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Tourists

This married couple were on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentlemen with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners, Come in. Come into my humble shop".
So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them. "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.    As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs.

The Pakistani then began screaming.  "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

Firm It Up

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she glared at him and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.

With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother.

Rectal Thermometer

A doctor goes to cash a check at his local grocery story, and pulls a rectal thermometer out of his pocket to sign the check.

Quite embarrased he says "Well now that's just great....some asshole has my pen".

Getting What You Want

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close of hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

Surprise

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.
"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said the little boy.
After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends.   "Say, Pop," said the boy.
"Yes," replied his father.
"The bull just fucked the brown cow."  There was a sudden lull in the conversation.
The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow." The father went back inside the house.
After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy."
"Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!!!"

Airport Landing

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Seamus the co-pilot. As they  approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.

"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is".
"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Seamus.
"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy.
"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Seamus.
"Right Seamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Seamus.
"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Seamus.
"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Seamus.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' yur soul" said Paddy.
"I be doing dat already" replied Seamus.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Seamus full of nerves and sweaty palms.   As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Seamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.   Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tires and lots of smoke, the plane   screeched to a halt centimeters from the end of the runway, much to the
relief of Paddy and Seamus and everyone on board.  As they sat in the cockpit regaining their
composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Seamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".
Seamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is.

Pass it on

Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked up and asked him what he was doing? Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in the world."
The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"
Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!"

SOUTHERN SAYINGS.....

1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
2. "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
3. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
4. "Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"
5. "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."
6. "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
7. "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."
8. "Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."
9. "He's as country as cornflakes."
10. "This is gooder'n grits."
11. "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
12. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

Stoned Lover

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.  "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom.  I liked it
so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something.  I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Little Johnny

Little  Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6"
"But that's right!" his father said.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" replied Johnny.
"What's the fucking difference?" asks his father.
"That's exactly what I said!

It's All Relative

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says, "Tell me."
He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what are they. He says "well, pussy and bitch."
She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning."
Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle is pussy."
"OK, dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."

Flasher

A man in a trench coat walked into a supermarket.  After walking around for several minutes he grabbed a large can of beans and moved on to the cashier.

He placed the can down on the counter, opened his trench coat and slapped his penis down next to the beans.

The shocked cashier picked up the can and proceeded to slam it repeatedly down on the flasher's private parts.  He screamed and passed out from the pain.

The police were called and in the memo section of the incident report the responding officer wrote, "He should have purchased a loaf of bread."

Emergency

A guy went into a bar and met a girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having a great time.   She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure, she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.
A nurse asked the nature of the problem.
He replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.

YeR FReND,
BiLLy

----

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa

******************************

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for  everybody!
Love,
Sarah

---
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

******************************

Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love,
Joey

---
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.  You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.

Santa

******************************

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

---
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?

Santa

******************************

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan
---

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.

Santa

******************************

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

---

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail
waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table.
Hey, YOU wanted to know!

Santa

******************************
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

---

Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa
******************************

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get in?
Love,
Marky

---

Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school.
Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex.
Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
Santa

Did You Know?

A family was all together recently, just hanging around.  The sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud; "Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"

The bother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?"

To which the father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough."

Three Specials

Three best friends are going out to celebrate one's birthday. The three of them decide to go to a house of ill repute. Upon arrival, they notice they have three choices: 1) Special   2) Super Special   3) Super Extra Special.
 
The first guy asks, "What should we do?"
 
The second replies, "Well, there are three of us, and three specials, so let's each try one."
 
The third asks if he can be last, since it is his birthday. They all agree.
 
So the first goes to the Madame and says, "I'd like your Special, please."
 
She replies, "Sure, hon. Up the stairs, third door on your left." He turns, smiles at his buddies, and goes upstairs. After about 15 minutes, he comes down the stairs with a big smile on his face.
 
The others ask, "SO, what happened?"
 
He replies, "Well, she put a pineapple ring on my tally wacker and ate it off -- it was great, but it could've lasted longer."
 
So, now it's the second guy's turn. He goes to the Madame and says, "I'd like your Super Special, please."
 
She again replies, "Sure hon. Up the stairs, third door on your left." He starts to go upstairs, smiles to his friends and continues on his way. About 30 minutes later, he comes down the stairs with a HUGE smile on his face.
 
