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Free Sex

A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says; "Get gas and free sex here". So obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay.
"Pick a number from 1 - 10 to get free sex." said the cashier.
"Uh, okay, 3!" the man replied.
"Nope! Sorry play again".
So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was really ticked: "This has got to be rigged! I have never gotten the number to have free sex!" He screamed.
"Oh no! It's not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 times last week alone!"

Lines to Give Complaining Customers

1. I can see your point sir, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?

5. I'll have my people screw your people.

6. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

7. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

8. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.

9. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

10. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

11. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure?

Mr. Schwartz

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest dick he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge dick like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

Hand Signals

Two construction workers are working the high beams. One is on the third floor, one on the first. The guy on the third floor needs a hand saw, but with all the noise from the construction, the guy on the first can't hear him. He yells and yells, but the guy on the first floor can't hear him. So the guy on the third floor decides to use hand signals. He points to his eye for "I", he points to his knee for "need," then moves his hands back and forth for "hand saw".
The guy on the first floor drops his pants and starts masturbating.
The guy on the third floor gets mad and runs down to the first floor and says, "What the hell are you doing! All I wanted was a hand saw!"
The guy on the first floor says, "Yeah, I just wanted to tell you I was coming."

Doctor Visit

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over," said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "Be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts," she cried.
The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why, yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor, "you have a broken finger."

Headache

As he got into bed the husband was very much in the mood, but was hardly surprised when his wife pushed his hand off her breast. "Lay off honey. I have a headache."

"Perfect," he said without missing a beat. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin."

Chicken Salad

Two toddlers, a boy and a girl, lived across the street from each other. Both dearly loved chicken salad. Each day, they took turns having lunch at his or her house and they always ate chicken salad.

This continued until they were ready to start school. The day before school started, their mothers found them crying. When asked why they were crying, they responded that they could no longer eat their chicken salad together.
The mothers comforted with the promise that they would pack their lunches and they could still eat chicken salad together every day.

The children did so every day. When they were about 11 years old, the girl unpacked her lunch one day and the boy, startled, said, 'That's not chicken
salad. You said you were going to eat chicken salad every day for the rest of your life. What IS that stuff??'

To which the girl replied, 'This is peanut butter and jelly. I still love chicken
salad, but I can't eat it anymore.'

Boy: 'Why not??'

Girl: 'Because I'm growing feathers.'

Boy: 'You are not!!'

Girl: 'Yes I am. I'm growing feathers and can't eat chicken salad anymore!!'

Boy: 'I don't believe you, let me see.'

Girl: 'I can't show you my feathers.'

Boy: 'I don't believe you.'

So the girl agrees to show him her feathers and they proceed around the building to a solitary spot and she drops her panties and shows him her
feathers.

Boy: 'My, my, oh my!! You ARE growing feathers. Well, I'm not and I'm going to eat chicken salad for the rest of my natural life.  Well, every day, the girl ate peanut butter and jelly and the boy ate his chicken salad.  When they were 13, the boy unpacked his lunch. The girl, sniffing, exclaimed: 'That's not chicken salad!! You said you weregoingto eat chicken salad for the rest of your natural
life. What IS that stuff??'

To which the boy responded: 'Tuna salad. I can't eat chicken salad anymore.  I'm growing feathers, too!!

Girl: 'Let me see.'

Boy: 'Oh, no!! I couldn't possibly show you my feathers.'

Girl: 'I showed you mine.'

Boy: 'Well, I guess fair is fair. You did show me yours.'

They went around the building and he dropped his pants. The girl's mouth dropped open and she exclaimed: 'You're not only growing feathers, you're growing the neck and the gizzards, too!!

Getting A Man

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned.
Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.
Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got
back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"
Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."
Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."
Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
Liz, "So, how's that gonna help you get a man."
Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

Poker

Two old maids played poker with Peter every Tuesday evening.  It was Peter's turn to have the game at his house, but his furniture was out being reupholstered, and they had no chairs.  They decided to solve the problem by sitting cross legged on the floor and putting newspaper on their laps to hold the cards.
After playing awhile, the first old maid saw Peter's pecker peeking through the paper.   She excused herself and went to the bathroom.  The second old maid then saw Peter's pecker peeking through the paper and she followed the first one.
She walked into the bathroom and saw the first old maid sitting on the toilet.  The second old maid said "DID YOU SEE PETER'S PECKER PEEKING THROUGH THE PAPER WHILE WE WERE PLAYING POKER?"
The first old maid replied, "YES, I SAW PETER'S PECKER PEEKING THROUGH THE PAPER WHILE WE WERE PLAYING POKER, BUT DON'T MENTION IT BECAUSE IT MAKES MY PUSSY PUCKER AND I CANT PEE!!"

