December 31, 2014
December 30, 2014
A little boy was in a cemetery with his mother,
the boy asked , “do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”
“The tombstone back there said, Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.”
December 29, 2014
called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, "Hey baby, I was driving
to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way.
I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high
speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose down
over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death. I just managed to
climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff
crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens."
December 28, 2014
man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.
whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery
close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep.
The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
December 27, 2014
a 7th grade biology teacher, I was teaching my class about the flow of blood in
my lecture I asked the class the following: “Why is it that if I would turn
upside down, my face would turn red since the blood would flow to my head, but
when I stand upright my feet don’t turn red?”
I was taken aback when a boy blurted out, “that’s cuz your feet ain't empty!”
December 26, 2014
to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway
patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high
school on it. "I teach math there," I explained.
trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding
down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40
court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"
replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive,
multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact
that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero."
He handed me back my license. "Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."
December 25, 2014
December 24, 2014
Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, ‘How do these represent Christmas?'
The man says ‘They're Carol's.'
December 23, 2014
sending their son away to college, he would often [to often] call his parents
asking for money.
time when he called his father answered, “sure we will send you money” he
said, “and I also noticed that you left your Physics book here, should we send
oh yeah, OK,” he responded.
asked by his wife how much he sent up, the
father said “$1,100″.
Then he explained, “Don’t worry, I taped a $100 check on the cover, and the other $1000 check inside the cover."
December 22, 2014
Johnny was shopping with Grandma.
One of the things she tossed in the cart was a package of pantyhose. He sounded out the words "Queen Size" and exclaimed, "Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"
December 21, 2014
December 20, 2014
Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much
as Business Executives and Sales People."
theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following
Knowledge is Power.
every engineer knows:
for Money, we get:
as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the
amount of work done.
December 19, 2014
my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family
member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).
several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,
"And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to
include this closing.
curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add
the part about all girls?"
"Because everybody always finishes their prayers by saying 'All Men!'"
December 18, 2014
children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them
each to buy a copy of the group picture.
think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'"
December 17, 2014
to class: "Give me a sentence with a direct object."
"Everybody thinks our teacher is beautiful."
"Why, thank you. But what is the direct object?"
Student: "A good report card."
December 16, 2014
December 15, 2014
woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a
personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want
replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."
come"? asked the woman.
"Crooks don't buy peat moss," answered the clerk.
December 14, 2014
just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when he cut off a truck
driver. The trucker motioned for Ron to pull over.
he did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his
pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told Ron to stand in the circle and not
then went to Ron's new car and cut up the leather seats.
the truck driver turned around Ron had a slight grin on his face.
you think that's funny?" the trucker asked, "Watch this." He got
a baseball bat out of his truck and broke every window in the car. When he
turned and looked Ron had a smile on his face. This drove the driver into a
got his knife back out and sliced all the tires. Now Ron was laughing. The truck
driver really started to lose it. He went back to his truck and got a can of
gas, poured it on the sports car and set it on fire. He turned around and Ron
was laughing so hard he almost fell down.
so funny?" The truck driver asked him.
Ron replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle four times."
December 13, 2014
December 12, 2014
All but two of the ballerinas were in costume early for the matinee performance. At 1:55, the distressed director asked the remaining women why they weren't dressed yet.
first one said, "It may seem like a silly superstition, but I never put
mine on until 1:58."
about you? The same thing?" he asked the other dancer.
"Oh, yes. I have a two to two tutu, too!"
December 11, 2014
walked into a pharmacy, strolled over to the counter, and caught the
I please get some arsenic?" she asked.
What do you want arsenic for?" asked the pharmacist.
for my husband," she replied.
husband?" exclaimed the pharmacist, "I hope you don't mean what I
think you mean!"
lady," he replied, "I'm an honest man. I can't sell you arsenic, I
wouldn't if I could, and I don't know what made you think you could just stroll
into a respectable store and expect me me to sell you arsenic.!"
didn't say a word. She just reached into her purse, fished out a photograph, and
handed it across the counter. It was a picture of her husband, in bed with the
Slowly the pharmacist looks up, over the counter, and then straight at her. "Lady," he said, "why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"
December 10, 2014
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet"?
Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an
your boy going to be when he gets out of college"?
the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."
I mean what's he taking in college"?
taking every penny I make."
he burn the midnight oil enough"?
doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."
has sending him to college done anything at all"?
"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him!"
December 9, 2014
climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
Lord replies, "A minute."
asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
Lord replies, "A penny."
asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
December 8, 2014
the first day back in school, the English teacher wrote on the blackboard.
"I ain't had no fun all summer."
Paul." she said to a student. "What shall I do to correct this?"
"Get a boyfriend." Paul replied.
December 7, 2014
A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.
First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!”
reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge."
"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?”
Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men."
Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500
the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.
The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men".
Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200
December 6, 2014
man was stopped by the fish and game-warden in Alberta recently. He had with him
two buckets of fish. He was leaving Shaw's Point on Slave Lake, well known for
its great fishing.
The fish and game warden asked the man: 'Do you have a license to catch all those fish?'
man replied to the game warden: 'No, sir. These are my pet fish.'
fish?' the warden replied.
December 5, 2014
rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this
party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the
garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
will give anything of mine to the person who swims across that pool."
the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY there's a great
splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can - fins come out of the water and
jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on
him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.
millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything
of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the
bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?"
Breathless the guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"
December 4, 2014
was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every
request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc...
looked at Morris and remarked, "That's really nice, that after all these
years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet
Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"
December 3, 2014
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.
looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs
mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me
cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
December 2, 2014
was a university in New England where the students operated a "bank"
of term papers and other assignments.
were papers to suit all needs and as it would look odd if an undistinguished
student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade,
B grade and C grade.
student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to
the "bank" and as his course was a standard one he took out a paper
for an inconspicuous C, retyped it and handed the work in.
In due course he received it back with the professor's comments "I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it should have had an A, and now I am glad to give it one!"
December 1, 2014
a guy's printer began to malfunction, he called a local repair shop where a
friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.