"So," his friends ask, "what happened?" He says,
 
"Well, she put TWO pineapple slices on my tally wacker and ate them off ... pretty cool, huh?"
 
So, at this point, the birthday boy is very excited. He goes to the Madame and says, "I'd like your Super Extra Special, please -- it's my birthday."
 
She once again replies, "Sure hon. Up the stairs, third door on your left."
 
He doesn't even stop to look back at his friends, he just bounds up the stairs. Well, he is up there for over an hour. Then, they see the door open and the birthday boy starts down the stairs -- and the look on his face looks as though someone had shot his dog! He makes his way down the stairs and his buddies ask, "Man, what happened? This was supposed to be awesome for you, and you look
like someone shot your dog!"
 
 "Well," he says, "she put THREE pineapple rings on my tally wacker, and chocolate syrup, and whip cream, and even sprinkles. And I'll be damned if it didn't looks so good -  I ate myself."

The Date

This Guy and girl were out on a date. They were in his car and stopped at a secluded spot. They moved closer and wrapped their arms around each other. Then the girl whispered in the guys ear kiss me where it stinks.
So he drove her to New Jersey.

SHAME AND GLORY

A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one..."This is for the shame", and then the second one ..."This is for the glory."

She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one ..."This is for the shame" and then the second one ..."This is for the glory."

She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her. "Ma'am, I was just wondering ... what's this about shame and glory?"

"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."

"That must be the shame," the bartender said.

"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked together and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."

Generic Drugs

All drugs these days are also sold as generics.  For example, Tylenol is also known as Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on "Mycoxafailin".

Also considered were:

1) Mycoxafloppin
2) Mydixadroopin
3) Mydixarizin

TimeTo See the Vet

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money  comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows."

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."

Potato Hookers

Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner.  How can you tell which
one is the prostitute???
.
.
Scroll Down

.ready for this??  .

Here it comes...

.
.
It's the one with the little sticker that says IDAHO.

Beeping

I was watching T.V. and I heard this beeping going off in the kitchen. The first thing I thought of was the smoke detector going off so I ran into the kitchen and checked everything out.  By the time I got to the kitchen, the beeping had stopped and I couldn't smell any smoke.

I went back to watching my movie and I kept hearing a beep every minute. I  knew that the type of smoke detector that you have is the type that took a few minutes to reset itself.  I kept watching my movie , and about 10 minutes later I was really getting pissed off that the beeping continued. I paused the movie, ran out to the kitchen, unhooked the detector, and went back to the movie.

The beeping continued.

Having a college degree in electronics, I knew that the capacitors could hold a charge after the batteries were removed.  About 20 minutes later, I was really getting pissed because I could still hear the beeping.  And I got so mad, I went out and grabbed a pair of wire cutters and cut the fucking speaker off the smoke detector and left it sitting on the counter.

I sat back down and heard "beep".

Now I was fucking fuming.  I listened to that fucking "beep" about three more times, then I finally got a hammer and pounded the ever-loving shit out of your fucking smoke detector on the counter (while I was pounding I heard "beep").   It was really getting me mad.  I sat back down and resumed the movie and sure enough "beep".  I had the wire cutters in my hand and I went out (curious to see what the hell could still be running it) and cut all the little parts into pieces, and put half into a little plastic container and left half on the counter.  I took half the parts over to the living room thinking if it beeps I know it's these, and half the parts I left on the counter knowing it would be them.

In moments I heard the parts in the kitchen beep.  So I took them into the living room and spread them on the table, staring at them, saying to myself "the fucking part that beeps, will get smashed"  Not three seconds later, the parts I just had, now on the counter in the kitchen beeped.  I was furious.  I thought to myself, (his smoke detector is posessed).  I brought all the parts into the living room and layed them out on the coffee table.  I was staring at them, just waiting for one of them to beep so I could smash the shit out of it.

All of a sudden, I hear "beep", but it was coming from the kitchen.  I walked out there, all freaked out.  I just waited.. and waited.. it seemed like hours but was only 30 seconds later, I heard the mystifing "beep" coming from your jacket.  I looked in the jacket and it was your beeper that you had left at home by accident.  All I could do was take my hammer and beat the ever-loving shit out of your beeper because I was the one who paged you.  {sorry}

Helpful Teacher

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the fucking goalie!"