Little Johnny

One day, during English class, the teach says, "Who can tell me the meaning of 'indifferent'?"
The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows.
Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand.
The teacher, hesitant, call on him. "Yes, Johnny?"
"Teach, it's means 'lovely'."
Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think 'indifferent' means 'lovely'?"
"Sure, teach. Last nite when I was in bed, I heard Mom say, 'That's lovely.'
Dad replied to her, 'Yep, it's in different.'"

Seagull

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde. The brunette say's in a disgusted voice, "Hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper."
After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.
The redhead say's, "what's so funny?"
The blonde say's, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"

Flying

While flying recently, Gloria Steinem was pleased to find that the entire flight crew was female. She asked a flight attendant if she might be able to do an interview in the cockpit.

"Pardon, me ma'am," said the flight attendant, "where did you say?"

"The cockpit."

"Oh, I'm sorry but we don't call it that on this flight."

Rich Bitch

A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.

The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."

The rich bitch just scowled and said nothing.

"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"

"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"

"No, Madam," said he maid.  "The chauffer told me that!"

NICODERM

A gay guy walks into the doctor's office. He takes off his clothes for examination. When he takes his clothes off, the doctor sees a Nicoderm patch at the end of his penis.
The doctor says, "Hmmm, that's interesting. . "
Does it work?"
The man answers "Sure does,I haven't had a butt in three weeks"!

New Look

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college.
As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new look, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

Hamburger Stand

A man goes into a hamburger stand and orders a burger. The waitress takes out two frozen patties and sticks them under her arms.
The man says "What the hell are you doing?!"
She replies "I'm defrosting them!"
The other guy at the counter says, "In that case, you can cancel my freakin' hotdog!"

Insurance Money

A woman recently lost her husband.  She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.  Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter...
Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said,"Irving remember that blow job
I promised you?  Here it comes..."

San Diego Zoo

Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Here's the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name.

They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, "What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?" One of the memos came back with "WGASA" written on the bottom. The planners loved it and the rest is history. What the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at the time. It stood for "Who Gives A Shit Anyhow?"

The Critics

There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride.
As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so theychanged positions.
Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a  realshame for that man to make such a small boy walk.
The two decided that maybe they both should walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so  theydecided
that they both should ride. 
They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey.  As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

Great Bar

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one.  Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's.  At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink.  You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great?  Where I come from,   there's this place called Warshowski's.  At Warshowski's, they buy you your first  drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two.  "That's fantastic!  Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"

REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS

            1. So your daughter's a hooker,
            and it spoiled your day...
            Look at the bright side,
            she's a really good lay.

            2. My tire was thumping...
            I thought it was flat...
            when I looked at the tire...
            I noticed your cat...Sorry!

            3. You had your bladder removed
            and you're on the mends...
            here's a bouquet of flowers
            and a box of Depends.

            4. You've announced that you're gay,
            won't that be a laugh,
            when they find out you're one
            of the Joint Chiefs of Staff!

            5. Happy Vasectomy!
            Hope you feel zippy!
            'Cause when I had mine
            I got real snippy.

            6. Heard your wife left you...
            How upset you must be...
            But don't fret about it...
            She moved in with me.

            7. Your computer is dead...
            it was once so alive.
            Don't you regret installing
            Windows 95?

            8 You totaled your car...
            and can't remember why..
            could it have been...
            the case of Bud Dry?

            9. Saw something today
            that reminded me of you.
            As a matter of fact it was
            the shit on my shoe!

            10. So you're taking Viagra
            so you can please me.
            What you need is an implant
            Since your inch size is three!

A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when he spies an old friend of his from college. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"
"Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the International Orchestra."
"Spectacular!" the man replies.
"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the tuba with gold and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the fuckin piccolo.
"We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the fuckin piccolo.
"Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he say 'Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the trombone doesn't fit. AND ME WITH THE FUCKIN PICCOLO!"

