If you are under 18 please click here
TODAYS CHUCKLE :)

Welcome to

PAGE 11

Win-Win

A man is running short of cash in the bar, so he bets the barmaid ten bucks that he can bite his right eye. She thinks about it for a minute and figures it's a safe bet, so she says, "You're on." The guy pulls out his glass eye-ball and bites it. The joke was on her and she laughs as she hands over the ten bucks. 

A little while later he offers her a chance to get her money back. He bets her ten bucks that he can bite his left eye. She thinks about it and knowing that he can see, thinks it's a safe bet. Once again she says, "You're on." The guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. Laughingly she pays again. Later on he gives her a chance to get her money back. 

He bets her twenty bucks, double or nothing, that he can screw her without her feeling a thing. This is one she's sure she can win, so she takes the bet. After she gets off work the two of them go out the back of the bar and the guy spread-eagles her over the front of a car and gives her a hell of pummeling. She cries out, "I can feel it, I can feel it, I win the bet!"

The guy says, "Oh well, you win some, you lose some."

Senior Sex

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers. 

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so's there's no trouble."  So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by a walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.  This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh,   God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.  The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.  After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. 

The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.' As the couple pass, he says to them. "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it?  You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

 "No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."

Dumb Crook

The blonde crook was in the police station being interrogated by the police sergeant.

"But," he said, "if you had to steal a car, why a police car?"

"Because," the blonde replied, "I saw the number 911 and thought it was a Porsche!"

ob/gyn

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So he found out from the local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.  When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a mark of 150%. 

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.  You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.  I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

Good News and Bad News

A woman went to the doctor yesterday because she wasn't feeling so well.  After a thorough examination, the doctor said, ", I've got good news and I've got bad news.

The good news is you don't have PMS.  The bad news is you're a bitch!"

Little Johnny

One day Little Johnny's teacher, decided to play a spelling game. She gave a  letter of the alphabet and the kids have to spell a word starting with that letter, then use it in a sentence. Starting with "A" Little Johnny's hand was continually in the air, but the teacher ignored him.  Little Johnny had a propensity for lewd remarks and could turn the simplest of statements into sexual innuendo.  The teacher was afraid to let Johnny use any letter that he could turn into a lewd statement.

"All right now, Susan, you first?" said the teacher.

"A is for Ape, A-P-E, An ape likes bananas" answered Susan.

"Excellent " said the teacher. 

She continues on through the alphabet.  Finally she reaches F. Now she will NOT let Little Johnny answer this under any circumstances so she asks Mary.

"F is for Fairy F-A-I-R-Y, they're little girls who lives among the flowers", Mary replies.

"Great", says the teacher. "Now we get to G".

Only Little Johnny has his hand up so the teacher thinks about this and decides "G" is a safe one.  "Yes Johnny?" She asks.

"G is for Gnome G-N-O-M-E. A Gnome lives among the flowers too".

"Johnny! That's Excellent!" Exclaims the teacher, very happy that for once he
wasn't out of line.

"Thank you, teacher, he's also the one who screws the fairies!"

A rural couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their only son to college. Once there, he began to grown long sideburns, a mustache, and a goatee. When his facial hair was  luxurious enough to satisfy him, he had his photograph taken and mailed it home with a note that read: "Do you like the photo? Do you think it makes me look like a count?"

"You idiot!" His father wrote back. "Here we are spending a fortune on your education and you can't even SPELL!"

The Good Lord

A man attended a Billy Graham Crusade.  When the very emotional sermon was over, Reverend Graham asked those who'd been moved by the Lord to come forward.

The man had really been taken by the sermon and came forward to shake hands with Graham.

When the man got to the Reverend, Graham held his hands up, grabbed the microphone, stopped the music, and waved for silence.  "My dear man, who put those clothes on your body?"

The man replied, "The Lord did!"

"AMEN" shouted the congregation.

"My good man, who put food on your table?"

"The good Lord did, Reverend!" the man shouted.

"AMEN!  Hallelujah!" the crowd roared in response.

"My good fellow, who put that smile on your face and a rosy look to your cheeks?"

"Reverend, it was the Lord!"

"PRAISE GOD!" the crowd cheered.

Reverend Graham again raised his hands and called for silence.  "Now, kind sir, what did the Devil ever do for you?"

The man thought for a second.  "Nothing.  Fuck him."

Special Link

If you're over 18, try this link and when it comes up,
move your mouse over the image.

Confucius Says....