Drinking

One day an Englishman, an American, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Giuness Stout. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed, one in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

Fastest Service

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry."
The waitress begs the question, "So, how is whacking-off in the middle of the
restaurant going to help that situation?"
One of the other Japanese men replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

Lifesavers

A man was doing a study of children's senses in a first-grade class using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave the children all the same kind of Lifesaver and asked them, "What is the flavor, and what color is it?"
The children began to say, 'Red . . . cherry . . . yellow . . .lemon . . . lime . . . green . . . orange . . . orange."
Finally, he gave them all honey Lifesavers. The children sucked on them for a while, but couldn't decipher the taste. "Well,"  he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother would call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled: "Everybody spit it out, they're assholes!"

New Secretary

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek. "Hey,
bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot! "No way, how
could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you
squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she
types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her".
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while.
Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah!
Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

Rednecks' Sex Test

 1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.  [ True ]   or   [ False ]
 2. Asphalt describes rectal problems.  [ True ]   or   [ False ]
 3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.  [ True ]   or   [ False ]
 4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.  [ True ]  or   [ False]
 5. The clitoris is a type of flower.  [ True ]   or   [ False ]
 6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.  [ True ]   or   [ False ]
 7. Semen is a term for sailors.  [ True ]   or   [ False ]
 8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.  [ True ]   or   [ False ]
 9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.  [ True ]   or   [ False ]
 10. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.  [ True ]   or  [ False ]
 11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.  [ True ]   or  [ False ]
 12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.  [ True ]   or  [ False ]
 13. Coitus is a musical instrument.  [ True ]   or   [ False ]
 14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.  [ True ]   or   [ False ]
 15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.  [ True ]  or  [ False ]
 16. A condom is a large apartment complex.  [ True ]  or  [ False ]
 17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.  [True] or   [False]
 18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.  [ True ] or  [ False ]
 19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.  [ True ] or  [ False ]
 20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.  [ True ] or [ False ]
 21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.  [ True ] or [ False ]
 22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.  [ True ] or  [False ]
 23. Pornography is the business of making records.  [ True ] or  [ False ]
 24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.  [ True ] or  [ False ]
 25. Douche is the French word for "twelve."  [ True ]   or    [ False]

Sex

At his wedding reception, the young groom's granddad congratulated his grandson and said, "The secret to enjoying a long and happy marriage is to listen to each other at all times, respect each other's wishes and to try and have sex in moderation. That way, your marriage will last as long as your grandma's and mine has."
 Thanking him for his advice, the grandson asked, "What is sex like then when you get older, granddad?"
His granddad looked at his grandson, smiled and replied, "Just like trying to play pool with a piece of rope!"

Pills

Concerned about his failing manhood, a farmer went to the local doctor for help. The doctor gave him a small container of pills and told him to take no more than one a day. Back home, the farmer thought he'd try the medication on his stud horse first. The horse swallowed the pill, jumped out of his stall, kicked a side of the barn over and ran off down the road. "Those pills are too strong for me," the farmer thought, and pour the rest into his well. Later, when the doctor came to check on him, the farmer told how he had disposed of the medication.
"Heavens!" exclaimed the doctor. "You haven't drunk any of the well water, have you?"
 No," said the farmer. "We can't get the pump handle down."

He Said

To the blonde he said"
"I am the President of the United States of America. How much will it cost me to spend some time with you?"
The blonde replied, "For you, Mr. President, it will cost $500."

To the Redhead he asked the same question. She replied "I will spend all the time you want for $1,000."

To the Brunette:
When he approached the brunette he asked the same question and she said, "If you can raise my skirt as high as you've raised my taxes and can get your pants as low as my wages and get that thing of yours as hard as times are now and screw me as well as you do the public, believe me, it won't cost you a damn thing!"

Success

To a man, the meaning of success depends on his age:
At age 4, success is not peeing in his pants
At age 16, success is "gettin' a little"
At age 50, success is about career and family
At age 65, success is "gettin' a little"
At age 90, success is not peeing in his pants

Quickie

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

ODD LAWS

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female.  Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.   (Oh, like THAT makes sense... )

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.  (Maybe it looks different backwards)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.  This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.  (...a brick?????)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.  (...Wonder how they enforce that one??)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason?: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.  (now let's just think for a minute...is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.  (of course!!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.  (I shudder at the thought)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.  (...we have to presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law..?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."  (Is that a great state or what?)