New Job

A woman desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The personnel Manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle Me Elmo line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:A.M the next day. The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed upthe assembly line is the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem.
Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmos legs.
The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

State of the Art

A rather confident man, walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!"

Hotel Room

A furious pounding in a hotel room late at night awakened a number of guests.The hotel manager was called, and he let himself into the room.Inside, he found an eldery man cursing and banging away on the wall with both fists.
"Stop that!" the manager ordered."You're disturbing the whole hotel."
"Damn the hotel!" the eldery man spat."It's the first erection I've had in years,and both my hands are asleep."

Artificial Insemination

Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Aldiss was surprised when the attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his clothes.
"And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded.
"Sorry," said the young man, "but we're all out of the bottled stuff. I've got to give you draft."

War Bride

During the occupation of Japan, a young GI fell in love with a beautiful Japanese girl.  After many months of courtship, they wanted to get married. Our government did not like to have mixed marriages, but they continued to fight for their love rights. One afternoon the CO called Jo into his office and gave him the good news that it was a go.
Blossom's parents would only give their blessing if the couple would have a traditional Japanese ceremony.  They both agreed.
The day arrived and Blossom dressed in her wedding kimono. She made a beautiful bride.
That evening in their hotel room, Blossom began to undress. With each piece of outer clothing she would take off she would say "Excuse Please."  Then all   her underclothes and again, "Excuse Please." She was down to her stockings, when she bent over to take them off and expelled some gas.
So embarrassed Blossom exclaimed, "OH SO SORRY, EXCUSE PLEASE, FRONT HOLE SO HAPPY, BACK HOLE HAD TO WHISTLE !!!!"

Galdys and Gertrude

Gladys and Gertrude were at a tea dance at the old folks home when a particularly relaxing song came on.  It brought back memories and Gladys asked Gertrude, Do you remember the minuet?"
Gertrude replied, "The men I et? Hell, I can't even remember half the men I screwed."

Old Chinese Sayings

Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.

Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy.

Man who get kicked in testicles left holding bag.

It take many nail to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things.

Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grows up to be shiftless bastard.

Passionate kiss like spider web -- soon lead to undoing of fly

Man who have hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth.

Man who lay woman on ground has piece on ear

Man who lay girl on hill not on level.

Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.

Baseball wrong.  Man with four balls not able to walk.

Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.

Man who do business in whore house get jerked around.

Woman who springs on innerspring this spring, gets offspring next spring

Man with athletic finger make broad jump.

Foolish man give wife grand piano.  Wise man give wife upright organ.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts

Virginity like bubble.  One prick -- all gone.

Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.

The Painter

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her.  They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants.  She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide.  They wander into the next room.   She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." 
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"!
The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room.  She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue.  Restful, peaceful, cool blue."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!
This is too much.  The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.'  What on earth does that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street."

An Escaped Convict

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous wife, bound up in the bed in a skimpy little nightgown, and wispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along, and pretend that you like it. Our lives may depend on it!"
"Dear", the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, cause he just told me he thinks you're really cute"!

Amazing!

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk,    "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question,to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age.   If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

Viagra

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast, bacon eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? An Aitken's buttery? Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to follow?

He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with (mmmm) a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come teatime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Maybe a red pudding or a steak pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking starving!!

Baby Size

Mark decided to propose to Suzie, but prior to her acceptance, Suzie felt she had to confess to him about her childhood illness. She informed Mark  that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity level of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much. 
Mark felt this was also the time for him to open up.. . Mark looked Suzie in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant. I hope you will be able to deal with that once we are married."
She said "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."
Suzie and Mark got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Mark whisked Suzie off to their hotel suite and they started holding one another, touching...........
When Suzie put her hands in Mark's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room. Mark ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
Mark said, "Yes, it is... 7 lbs., 8 oz., 19 inches long!!"

FIRM IT UP

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his package. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the butler, the pool man, and your brother."

TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
34. It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
35. I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
36. If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off...[Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest]
37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
50. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!

Worst Thing You Can Say

What's the worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife is
frigid?
"No, she isn't"

Lights

Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on, indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served. One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled, "Who turned on the fucking lights!?"
"Oh, no, sir, " the nearest flight attendant replied. "Those are the breakfast lights. You slept through the 'fucking lights'."

Membership Director

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit.
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

Nursing Home

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding." "Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no -- not the Breathalyzer again!