... baseball no sport, man with four balls cannot walk.
... man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
... Kotex is not best thing on earth, is next-to-best thing on earth.
... man with penis in peanut butter jar, fucking nuts.
... man who walk through airport door sideways, going to Bangkok.
... man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
... man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

Valley Girl

A professor was taking in the scene at a popular L.A. nightspot when a
mini-skirted Valley Girl sashayed over to him and said, "Like, I want you to totally screw my brains out."

"Sorry," he replied, "I'm not into quickies."

Travel Vouchers

An airline employee of by the name of James Gay boarded a  flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat.

Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the airline
employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said to the man now sitting there,

"Excuse me, are you Gay?"

The man, somewhat stunned, said,

"Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!"

The flight attendant said,

"I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane."

At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, (and was rather amused) jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake I'm Gay!"

Finally, another man jumped up and said,

"Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!"

Artificial Insemination

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

Still Mourning

Nancy lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday.  Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.  Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit.  They took to one another and after dating
for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. 

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.  Looking at her he asks  "Why the black panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."  He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night, the same scenario.  She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit........except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?" 

He replies, "I want to extend my condolences."

Quickie

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

Pranks

The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to get thoroughly shitfaced. A couple of pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck out, turned his horse around, and went back to join the hapless for a few more rounds.

The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the cowhand's wife started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming, "Tex, get up! You have to hit the trail, you've got work to do."

"Can't," mumbled Tex. "Too beat. Too tired. Can't even lift my head."

"Get the hell up!" she screamed in his ear. "I've seen you hungover a thousand times."

"Last night was different," said the wretched fellow. "Some son of a bitch cut my horse's head off, and I had to pull him all the way home with my finger in his windpipe!"

Perhaps

The clerk showed the guy the store's most expensive perfume. "This is called 'Perhaps,'" said the sales clerk. "It's $285 per ounce."

"Listen," the guy shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called, "You Can Bet Your Sweet ASS You'll Get Some!"

Adam

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam."
The girl brings out a fig leaf.
He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a bigger one.
He says, "Still not big enough."
She brings out a huge fig leaf.
He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder
and go as a gasoline pump?"

Lucky Girl

Mille was complaining to Janis that her latest lover only wants to eat it Janis said you’re a lucky girl, but if you want to discourage him why not rub garlic in your pussy?
I tried that, said Millie, but the next night he came to bed with some lettuce and olive oil.

The Right Words

A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter. He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."

She smiled pleasantly and asked "And what would you like?"

The man said, "I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful breasts and bite your nipples lightly . . . . 

What I *need* is a new tie!"

Salvation Army

A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialed at random. "salvation Army," came the answer. 

"What do you do?" asked the man.

"We save wicked men and women," came the reply.

"Okay, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night."

WARNING !!!!!

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your tits

DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR TITS.

This is a scam and he is only trying to SEE YOUR TITS.

Dentist Visit

A dentist had an old lady patient who was very hard to handle.  As soon as she sat in the chair, she panicked and would clamp her mouth shut so firmly that he couldn't get it open to work on her teeth.

One afternoon, on about the third try to treat the old lady, the dentist figured out a way to get the job done.  He excused himself from the old lady, went back to the reception desk and told his receptionist that as soon as he was ready to work on the old lady's teeth, she was to move up behind her and jab her in the rear with a long pin.  Well the receptionist did what she was told, and sure enough, the old lady opened her mouth to holler and that opening, maintained with a pry to keep it that way, got the job done.

Finally finishing with his work, the dentist said, "Well now, that wasn't so bad, was it?"

"Nope, not so bad," said the old lady.  "But I'll tell you this, I never expected to feel the pain of a toothache way down in my ass."

Private Detectives

Creeping around to the bedroom window, the private detectives saw their client's wife in bed with another man.

"Just as I suspected," said the first. "Let's go in after him."

"Great idea," the other replied. "How soon do you think he'll be finished?"

Hunger

An old farmer was relaxing on his verandah one evening, watching his rooster in the yard running around chasing after the hen.  They circled the yard half a dozen times, the cock in what seemed to be fierce pursuit of the hen... The farmer's wife then threw some scraps into the yard and the hen kept right on running, but the rooster stopped for nourishment. The farmer then lamented: "Good God in Heaven, I pray that I never get that hungry!"

Subject: Latest Ploy in Afghanistan

The latest ploy to drive the Taliban and Al Qaeda out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of North Carolina Special Forces.

Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Bro, Scooter, and Cooter are being sent in with the following information about the Taliban:

1. There is no limit.
2. The season opened last weekend.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music, or Jesus.
5. Some is queer.
6. They don't like barbeque.
7. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.

Yep, should be over in about a week.

Not Exactly

An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm turning eighty tomorrow. I've hired a hooker for the night, and I'd love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me something that'll get me up?"