In Taiwan, it is illegal to talk on a phone while driving, under penalty of death.
 (..A permanent solution to temporary problem, eh what?)

25th Anniversary

A husband and a wife are having there 25th wedding anerversery at a hotel and the woman asked the man 'what was going through your mind when you first saw me naked'.
The man said 'i wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry'.
As the woman was getting undressed she said 'what are you thinking now?'
The husband said 'I think i did a pretty good job.

Starting to Swear

A 4 year old and a 7 year old were at home one morning, and the 7 year old said to the 4 year old,  "I think it's about time we started swearing!"
The 4 year old agreed and said, "So what do I say?"
The 7 year old thinks and says, "I'll say Hell, and you say Ass." The 4 year old agrees, and the 7 year old goes downstairs.
"So what are you going to have for breakfast today?" asks their mom.
"What the hell, I think I'll have some cheerios" said the 7 year old.
The mother puts him over her knee and spanks him over and over.
Then the 4 year old comes down. "What would you like for breakfast?" she asks again.
"I don't know, but you can bet your ass it won't be cheerios!"

Dog Food

Once upon a time there was this guy who worked night shift. He had worked nights most of his life and all he asked of his wife was that he have a snack in the frig each night when he got home.

Well one day his wife was feeding the dog some food from a can but the dog didn't eat it all so she put it in the refrigerator to feed to him the next day. When the husband got home and looked in the rig he saw what he thought was some sort of spread and he began to eat it with some crackers.

The next morning when he got up he asked his wife what kind of spread was it she had left for him the night before. She couldn't tell him it was dog food so she told him it was some new spread they were trying out at the market. He told her he really enjoyed it because it was light, tasty and made him wake up feeling frisky. He told her he liked it so much that she should try to have it for him every night when he got home.

Well, the next day she went down to the market and bought a whole shopping basket full of dog food. When she got to the check out stand the checker asked her if she had got a new dog since she was buying so much dog food. She told him her husband had come home the night before and ate it, liked it and she was going to have it for him every night. The guy tells her that dog food is not good for human consumption and if she fed him too much dog food it would kill
him. She said nothing hurts that man so just ring up what I have in the basket."

Every month she would go to the market and buy a whole shopping basket full of dog food and the guy at the register would tell her the same thing, "you're gonna kill your husband feeding him that dog food." Each time she would tell him to ring it up because nothing hurts that man.

Well one day she comes in and doesn't buy any dog food. The guy at the register says "What's the matter, you're husband get tired of that dog food?"
She says "No, my husband passed away 2 weeks ago."
The checker says "I'm sorry to hear that, but I told you that dog food was gonna kill him."
She says "No, it wasn't the dog food, one day he was sitting in the street licking his balls and got hit by a truck."

Two Blondes

Two blondes were walking down the street.
One of the blondes noticed a compact laying on the ground.
She picks it up, looks into the mirror, and says to the other blonde, "wow, this person really looks familiar".
The other blonde takes the compact, looks into it and says, "you dumb fuck, that's me."

The Operation

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor?  I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky.  It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.

Swapping Positions

"Darling," says a husband coyly to his wife.  "Let's swap positions tonight."
"What a good idea," she replies. "You stand in front of the sink and do the dishes, and I'll sit in front of the TV, scratch my crotch and fart."

Crash Studies

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal  accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the state of West Virginia was different,  where 89.3 percent of the final words were:  "Hold my beer & watch this!"

Presidential Clock

Our good buddy Bill Clinton was assigned a new intern named Sally. Being the polite gentleman he is, Bill went to visit Sally and ask her  if she needed any questions answered. She said no, so Bill asked, "Have you seen the presidential clock yet?"
Sally replied, "I haven't even heard of the presidential clock."
Bill then replied, "Well let's go to my office, so I can show it to you."
Sally was a little taken aback, and she stated, "With all the problems you've had lately, I don't think we should."
Then  Bill said, "Ahh, it's just a clock and I promise I won't try anything."
Sally then agrees to go with him.
Bill leads her to the Oval Office, shuts and locks the door behind them and then drops his pants to the floor. Sally is flabbergasted and says,
"Mr. President, that is the presidential cock, not thepresidential clock."
Bill looks at her and says, "Sally, by my definition, if you put two
hands and a face on it, it's a clock."