Lent

On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."
Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"

Magic Mirror

A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and
relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three", and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three", and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

Hillbilly Virgin

A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready. The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin."

The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house. When he gets there, his father says, "Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon."

The son says, "Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin."

"Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving.  If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for ours!"

The Mermaid

A man was walking on the beach and spied another man sunning himself on a towel. The prone figure was a well-built individual, obviously a body-builder, but his body was much larger in proportion to his head. He opened his eyes and caught the walking man staring at him.
"I'm so sorry," the man said, "I shouldn't stare, but I couldn't help noticing that your body and your head are not in proportion."
"That's an interesting story," the other man said, sitting up on the towel. "Sit down here with me and have a beer and I'll tell you the story. You see, I was on this very beach, walking along like you were, when I saw a mermaid out there by the rocks. I swam out and snuck up on her and caught her. As you might know, mermaids will give you three wishes so that you will release them. Well I'd always been a 97-pound-weakling sort of guy and couldn't get girls so the first wish I wished to have the body of Charles Atlas, the body builder. And POOF! I was changed instantly into a strong, viral man. Next I thought to myself I will need a place to take the girls I will be getting, so I wished for a million dollar
beach front mansion, and behind you is my magnificent home. So now I have the body and the place, all I need is the girl, right? So I turned to the mermaid and wished that I could make love to her. She explained that she was just a fish from the waist down and could not make love with a human. So I said to her, 'So how about a little head?'"

The Prognosis

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex.  Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.  Could we please do it one more time?"  Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.  He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die."
She says, "Of course, Dear,"  and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
The man,  however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours.  Do you
think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

A Good Woman Will Always Say...

"You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me."

"I know it's late and my parents are in the other room... but I still want you right now!"

"This porno storyline is boring... Fast forward to the gang bang scenes."

"Don't move over, I kind'a like sleeping in the wet spot."

"Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up. Here, use my blouse."

"That was a lot of fun! When will all of your friends be over again to watch
pornos?"

"I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our French maid, Monique."

"You're my daddy! Oh, yes, you're my daddy!"

"The new girl in my office used to be a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday."

"Honey, you forgot to flush the toilet. But it's good to see your so regular!"

"While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed.
If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover."

"Bar food again!? Fabulous!"

"I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has real style."

"That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool! I'm gonna go over and compliment her."

"I love hearing those cute stories about your old girlfriends. Please tell me more."

"I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentines Day present. Thanks, darling."

"Let's just leave the toilet seat up at all times. That way you don't have to mess with it anymore."

"I've decided to get myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?"

"It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers."

"Honey come here! Watch me do a tequila shot off of Stephanie's bare ass!"

"I'll put it on my credit card, so order another round for you and your friends."

"I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again."

"Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars, scotch and morning breath. You passed out again before brushing your teeth, ya' big silly!"

"You are so much smarter than my father!"

"If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch the football game!"

Playground

Three-third graders, an Irish kid, an Italian and a Hillbilly kid are in the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game.
"Lets see who has the largest dick," he says.
"Okay."  They all agree.
The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing,"says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.
Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth.
The Irish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge," they exclaim.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest dick."
"What kind of game is that?" says the mother.
"Well, me, Liam and Antonio each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"
The Mom replies: "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

The Top 14 Personalized License Plates of Celebrities

1HIT1DER -- Ricky Martin

NU CLEVGE -- Britney Spears

20K LAID -- Wilt Chamberlain

JAILBTCH -- Robert Downey, Jr.

HAD MILK -- Pamela Anderson Lee

OUTOFST8 -- Hillary Rodham Clinton

[ ] -- George W. Bush

C MY BRA -- Brandi Chastain

IM STR8 -- Tom Cruise

K8ODIDIT -- O.J. Simpson

PEN IS -- John Bobbitt

VOAT4ME -- Dan Quayle

EATNPUKE -- Calista Flockhart

TOP10SUX -- David Letterman

Rough, Tough & Selfish

A guy walks a woman to the door after there first date. He asks her if she has had a good time.She tells him yes but that to get her really horny she likes her men to be Rough, Tough & Selfish.

The next week the guy picks her up for there evening out dressed in a bikers black leathers. He grabs her throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley and away they go to the nearest bikers bar.

The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers. When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom.