The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night." 

Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How's it going?"

"Fabulous," the old man said. "I've come three times already."

 "That's great," the doctor said. "the hooker must be astounded."

"Not exactly," the old man said. "She's not here yet."

Exotic Car Expert

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said. "Heck, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini!"

Perfume

The clerk showed the guy the store's most expensive perfume. "This is called 'Perhaps,'" said the sales clerk. "It's $285 per ounce."

"Listen," the guy shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called, "You Can Bet Your Happy ASS You'll Get Some!"

Quickies

Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are
going to need them to empty your bed pan and hold your hand.

What is it about the navy and submarines that women love so much?
The concept of a long, hard cylinder filled with seamen.

Getting It Right

On their wedding night, the young bride told her groom, "Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. Lastly if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."

The groom replied, "Okay sweetheart. Just make sure that when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not be wanting sex. But if I drink more than two, your hair won't matter!"

Kissing A Frog

An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company.  So off to the pet shop she went.  Forlornly, she searched.

Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.

As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He   whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry." The old lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else.

So, she bought the frog and went to her car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry." So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince.  Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?

come on, guess........

The first motel she could find------- (She's old, not dead)

Golf Balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to of all people a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thought-fully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Baptism

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school.

So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you in it. The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

"Yes. What do you think that means?"

"That means we're Pisscopalians."

Cure

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

Quickies

A girl of 23 married a man of 84, and they asked her how things went.
"Well," she laughed, "Did you ever try to put a marshmallow in a piggy
bank?"

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said,
"I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied,
"So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

Look-Alike

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.  Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
 
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
 
We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.
 
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
 
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

Hurrah for Dennis Miller!! 

He said recently on his show, regarding the judges who declared the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional:

"So, Your Honor, the Pledge is unconstitutional because it says 'Under God'. Guess that means when you were sworn in with your hand on a Bible, and at the end of your oath repeated, 'So Help Me God' that makes your job unconstitutional, therefore you have no job, which means your ruling doesn't mean shit."

Quickie

What is the most common pickup line in a lesbian bar?

"Your face, or mine?"

In Debt

George comes home from work early one day and discovers his wife giving the paperboy a blowjob.

He starts screaming and yelling at her, "How could you give the paperboy a blowjob when you know damn well it's the milkman we owe money to?"

How Cum?

Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I Cum, and one named No Cum. No Cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No Cum Tu.

For velly oblious reason No Cum and No Cum Tu not have any childlen.

One day, No Cum went out of town on business and I Cum came over and spent the night with No Cum Tu. That night I Cum came and No Cum Tu came, too. This make both velly happy.

However, about 7 or 8 months later, No Cum see he about to become father but he not know how come, so when baby come he named it How Cum U Cum.

Of course, I Cum and No Cum Tu know How Cum U Cum came, but to this day No Cum not know how How Cum U Cum came!

A Hooker's New Heart

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before the colleague was about to have a heart transplant.

The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend.  What if her body rejects the organ?"

The doctor replied, "Well, she's 34-years-old and is in extremely good health, apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"

The patient's friend replied, "She's been working since she was 18-years-old, but what's that got to do with anything?"

"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ yet,  I don't think she's about to start now!"

The Lost Peesh

This poor guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Damn!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. "It'll just have to be someone else's."

Blonde Moments!

A very well-built young blonde was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. 

"I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that,too." 

The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?" 

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

Check-Up

 A Polish girl went to the gynaecologist. She disrobed and got up into the stirrups. The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her vagina he asked, "When was the last time you had a check-up?"

"Well, to be honest with you," she blushed, "I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several Hungarians."

Questions

Q: What do you call it when a person with multiple personality disorder masturbates?
A: An orgy.

Q: What did the blonde say when the job interviewer said, "Spell your
name?"
A: Y-O-U-R N-A-M-E

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says on the box: "good for up to 20 pounds."

Best Friend

The bartender serves him up his drinks,  and says "WOW you must be having a pretty rough day." 

The man says Ya!, I found my wife in bed with my best friend. 

"Well," the bartender says, "if you don't mind me asking what did you do to your wife?"

The man replies. I told her to pack her bags and get out. 

The Bartender replies, "Holy shit! What did you do with your best friend?" 

The man replies. I shook my finger at him and told him he was a bad dog.

Alien Sex

Three important questions to ask an alien before having sex:

(1) Are you carrying any diseases which might be communicable to humans?
(2) Have you had sex with any high-risk partners in the past six months?
(3) Which one is your mouth?

The Wedding Night

John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they had never had sex. "We'll have to wait until we are married," she told him. So he waits.