The Perfect Women

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.  After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,  "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

Ask the Pope

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around their house one day when Sleepy
rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"
Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get
to ask him!"
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey  out in front of the
other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey,
ask him, ask him!"
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"
Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."
The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask.
Dopey asks, "Well, do they have nuns in Alaska?"
The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting,  "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"
The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"
To which the Pope replies, "Well,my son, I think there must be a few black nuns
in Alaska, yes."
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying,"Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask
him the last part!"
The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"
To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah....Are here, uh, are there any midget
black nuns in Alaska?"
The startled Pope replies,"Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any
midget black nuns in Alaska."
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors,and the others start laughing, and
yelling, "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!"

Getting Excited

Two lesbians are walking up the street.   They see a gorgeous woman who is
tall and curvaceous.
1st lesbian:  "Oh, look how beautiful she is!"
2nd:  "Uhmm."
1st:  "Look at her breasts!"
2nd:  "Uhmm."
1st:  "Look at her legs!"
2nd:  "Uhmm."
1st:  "What is this all, 'Uhmm, uhmm?'  Can you say something else?"
2nd writes on a piece of paper:  "I can't, my tongue got hard."

Burial Details

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him.
"The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

Wedding Night

There was a man who had just gotten married and was spending his wedding night with his new wife in a very posh hotel. It was to be the first time that he had ever had sex with his partner, indeed he had never even seen her nude.
As they were both undressing, he looked up from taking off his socks to notice that she did in fact have very large breasts. He said as much to her, but the poor girl, who had always had a bit of a complex about them, got very distraught. So much so that she sent him, blanket in hand, to go and sleep in the corridor.  The man was pretty upset at this, but, not wishing to fuel her anger further, did as he was told. Just as he was getting off to sleep, another man came into the corridor and joined him. The first man asked the second why he was out there, to which the second replied that he was also on his wedding night and had never had the pleasure of seeing his new wife's body before either.
When she was undressing, he had complemented her on having a rather large bum. She hadn't been impressed with his comment, and had ordered him to go and sleep in the corridor.
It wasn't long before jilted honeymooner number three sulkily sauntered along to join the other two.
'What's wrong with you?' Asked the first. 'Did you put your foot in it as well?'
'No,' replied the third, 'but I bloody well could have...

Nothing Hidden

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap for
underwear.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Beer vs. Pussy:

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
    
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.
    
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
    
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Tie.
    
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy
    
24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.
    
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
    
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
    
If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
    
6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy
    
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Tie
    
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the
stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the
    stands
at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy
    
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy
    
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.
    
Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy
    
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.
    
If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Tie.
    
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
    
If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.
    
The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.
    
The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
    
Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Tie
    
Good beer: Samuel Adams, Moosehead, Pete's Wicked Winter Brew.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage Pussy.
    
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
    
It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.

Desert Island

  There are eleven beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
 
  2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
  2 French men and 1 French woman
  2 German men and 1 German woman
  2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
  2 English men and 1 English woman
  2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
  2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
  2 American men and 1 American woman
  2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
  2 New Zealand men 1 New Zealand woman
  2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
 
  One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
 
  One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
 
  The two French men and the French woman are living happily together    having loads of sex.
 
  The German woman has a strict weekly schedule when she alternates with    the two German men.
 
  The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is    cleaning and cooking for them.
 
  The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the    English woman.
 
  The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
 
  The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while  the American woman keeps on bitching about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.
 
  The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
 
  The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian  woman, who is checking out all the men on the other islands, after calling them "bloody wankers".
 
  One New Zealand man is having sex with the New Zealand woman, the other  Kiwi is searching the island for sheep.
 
  The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South to make them feel more at home, and by setting up a distillery.  They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied that at least "those English bastards" are not getting any.

You Asked...

Mr. Manstel returned home one night to find his wife laying naked in bed.  His eyes went wide and he began to strip... only to stop suddenly when he saw a cigar in the ashtray beside the bed.
"All right," he demanded, "I'll kill you unless you tell me where the cigar came from!"
A muffled voice came from under the bed...
"Havana."