He asks her "Well, was I Rough?"
"Yes" she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.

"and was I Tough?" he asks.
"Oh yes " she moans.

"Well them its time to be selfish". So saying he whips out his penis and gives himself a handjob.

What's the Difference?

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins
"'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Gardening

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatos won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatos and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says, ``Your tomatos are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?''
Her neighbor replies, ``Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatos can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see.''
Well, what the hell? She does it. Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.
``So-so'' she answers. ``The tomatos are still green but the cucumbers are all five inches longer.''

Two Eggs

These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon. While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg away and said "I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute." and off she went.

Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky egglige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, ovally body.

Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely. The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing.

He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!"

Shopping for Panties

Grandma went to Victoria Secrets one day, looking for a new pair of panties. When the sales lady heard why she wanted the new panties, she suggested a pair of bright red crotchless ones. Grandma decided to take them.
Grandma rushed home with her new found treasure of pleasure. She then put on the panties, laid out on the bed, and waited for Grandpa to get home.
When Grandpa arrived, Grandma called him to the bedroom. To Grandpa's surprise, he found Grandma laid out on the bed with her legs spread. Grandma then said, "So... Grandpa, you want some of this?"
Grandpa replied, "Lord NO, it done ate a hole through your panties!"

Healing the Sick

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.
The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you & I will heal you."
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV. and his other hand on his groin.
With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

Ouch!

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. So, he decided to test it on himself first.
He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and...voila, everything else was automatic!! He really had good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information.
He tried every button on the instrument, some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less, but still without success. Panicking, he called the supplier's Customer Service Hotline.
The farmer: "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow's udder?"
Customer Service: "Don't worry. The machine was programmed such that it will release automatically after collecting about 2 liters of milk."

The Drunk

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad,... you're drunk!"

Horseback Riding

A blonde who has never ridden before and has never had lessons decides that she is going to go horseback riding.
She mounts the horse unassisted and immediately the horse starts to gallop at a nice steady pace. The blonde, however, is bouncing from side-to-side. She tries to grab the horses mane, but she can't get a secure hold. Then she leans forward and throws her arms around the horses neck. All to no avail.
The horse gallops on oblivious to its riders plight. The blonde starts to slip from the saddle and his holding on to the side of the horse. Finally, she decides to throw herself free.
Unfortunately, her foot gets caught in the stirrup and as the horse gallops on, her head is banging up and down on the ground.
Just as she's about to lose consciousness, her quarter ran out.

It was a rainy night and there was a hotel near the highway. Presently a man entered, "Do you have a room?" he asked, soaking wet. 
"Yep," the man drawled, "I got three: one full of lemon, one full of limes and one filled with eighteen naked women!" 
"Uh," the wet man said, "I'll take the one full of lemons." 
About half an hour later another man came in, "Ya have a room?" 
"Yep," said the attendant. "I got two: one full of limes and one filled with eighteen naked women."
"I'll take the one full of limes," said the man.
Still another man came in an hour later, "Jeez, it's wet! Got a room?"
The attendant nodded, "Just one, full of eighteen naked women."
The man reluctantly agreed to take it.  THE NEXT MORNING, the three men woke up at the same time. The one with the lemons woke up and groaned, "God I feel like a lemon!" 
The one with the limes got up and mumbled, "Jeez, I feel like a lime." 
The one with the eighteen naked women woke up and said" I feel like a golf ball!"

Doo Daa

This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over by the cops.  The cop asked the man for his name and the guy replied, "Earl."
"You got a last name, Earl?"
"Nope.  It's a long story, Officer."
"I got time."
Earl sighs and says, "Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl Doo-Daa.  I was going to school to become a doctor, and I did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD.   I got bored just being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and   became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D.  After a little more time I  fooled around with this girl and got VD.  So I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD.   When the medical board found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD.  The dentistry board also found out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl  Doo-Dah with VD.  Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so I'm now just Earl.

3 Quickies

Fearing that she might be a hemophiliac, the prostitute went to see her doctor.
"It's awful," she says.  "Every time I get even a small cut, it takes days for the bleeding to stop."
"I see," said the physician.  "And how much do you lose when you get your period?"
She thought for a moment, then answered, "About five grand!!!