They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls around. On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and says "I have some bad news. I have my period, and I don't want our first time to be all
bloody!"

John says, "You're kidding!"

Mary says, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer."

Mary goes to sleep, and wakes up at 3:00 am to get a drink. On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling.

"There's no use John," she said "You might as well go to sleep."

"I would, except my dick's so hard there's not enough skin left to close my eyes!"

Quickies

Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf and dumb!

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

What's the difference between a police car and a porcupine?
Porcupines have pricks on the outside

It's o.k. to laugh during sex...
just don't point!

How can you tell that Grandma's sex drive is alive and well?
She keeps baking those Viagra Chip Cookies!

Escusa Me

An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and asks,  "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband. So the Italian woman goes to ask another saleswoman: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony.  He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?" 

"No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband."

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and asks, "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony.  He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers, "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here licketysplit."

"No no no, thatsa  not-a my Tony. He pinch-a the ass, grab-a the tits...but he no lickety split!"

Beauty and Brains

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment, where he soon discovered she was actually well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get intimate with her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors, and offered her a glass of wine.
 
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry, by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma, and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world."
 
She continued, "On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

Ears

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I can put you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears." 

"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's." 

"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!

More Quickies

"a 'push in the bush'.....is better than a 'gland in the hand'" !

Q. What's the best thing to come out of a penis when you stroke it?
A. The wrinkles.

To truly love another, you must first love yourself.
And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.

Quickie

Q: What do you call it when a person with multiple personality disorder masturbates?

A: An orgy.

The Honeymooners

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

Arkansas Quarter

In The Hills

While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went into the small town nearby and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl.
He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"
"Well," she giggled, "I can...until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"

No Respect

My wife said " Honey , go get a dozen condoms, I'm horny."

I said "Great, I'll be right back!" When I got back , she said "Thanks" and walked out the door.

By Accident

One day, while driving with my then 5 year old son, I beeped the horn by
mistake. He turned and looked at me as if he was demanding an explanation. I said, "I did that by accident." 

He replied, "I know that.  'Cuz you didn't say 'IGNORANT FUCKING ASSHOLE!' after honking!"

New Study

"According to a new study, women use their entire brain when they're listening, whereas men only use half their brain. You know why that is?  When a man is listening to a woman, the other half of the male brain is busy picturing what she looks like naked." -Jay Leno

Stronger

Two older men were drinking up at a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard."

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

The Mid East

The newlywed couple went on a cruise for their honeymoon. The couple's
conversation headed towards political and international events. The husband
asked, "Honey. What do you think about the Middle East position."

His wife replied, "I don't know, dear, have we already tried it?"

I only said...

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"

"Oh, no! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."

"I also heard that you've been calling me fat!"

"Oh, no! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."

"I also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"

"Oh, no! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

Druggist Advice

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.

He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month. 

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. 

At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms." 

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer." 

The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

Redneck

The redneck patient was being admonished by the doctor at the local health clinic. "Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you ain't to have no relations whatsoever!"

Pausing for a moment, the young patient replied, "Okay, but what about friends 'n neighbors?"

Balls

Two guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding. "I'm not sure if my
future bride is a virgin or not."

His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is
some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red
and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are
the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"

Rescue

A ladder was placed against the bedroom window of a burning house, and a young fireman rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see through nightie. "Aha," said he, "You're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!"

"But I'm not pregnant," indignantly exclaimed the brunette.

"You're not rescued yet either."

Mel Gibson Look-alike

The handsome construction worker considered himself quite, the stud, and indeed had no trouble persuading a good-looking recent acquaintance to come back to his apartment. After making love to her, he rolled over and lit a cigarette. His self-satisfied smile vanished, however, when the woman hopped out of bed and snapped, "You may look like Mel Gibson, but you're lousy in the sack."

The indignant fellow snapped, "I don't see what makes you such an expert after only forty-five seconds !"

Airport Security

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. And that was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of alphabet agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

And now , thanks to Tom Daschle and his runaway Senate we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."  Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs: "FATASS."

I feel safer already .

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have some very bad news for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease."

So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?"

The doctor tells the patient. "Hmmm.... maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths.'

"Mud baths?  Will that help me, doc?"

"Probably not ... But at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!"

News services are reporting that Osama bin Laden has been captured by U.S. Special Forces.

In a covert operation, the entire country of Afghanistan was sprayed with Viagra and the little prick popped right up.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..! ! ." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment ?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"

"Tripod??

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?... 
...Good Lord, she's fainted!!

Return To The Todays Chuckle Home Page