Knowing the Difference

Finding his wife in bed with another man, the dismayed husband cried, "My God, Janet!  What are you doing?!"
Turning to her lover, the wife frowned and said, "And you thought I was kidding when I told you he didn't know his ass from his elbow."

Cow For Sale

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, "Cow For Sale...$5000" 
He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars."
The farmer says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's  tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like a woman.
Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5000,  and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth shit."

Both Sides of the Story

A man and woman are having a relationship for about 4 months now.  One Friday night, they meet at a bar after work.  They stay for a few, then go get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes.   They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar last night, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything much about it.  The conversation was slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.  So we went to this restaurant and he is still acting a bit funny and I am trying to cheer him up and I start to wonder if it is me or something else.  I ask him and he says no.  But you know I am not really sure.
Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me.  I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.  We finally get back to his place and I am wondering if he is going to dump me.  So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.   Reluctantly, I say I am going to go to sleep.  Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex.  But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave.  I don't know, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else????

His story:

Lousy day at work, low on funds, and tired.  Got some action though.

She Died

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said:

"I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible".

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said:

"Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle......."

The old woman fainted...............

Lines to Give Complaining Customers

1.  I can see your point sir, but I still think you're full of shit.

2.  I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.

3.  I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4.  How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?

5.  I'll have my people screw your people.

6.  It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

7.  I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

8.  Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.

9.  You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

10. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

11. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure?

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

4. She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

5. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

6. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

7. She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

8. She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

9. She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

10. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

11. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

12. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

13. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

14. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

15. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

16. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PICTORIALLY SUPERIOR.

17. She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

Howard

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to  forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him...   "Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor  to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last.  And you're single.   So just let it go."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality...
"Howard, you're a Veterinarian...."

Braggin Rights

A young single guy finds himself stranded on a deserted island. As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in the sand. Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life.  Suddenly, he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford.
Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man.  Days and weeks go by, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.  "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks.  "We have a wonderful life together and I'm in love with you.  Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is.  Would you mind, putting on my shirt and pants?"
"Sure," she says," if it'll help."  He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts it on. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does so.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island.  He sets off in the other direction.  They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later.  He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

First Aid

Fred was at home with the missus when he heard a knock at the front door. He opened it to see his friend Steve there clutching his hands between his legs.
"What's wrong?", Fred said. "I've been hit by a bloody cricket ball!" said his friend.
Just then Fred's wife, Karen came to the door and said "Quick come in here and I'll look after you".
When Fred looked in the kitchen he saw his friend sitting on a dining chair, his wife had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing his friend's penis with cotton wool and water.
"Christ!", thought Fred, "How do you feel?" he said.
His friend turned and said "Fred, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!", then holding his finger in the air he said "But I still think I will lose the nail!"

Like Clockwork

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule.
So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.
The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.
One germ said, "I'm going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I don't think the antibiotics will find me there."
A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don't think they'll find me there."
The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"

Biscuits

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.
"Mom?" she asks, "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch.
"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough.
Expecting to only pick up the biscuit she had a very unexpected episode of gas, which made a thunderous growling sound. Her husband was startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.
"What's wrong honey?" she asked.
He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

Puppies

A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top. She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest.

A little boy playing in the sand looked up at her and said, `Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with the brown nose.'

Pantyhose

How many animals can you fit into a pair of Pantyhose?


Now, think about it........ready?

ARE YOU SURE?????????






READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find.

Prescription for Viagra

An 80 year old man went to the doctor to ask for a prescription for Viagra. The doctor was a bit taken aback not only by his age but also because he was a widower. He told him he would have to have a physical first to make sure his heart, etc., was up to it.

He checked out OK for a man his age, so the doctor handed him a sample package. "Lets just try a couple of pills first and see how well you tolerate it. If it works out I'll write you a prescription."

The old man looked at the pills and said "Doc. Don't you have something smaller? All I want is a quarter of a pill."

"Sir, you are 80 years old. Trust me on this. You don't want a quarter of a pill. That won't do you any good at all. If you want a satisfactory sexual experience you're going to need a full dose."

"Doc, you don't understand. I don't want to have sex. I just want to get the damn thing out there far enough that I can stop peeing on my shoes."