A Hells Angel met this cute young thing in a bar and bought her a few drinks. At closing time asked if he could go home with her, for some light entertainment.
She said: "We can't, I'm on my menstrual cycle".
He replied, "No problem doll, I'll follow you on my Harley"....

Did you hear about the two gay guys that where dancing when one said to the
other, why do you always get an erection when we dance together? The other
replied, because you dance like an asshole!!

Swedish Miners

Two Swedish coal miners (Sven & Olaf) were down in the mine working. The noon whistle blew for lunch and Sven pulled out a thermos of hot coffee.

Olaf looks at it and says, "Say, Sven, vat you got dere?"

Sven says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle."

Olaf says, "Ya, I have to get me one."

That night Olaf goes home, but forgets what it is called. So the next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Sven pulls out his thermos of hot coffee.

Olaf looks at it and says, "Say, Sven, vat you got dere?"

Sven says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle."

Olaf says, "Ya, I have to get me one."

That night Olaf goes home, but forgets what it is called again. Well Olaf really wants one of these things. So he decides the next day when he asks he's going to write it down so he remembers what it is. The next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Sven pulls out his thermos of hot coffee.

Olaf looks at it and says, "Say, Sven, vat you got dere?"

Well, by this time Sven is getting just a little bit pissed. Every day Olaf asks what it is and never remembers so he decides to just make up stuff since Olaf isn't going to remember anyway.

So Sven says, "Dis is a contraceptive."

Olaf says, "Ya, I have to get me one."  And he writes it down.

That night Olaf is in the neighborhood drug store and the pharmacist sees him walking around and says to him, "Can I help you?"

Olaf says, "Ya, I'd like a contraceptive."

And the pharmacist says, "Sure, what size?"

Olaf says, "Give me da 2 quart size, I'll be working in da hole all day!"

Adult Video

DeeDee decides to do something she's never done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
DeeDee: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
Store Clerk:  "Sorry about that.  We've had problems with some of those tapes.  Which title did you rent?"
DeeDee:  "It's called 'Head Cleaner".

Great Golf

Charlie came to work Monday and his coworkers asked him how his weekend was.

He said he played a little golf.  So, one of his coworkers asked him how well he did.

"I hit two of my best balls," he said.

"Tell me about it," asked his coworker.

"I stepped on a rake."

The Fruits of Love

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right.  He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".

The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window?  ...they're choking my ducks!"

Bumper Sticker Suggestions

1. Constipated people don't give a shit.
2. Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
3. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
5. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
6. Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
7. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.
8. My kid got your honour roll student pregnant.
9. Thank you for pot smoking.
10. To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
11. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counselling.
12. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
14. Horn broken...watch for finger.
15. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

So Beautiful...

A newlywed couple is getting ready for bed when the husband says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your body. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"
She opens her robe and lets her husband see her naked body.
And he says, "You are so so so beautiful. Can I get the camera and take a picture?"
"Why do you want to do that?" she asks.
"Because I love you so so so much, and I'd like to keep your picture next to my heart forever!"
She allows him to get the camera and take the picture. Then she says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your body too. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"
He opens his robe and lets his wife see his naked body.
And she asks, "Can I get the camera and take a picture?"
"Why do you want to do that?" he asks her.
"Because I want to get it enlarged!"

Size Matters

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say, "Hi there, little boy!"
One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies. They reply, "Well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be... it is just a joke!"
The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, "HI THERE, LADIES!

Sheep Fries

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.
"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"
The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.
On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she repied,
"It's the strangestthing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!

Assistance

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
Only one word leapt to mind. . .
"My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word."
The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?

Fire Escape

A man goes into a bar to get out of the rain. While he's there waiting for the storm to let up, he notices this girl in a wheelchair trying to get outside. He approaches her and asked if he could take her home, she said her father was supposed to pick her up, but he can't drive in the rain. The man offered her a ride home, and she refused. So she started down the block, the stranger went back inside to finish his drink. After about 30 minutes, he leaves the bar but sees this girl trying to wheel around the puddles, and traffic. The stranger catches up to her and along the way she asks him why he is being so kind. He told her he wouldn't be able to sleep unless he knew she was home.. after all, she'd been drinking most of the day. She agreed to let the stranger take her home.. They happened upon an alley, and the girl asked the stranger, if you want we could have sex. The man replied, well that's nice but you're in a wheel chair. I don't think it's possible. So, he decided it was better not to have sex with her. They finally arrive at her home, and her father came to the door. He thanked the stranger for bringing her home and handed him a $50 bill. The stranger asked what the money was for, and the father replied, "cause most of her dates just leave her hanging on the fire escape ladder'....

