Ron to pull over.


When he did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told Ron to stand in the circle and not move.


He then went to Ron's new car and cut up the leather seats.


When the truck driver turned around Ron had a slight grin on his face.


"Oh, you think that's funny?" the trucker asked, "Watch this." He got a baseball bat out of his truck and broke every window in the car. When he turned and looked Ron had a smile on his face. This drove the driver into a rage.


He got his knife back out and sliced all the tires. Now Ron was laughing. The truck driver really started to lose it. He went back to his truck and got a can of gas, poured it on the sports car and set it on fire. He turned around and Ron was laughing so hard he almost fell down.


"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked him.


Ron replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle four times."


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December 13, 2014

My Wife Thinks I’m God

The first guy said, “My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house. It’s incredible.”

The second guy says, “That’s nothing. My wife thinks I’m God.”

“She thinks you’re God? What makes you say that?”

“Every night she places a burnt offering before me.”


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December 12, 2014

Good Luck Tutu


All but two of the ballerinas were in costume early for the matinee performance. At 1:55, the distressed director asked the remaining women why they weren't dressed yet.

The first one said, "It may seem like a silly superstition, but I never put mine on until 1:58."


"What about you? The same thing?" he asked the other dancer.


"Oh, yes. I have a two to two tutu, too!"


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December 11, 2014

The Prescription  

Jane walked into a pharmacy, strolled over to the counter, and caught the pharmacist's attention.

"Can I please get some arsenic?" she asked.


"Arsenic? What do you want arsenic for?" asked the pharmacist.


"It's for my husband," she replied.


"Your husband?" exclaimed the pharmacist, "I hope you don't mean what I think you mean!"


She just nodded.


"Well, lady," he replied, "I'm an honest man. I can't sell you arsenic, I wouldn't if I could, and I don't know what made you think you could just stroll into a respectable store and expect me me to sell you arsenic.!"


She didn't say a word. She just reached into her purse, fished out a photograph, and handed it across the counter. It was a picture of her husband, in bed with the pharmacist's wife.


Slowly the pharmacist looks up, over the counter, and then straight at her. "Lady," he said, "why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"


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December 10, 2014

Sons in College


Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet"?

"Two days ago."


"Hmm. Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an engineer."


"What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college"?


"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."


"No, I mean what's he taking in college"?


"He's taking every penny I make."


"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough"?


"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."


"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all"?


"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him!"


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December 9, 2014

Close to God


Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.


Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"


The Lord replies, "A minute."


Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"


The Lord replies, "A penny."


Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"


The Lord replies, "In a minute." 

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December 8, 2014



On the first day back in school, the English teacher wrote on the blackboard. "I ain't had no fun all summer."


"Now Paul." she said to a student. "What shall I do to correct this?"


"Get a boyfriend." Paul replied. 


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December 7, 2014

A Texan and An Australian

A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.

First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!” 


In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge."


"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” 


The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men."

The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men."

Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What's that" said the Texan. 


"That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?”

The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men".

The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men."

By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.

Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?"

The Australian Engineer replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."


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December 6, 2014

The Fish

A man was stopped by the fish and game-warden in Alberta recently. He had with him two buckets of fish. He was leaving Shaw's Point on Slave Lake, well known for its great fishing.

The fish and game warden asked the man: 'Do you have a license to catch all those fish?'

The man replied to the game warden: 'No, sir. These are my pet fish.'


'Pet fish?' the warden replied.

'Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around. After a while, I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them back home again.'

'That's a bunch of hogwash! Fish can't do that!' was the outburst from the Warden.

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said: 'Here, I'll show you. It really works.'

'O.K. I've GOT to see this!' The game warden was curious now. The man poured the two buckets of fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, 'Well?'

'Well, what?' the man responded.

'When are you going to call them back?' The game warden prompted.

'Call who back?' The man asked.

'The FISH.' the warden said.

'What fish?' The man asked.


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December 5, 2014

Anything You Want

A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.


"I will give anything of mine to the person who swims across that pool."


So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY there's a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.


In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can - fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.


The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?"


Breathless the guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"


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December 4, 2014

Sweetheart, Darling...

Benny was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc...


Benny looked at Morris and remarked, "That's really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."


Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"


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December 3, 2014

A Few White Hairs

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"


Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."


The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


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December 2, 2014

The University Bank

There was a university in New England where the students operated a "bank" of term papers and other assignments.


There were papers to suit all needs and as it would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade, B grade and C grade.


A student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the "bank" and as his course was a standard one he took out a paper for an inconspicuous C, retyped it and handed the work in.


In due course he received it back with the professor's comments "I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it should have had an A, and now I am glad to give it one!"


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December 1, 2014

The Printer

When a guy's printer began to malfunction, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly.

"We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

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