Quarantine

A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets. He bought a snake while the woman got a skunk. As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says " NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"

Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan.
"What I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt."
"Yes" the woman replies " but what about the skunk?"
"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"
"But what about the smell?" the woman asks.
"Look if it dies it dies!"

Rape Case

An eight-year-old boy was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and though the crime seemed highly improbable, the state's evidence was overwhelming. As a last, desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down the client's pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny penis for all to see. "Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried, turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small, still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?" Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman-"
"WATCH IT," yelped the kid. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!"

The Seven Dwarfs

What did the seven dwarfs say when the prince woke Sleeping Beauty?

"Looks like it's back to jerking off."

Saving One's Life

11 people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended
from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.    Ten were blonde, one was a
brunette.  As a group they decided that one of the party should let go.  If
that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an
agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice
herself to save the lives of the others.  The blondes applauded.

Joining the Club

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tatoos all over his arms answers the door.  She proclaims "I want to join your biker club". 
The guy was amused and  told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?"
The little old lady says "Yea, thats my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady  says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool".
The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?".
The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples".

Multiple Little Johnny's

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"
The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking,"
Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said "6'",
"But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!


Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!
"All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".


Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little
girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"


Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation. The correct word to use is "urinate."
Please use the word "urinate" in a sentence correctly, and I'll let you go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says,"You're an eight, but if you had bigger
tits, you'd be a ten!"


One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful in the same sentence twice First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

Just An Opinion

One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life. Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny.
Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

Man's Best Friend

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
"I am placed in the door and told when to jump"
"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when
I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".

The American Way

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turnsto her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

It Feels Good

A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."

The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"

The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"

The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"

She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"

Stretching a Dime

Two men  were discussing how far each could make a dime reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who'd get the most out of a dime.

The first one bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes.   He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertiliser on her roses.  He told the other one, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."

The Second man said, "I got you beat.  I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a rubber, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up.  The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit.  He agreed with me and gave me my dime back."

Two Bishops

Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world. "I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self righteously. "Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

Dildo Salesman

One day the travelling dildo salesman visited a new town and went  about plying his wares to all the wives who were home.
He went to the first house and showed the first wife all of his wares. She thought for a little bit, trying to decide between the medium-sized pink one, and the large black one. Eventually, she bought the large black one.
He went to the second house, and showed his dildos to the second wife. She too, bought the large black dildo.
He went to the third and fourth houses, and all happened as before.
He went to the fifth house, and showed all of his wares to the fifth wife. She didn't think a moment before saying "I'll take the huge silver one." The salesman looked slightly confused for a second, but went ahead and charged her double what he normally charged for the large black one.
When he got home that evening his wife asked him how his day had gone. He replied it had gone well.
"How many dildos did you sell?" she asked.
"Well," he said, "I sold four of the large black ones............and my thermos."

Getting Dumber

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The Father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.
Minutes later he runs back and says' "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the Dumber they are," So he goes back
to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!

The Amish Way

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter
with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake..."

Little Johnny

Little Johnny came home from College and told his mother, "I got straight F's but I had sex with my teacher!"
Angry, she told him to go and tell his father. At first, his father was pissed, but when his mother was out of ear-shot, his father said: "Stevie, your mother can never know this, but your old man is proud of you." He then gave his boy a friendly tap on the butt.
"WATCH IT!" said Stevie, "I'm still pretty sore back there!"

Two Blondes

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy"
"Yeah. What's it called Sharon?"
"Viens a moi."
"Viens a moi? What the does that mean?"
At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'"
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"

Code Word

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen.'"
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week."

Coming and Going

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died. While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."

Nasty Rumors

Way down south, there's a Baptist minister of a large congregation. One morning after a particularly moving sermon, he says, "Friends, I have been hearing nasty rumors!" The crowd falls into an expectant silence. "One of you, my faithful followers, has been saying that I am a member of the Klu Klux Klan. This is not true! I am now asking that the guilty party confess and apologize here before my flock."

Just then Sister Margaret stands up, "Preacher, I don't know how this came to be. All I said was that you're a wizard under the sheets."

Costume Party

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam."
The girl brings out a fig leaf.
He says, "Not big enough." She brings out a bigger one.
He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig leaf.
He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

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