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf",says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My, what big ears you have Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the track Little Red
Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams...
"Will you fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit!"

Little Johnny

Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local park. Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum. "Hey Johnny,   wanna play doctor?"
Johnny lets out a puff of smoke and says, "Nah, that's too old  fashioned." Johnny then takes another drag, "Spit out your gum,  I wanna play President."

Taking Pity

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for.  I'm off to Europe in the morning and, if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

So Blonde That...

...She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...She thought a quarterback was a refund.
...She tripped over the cordless phone.
...She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
...She told someone to meet her at the corner of WALK and  DON'T  WALK
...She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put Sagittarius
...If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
...When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
...Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?  It took her months to
figure out she could use it at night.
...What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look!   They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
...Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?  Because it said "concentrate"
...Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to retrain.
...What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring.
...Why can't blondes be pharmacists?  Because they can't fit the bottle in the
typewriter.
...What's the definition of eternity?  4 blondes at a 4-way stop
...What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean?  An air pocket.
...What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar.
...Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?   "This goes in front"

Doctor's Wife

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician`s wife noticed another guest, a big, oversexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband. But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.

At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn`t INSTALL them!"

A Good Time

A man walks into a bar and he asks the bartender, "Do you know someone that can show me a good time." The bartender nods and points the man to a door. The man says thanks and walks through the door and sees a woman. He asks, "Can you show me a good time?"
"Yes," she answers, "I'll give you a hand job for $300."
"$300? Isn't that a lot for a hand job?"
"You see those fancy cars in the parking lot?" He nods. "Those are all mine from the hand jobs I have given."
The man hands her $300 and she gives him the best hand job he's ever had. "Wow, you are good. Can we get together tomorrow?"
"Sure." she answers. The next day they meet in the same room and she says, "I'll suck your dick for $700."
"$700. Isn't that a lot for a blow job?"
"You see all those boats in the harbor?" He nods again. "They're all mine from all of the blow jobs I have given." He gives in again and hands her $700. She gives him the best blow job he's ever gotten. "Wow! That was fantastic. Let's get together tomorrow."
"Okay," she answers. The next day he says,"You give good hand jobs and blow jobs. But I want some pussy already. How much does it cost?"
She answers,"Well, you see all of those mansions over there?" and she points out the window. "Those would all be mine if I had a pussy!"

License Plate

It took the Department of Motor Vehicles 6 months to figure out and revoke this personalized license plate: 3M TA3
Can you tell why? See answer below . . . .











In someone's rear view mirror, it spells out "EAT ME"

Ouch!

A guy meets a girl at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night. Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They got back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
They clear off the bed and go at it.
Later, after the sex, he turns to her and asks..."well, how was I?"
She says, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

The Texan

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if She could help him answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit."
Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir ... what size?"
"Size 53 ... tall, ma'am."
"Wow ... that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am ... they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How's about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 ... double D."
"Wow ... that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am ... they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well ... I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir ... what size?"
"Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied.
"Wow ... that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am ... they really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she crooned.
"Yes, ma'am, I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir, what size?"
"Nine and five-eighths."
"Wow ... that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am ... they really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew... is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
Well, the sweet woman tallied up his bill and as the Texan was counting out his money ... she asked, "Sir could I ask you a... well, a question?"
"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is ... and the answer is ....... 4 inches."
She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "Across, ma'am?"

This Won't Hurt

A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?"
"Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies.
"Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."
Two weeks later its raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please you have to help me!!"
"Well, let's have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table.
"Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am this won't hurt a bit."
The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that."
She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?!"
To which the doctor replied, "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."

One Fine Day at the University.

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot,so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow."

Murphy

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
Murphy said, " I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

The Annual Health Check-up

It was the time for the annual health check-up by the Health Dept. at the junior school. The teacher of the 7th standard was perplexed at how to go about it. Then she thought of an idea.
She: "Boys, the health inspector will be coming tomorrow and you will all perform a small drill. When I say 1, all pants down. When I say 2, all foreskins up. After the inspector has seen how clean you are, I'll say 3 and the foreskins will go down. 4 and the pants will go up. Is that all clear?"
The boys said yes!
The next day the inspector came to the class. The teacher greeted him and said, "OK Boys, we'll start the drill."
1 - and all pants went down.
2 - all the foreskins went up.
after a few minutes the inspector said, ok and the teacher said 3 and then 4.
Just when the inspector turned to leave, he heard a small voice from the corner of the class, 2-3 2-3 2-3...

Newlyweds

The newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon suite, and it turns out that they are both virgins. Brought up the old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sex. So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on, an idea occurs to the husband.
"OK, honey," he says, "this is what we'll do. I'll go into the closet and you go into the bathroom. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then on the count of three we'll both rush out at each other and then it will just happen in the middle of the bedroom."
The wife is a bit unsure about this, but since she doesn't have any better ideas she agrees. So, the husband goes into the closet and the wife goes into the bathroom and they both get undressed.
The anticipation is driving the husband mad and as he takes off his clothes he begins to get an enormous erection. The wife turns off the lights and on the count of three they both rush out into the bedroom towards each other. However since the room is dark the husband gets disoriented and runs by his wife...right into the dresser. He hits his willy against the dresser so hard that he passes out from the pain.
The next thing he remembers is coming to in a hospital bed, with a doctor looking down at him. His throbbing dick is still so painful that he moans to the doctor,
"Doc, doc, how bad is it?"
To which the doctor replied, "That's nothing son. Wait till you see your wife! We still haven't gotten her off the doorknob yet."

The Wizard of Oz

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly, and says, "I had terrible time with Iran, so I' ve come for some courage."
"No problem" says the Wizard, "Who's next ?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward and says, "W-well, w-w-well, I need a new brain.
"Done" says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"
Up steps George Bush with a sad look on his face. "I'm told by the American
people that I need a heart."
"I've heard that it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
Then there is a long silence.......Bill Clinton is just standing there looking around, but hasn't said a word. This irritates the Wizard, and he speaks with a loud voice, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"
"Is Dorothy around?"

Intense Flirting

A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?

THE KENTUCKY DERBY

AT THE POST IN TODAY'S RACE..............

(1) PASSIONATE LADY
(2) BARE BELLY
(3) SILK PANTIES
(4) CONSCIENCE
(5) JOCKEY SHORTS
(6) CLEAN SHEETS
(7) THIGHS
(8) BIG DICK
(9) HEAVY BOSOM
(10) MERRY CHERRY


AND THEY'RE OFF.................
CONSCIENCE IS LEFT BEHIND AT THE POST, JOCKEY SHORTS AND SILK PANTIES ARE OFF IN A HURRY. HEAVY BOSOM IS BEING PRESSURED. PASSIONATE LADY IS CAUGHT BETWEEN THIGHS. BIG DICK IS IN A VERY DANGEROUS SPOT.

AT THE HALFWAY MARK................
IT'S BARE BELLY ON TOP, THIGHS OPEN AND BIG DICK IS PRESSED IN. HEAVY BOSOM IS BEING PUSHED HARD AGAINST CLEAN SHEETS. PASSIONATE LADY AND THIGHS WORK HARD ON BARE BELLY. BARE BELLY IS UNDER TERRIFIC PRESSURE FROM BIG DICK.

AT THE STRETCH.;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
MERRY CHERRY CRACKS UNDER THE STRAIN. BIG DICK IS MAKING A FINAL DIVE. BARE BELLY IS IN AND PASSIONATE LADY IS COMING.

AT THE FINISH !.............
IT'S BIG DICK GIVING EVERYTHING HE'S GOT. PASSIONATE LADY TAKES EVERYTHING BIG DICK HAS TO OFFER. IT LOOKS LIKE A DEAD HEAT BUT.....
BIG DICK COMES THROUGH WITH ONE FINAL THRUST....AND WINS BY A HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BARE BELLY SHOWS.

THIGHS WEAKENS.

HEAVY BOSOM PULLS UP.

AND CLEAN SHEETS NEVER HAD A CHANCE.

Incentive

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting.
He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive", then spit.
A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".
"Well", says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?"
"He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!!  He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvey.
"We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!!
"We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it!  I just knew we were gonna die!  So I turn to him and said... "Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!"
He paused.  Then spit.  "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN **DRIVE**!!"

Sexual Morality

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

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